AUTHOR'S NOTE: Established!KC texting conversation. Total crack. Short and sweet. Enjoy! :)
—Monday, 4:32 P.M.
Caroline: Pick these up from the store on your way home—A digging shovel, three gallons of bleach, a pair of latex rubber gloves, sponges, a dust pan, extra-large garbage bags, Tide laundry detergent, Febreeze.
Klaus: ?
Caroline: Oh, and milk and eggs. Because we're out. *kissy emoji*
(4:33 P.M.)
Klaus: That list is…interesting.
Caroline: Just stop at the store, Klaus.
Klaus: *thumbs down emoji*
Caroline: Do you want to sleep with me tonight? Or would you rather sleep in a coffin with Papa Tunde's blade sticking out of your chest?
Klaus: Harsh. Cold. Cruel.
Caroline: Please?
Klaus: How fickle is woman.
Caroline: *angel halo emoji*
(4:59 P.M)
Klaus: I got a box of Hefty garbage bags just for you.
Caroline: With handles?
Klaus: ;)
Caroline: That's my Big Bad Beloved Hybrid! Always thinking above and beyond.
Klaus: Only for my queen.
Caroline: *heart eyes emoji* x5
(5:10 P.M)
Klaus: Just out of curiosity…
Klaus: What's the purpose of all these items today, love?
Klaus: Are you about to Cinderellafy the mansion again, or are you planning to hide a dead body in a baked cake?
Caroline: Neither.
Klaus: ?
(5:11 P.M.)
Caroline: Happen to forget about the unholy trinity of witch corpses you left quartered in the middle of the living room, did you?
Klaus: Shit.
Caroline: …Heads severed from necks and limbs suspended—dangling from the ceiling.
Caroline: …Widdled stakes. Upturned furniture. Broken vases and glass everywhere.
Klaus: Shit.
Caroline: Puddles…pools…lakes…oceans of blood. Blood, blood, blood and more BLOOD.
Klaus: Shit. Shit. Shit.
(5:12 P.M.)
Caroline: Is that all you have to say for yourself, mister? Shit?
Klaus: *smirking emoji* Would oops I did it again be better?
Caroline: THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Caroline: Those were brand new floors, Klaus!
Caroline: Brand. New. Floors.
(5:13 P.M.)
Klaus: Ill-timed joke, I'm sorry.
Klaus: But…I'll make it up to you. You know I'm good at that, sweetheart.
Caroline: You better!
Klaus: I promise.
Caroline: Cross you heart?
Klaus: However long it takes until I die.
Klaus: *heart emoji* x infinity
(5:18 P.M.)
Caroline: Hey, since you're still out..
Klaus: Yes?
Caroline: Wanna stop and get some bubbly for later, Hybrid Hubby? ;)
Klaus: I don't bloody believe this!
Caroline: What?
Klaus: You mean to tell me that all I had to do was accidentally leave a bunch of corpses to rot away our floor for you to finally admit that champagne was our thing?
Klaus: I should have thought of this years ago!
(5: 19 P.M.)
Caroline: Ha! And this is why I love you—you're delusional.
Klaus: Am not.
Caroline: Are too, are too, are toooooo.
Klaus: Champagne is our thing and I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
Caroline: If by thing you mean what I'll be drinking while I watch you mop up blood and bodies on your hands-and-knees, then sure, babe. Champagne is our "thing." *laughing emoji* *thumbs-up emoji* *clapping emoji*
Klaus: You're such a tease.
Caroline: Correction: a challenge.
Klaus: Ain't that the bloody truth!
Klaus: But that's okay, I think I'll keep you…forever.
Caroline: I'll drink cheers to that!
Klaus: May God bless my immortal Caroline-polluted heart. *champagne emoji*
Comments are lovely.
xx Ashlee Bree