REMNANTS
"She's torn up plenty, but she'll fly true."
Zoe's words resounded through my head, over and over and over again. I knew what she meant. After all we'd been through…all the loss, all the pain... We were all so gorram stubborn, refusing to break, even though we knew we were drowning in the mess of it all. Each of us avoiding the other's gaze, knowing what we'd see… Shadows of the past, of the present—like needles; yes, they were vengeful, reminiscent needles that the Alliance kept shoving into our brainpans just to see how much we could take.
To make us obey. To make us "better."
I laughed bitterly, only slightly reveling in the fact that we had beat them back, just this once.
Of course, not without a price.
Seems like there's always a price to pay for doing what's right...
At least River was getting better—was.
After Miranda she just—
I stared out into the Black, at the open, shadowy space, thinking…remembering.
I'm sorry. Book, Wash…I'm so sorry. Ni bu ying duh jur guh.
The stars appeared to dim as my eyes swept over them. It was as if they deemed me culpable, as if they were saying I was the reason the 'Verse had become a little bit more of empty place.
Yes, I told them silently. You're right. I lost them, it was me; my fault. I made this happen; it was my decision that got them killed.
Deep down, I think I knew exactly what I was getting us into. And I think if I had tried just a little bit harder, I could have saved them. I could have saved them both. I could have saved us all.
I never voiced my thoughts, even though I knew they showed in my actions and in my face. No one but Zoe could look into my eyes anymore, the black vortex that housed my tortured soul. Inara tried sometimes, but it pained her too much—she kept trying to see me as I was, and I hadn't the heart to tell her that part of me was long gone, corrupted by the Alliance, by the events of the war, by Miranda...
I glanced down at the screens, which were still not fully working since the crash. For the first time, I saw how the starlight hit the panel and shattered into millions of glittering rays that pierced the darkness with a ferocity I had not cared to notice before. No wonder Wash spent—had spent—so much of his free time up here, watching the stars dance across the sky, filling up the Black with new light.
It was fascinating.
I watched one star wink out and fade into the dark night, and, in a rare moment of clarity, I saw what was, what had been, and I remembered.
I remembered Book: "I believe there's a power greater than men. A power that heals."
Where is it, Shepherd? When I—we—need it the most, where is it? And where are you? Nothing makes sense anymore...
"It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith. It fixes you."
You told us to believe. You made us try. But how could I, when I don't—you told us faith would fix, would heal. But you didn't tell us when…
"That crossed my mind."
Gorram it, Book. I can't believe in God. I don't know how to believe in anything anymore. You left us with nothing but—
"I don't care what you believe, just believe it."
…
And then I remembered Wash:
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."
What does that even mean..? I never did find out…and while we're on the subject of THAT, what were you thinking? You left me and Zoe. You left all of us.
"Hey, I've been in a firefight before!"
Hell, Wash. You ain't ever been in a firefight like that one. Never one like that…
"I don't want you to spare me, Mal."
Da shiong la se la chwohn tian, I should have. I really should have…
I left them both behind. I know that. And I swear to the Shepherd's God and whoever the wong ba duhn I believe in that I will never, ever forget what they've given me, what they've given us.
And I don't regret what we did.
I regret what we lost, but I'll never regret what it was we did.
"We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty."
All of us.
Chinese (Mandarin) Translations:
Ni bu ying duh jur guh: You [didn't] deserve it.
Da shiong la se la chwohn tian: Explosive diarrhea of an elephant.
Wong ba duhn: Son of a bitch.