Olivia Pope reached out her hand from under the comforter to turn off the alarm that went off at 5.45 every weekday. A minute later, she was sitting up, drawing her knees to her chest and resting her head on them. She wasn't in a hurry, this was her time to gather her thoughts, meditate or prepare for the day before the second alarm goes off. She thought of the zilch, zero, nada number of thoughts she had gathered in the past few weeks.

"Might be better off sleeping"

Turning to the bedside table she picked up her journal and checked the last entry.

"No shit, it's been 3 months!"

She had thought it had only been a couple of weeks but 3 months! The only thing her mind has been on when she wakes up in the morning is her pure loneliness. Sometimes waves of loneliness and aloneness cascades over her, it literally knocks her back into the bed. And its wasn't about sex, of course that important but the familiarity of another person casually touching her, getting her favourite flavour of ice cream from the store as a surprise or welcoming her home from the most boring job ever. The worst part was she didn't know how to solve and that made her feel so helpless and she hated that.

She picked up a pen, determined to write something.

"I'm an English teacher for heaven's sake" she mutters after hovering over the page and writing nothing. She stared at the pen with contempt "I will not be defeated by your $3 self, hmmph!" and started writing.

July 15 2016 6.04am

"Cowards die many times before their death, the valour never taste of death but once.

Olivia stop dying today

Live for God's sake!"

A single tear rolled down her cheek onto the page and she swiped it away with her arm smudging some of the words

She closed the book and returned it to the table then shut her tear filled eyes as she sat thinking. Such a long way away from who she wanted to be, a Pulitzer winning investigative journalist on the Washington Post and now she is just shaping young minds in high school. Calling it shaping is even a stretch, they didn't want to be shaped so every lesson was a monumental task in gaining and keeping their interest. Soon she got out bed to follow her well-worn routine to get ready for work.

At 7.15, Olivia exits her car and heads for towards the entrance. Abby, the biology teacher's car was pulling in causing Olivia to quicken her steps. Abby was way too much for her liking, too loud, too crass, too everything she didn't like. She was always trying to get Olivia involved in all the social events she organises for all the teachers. She'd never been to one and she was glad she hadn't, there were many stories of drunkenness and one-night stands among colleagues whispered after each one. A car door slam shut and she could hear footsteps running towards her. It would be too obvious to break into a run, but that what she wanted to do. Olivia did not look back even when she heard her name being called.

"Olivia! OLIVIAAAA wait up"

She had no choice but to stop now and wait for Abby to catch up.

"Were you ignoring me? I can't be ignored".

"See what I mean, Abby is shameless!" Anyway before I could answer she leapt into her speech. There was something about getting my ear checked and then I tuned out. I couldn't get a word in even if I tried. Seriously, she talks so fast, all I know is whatever she wants I'm not getting involved. Then everything went silent, Abby was now looking at me expectantly. "I don't know what she's said. What was the question? What was the best non-committal answer I can give?"

"Errrm"

"Will you do it? 4 o clock today. Please Olivia?" she was now pleading.

My mind was racing. "4 o clock was too early for an event. Maybe preparation for her class project. It's got to be school related, right".

"Ok. Yes"

Abby screamed. I mean a real shrill,' pierce your ears' scream.

"I can't believe it. Oh my god. You said yes. I thought I'll have to make a pitch all day. That's fabulous. We'll get to know each other so much better. We only see each other at staff meetings. Honestly where do you hide yourself at lunch?"

I didn't bother trying to answer because I know she isn't waiting for one. True to form, Abby continues without a pause

"I'll give you more details in the break. If I don't see you before the end of the day, pick me up from my class at 4". She starts walking and looks back and screams.

"Vegas baby! Woo Hoo!" she shouts.

"Vegas? Abby, wait. Vegas?"

She looks back and waves.

"Vegas! With Abby? I can't go to Vegas. I don't want to go to Vegas with Abby". I'm panicking now. I start controlling my breaths. I realise I can catch Abby in the first break and explain I can't join this Vegas thing. Problem solved.

First break came and I match off quickly to the staff room. Quinn Perkins, the principal's secretary, was the only person there and she smiled broadly at Olivia which was disconcerting. They don't really talk apart from the normal hello, hi.

"Olivia I'm so glad you are coming to Vegas. I didn't think you'll be interested I'm really looking forward to us getting down." Then she came over to me and hugged me. A little bit awkward, I tapped her on the back a couple of times. She releases me and follows me as I go to the coffee machine.

"Have you ever been?"

"Err…no. You?"

"Yes! It always a blast. The clubs, pool parties and the men. You are into men right? Not that there's anything wrong if you bat the other way" she hastily adds.

"Men. I'm into men". Not that I've had any in the past 2 years, I mused.

I made a coffee and sat in a chair two seats away from where Quinn was sitting when I came in. "Abby got such a great deal at The Venetian. Check out the pool" she brought out her phone and showed me the webpage. I agreed it looked great and I love swimming. I usually have lunch with the librarian in her office so I haven't been in the staff room for a while. I notice a poster for a Vegas trip and people have written their names on it to show interest. Seems like a lot of staff were going.

Harrison, the maths teacher walked in.

"Hey Olivia, I understand you are coming to Vegas." He starts to moonwalk. "I can't wait to see you shake your thing".

I smile back at him and nod. Luckily his phone rings and he starts chatting.

Before long, 4 more people have been happy to hear I was coming. I swear there must an underground staff radio that I haven't been given access to. When Abby arrives I knew I must catch her before she started one of her long and loud conversations with someone. I leapt up and caught her by the door. I grabbed her hand and led her out of the room into the corridor nearly bumping into Jake the history teacher as he was coming in. I was in a hurry, I didn't hear his apologies or respond to it.

"Abby, about Vegas, I can't…" In my mind's eyes I began to see what I wrote in my journal this morning. Was I being a coward? Surely I don't need to go to Vegas to be brave. But isn't it brave to step out one's comfort zone. All these thoughts are whirling around my head. What to do?

"You can't….". Abby prompts me,

In that instant it's all clear to me.

"I can't thank you enough for inviting me. How much do I owe you?" I ask, my mind's made up now. It's an opportunity. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

"Don't worry about, Martha dropped out at the last minute and its non-refundable". I made up mind to give something to Martha and thanked Abby again.

"So I'll follow you home at 4 to pack, leave your car and you'll follow me to mine. Then we'll get a cab to the airport" she nods at me, urging my agreement too.

"That's great. I'll see you later". I turn to return to my class and realised my bag is still in the staff room. I pick it up but find Jake blocking my path to the door.

"I hear you are coming to Vegas".

"They must hook me up to this grapevine. And is the whole freaking school going" I just nod to Jake, he doesn't exactly look happy about it. I have had little to no contact with him. To be honest, he seems to harden his face at me all the time. Anyway, he's always flirting with a member of staff and there has been rumour of a fight between 2 teachers over him. Obviously if I had the connection to the grapevine, I'll know the full details. I'll grant that he is fine.

"Getting side-tracked now, Olivia". I look up and he is staring at me with the greenest eyes on God's earth. If only he didn't have so much contempt in them. Nothing positive was in those eyes towards me.

He leans in to whisper in her ear "I hope you are a less uptight there, its Vegas after all".

I didn't let it show how much that stung, after all I haven't so much has had a conversation with him. What's he pissed at me for? My smile was tight but I answered, "Depends on the company, doesn't it?". I didn't wait to hear his response.

Abby and Olivia got to her house around 4.20 and Abby basically made herself at home immediately. She started the coffee machine, brought out the sugar bowl and didn't return it back into the cupboard. She left the spoon she used on the counter. She pulled out almost all my clothes out of the wardrobe to find outfits for 2 days. She was worse than a damn toddler, totally messy. Nothing was good enough for Abby and she wasn't good at listening. If it wasn't short or clingy it was no good. She wished we were the same size for the umpteenth time, she's tall to my petite figure. Finally, I left her in the room to resolve it while I tidied up the house.

"Liv!" she hollered.

I rolled my eyes and went back in the bedroom. It was chaos in there, I can't even begin to fix this before we leave. She had chosen 2 dresses for the evening and a bandeau to go with skinny blue jeans. My special lingerie was packed too, for when "I get lucky", her words not mine. She also got me a dress to wear to change into now and no use arguing with Abby, she just doesn't listen. A floral dress, short in front and a tail behind. She totally loved my shoes collection though.

"Your swimsuit was just abominable. Sorry Liv no other word will do. Although disgusting, ghastly and horrible come close". She threatened to take me shopping when we return. I'll confess that I didn't hate the idea that much.

"Don't be so rude. There's nothing wrong with them".

"There are shops in the hotel, we'll get something tomorrow before we get to the pool. Toiletries?".

"Done"

"Then we are good to go. I always thought we'll get on Liv. I never see you at lunch time? You have a secret lunch spot? No, I would have heard about it".

And that's how we walked out. Her talking, me following and no response required.

Her house was very homely but so messed up, clothes everywhere but at least she was very efficient in getting changed. We were in a cab to the airport within 20 minutes. The rest of the group were already waiting. I got talking to Harrison and he was just funny. We both came from Chicago so it was nice talking about some old haunts while waiting for the flight number to be called. There were 9 of us going so I didn't think I'll be stuck with Jake. He was looked so striking with his blue chinos and white shirt. Either way. he was glued to the music teacher's side anyway. The way she was fluttering her eyelashes I'm surprised they didn't all fall off.

"Imma bounce if the club Abby chooses is playing some rock shit" Harrison vows and I laugh out at that. I look up to see Jake's eyes boring into me. I check my dress, maybe I'm inadvertently flashing, no I wasn't. It seems this guy just hates me and now I don't care. I glare at him, then I stick out my tongue at him and look away. Harrison is asking about my type of music.

"I like RnB, hip hop and pop but I cannot resist dancehall.

Harrison starts cackling loudly, everyone looks our way. "I knew it. I knew it girl" pointing at me. He leans in and lowers his voice "You freaky! All the quiet ones are freaks. Gimme five". I can't help but laugh with him and slap my palm into his. The flight number is being called and we get up to board.

As I approach my row, there's no mistaking Jake in aisle seat with mine in the middle. I put up my hand luggage up in compartment and then reluctantly turn to him. I totally dread sitting with his judgey face for the journey. Not sure sticking my tongue out was a good idea now.

"Excuse me, can I get in". He makes to get up but music teacher, I've forgotten her name, comes over all fake smiles.

"Hi, my seat is next to Harrison I thought you might want to swap as you get on so well". Praise the Lord. Yes Lord, I believe! mentally doing a jig.

I quickly leave to find Harrison, happy to spend time with someone who at least likes me. Harrison is a massive gossip, by the time we landed I knew who had slept with who in school and who was crushing on who. I felt like I've been a stranger in my own school. A couple of times Jake looks back at us and frowns. I feel like I'm disappointing him and I shouldn't really care but for some reason I do.

After checking in, we agreed to meet in the lobby at 10pm to hit one of the clubs. I was lucky, Martha had insisted on a room on her own so I wasn't sharing like some others. I had a quick shower, repacked my ponytail and wore the jeans and strapless top with 4-inch-high heels.

I heard the knock at the door and Abby walked past me into my room once I opened it.

"Yes! I've got taste. This is Abby Whelan and I approved of these clothes". We both fall on the bed laughing. Seeing that it was really her choice, she was bound to approve.

"On to the makeup, I brought mine just in case. Sit on the chair, just need to do your eyes". A few minutes later, my eyes are now smoky black with a tinge of silver. I couldn't help myself, I hugged Abby. I was actually having fun and it beats being at home.

"I knew we were going to get on. One of this days you'll tell me who made you go Mother Theresa". Her face looks sombre as she continues, "you know I want you to release your inner bitch right. Believe me when I say a good dick will cure a lot of ails".

"Abby!" My cheeks feel hot.

"It's true. A dick is like a daily vitamin or the sixth veg, well meat really, in your 6 a day. You think better, focus is sharper and your day is sweeter. But we don't crap where we eat"

I frown, not sure what she means

"Harrison. Not worth it".

"Oh no no no". I said. "Harrison? He's like a brother to me, cousin. No, third cousin removed" and we both laugh. "No going off with anyone without telling me first and same with me. Ok?"

"I'm not going with anyone but ok" I promised. When we appeared in the lobby, everyone was waiting and I was silently pleased with the reaction, they were definitely impressed. Even Jake for a fleeting moment appears to do a double take but who knows what he was thinking. It occurred to me all this could also mean I've been dressing rather drably they are shocked to see I scrub up well. I shake off the thought and get into the spirit of things. Abby had us at a rooftop nightclub. Everyone hit the bar first and got a few shots in before moving to the dance floor. I wished I joined them as it ended up being just Jake and I left. We didn't talk although he kept staring at me which must be what's causing butterflies in my belly. I can't look at him without feeling very warm and fuzzy. I lose my train of thoughts. It happened in a staff meeting when the principal was asking about planned trips. Once he started talking, I got caught in his deep voice, I had to be shaken to see it was my turn. It made me seem like I wasn't interested in the meeting. I know I have been actively avoiding him at the school. I want to be seen as a teacher not a schoolgirl and that's difficult when he is around. I glance at him and see he is staring at me. Seriously didn't they teach this guy its rude to stare. In the end, I felt compelled to say something.

"I'm guessing you can't dance". I berated myself instantly, that was so rude.

He smirked at me. "Because I'm white? We should test that theory out. You are probably too stiff anyway. You act like a nun, thinking you're better than everybody".

"You've been waiting a while to say that" That hurt but I refuse to cry in front of this neanderthal. I stare stoically everywhere but his direction. I can see Abby kissing someone's face off on the dance floor. When Harrison appeared out of the dance floor and came to pull me up I was ecstatic.

"Your tune." Heads high from Mr Vegas is playing but I would have got up for Meatloaf, anything to get away from the jerk.

Harrison leads me to the edge of the dance floor and holds my waist with my back facing him and me facing Jake. I focus above his head and start swaying. Once I get into the groove I start grinding into Harrison and he's going low with me. I match up with his moves, although I feel rusty the music carries me. The song changes and its Beenie Man, the whole floor erupts screaming. I'm pleased to see Jake getting up and out of my line of view, but I soon changed my mind as he is heading towards us.

He taps Harrison on the shoulder and he lets him cut in. Jake gets behind me and holds on to my waist. My movement slows to shuffling of feet but Jake starts dancing. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me in closer to him and then Sean Paul, Gimme the light starts. I resume my dancing moving in tandem with Jake. I feel every sinew and ripple of his chest. His hand across my waist sets off a heat spreading along my body. I close my eyes and give in to this mess that I like. I haven't felt this for a long time. Everything seems to fade away and I'm only away of us and the music while I grind my butt right into Jake. I can feel his hardness pressing into me and I don't feel embarrassed. It feels right.

The music changes and the tempo shifts. Slow jams! Is it wrong to love this moment so much? Jake turns me to face him and pulls in back into him. I can just about get my head into the crook of his neck thanks to my heels. My chest is pressed tightly into his. Robin Thicke lost without you is playing and Jake is singing into my ear.

I'm lost without you

Can't help myself

How does it feel

To know that I love you, baby?

His words are seducing me. I feel his desire and I reciprocate these sentiments. That is when I knew I was sleeping with this guy tonight. I have never been affected by a man this much in my life and if he really hates me, he's not showing it anymore. Besides whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. It doesn't count. I was on fire on the dance floor and I think he felt the same. I could hear his breathing catch whenever I move my hands through his hair. The songs were a sign to me, I'll take any confirmation I can get. So when the next song was Babyface Every time I close my eyes, a song I learnt in my mum's kitchen over cooking. It was yet another sign. This time I sang it to him.

And every time I close my eyes
I thank the lord that I've got you, yeah
And you've got me too (You've got me too)
And every time I think of it, I pinch myself cause
I don't believe it's true yeah
That someone like you loves me too yeah

I felt him twitching against my stomach. I held on to his neck and kept singing into his ears. I felt his mouth on my neck and when the song ceased, all I felt was his mouth and hands. Not sure when my hands got to his ass but I was pulling him closer to me. By the time Maxwell came on with Lifetime I was sold.

I can let my life pass me by
or I can get down and try
work it all out this lifetime
work it on out this time
I can let it all pass me by
or I can get down and try
work it all out this lifetime lifetime.

I'm not going to be a coward and I am going to try today. I looked up to Jake and found him staring straight at me, with eyes the colour of deep forest pool, deceptively calm with whirlpools of intensity lurking beneath was looking into mine and what I saw made me shiver. It swiftly became too much. What was I thinking? I've been alone for so long. I'm not the girl grinding on a guy I work with in a club. I needed space. I pulled away from his arms.

"Excuse me" and I staggered towards the bathroom. The queue was too long, I look around but the rooftop club did not afford much privacy apart for some strategically placed plants. I hurried there but couples had already discovered the place as a making out spot. I headed for the exit, past the bouncers into the small building housing the elevator. Privacy at last. I leaned against the wall and caught my breath. I want Jake so much but common sense is not cowardice, is it?