Eclipse: The Abridged Version
The third part of the seemingly never-ending series (note how it is NOT a saga) begins in Bella's still-Barbie-themed bedroom. Bella is sitting on her pink duvet reading a letter from Jacob, who for some reason has totally forgotten that everyone communicates via text and email these days, making his letter completely redundant.
LETTER!JACOB: I'm basically really pissed off with you. Don't date Edward.
BELLA: My heart weeps in pain at your words, Jacob. I might consider loving you, just as a plot device, even though everyone who read the first book totally knows what's going to happen.
EDWARD: There have been some completely random murders in Seattle, which for some reason we care about!
BELLA: It probably has absolutely nothing to do with the plot whatsoever! Anyway, less talking more smooching.
This has been censored by the author because every time anyone thinks about it a puppy dies.
CHARLIE: Hey Bella and Edward, why don't you apply for college?
BELLA: But college is so boring! All you do is learn and get a good education and then a good job and can support yourself for the rest of your life! What would a woman want with that?
EDWARD: It would make me happy!
BELLA: But all I want to do is get married to you and have your babies and sit at home cooking and cleaning forever! That is a woman's place; it says so in the bible!
AUTHOR: I thought this wasn't a religious book...
EDWARD: Shouldn't you be in bed with Billy right now, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Oh yeah, I forgot about him, what with my little girl growing up...
BELLA: No seriously, your good parenting is making the plot look fuzzy. Go fuck my non-best-friend's equally gay dad.
CHARLIE: He is pretty hot...
EDWARD: So is his wheelchair...
AUTHOR: Ew...again.
BELLA: How about we stand here and wrongly quote Wuthering Heights at each other?
EDWARD: Yes, since no one will complain if it is reprinted with a dark cover and relisted as 'dark romance for teenagers'.
AUTHOR: Except everybody in the whole world who doesn't like Twilight...
BELLA: "Terror made me cruel; and finding it useless to attempt shaking the creature off, I pulled its wrist on to the broken pane, and rubbed it to and fro till the blood ran down and soaked the bedclothes..."
EDWARD: "It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire."
BELLA: Okay, education over, let's get BABY MAKING.
EDWARD: Even though I am a guy who has apparently been a virgin for over a hundred years, I have no desire to satisfy the raving heterosexual sex drive I feel burning deep within my-
BELLA: Heart! You definitely mean 'heart', and not-
AUTHOR: We get the point. Edward's gay, we worked this out in book one.
SMEYER: No he isn't!
AUTHOR: His Facebook says he is.
SMEYER: But it says in the Bible that-
AUTHOR: The Bible was written for a different audience in a different time, social morals and standards have moved on a bit since then. Executing people for really petty reasons isn't socially acceptable anymore, either.
About a week later.
EDWARD: I just bought us places in every single Ivy League university in the entire country!
BELLA: But I'm a weak woman who can't take the corruption of education!
EDWARD: Sounds reasonable, let's not go!
BELLA: I wanna be your vampire bride!
DRACULA: NO. FUCKING. WAY.
EDWARD: Nope.
BELLA: Please?
EDWARD: Still no.
BELLA: I need to see Jacob. I think he hates me.
EDWARD: But I'm so hungry! – I mean, lonely!
BELLA: Please?
EDWARD: Never! It's far too dangerous!
Author: Yeah, just about as dangerous as being around a freaking vampire all the time.
ALICE: Hello everyone, I just randomly appeared again! Sometimes it feels like I'm just a character in a book written by someone else, provided that someone else is a fat middle-aged housewife with absolutely no writing talent and a thing for teenage boys...
EDWARD: Why is this necessary?
ALICE: Because I just had a vision I thought you should know about, and since you probably plan on not going to school again I just thought I'd pop around and-
EDWARD: BELLA WE'RE GOING TO FLORIDA
BELLA: Yay!
EDWARD: Hey Charlie, can I take Bella to Florida to see Renee?
CHARLIE: Oh, I don't know about that, you might take my precious daughter's virginity and then I'd have nothing to sacrifice come Samhain!
BELLA: Please?
CHARLIE: Okay!
In Florida at Renee's house. Edward spends most of his time indoors because Florida is apparently much sunnier than Washington, which apparently has cloud cover over 99% of the time. It's a wonder how they got him from the airport to her house, to be honest...Anyway, this part of the story is pretty much irrelevant because seeing her mother who she hasn't had much contact with for the last year is obviously unimportant in comparison to twu wuv.
RENEE: You appear to be medically attached to Edward! That isn't healthy!
BELLA: DO NOT BLASPHEME!
SMEYER: AND DON'T REMIND THE STUPID AMERICAN TWEENS AND THEIR MOTHERS THAT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS THE FIRST STAGE OF DOMESTIC ABUSE!
They go back to Forks because Renee actually has common sense and the plot looks even thinner when she's around.
BELLA: I need to see Jacob! I think I'll just sneak out and drive down to the reservation...
EDWARD: Oh, hi my love! This isn't a large pair of wire cutters I have behind my back!
BELLA: You killed my car just to stop me seeing another man?
AUTHOR: Isn't that usually what murderers do to stop their victims escaping?
BELLA: HOW ROMANTIC!
AUTHOR: [facepalm]
Back inside, the phone rings.
BELLA: Hello?
JACOB: COMEST THOU HITHER TO SCHOOL ON THE MORROW, WENCH?
BELLA: Uh, ya?
JACOB: [dial tone]
EDWARD: Well that was normal.
BELLA: OME HE WAS CHECKING IF I WAS HUMAN
AUTHOR: Well duh.
The next day at school. I don't even know why they bother anymore...
BELLA: What are we doing here, future husband? Why am I not cooking and cleaning and having multiple babies and why are you not out working? What bizarre universe am I in where women get a good education?
JACOB: OMG BELLA YOU ARE HUMAN
SMEYER: Commandment number 3: Thou shalt not take the name of your LORD GOD in vain!
AUTHOR: Are you sure this isn't even slightly religious?
SMEYER: I like brainwashing stupid tweens and their mothers into doing what I say. It's part of my housewifey charm.
JACOB: Um, yeah, well, tell your hench vampire guy not to come onto our property or we'll tell on you!
EDWARD: S'not fair!
BELLA: WHATWHATWHAT?
JACOB: You didn't tell her?
EDWARD: You have three guesses.
BELLA: 1) A game of Cluedo got really out of hand and you decided to murder someone for real and hide their body and figure out who did it?
EDWARD: No.
BELLA: 2) Emmett wanted some reserve ass?
EDWARD: No. His wife's ass is hot enough. It's not like she needs it or anything.
BELLA: 3) Victoria?
EDWARD: Ding Ding!
JACOB: Can we be friends again?
BELLA: I would like to be, but since Edward completely controls every aspect of my life, I don't think so!
EDWARD: That's my useless bitch!
BELLA: Woof woof!
So basically nothing happens for about 5000 pages. Then we find out that Victoria, who is apparently pissed off because they killed her hubby James two books ago, has made a relatively small army of vampires in Seattle and is going to try to take over the world. Or not. Just Forks. Because it's soooo desirable, isn't it?
ROSALIE: Hi! I don't really have very much characterisation, but the great and wondrous Smeyer has finally decided to give me a back story!
BELLA: Pray tell, potential sister-in-law and fellow wife-slave!
ROSALIE: I was the daughter of a rich banker during the depression-
AUTHOR: Wait, a RICH BANKER during the GREAT DEPRESSION? Seriously!
ROSALIE: -and I was engaged to this dude who was the son of this other rich banker during the depression-
AUTHOR: TWO rich bankers in the same area? I think that's statistically impossible!
ROSALIE: -anyway, he got drunk and he and his friends raped me and beat me up and then Carlisle saw me and thought, 'hey, Edward really needs some ass' so he turned me into a vampire against my will!
AUTHOR: So you were unwillingly turned into a vampire by a man just because he thought his son needed a partner? What part of antifeminism are you not understanding?
ROSALIE: Then I got to wreak bloodthirsty revenge on the men who practically killed me-
AUTHOR: But that was technically Carlisle!
ROSALIE: -but I totally hate being a vampire because it means I can never have babies, which is truly the entire purpose of my life as a woman!
BELLA: Wow, I didn't understand anything you just said! I think I'll just completely disregard it later on, I mean, it can't possibly ever come in handy to have a volunteer nanny hanging around the place!
Later that day...
EDWARD: Will you become my ass slave – I mean, wife, Bella?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: Pwease?
BELLA: Okay!
Five minutes later...
ALICE: The vampire army is going to attack shortly! Let's leave a really vague and probably useless scent trail for the vampires to follow so we can attack them but not describe it because this book totally does not condone violence!
BELLA: I will do whatever I can to help everyone else (but mostly me).
Bella proceeds to stumble unnecessarily clumsily through the woods, ripping out chunks of hair and pulling off bits of skin to deposit all over the really obvious trail. Who is stupid enough to fall for that? Bella and Edward set up a cosy camp on some rock on a convenient mountain. It's cold. Later that night:
BELLA: IT'S SO FUCKING FREEZING I CAN'T FEEL MY PENIS
EDWARD: You have a penis?
BELLA: Did I just say that?
EDWARD: Uh, let's just forget all about that...
JACOB: Hey Bella, I'd really like to get into bed with you and warm your body...and your penis...
BELLA: Did you really just say that...
AUTHOR: Isn't this supposed to be a children's book?
BELLA: Fine, but no groping. I have bear mace!
JACOB: I'm a wolf, not a bear!
EDWARD: Same difference!
Bella pretends to be asleep.
EDWARD: I've seen her naked!
JACOB: So cool! If she was my steak – I mean, girlfriend, we would have had sex already!
AUTHOR: You want to have sex with a steak?
EDWARD: Well at least I'm not a furry!
JACOB: Well at least I'm not biologically dead!
EDWARD: If she wanted you I'd let you have her.
JACOB: If she wanted you I'd kidnap her and rape her until she loved me.
AUTHOR: You do realise how wrong that just sounded, boys...
The next morning...
BELLA: Good morning, my love Edward who does not abuse me and has not created an emotional bond so strong between us it would kill me if he ever left!
EDWARD: Good morning, my love Bella who has agreed to be my ass slave for all eternity but doesn't know half of my sick perversions!
AUTHOR: Then you should have stayed in Volterra, moron...
WOLF!JACOB: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1!one!11!
BELLA: Oh no! We must have upset my non-love interest!
JACOB: Kiss me, Bella!
BELLA: Okay!
This has been censored because I hate furry porn.
EDWARD: I am not in the slightest bit jealous!
BELLA: I want your babies! That's all I think about! It probably has nothing to do with the plot of the entire next book!
Meanwhile, there is some stupid battle going on in the random clearing. There is not a lot of killing of the protagonists, since this is a kid's book, and since the baddies are all technically dead already it doesn't count as murder. Somehow Victoria managed to find out where Bella was. She storms up the mountain to find them.
BELLA: Oh my Edward, it's Victoria! And she's had complete facial reconstructive surgery!
VICTORIA: Actually I've just been recast.
EDWARD: TRULY A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH.
VICTORIA: Let's have a dance-off! – I mean, battle to the death!
They proceed to strut their funky stuff all over the woodland dance floor. Victoria is an expert tap dancer, drilling holes into the ground with her feet as she shuffles and stomps about in a sparkly bowler hat and waistcoat. Edward is a prima ballerina and has somehow magicked a pair of formerly non-existent male Pointe shoes from somewhere...Even though men don't dance en Pointe. His pirouettes are fantastic. Naturally, he does this without a shirt much to the delight of his fangirls and the horror of all the unfortunate woodland critters within a ten-mile radius.
BELLA: Oh no, Edward isn't winning fast enough! I must cut myself for no apparent reason!
She slices open her wrist (remember children, it's along the pavement, not across the road!). Victoria immediately stops and tries to devour her in a most unseemly way that has been censored because of the author's newly fragile state from imagining Edward Cullen dancing Ballet and/or Bella's penis.
EDWARD: Oh no! My love!
He rips off Victoria's head.
EDWARD: Yay!
BELLA: Yay!
They kiss. More censorship.
ALICE: I have once again appeared inconveniently and randomly! By the way, the Volturi are on their way.
BELLA: Oh no!
EDWARD: Oh no!
Jane, Felix and a bunch of other leather- and vinyl-clad figures appear. Jane is in her customary ero-loli costume and carrying a massive whip. Felix is a cat.
FELIX: Meow!
JANE: Mua ha ha ha!
CARLISLE : Hello, sadistic and evil Italians! How are the boys?
JANE: Aro is currently handcuffed to a donkey, Caius is taking his turn on the wooden pony and Marcus is being flogged as we speak.
CARLISLE: Oh goodie, that reminds me of the time I spent with them...But I'll save that for never because it's so humiliating. The things those boys can do with a dead cactus and a hand whisk I'll never forget...
JANE: Either way, we're pissed off. Turn Bella into a vampire and don't do anything stupid.
FELIX: Meow!
JANE: Oh, and if you ever need a good, hard-
SMEYER: NOT IN MY BOOKS!
And thus ends part 3 of TTAV.