What Dreams May Come

Spoliers for Ripple Effect, season 9.

Author's Note: It's not intended to be a shippy story, but it may look like it at a glance. The only implied relationship here is a very close friendship between Daniel and Sam, and perhaps a bit more-than-just-friends situation between Sam and Jack. Okay, okay, there's a bit of Daniel/Janet fluff, but it's all very vague.

Daniel took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Maybe Jack was right, and he should turn on the overhead lights in his office once in awhile. He glanced at the light-switch on the wall and then shook his head. Nah, the fluorescent lights used to illuminate the interior of Cheyenne Mountain gave him worse headaches than just the usual eye strain brought on by long days of translating text. The manuscript he was currently poring over wasn't, for a change, anything to do with either the Goa'uld or the Orii. In fact, it was something a colleague of his had sent to him. It was just a plain old, if exceedingly rare, form of Hebrew which may or may not have significance to Biblical scholars. Regardless, Daniel's Hebrew was a bit rusty, and it had taken him the better part of four hours to translate the entire document to his satisfaction. Now finished for the night, he began packing his bag with a few things he wanted to take home with him, and finally thought about the events which had caused him to turn to the mundane work of translating a Pharisees' private journal.

He'd seen Janet today. Hugged her, talked to her. Daniel paused in his packing and stared off into space for a moment. You'd think he would have come to expect the unexpected, but nothing had prepared him to see her again. She was dead, gone. He had finally made his peace with that, and then now, two years later she appeared out of the Stargate alive and well. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to alleviate the headache. After they had seen all the alternate SG teams off back to their respective universes, he had come straight here to the sanctuary of his books and thrown himself into his current project, trying to block out the emotional turmoil raging within him. Why do all the people I care about end up dead and gone! It was a familiar thought, but Daniel had hoped the pain it brought would fade over time. No such luck. First his parents, then Sha're, Sarah, Janet… The list went on, names of comrades and friends. All gone. But they refused to stay away.

Daniel picked up his jacket and headed for the elevator. He had changed out of his BDUs before going to work on the manuscript so now all that was left was checking out of the mountain and driving home. He passed Teal'c in the corridor and called a "good night!" his way. Teal'c did not stop to chat either. It seemed both men were quite tired of company. Having 18 other versions of yourself in a limited space will tend to do that to a person. On his way out, Daniel learned that Sam had left only a few minutes before him, courtesy of a friendly guard. He looked at his watch. Surely it couldn't be 11:30 already! He'd swore to himself that he would leave the SGC by 10 at latest, but it seemed that this resolution was likely to fail. So much for getting a full eight hours of sleep. They had a debriefing session at 0800 tomorrow morning and it took more and more coffee lately to get Daniel awake and functioning.

He drove home on autopilot, not really aware of his surroundings. Opening the door to his apartment, he threw his jacket and bag on the sofa and went to the kitchen for a drink. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and a slight grin crossed his face as he imagined Jack's reaction to the day he'd just had. One thing was certain; the drink in his hand would have been a lot harder. Most likely whiskey or beer. Damn but he missed Jack. If only Jack could've stayed at the SGC. Daniel took a swig of water. For that matter if only Vala hadn't come through with that bracelet thing, he could've been in Atlantis by now! If you were in Atlantis, you never would've seen Janet again. A voice whispered in the back of his mind. Daniel froze, and then slowly lowered the bottle from his lips. Janet. The name seemed to be hovering in front of his eyes, taunting him with the variety of meanings which came from it. His doctor, his friend, his…love. Daniel shook his head, trying to free himself from the memories.

Resolutely he finished off the water, threw the bottle away, and began preparing for bed. She was the biggest hearted person you've ever met. The voice inside him said. She saw you at your worst, at the lowest points in your life, and still she accepted you as a true friend and confident. Putting on the boxers and tee he wore to sleep in, Daniel scowled and replied to himself. Yes, as a friend. That's all it was. Undeterred the little voice continued. But it could have been more…

Daniel pulled his covers up over him and turned on his side, firmly closing his eyes and ready for a deep dreamless sleep. But such repose was not to be.

It seemed scarcely had he closed his eyes then an image of Janet appeared. Not the Janet he had seen today, healthy and vibrant despite the imminent peril to her reality, but the cold, dead form of Janet Frasier who had died while on a mission of mercy. No. He pushed the memory away and tried to focus on a happy one. The look on Sha're's face the first time I tried to weave- No! But it was too late; a fresh wave of pain arose in Daniel. His eyes flew open and he sat up. It was five years since she had been killed, and nearly nine since he had first lost her, yet the pain was still there. Time heals all wounds my ass. He lay back down on his back and tried to think of nothing at all. Breathing deep and practicing the meditation techniques Teal'c had taught him seemed to help a bit, but the thought of Teal'c only led to more memories of his time with the Stargate. Most of the happiest times in Daniel's life had been shared with his teammates on SG-1, but tonight all the specters of the past seemed bound to torment Daniel. The faces of those lost in the line of duty passed before him. He saw himself holding the charred form of Vala in his arms after she had been burned alive before him. Images of Jack, Sam and Teal'c lying injured, ill, and near death in the infirmary came to his minds eye. He recalled the pale face of Cameron Mitchell as he forced himself to relive the memory of killing innocent people.

Why do you do it? The little voice asked. You've suffered so much. Why go back every day to the SGC? It's different now. Jack's not there any more, the Goa'uld are defeated, and Sha're is lost forever. You can't go to Atlantis now. What is there left for you to do? Daniel tossed and turned in his bed, and tried to reason with himself. Because of my actions the Orii know about our galaxy! It's my responsibility to at least try and find a way to eliminate that threat! And besides, there is always more to learn, who knows what else is out there? Daniel buried his face in his pillow. His argument was weak and he knew it. Vala was right. It's human nature to be curious; it's not your fault. Let someone else find the solution. You've only saved the world now, what, 9 times? Isn't it time you took a break? "No!" Daniel's muffled voice exclaimed. "No! Leave me alone, let me sleep! I don't need this!"

The insidious voice took a different tact. Leave you alone? Perhaps that is what you need, isn't it. After all, you don't seem to be doing much good for SG-1. Maybe it would be better for everyone if you just stayed out of the way, alone in your office with all your little scraps of paper and broken stones. Sam and Cameron seem to have things well under control, and after all, your little expedition to another galaxy did result in the greatest threat mankind has ever faced. Being alone is all you've ever known, isn't it. Sure you had some good times with Sam, Jack, and Teal'c, but they all go away, eventually. Jack's gone; Sam and Teal'c have other responsibilities now. They're back for the moment, yes, but how long do you think they'll stick around? Everyone you've ever loved has gone away…

Daniel sat bolt upright in bed. He held his aching head in his hands and moaned quietly. He groped with one hand for the aspirin he'd put on the bedside table and tossed them down with a drink of water from the nearby glass. This had been a relatively tame day at the SGC! Why was he so…out of it? No one had actively tried to kill him, and he hadn't even gotten roughed up like Mitchell had! Why are you tormenting me? He asked of the voice in his head. It didn't respond to the demand, but the whispering continued. You've always been alone, even when there are people around. No one really understands you… "No, you're wrong." Unconscious of the fact that he was speaking aloud to an empty room, Daniel got up and reached for the phone.