"You had to know that was the one thing I could never …" I just couldn't finish that sentence. Saying it would have meant admitting defeat, admitting that I would give up, that he was the only one to blame for this relationship thing not working, not having a chance. Saying it out load would make it true, and I wasn't really ready to do that then. Not that I knew, on a conscious level.
It has been days, weeks even, since that night, but that sentence keep coming back to me. I thought that I hated him for most of that time. Since that night, since I realized what he had done, but I knew I could never hate him. Trust him again? Not too sure about that, but certainly not hate him. The two of us going out had been the silliest thing ever; whatever did we have in common? And how could two people be happy together when they are this different? It was bound to happen; one of us would lash out in a way that hurt the other. If we had been in New York it would probably have been me. Embarrassed to have been seen with him, or something, letting him down.
But we weren't in New York, we were in Bluebell Alabama. And right now, I got everyone on my side, and he had gotten everyone against him. It wasn't really right. Or was it?
Why am I this confused? I have a right to hate him, he cheated. So why the hell can't I hate him?
I have to face it, I can't really hate him, cause I love him. There's nothing more to say about it. Nothing I can do to stop it. The sound of his voice, when he asked me to forgive him. He was in so much pain right then, maybe more than me. I could hear it, and I wanted to say that everything would be ok, but then I couldn't. Cause of all that anger and all of that pain. How could he do that to me? I'm a doctor, even did a psych rotation at one point, so I know why he did it. I just don't know why he did it. Why he couldn't see that I would never hurt him, that I would never push him away.
Who the hell am I to say that I would never push him away? All the time he was living with the she's gonna leave me for George Tucker any day now crap. I know I did that, I really didn't have any excuse for that either, did I? After all, I didn't realize how much I love Wade until after this whole mess blew up in my face. Love … Why was this thing so difficult? Why didn't we just admit our feelings for each other and live happily ever after. I guess hindsight is really 20/20, because right now I see so clearly what I didn't see under the whole George thing. How much it must have hurt Wade every time I did something to suggest that I would pick George over him any day. And let's face it, I did do that a lot, didn't I?
And then suddenly I choose him, not in a straightforward way, but I think he knew. Or maybe he didn't, and I could have avoided this whole mess by telling him, instead of putting all this pressure on him. But why am I putting all this pressure on me now, when its him that did wrong?
Because I'm not sure how to move on, that's why. Tamsy's way isn't really working; I don't know how to do what she did. Loving him, but still keep away from him and get over him on some level. And I certainly can't do what crazy lady does with all her crazy Wade songs, cause then I would be miserable for the rest of my days.
Guess I have to find my own way, in time. Maybe this is a wake-up call for both of us, to do better, be better people. And then maybe, someday …