I pass the blade from hand to hand
Sun glints off the sharp tip
Handle familiar to my fingers
With every pass my fingers grip the hilt tighter
Knuckles turning white
The pain inside me grows each day
But my tears have gone dry
No more crying
My grief overwhelms me
Unbeatable sorrow washes over me
I stare at the scars on my arms
All from past sadness and sorrow
Every day I live
I live it with trepidation
What new pains await me?
.
My mind wanders back to that terrible night
A shot ringing through the silence
The bullet piercing my father's flesh
Tears I shed as I kneeled beside his body
Clutching his hand and begging
Begging him not to leave me
The life draining out of his eyes
Blood pooling around him
Watching my mother, my sister, weep
The gloomy day of the funeral
My teeth clenched in anger, fists balled up in hate
His body lie in a casket, peaceful like he's sleeping
But all I see is his mouth forming his last words
That last image I had of him
Gasping and choking on blood
His blood on my fingers as I try to stop the bleeding
How long will this night continue to haunt me?
.
I clench my teeth and put my fists to the side of my head
Images of him swirl around in my mind
Smiling that fake smile of his
Only now do I know that it was forced
Everything he told us was a lie
He didn't mean it when he told us he loved us
Left us to fend for ourselves
Look where I am now, he did this to me
Ruined my life with one bullet
He is the cause of all this shit in my life
The reason why I turn to a knife for all my troubles
Reason why my mother sheds so many tears
We share her sorrow
Understand why she cries when night falls
With every tear that falls from her pretty face
My hate grows for him
Did he ever give a dam about us?
.
I come back to the present
My chest aches with the pain of sorrow
The grief is smothering me to death
I can hardly breathe
Head pounding so hard I can't think
My attention returns to the knife in my hand
Mind goes numb as I look at its sharpened tip
This pain inside me grows with every second
I can't take it anymore
Taking a breath, I lay the blade against my pale wrist
The knife cold against my flesh
Depression washes over me, numbing my senses
The grief is crippling, sorrow unbearable
I have to make it stop, get it out
Closing my eyes and gritting my teeth
I press the blade into my skin