Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version

by RobinGabriella

The remarkably shorter version of Breaking Dawn by Smeyer. I managed to shorten it down into about 2,000 words which really says a lot about the actual book. Except this one is actually entertaining as well as creepy.

1. Part 1

Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version (Part 1)

The final installation of the Twilight Series opens in Forks at the wedding of Bella and Edward. Bella allowed Alice to run most of the wedding because she was too busy trying (and failing) to seduce Edward.

VICAR: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife – I mean, ass slave?

EDWARD: I do.

VICAR: Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband – I mean, master?

BELLA: I do.

VICAR: I'm not a very good vicar, so just sign your names on the dotted lines then you can make out like the immature teenagers you are. I don't know how can you be sure you want to spend your entire lives together when you're just eighteen? You aren't even fully mentally mature yet!

BELLA: Shut. Up.

VICAR: You may now kiss the bride – I mean, bitch.

Bella and Edward kiss in a most inappropriate manor. One or two members of the audience faint.

RENEE: I've totally come around – I can now truly see that your love is the only truest and purest love that ever loved ever. I completely support your mental degradation of my only child.

CHARLIE: So do I. I'm going to be so lonely without you here, Bella-

BILLY: Charlie, will you marry me?

CHARLIE: Yes, Billy, Yes! You know I've always loved you!

BILLY: This is the happiest day of my-

SMEYER: TODAY IS ALL ABOUT EDWARD AND BELLA. SHUT UP.

Bella and Edward go to their honeymoon island, Isle Esme, which is an island off the west coast of Brazil despite the fact Brazil doesn't have a west coast. They spend the majority of their time frolicking merrily amongst the waves and kissing. The author has forced herself to think about and write the most unholy act of all – the final, successful seduction scene. So here it is.

BELLA: OME Edward! I love you so much! Can we have sex now?

EDWARD: I do not know if I can restrain myself! What if I kill you? Okay!

BELLA: Let's not use a condom or any form of contraception because it is God's decision if I get pregnant or not!

AUTHOR: Again with the religion, Smeyer...

So they ran into their bedroom, which is similar to the bondage cave in Volterra – except this room actually has a bed in it as well as various other implements of sexual torture. Edward throws Bella down on the bed and they passionately make love.

[Unfortunately, the author spontaneously combusted during the writing of this scene due to the sheer hideousness of it. Stay tuned for part 2.]