Author's Note: This is what happens when I get sick. Angsty crap comes spewing out. I think I have a penchant for putting characters through emotional trauma. DX
I know I need to finish "The Kitten Conundrum" but I didn't really feel like it. I will try to get the next chapter up this week. This story, by the way, sets after my story "Forgive Me" and before "The Kitten Conundrum." Also check out my profile for links to how I imagine Archer and Toad look. I hope you enjoy this.

Chris "Toad" Williams watched his partner through grey-blue eyes as he sat in the rec room. He leaned back in his chair, throwing his feet up on the table and taking a swig of his beer. Archer was across the room with Ghost and MacTavish, they were currently in the process of jeering at Roach as he made a fool of himself. Not that Archer said much, he had been quieter than normal the last week. Chris watched as Roach attempted to leap over a chair and sit himself in it. He failed miserable and landed on his face, Ghost and MacTavish roaring with laughter. He saw Archer smirk, but it didn't reach his eyes.

Toad frowned as he downed the rest of his beer. He knew Archer wasn't a talkative person and generally didn't express his emotions, but he seemed colder than normal recently. When he spoke it was biting and harsh, completely unlike Archer. Chris began to wonder if it was some kind of front to keep everyone out. He thought that after that fucked up mission where Archer got seriously injured and then had admitted how much Toad's friendship meant to him(1) that he would have opened up to him more. He had opened up to him, but it hadn't lasted long, only about 3 weeks. Now for the last week he had been shutting Toad out. Shutting everyone out, acting more emotionless than normal. Chris had no idea what was going on and hadn't pushed it, thinking that if he just gave Archer some space maybe he would come around. So far he hadn't.

"Hey mate, something the matter?" an Australian accent interrupted his thoughts.

Toad looked up at Rook. "What? Ah, no. It's nothing." He waved him off.

Rook just shrugged.

Chris set his feet on the ground and stood up. "I'm gonna get another beer. You want something?"

"Bring me some rum would ya?"

Toad chuckled. "Hitting the hard shit early huh?"

Rook grinned at him. "Why not?"

"Good point."

He walked across the room to where Archer was, as that's where the alcohol was. MacTavish and Ghost were now sitting at a table with Roach and Meat playing a drunk game of Scrabble and bickering over some word Roach had just played(2). Toad opened the sad excuse for a fridge they had and pulled out a beer. Archer was leaning on the counter, ignoring Toad, but he could feel tension radiating off him. Chris shut the fridge and watched as Archer poured himself a shot of vodka and downed it. He was sure he saw a flicker of sadness in Archer's green eyes, but it was gone before he could confirm it. Archer looked over at him and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" he said gruffly.

Toad just watched him for a minute, trying to gauge the situation. "You… okay?" he asked slowly, still unsure if he should be prying.

"Fine," Archer grunted, but he looked away from Toad.

Liar.

He continued to watch Archer. Something was definitely wrong, but he was being stubborn. Suddenly Archer grabbed the vodka bottle off the counter and walked out the back door of the rec room, completely avoiding eye contact with Toad.

Chris stood there shocked as the door Archer had gone through shut with a soft thud. What the hell was up with him? He rarely drank and here he had walked away with an almost full bottle of vodka, presumably to drink it by himself. He shook his head. If Ian wanted to drink himself into oblivion, that was his business and Toad would leave him to it.

He reached into the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of rum. As he walked back to Rook, he felt a stab of guilt for not going after Archer. He pushed it away. Archer could take care of himself. If he wanted to talk he would come to Toad.

Several hours later Toad stumbled over to the bathrooms. He really needed to piss, but fuck, he was drunk. He pushed the door open and stepped into the brightly lit area. He blinked and swayed, his mind hazy. He staggered over to a urinal and relieved himself. As he finished his foggy mind recognized the sound of a shower going. Drunk curiosity got the better of him and he zipped his pants and made his way back towards the showers. Later, when he was sober, he would wonder what the hell had made him walk back there.

As he walked into the shower area he stopped dead in his tracks. He sobered up somewhat at the sight that greeted him. Archer stood under the spray of one of the showers, the vodka bottle empty at his feet. His arms were outstretched, palms flat against the white tile holding him up. His head was hanging down and his large frame shook as he cried. No, not crying… sobbing. Archer's face was contorted with agony, eyes squeezed shut, his mouth open in a silent scream. Soft, choked sobs left his mouth, as if the pain was constricting his chest.

Toad just stood there watching Archer, blue eyes wide with shock. He was completely at a loss of what to do. The pain in Archer's face made his heart hurt.

"Archer?" he said tentatively.

Archer's head snapped up, a deer in the headlights look on his face. He relaxed when he saw it was Toad. He hung his head in shame. "Go away."

Toad had expected malice and a biting tone from Archer. Instead his voice was full of pain and hopelessness. He swallowed heavily. "If I do… you gonna do something stupid?" he asked, fear edging its way into his voice.

"No," Archer said softly. "What good would that do?"

The answer was that it wouldn't do any good. But Toad had seen people do stupid things when depressed. He didn't think Archer was like that, but that didn't stop him from worrying.

"Please," said Archer hoarsely. "Just leave me alone."

"Okay…" Toad shuffled nervously. "But… if you want to talk… I'm here for you."

When Archer didn't respond, he sighed heavily and slowly walked away. He heard Archer start to cry again and inwardly cringed. Whatever had happened was causing Archer a lot of pain and he had no idea how to help him. He ran a hand through his blonde hair as exited the bathrooms. He felt helpless and he hated it. He sighed and made his way to the barracks.

After training Toad was lying on his bed, hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. He kept running what had happened the night before through his head. It was obvious something traumatic had happened to Archer, maybe the death of a friend or family member. It seemed like the only logical conclusion. He had never seen Archer so upset before. Chris sighed heavily, feeling useless and helpless.

The door to their room swung open and Archer walked into the room. He stopped when he saw Toad.

"Am I… interrupting something?"

"No," said Toad turning his head to look at Archer. "Just thinking."

Archer looked at him with disbelief on his face as he closed the door. "You sick or something?"

"Har dee har har," said Toad, sarcasm dripping from his words. "No."

Archer just grunted and walked over to his desk on the side of the room opposite of Toad. As he rummaged around, Toad pushed himself into a sitting position.

"Hey, Ian…" He swore he saw Archer cringe at the use of his real name. "What's going on with you?"

Archer froze, his whole body tensing up. He kept his back to Toad. "Why?"

"You've been acting weird all week."

"Hmmm."

Toad swung his legs off the bed and stood up. "Come on man, what the hell's going on? You've hardly said two words to anyone for a week!"

"I don't want to talk about it," Archer growled.

"Too bad," said Toad walking up to Archer. "I'm not taking no for an answer."

Archer just growled. Toad reached out, setting a hand on his shoulder. Archer turned to face him, smacking his hand away. He stared down at the smaller man. His face was twisted with anger, but Toad saw the despair and fear in his eyes. Archer seemed to think that Toad couldn't see through his little facade, but to survive as a team he had quickly learned to read Archer, especially his eyes as that was what usually gave him away.

Toad stared up at him defiantly. "You can't pull this shit with me, Archer. We're friends. Something's obviously bothering you, so fucking talk to me!"

Archer crossed his large arms across his chest and Toad saw him clench his jaw. They stood there, warring with their eyes, for how long Toad didn't know. He felt his patience waning.

He clenched his fists. "You can't keep shutting me out like this!"

"I said I didn't want to talk about it," Archer growled.

Toad ground his teeth together in exasperation. "Fine," he spat. "You wanna wallow in self pity and push everyone away from you? Fine! You go ahead and do that. See if I care!" But hurt was clearly evident in his blue eyes. "Selfish bastard!" He turned away angrily and exited the room, slamming the door behind him.

Archer stood there in the room for a moment, his body shaking from the adrenaline. His legs felt so weak. He crumpled to the floor in despair as he realized that the one person he could have talked to he had just pushed farther away, alienating him. He was alone.

Toad watched as over the course of the next week Archer's mental state deteriorated. They had hardly talked since their spat earlier in the week. Going about their own business and nearly ignoring each other. It wasn't that Toad wanted it like that. He wanted to help, but what was the point if Archer was just going to keep pushing him away? He had no idea what to do. He was worried about Ian. It seemed like he wasn't sleeping anymore either as his eyes were nearly black with exhaustion. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and he could hear Archer crying softly. It made him feel like a total jerk for not trying harder, but he really had no idea how to handle it or what to do. How could you help someone that didn't want to be helped?

Toad slowly made his way down the barracks corridor. Training had not gone so well. He was pretty sure Archer was starting to snap. He had been excessively competitive and violent today, pushing himself harder than Toad had ever seen. During hand to hand combat training he had nearly beaten the shit out of Meat. Toad and Roach had had to pry him off, an animal like growl leaving him as they did so. Ghost had been pissed and had ordered him to his office, likely to reprimand him. Archer, Ghost and MacTavish had been in Ghost's office for the rest of training and through lunch.

Toad shook his head and sighed. He really needed to talk to Archer. He took the key to their room out of his pocket and unlocked the door. When he opened the door his mouth fell open in shock at the sight that greeted him. A mess of clothes, books, papers, and random objects were strewn across the room, along with shards of glass. Archer's beside lamp lay broken on the floor and his alarm clock was over by Toad's desk. It looked like a hurricane had come through the room. An angry, hurt hurricane named Archer. He was standing in the middle of the room, breathing heavily. His shoulders were shaking and blood dripped from cuts on his left hand.

"Archer, what the hell happened?" asked Toad in disbelief.

Archer whirled around and Toad took an involuntary step back at the anger and pain on Archer's face. Archer opened his mouth, but immediately snapped it shut, his eyes watery with emotion. He took a deep breath.

"Get. Out," he growled.

"Like hell I will," said Toad, stepping further into the room and shutting the door behind him definitely.

Archer's face contorted with anger, but he just turned away from Toad, roughly running his uninjured hand through his hair.

"Archer, what is going on?"

"Fuck off, Toad."

"No way. Talk to me."

"No."

"Damnit Archer, stop being such a stubborn bastard!"

Stars danced in front of his eyes as his head smacked against the door. Archer's hands were gripping the collar of Toad's shirt as he held him against the door. The same animal like growl from earlier left his lips as he pressed Toad harder against the door. His face was twisted with rage and looked utterly unlike Archer. Toad found himself being frightened by the man holding him to the door. His heart pounded in his chest as he stared wide eyed at Archer. He had never seen him so angry. He was afraid Archer was going to hurt him. He could take care of himself, but Archer was still bigger than him and had the advantage of pent up emotions.

"Ian…"

He watched as Archer's face softened and most of the anger drained from his eyes. The grip on his shirt loosened, but Archer's hands were trembling. He reached up and gently set his hands on Archer's forearms.

"I know you're hurting," he said quietly. "Please, just talk to me."

Slowly Archer let go of Toad, who was watching him warily. He took a step back as pain filled his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Toad let out the breath he had been holding. "It's okay."

Archer stepped back further, vigorously shaking his head. "No, it's not. I shouldn't have… There's no excuse for that." He swallowed heavily, tears forming in his eyes.

Chris watched his friend, sympathy on his face. "I want to help you, Archer. But I can't if you keep shutting me out."

Archer looked away. "I know."

They stood like that for a minute, Archer staring at the floor and Toad watching him. The steady dripping of blood as it ran off Archer's hand and splashed onto the floor was the only sound in the room.

"So," said Toad softly, breaking the silence. "Are you gonna let me help you?"

Archer squeezed his eyes shut and nodded jerkily.

Toad sighed in relief and ran a hand through his blonde hair. "Well, uh, let's get your hand patched up first."

Archer still didn't look at him, just nodded. Toad carefully made his way over to his bed and pulled a small first aid kit out from underneath it. He grabbed a shirt off the floor and his water bottle off his desk and walked back over to Archer. He motioned to Archer's bed.

"Sit."

Archer did as he was told and Toad sat down next to him. He set the med kit next to himself and opened it. He then soaked the edge of the tee shirt with water and set the water bottle on the floor. Cautiously he took Archer's hand and began to clean the cuts. Archer made no move to stop him, simply watching Toad clean the wound, his face blank. It wasn't the same emotionless mask he'd been wearing the last few weeks, to Toad it looked more like numbness.

"You know, you've been freaking me out the last two weeks," he said softly as he dropped the shirt on the floor. He reached over and pulled out a packet of antiseptic. "I thought maybe you were going crazy or something…" He licked his lips nervously as he opened the antiseptic and prepared for his next admission. "I was worried."

He applied the antiseptic and Archer flinched slightly at the sting. He glanced up at him. He was looking at Toad now, a look of pain and regret on his face.

"I'm sorry." It was a barely audible whisper, but Toad heard it.

"Sokay," he mumbled as he wrapped Archer's hand. "I'm just glad you haven't done anything stupid…"

Archer looked away, his face twisted with guilt.

"You didn't… did you?" asked Chris, fear welling up in his heart.

Archer shook his head. "No. But… I thought about it."

"Ian… what happened? What's going on?"

Archer swallowed hard and then reached behind him, grabbing a letter off his bed. He silently handed it to Toad.

"What's this?"

"It's a letter…" he took a deep breath. "From my fiance."

"WHAT? You're engaged?" Toad cried in shock. Archer had never even mentioned her. Not that he talked about his personal life much, Toad hardly knew anything about him. But a fiance was a big deal. A big fucking deal.

Archer flinched at the volume of Toad's voice. "I was."

Toad's eyes widened in realization. Suddenly the way Archer had been acting made total sense.

"Just… read it," said Archer, pain edging its way into his voice. He set his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands.

Toad slowly unfolded the letter and began reading it. In it she told Archer that she was breaking off their engagement. She cared about him, but he was always gone and she couldn't handle it. There was no way she could marry someone who was never home. She said she was sorry and hoped that he could forgive her someday.

"Fuck…" Toad breathed as he finished reading.

He handed the letter back to Archer who took it with trembling hands. He set it back down on the bed.

"My parents said she was… she was already dating someone else…" He put his face in his hands and began to cry.

"Shit, Archer… I'm so sorry."

He placed a hand on Archer's shoulder trying to comfort him. He just cried harder. They sat there for a while until Archer could compose himself. He finally straightened up and wiped his face with his hand. Toad dropped his hand into his lap.

"She was so excited when I proposed… now I'm wondering if that was just a lie…"

Toad just sat there quietly, watching his friend sadly. How could anyone reject him like that? Archer was the most chivalrous person he knew.

"God… I loved her so much. She was only the second girl I ever dated. I was convinced she was the one I was going to marry…" A tear slid down his cheek and he squeezed his eyes shut.

Toad sat there completely at a loss as to what to say. What could you say? "It's gonna be okay?" While true, it wouldn't feel like it. It was a stupid thing to say. Maybe silence was the best thing right now anyway.

Archer looked up at him, green eyes full of pain. "It hurts so much…"

"I know," he said softly.

"There were so many times… I wanted to put a gun to my head and end it all…"

Toad swallowed. He had a feeling that Archer had had those kinds of thoughts. "Well… I'm glad you didn't." He offered Archer a weak smile.

Archer looked like he was going to start crying again. "You and my family were the reason I didn't." Toad looked at him, shocked and it made Archer's face contort with pain. "You are my best friend, Chris. I'm sorry it doesn't show more."

Toad shook his head. "It's fine. I have my own issues." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Your opinion of me matters more than I'd like to admit…"

Archer's eyes widened and he looked away guiltily. "I've been such a shitty friend."

Toad couldn't help laughing slightly. "Recently? Hell yeah. But that's understandable." He looked over at Archer and smiled. "But you're a damn good friend. I don't think I could ask for better."

Archer looked embarrassed by the compliment and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"I'm just glad you're finally talking to me."

Archer nodded. "It… doesn't take away all the pain." He took a shaky breath. "But it helps…"

"Yeah… I wish I was better at this. So I could help you more."

Archer shrugged. "You're there for me, that's more than enough. And you did try… I just kept pushing you away." He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Shit, I'm not gonna hold that against you." He shook his head. "Just… try not to do it again, alright?"

"I'll try."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Archer seemed to have calmed down, but it seemed like he was still struggling to not cry. Toad had a feeling that he would probably catch Archer crying for a while. This wasn't something you could get over in a few weeks. But he was determined to be there for his friend.

"Did you tell Ghost and MacTavish?" he finally asked.

"No."

Chris frowned. "Why not? You know they would've cut you some slack if they knew."

"I know. It's just…" he trailed off and shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

Toad knew Archer hated looking weak. It was probably the reason he had kept pushing Toad away. He sighed heavily. "I think I understand."

Archer looked up at him and pursed his lips, nodding.

"So what'd they say?"

"That I needed to get my shit together and that if that happened again I would be out of here." He shook his head. "But it won't happen again."

"Well… next time you feel like beating the shit out of someone you can come get me."

"No. I don't want to get to that point ever again." He paused. "I'll just come talk to you sooner," he said quietly.

"That would be good," Toad said, leaning over and nudging Archer with his shoulder.

The action pulled a small smile from Archer.

"You gonna be okay?"

Archer sighed heavily. "Probably. But…"

"It's gonna take a while," Toad finished for him.

Archer nodded, a look of pain crossing his face.

"I'm here for you, you know that right? If you ever need someone to talk to, or cry with, or just sit with or… whatever, I'm here."

"Thanks mate."

"No problem."

The rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning up their room in silence. But Toad didn't mind. He just wanted to be there for Archer.

Toad's prediction turned out to be true and he often heard Archer crying in the middle of the night. But now, rather than say anything he would simply go over to Archer's bed and sit with him, offering his presence as comfort. They never said anything, but the gratefulness in Archer's eyes was enough for Toad. He knew it would take a while for Archer to heal and he would be there for him, even if he couldn't say anything. But maybe it was better that way, words were so often over used. The two of them didn't need words to speak to each other anyway.

(1) See my other story with Archer and Toad, "Forgive Me."
(2) Read a story where Ghost and Roach were playing a game of Scrabble and Roach played the word "ghoti" claiming it spelled "fish." Thought that was funny, so decided to give it a shout out.

Author's Note: This was originally supposed to be a songfic to the song "Where Will You Go" by Evanescence, but then I read that FFN doesn't allow songfics anymore. Man I haven't been on here in a looooong time. So you should totally Youtube that song and listen to it, because this story was pretty much inspired by it. There are two version of the song so find the one from their "Origin" album. Also if you like them and want LEGAL, free downloads of their old albums (Origin, EP, Mystary, Sound Asleep, a Demo CD and some Misc. stuff) the PM and I'll send you a link. Since those CDs aren't in print anymore Evanescence gave permission to download them free.

So here's a list of the Evanescence songs that I listened to while writing this.
"Where Will You Go" "Before the Dawn" "Bleed" "Breath No More" "Demise" "Eternal" "Field of Innocence" "Hello" "Lies" "Missing" "Call Me When You're Sober" "Lithium" "The Only One" "Like You" and "All That I'm Living For"
That was pretty much my playlist.

Hope you guys enjoyed this story. Please review and constructive criticism is always appreciated.