A / N: One day, for not a particular reason, I wondered one thing: what could possibily happen if everyone's most favorite dog and rabbity thing were forced to deal with Sonic the hedgehog and his crazy friends? I guess I found an answer... I do not own any of this characters, I just own senseless violence...
SAM & MAX MEET SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
Stage 1: Speed Limit
SAM: Stop right there punk!
SONIC: What have I done, officer?
SAM: You were running all the way over the speed of sound and the limit is 50 miles per hour! Luckily our Desoto could keep up with you even if we killed an uncounted number of cats in the process...
MAX: and innocent old grannies too!
SAM: I was pretending that we didn't actually do that, Max.
MAX: Oh yeah, I always forget that you have a conscience.
SONIC: I protest, this is not the way to treat a popular videogame franchise action hero!
SAM: Wait a minute, have you recognize this guy Max? It's Sonic the Hedgehog, the fastest thing alive, the hero of a gargantuan number of videogames and the only being that wasn't rolled by your reckless driving, Max, as far as I concern.
MAX: I...Can fix that...By the way, ehi Sam can I use his ridiculously large spikes as mortal weapons to inflict ultimate pain and sorrow to my multiple enemies?
SAM: No Max, actually we must kind of arrest him.
SONIC: Please, don't arrest me, we could reach a compromise.
SAM: Are you trying to corrupt us?
MAX: Go on...
SONIC: How about if I'll give you the opportunity of being in my next game?
SAM: What do you say, Max? Should we become freelance videogame heroes and start a new killing random virtual enemies kind of life?
MAX: Give me a Final Fantasy giant sword and I'll do anything!
A few days later...the videogame was made!
EGGMAN: Wha ha ha ha! Why don't you just surrender, there is no way that you can win this time, Sonic! Witness my greatest invention yet, the Hyper Metal Steve Eggstin, he knows more than 3:16 ways to whip your ass and that's the Bottom Line cause Eggman said so!
SONIC: Ha! That's it Eggman, prepare for another defeat! you're goin' down! Tails, Knuckles, let's do this!
SAM-CKLES: Ehrrr...Your attempts of world domination are worthless and...perhaps, quite annoying, haven't you anything better to do? You could watch some TV or play at Dungeon & Dragons with your nerdy mad scientist friends...You could sell your ridiculously large robot-killer machines to a Wrestling company and make lots of money and...Oh well...You won't get your hands on the Master Emerald again, Eggman (I'm afraid It's broken again thou), we will defeat you, right Max ehr...I mean, right Tails?
MAX "TAILS OF DEATH" SLAYER: Look at me Sam, I mean Knuckles, I'm cuter than ever and I can fly! Death from above!!
SAM-CKLES: You crack me up, little flying foxy like buddy!
Stage 2: Super Sonic is Super Shiny
SUPER SONIC: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhh!!
SAM: Holy flamin' Son Goku in a deceptive battle with the copyright violation! Max, what the hell happened to him?
MAX: Beat me, Sam! I have no idea but he is so shiny. Must...go...into...the light...
SAM: There's no time for mocking a soon to be dead, Max, we must do something before this excessive demonstration of power will destroy the entire city or at least before lunch time..
SUPER SONIC: I am Super Sonic (and definitely not a Dragon Ball mockery), with the power of the 7 Chaos Emeralds I'm now invincible! Bow down to the ruler, bitch!!
SAM: At least his villain vocabulary is perfect. Wait a minute, did he mention the 7 Chaos Emeralds? The miraculous rainbow colored gems embraced by the very essence of Chaos which can unlock unlimited power to their owner and should not be used by the whom with evil purposes? Ehi Max, didn't you find'em inside a giant sized chips parcel?
MAX: Yup! I was disappointed that I didn't find a machine gun, so I gave the emeralds to him in change of this big shiny ring. Now I can have my own ridiculously large shiny nose piercing, yeah!
SAM: But you don't even like piercing, do you?
MAX: Only the painful and less cleaned ones.
SAM: None the less, you made quite a mistake little buddy, never give the 7 Chaos Emeralds to an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog is the second rule in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Videogame Galaxy!
MAX: What's the first?
SAM: Never feed an Italian plumber man with mushrooms after midnight!
MAX: Gee Sam, I thought the first rule was never roll an Italian plumber man with a Desoto, I feel better now!
SAM: You crack me up, little derailed buddy!
SUPER SONIC: And I am going to crack you both! Wha ha ha ha ha!
To be continued?
Stage 3: Max the Rabbity Thing - The game (based from the novel: Sam & Max kicks the copyright's butt)
Last time we saw Sam & Max, they were about to receive the beating of their life by a golden pissed off super hedgehog (which is not a Dragon Ball mockery), than they completely forgot about it and came back to their office for absolutely no reason...Oh well, here we go.
The phone rings.
MAX: I got it!!
Sam: I got it!!
Sam got it...Max got the window.
SAM: hello? Yes, yes, aha, your mother too, no, really? Angry red black emo like hedgehog with machine gun killing people in a lost space colony unless someone tell him about his cursed past!! We're on the case!
MAX: Who was it?
SAM: It was the commissioner Max!
MAX: So, what's the matter?
SAM: It seems that an angry red black emo like hedgehog is murdering people with a machine gun in a lost space colony unless someone tell him about his cursed past! I've already told you that, weren't you paying attention?
MAX: Did you say something Sam?
SAM: Never mind, let's move Max, we're headed to the Space Colony Ark!
SAM: well, here we are in the Space Colony Ark, the perfect place if you want to meet giant Biolizards, 3 eyed aliens dressed like Alistair Crowley and any sort of Chaos creature with a taste for human blood.
MAX: And a sloppy group of scientist nerds who created mass destruction weapons that could destroyed half of the moon...and all for the good of mankind!
SAM: Well, who needs the moon anyway?
MAX: Ehi, don't say that Sam, where else I could place my own look alike missile base? All the best places are already taken, Damned that Eggman! I would like to push him into a cliff just for see if he breaks in peaces, like Humpty Dumpy!
SAM: Your distorted sense of irony will kill us all.
MAX: I'm just doing my part.
SHADOW: I'm the ultimate life form, the most powerful creature ever created and still...I'm so mysterious and confused, why I'm here, for what purpose do I exist? I will kill people until I get my answer, that's the right thing to do!
MAX: and I thought I had issues!
SAM: Ok little buddy, we must act carefully, we'll have to use all of our detective's skills and intelligence in order to stop this senseless massacre...Excuse me, Mr hedgehog sir?
SHADOW: Yes?
SAM: You're under arrest!!
SHADOW: DEATH TO ALL WHO OPPOSE ME!!
MAX: Gee Sam, he's shootin' on us, I thing we could become very close amigos!
SAM: We are too close all right...Better duck and answer the fire!
MAX: It's a pity that we forgot our guns to the laundry shop!
SAM: Not again, we've already done that game, damn!
SHADOW: Tell me my past or I swear I'm going to rid you apart and pee in your organs!
SAM: what a mild language, no wonder that his videogame was rated E10+
MAX: What are we going to do Sam, I'm the president, I'm too beloved by the media to die!
SAM: We have only two options: we could try to reason with him, tell him about his past 'cause anyone else but him knows about it and than we could laugh about all those scientists and that little innocent girl who died because of the government that you currently represent...
MAX: Ooooor...?
SAM: We'll have to get all the giant size chips parcels on earth and open them in search of other 7 Chaos Emeralds...What do you think?
MAX: Giant sized chips parcels!! No prisoners!!
SAM: Why do I ask?
SAM: well max, we looked out all earth's chips parcels except for one...Max, tell me that you did not just eat all the parcel without even opening it in the first place!
MAX: Well Sam, considering that I've already turned in a Dragon Ball like golden fashion and I started to levitate...That would be a lie.
SAM: At least, you're now ready to face him.
SHADOW: Fools! I had giant chips parcels of my own...I can turn in Super Shadow! Or the name was Hyper shadow...whatever. BEHOLD THE ULTIMATE POWER!
MAX: One shall stand...One shall perish! I have the power! There will be only one! And whatcha gonna do, brother, when my Kamehameha and my general ability to mock mangas are gonna kick your Ass!!
SAM: Whoa Max, I can't even begin to count the atrocious number of copyrights violations you just made.
MAX: Shut up, faker!
And so the battle begins...
SUPER/HYPER SHADOW: Chaos Control! Chaos Spear!
SON MAXIMUS PRIME HE-MAX: Chaos painful thumbs in the eyes! Chaos Desoto reckless driving!
And than...I was taken by an army of lawyers so I couldn't end this story.
The End.
Stage 4: Sam & Max's Chaotix (based from a lame crossover experiment)
It's a boring day in the office of Team Chaotix, world known freelance detectives until...
The phone rings!
...
I said: the phone rings!
VECTOR: Uh, what? Oh yeah! Charmy, answer the phone, I'm too busy in hearing the latest Zebrahead's lame songs!
CHARMY: No, you answer the phone, I'm trying to beat this stupid computer game, Damn! Why this talking dog has a giant gun if he can't shoot anyone!
VECTOR: listen, last time I checked I was the boss and you the little mascot with an annoying voice, so you get that phone!
CHARMY: No, you get the phone!
VECTOR: No, you get the phone!
CHARMY: You got it!
VECTOR: You got it!
ESPIO: For the love of Naruto, shut up you two! Since you ruined my cheap meditation moment, I'll answer the phone!
Espio answered the phone...
ESPIO: Hello, who is this? Ehi so called boss, it's for you.
VECTOR: Ok give me that phone! Hello? Yes, yes, aha, your mother too, yes, just last night, aha, she was screaming all the time, what? Noooo, really? Tell her to be ready for the second part than! Ok, one important question, who the hell are you? I see... We're on the case!
CHARMY: Who was it Vector?
VECTOR: It was the Commissioner!
CHARMY: Who the toast is the Commissioner?
VECTOR: I have no freakin' idea but, guess what, we got a job!
ESPIO: It's about time, now I can finally use my...Ninja Powers!! What's the case Vector?
VECTOR: It seems there are troubles with the Master Emerald...Again! Apparently, Rouge the Bat stole the emerald while Knuckles the guardian were distracted in an attempt to beat the air and Angel Island has fallen in the ocean...Again!!
CHARMY: Let's go boys, we're headed to the former floating Island of angels!
VECTOR: Ehi! I'm still the boss 'round here, I'm the one who gives orders! Let's go boys we're ehrrr...What the bee said.
VECTOR: Well, here we are in Angel Island, home of the ancient Echidna tribe, giant mushrooms and a few other mambo-jumbos!
ESPIO: We could arrive here sooner if someone wasn't too cheap for renting a boat...
VESPIO. Ehi, we're saving the world around here, we don't have to pay nothing!
ESPIO: And so we became clandestine in that high class yacht, we got found and dropped in the ocean and we did swim for 300 miles hunted by hungry sharks...Stop me if I missed anything!
VECTOR: You're always good in complaining!
ESPIO: This is such a dishonor for a ninja with...Ninja Powers! Time to punish myself!
VECTOR: Espio, stop cutting yourself with those shuriken, we got to find the Emerald at once! By the way, what the heck happened to Charmy?
CHARMY: Ehi guys, sorry if I'm late, those sexy hula dancers at the beach were really into me, if you know what I mean!
ESPIO: Charmy, one of these days I'll show you my...Ninja Powers!!
SAM: Stop right there, impostors! This parody of a team work videogame have to finish right now!
MAX: besides, the Ninja Powers joke got already old!
VECTOR: Ehi, this is our case and you won't obstacle us, 'cause we are 3 and you are only two!
SAM: that's why we brought a friend...
VECTOR: Oh my...It's Mighty the Armadillo! Eh eh, how you doing buddy?
MIGHTY: Shut up! We're not buddies, you ruined my life, I was fired from SEGA because of you!
VECTOR: What have I done?
MIGHTY: You put on the Internet those fake photos of me naked in gay action with Link!
VECTOR: Well...You shouldn't tell everybody that I had an intimate relation with Solid Snake!
MIGHTY: Silence! I didn't get revenge before because I happened to be a pacifist, but then these dog and rabbity thing here told me about the therapeutic efforts of a good-all-fashioned ass kickin'!
MAX: And also the amazing use of one of those giant golden rings as unwanted painful nose piercing!
MIGHTY: Enough talk, let's battle! Fatality!!
And so, the blood bath begins...
And now it's time for the kids session! (Play the "Sonic Sez" theme song)
Sam sez, ehrrrr...I mean, says:
MAX: Wow Sam, this sure was an interesting episode, we just transformed another pathetic pacifist sissy into a violent vengeful psychopath and we also learned a valuable lesson about loyalty and respect to friends and job's colleagues!
SAM: You said it right, little buddy! Remember kids: putting fake photos of your friends or colleagues in a sex crazed fashion on the Internet, it's not cool!
MAX: But Sam I was wondering, if this so called friend just gone loose in telling everybody that you have a intimate relation with a certain videogame character who's name sounds quite ambiguous, don't you have the right to claim revenge on him?
SAM: Well, yes, but not in that way! You know Max, you could just find him and tell him very calmly to stop this senseless rumors that are ruining your reputation... Than you could show him a 1 million dollar libel suit and ruin he's life in the rightful way, the way of justice! So remember kids and you, little buddy: Don't be a fool, show your libel suit and everything's cool!
MAX: Now I know!
SAM: And knowing is half the battle!
SUPER SONIC: And I'll provide the other half...On your spines! Wha ha ha ha!
SAM: You crack us all, Super Sonic...No seriously, let's get outta here, Max!!
G.I.JOE!!
Stage 5: Sonic & Tails Freelance Police? (Based from a popular Internet expression: WTF?)
It's another idiotic and baffling day for Sonic the Hedgehog and his little squeaky voiced buddy, Tails.
The phone rings.
TAILS: Sonic, can you please answer? I'm too busy in adding some unrequited gadget to our TV, after this one it'll be able to fly and kill pigeons, This is gonna makes our life so much simpler, yeah!
SONIC: Uuuuuh...Right..
Sonic answers the phone...And almost loses his hand.
SONIC: Shoot, Tails! The damn phone just tried to cut off my hand with a random small sized chainsaw!!
TAILS: That's my special anti-unwanted call security system, you know, it works for government's calls, Eggman's calls, Amy's calls (especially these last one)...
SONIC: Shouldn't this works on the one who's calling, instead of the one who's answering!!
TAILS: well...I'm still workin' on it..
SONIC: Look Tails, when we met, long time ago, and you begged me for becoming my nerdy squeaky voiced under aged sidekick, I thought it was cool...I mean, almost each and every of the greatest heroes in the world has his own seemingly useless sidekick: Batman has Robin, Goku has Crillin, Mario has Luigi...Why I couldn't have one? But now, I'm starting to think that...We should take some time apart.
TAILS:...What..what are you saying?
SONIC: My life has become much more difficult since you've created all those gadget that were supposed to make it simpler!
TAIL: I don't quite follow you.
SONIC: I mean...What about that electric shock laser gun in the fridge? I'm still trying to recover my body to this very day!
TAILS: It's for our diet and proper nutrition!
SONIC: And what about those micro Claymore mines in the closet?
TAILS: In case we've been attacked by one of those obsessive fans of yours that wants to steal your under wears!
SONIC: I don't have any under wears and you know it! And what about that giant invisible mouse trap in the toilet!!
TAILS:...I was bored.
A phone rings again...This time it's Tails's super hyper light saber like cell phone!
SONIC: We'll talk about it later, now answer the cell!
TAILS: Hello...Oh, it's for you.
SONIC: Hello, yes, yes, aha, my mother what? Screw you man! Ehi tails, do you know some random assclown named: the Commissioner?
TAILS: Nope!
SONIC: He must dialed the wrong number than! What we were talking about? I forgot, oh whatever! I'm bored, I think I'm gonna chase Eggman and collect the Chaos Emeralds for the 150th time, see ya later!
TAILS: See ya Sonic...(Jerk)!
In the next episode, witness the chubbiest thing alive, Sam the Dog and his little two eared buddy freak, Max "Ears" Prower , battling their evil neighborhood aboard the X-Desoto!
Rated E for everyone gets killed by a crazy lagomorph
Enjoy, kids!