Running with her on my back was…freeing, the most joyful expression of everything inside of me.
The wind blew her scent away from me, but her arms and legs wound round me told me that she was still there, very real and very warm.
I felt a laugh bubble in my throat when I thought of her complaints that she was too heavy to carry. A truck wasn't too heavy for me to carry. Bella in her truck on top of a full grown elephant, now that- I considered it for a moment- no, that still wouldn't be too heavy, although logistically illogical.
I let trees slip by us that had taken hours to pass on the way here. Without meaning to do so, I timed my breathing with hers and I could feel each of her breaths exhale on the back of my neck. Her breathing was a bit shallow. I wondered if she was feeling the same lightness and bliss that seemed to exist in every inch of my limbs.
Her arms were latched onto my neck tightly. At least, I imagined it was very tight for her. She didn't dent my skin at all, but I could feel her blood pulse harder where she gripped.
Her blood. So I'd come back to that thought. Ha, if honesty were the order of the day then I'd have to admit I'd never left that thought, not for a moment. Even now, in my elation at this tame contact with her, I could not deny the fact that my mouth held ready venom. As much as I loved Bella Swan, my body was and would always be completely prepared to murder her and drink her blood in less than a second.
The insanity of my thoughts upon first smelling her rivaled those of the first whiff I'd gotten of a human after my change: purely instinctual and basely brutal. It was a painful contradiction that I simultaneously desired her unending love as well as the very substance that kept her alive and with me.
A catch 22. I wanted to have my cake, and…well, eat it too.
Bella's grip had not changed since the start of the run and I felt the warmth of her legs envelop my waist. This was it; this was heaven and hell at the same time. Our relationship balanced agonizingly on the edge of a knife, yet it was happiness like I had never before felt.
I began to imagine ways to shift her from my back, to soak my skin with her warmth. I could place her hands once again on my face and be allowed to stare into those trusting eyes. I could hug her again. The memory of our last embrace made my smile even larger. We'd held each other and I'd felt wholeness. I'd never realized I was incomplete. I loved Bella, purely and powerfully. Not purely and simply. Nothing about this was simple.
But if it was…
If circumstances were different, if I didn't have to worry about killing her by accident, I knew what I wanted to do. I desired, in every deep part of me, to kiss Isabella Swan. I wanted to taste her in a non-killer, hungry, vampiric way.
I wished I was just a normal teenager who was coming back from first date with nothing more to worry about than whether the girl felt the same way as he did.
But Bella had let me know how she felt. It couldn't be exactly the same as how I felt. I was so in love with Bella that my future now shifted entirely based on her. Alice could attest to that. Nevertheless, Bella had strong feelings for me. If I could control myself, I would be very careful, very gentle…
We'd exited the woods and I had made my decision. Suddenly everything around us seemed much more alive, much more real. I breathed in the fresh air that hinted at a coming rain.
"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked Bella, excitedly. I waited for her response, but none came. In fact, I hadn't even felt her move.
"Bella?" I was now slightly worried. Her breaths were coming in short shallow gasps.
Finally she managed, "I think I need to lie down." Shoot. Maybe a run through the woods wasn't the best idea for an introduction to what being around vampires was like. You could count on Bella to turn out to have motion sickness. Yet still, she hadn't moved.
"I think I need help," she struggled to string the words together. Hah! I happily obliged her, laughing to think about it. Bella set out to constantly prove to me that she was in control and independent. She must have been kicking herself to need my help now.
I placed my hands on her biceps that were flexed around my neck in a death grip and gently unlocked them. The tension in her arms seemed to melt with my touch. I moved her around me so that I was holding her to my body. The scent of her blood slammed into me and the monster inside of me was already two steps ahead, thinking of how easy it would be to take her. She was already immobilized. I hesitated.
Her slight warm weight felt so comforting. Her hair was messy and tangled from the run. It reminded me of how it splashed across her pillow at night. I held her a moment, desiring the kiss more strongly than at any other moment and more strongly than the monster wanted her blood. I then looked at her face and I could not ignore her slightly chalky complexion and stunned eyes. I at least had to wait until her head stopped spinning. I set her down.
"How do you feel?"
"Dizzy, I think," she replied. Well that much was obvious. I worried for a second about her heart. This was twice now I'd seen her practically faint. I was too much in tune to Bella's heart to worry long. It beat strongly and rhythmically with her breaths.
Years of medical training finally kicked in and I said, "Put your head between your knees."
Luckily, she didn't fight with me and instead kind of collapsed and let her limbs and head buckle. Her hair fell down on the sides of her head and she gently massaged the exposed back of her neck with her fingertips. I involuntarily took a step forward.
I curbed my sudden desire to place my mouth on that delicious window of skin. The craving was part vampire, part lust. It warranted immediate checking. I'd grown much too much in love with Bella in this afternoon to risk her life in any way. Instead I sat very close next to her.
She lifted her head up and stared at me with slightly fatigued eyes. She let them close and moved her face to breathe in the breeze passing by us.
"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I admitted, watching color return to her face.
She managed to warble out, "No, it was very interesting."
I grinned broadly as her forehead wrinkled in the challenge of speaking while nauseous. Such a liar. I wasn't going to let her off the hook and I let out a laugh.
"You're as white as a ghost," I began and I started to move my hand to her face, suddenly catching the similarity of pigment, "no, you're as white as me!"
"I think I should have closed my eyes," she replied.
"Remember that next time," I suggested.
"Next time!" Bella said incredulously. I couldn't help bursting out laughing. Of all the things to stun Bella about me, making her fearful, it was RUNNING. Had she not seen the tree I uprooted, heard my murderous confession? Her face was turned towards mine, but her eyes were still closed. I moved my face closer to hers. Testing the air so close to her skin. I could do this. I could touch her lips with my own. I wanted to so badly. I took in her face. Lavender eyelids and a rose-petal pink tingeing her full lips.
"Show-off," she grumbled.
I was ready now; I needed to kiss her then.
"Open your eyes, Bella," I asked. She looked up at me through dark lashes and it was almost too much. The full effect of her face was unequivocally gorgeous. I would let this be her choice, though. I would always give her a choice.
"I was thinking, while I was running…" I began to explain, wondering if I was truly strong enough to do this.
"About now hitting trees, I hope," countered Bella. I chuckled a bit. Stubborn woman. My life was filled with stubborn women.
"Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about," I laughed. Kissing Bella Swan, however, I could not stop thinking, worrying, about.
She scoffed but had a slight smile on her face replying again, "Show-off".
"No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."
I placed my hands on the sides of her face and for a moment just let myself take that in. Her skin was so silky, so translucent. My proximity to her face was unbearable with my desire to bite her. But slowly and surely the need to feel her lips on mine was becoming the force I could not ignore. It consumed me. I struggled for restraint as I held my breath for just a second and then moved my face even closer to hers.
I took a breath in, tasting her on my tongue and suddenly I lost all will, all thought, to hold myself back. I put my lips on hers, kissing her. A warmth filled me, an elation, a mad desire to abandon…everything. Her fingers moved into my hair drawing me to her and there was Bella everywhere and nothing else ever existed. From the pit of me I felt euphoria and desire spreading the same way a growl rumbled within me in the face of an enemy. But I wasn't ready and couldn't handle this. She parted her lips and I almost took her then. Her taste, god her taste was on me. So close and I had no control left.
I shut down. I had no power to stop myself from sinking my teeth into warm, willing flesh. Her blood pounded. I froze myself to save her life as lust and thirst crashed into me. I found life in my arms and pushed them backwards, moving Bella's face away. Her skin was flushed; her eyes were heavy with longing. It was taking almost 90 years of control to stop myself from quenching my thirst with the most fragrant blood I had ever known.
She finally spoke. "Oops."
"That's an understatement," I concurred. I managed to wonder whether she realized how much danger she had just been in. Her lips were red and inviting and I wanted to feel them again. Then she started to pull away.
The monster was ready to answer this instinctually. No, no, no. Running was a very bad idea for her in this moment. It felt like she was fleeing and my impulse to chase wouldn't leave her undamaged.
"Should I…?" she began as she continued to try to move.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please," I urged as I regained a sense of myself.
Slowly I was beginning to realize what had occurred. I'd finally done it. Finally kissed her and she'd shown me that she trusted me and wanted me as well. This had been one of the hardest and most wonderful moments of my existence. In my delirium of thirst and love and relief and triumph all I could do now was look into the dazzled eyes of my love and smile.