He was a soldier, he was a fighter, he was a warrior.
It was his vocation.
But above all, he was a savior.
He had saved Teyla.
He had saved Jenifer.
He had saved Ronon.
He had saved Carson, or, at least, an identical copy of Carson.
He hadn't saved Ford, and he couldn't save Sumner, but at least he knew he tried his best.
And it hurt and it frightened him to know that the only person he had barely tried to save was the one person who meant more to him than his job, more than his life and soul, more than Atlantis and everyone else in it.
The one he owed everything to…
She trusted him when no one else would, the day she asked him to join the expedition. Months later, after he disobeyed her, she asked him to trust her. And he promised himself he would.
But he didn't.
She had pleaded with O'Neil, Woolsey and Ellis to stop the first strike on the replicator ships, but he didn't. He went with them, despite the disappointed look in her eyes, because he thought it was the best course of action to take. And he was wrong. Again. They all were. But she was the one to pay the price.
He shut his eyes tightly as the memories of her lying motionless on that cursed infirmary bed, surrounded by tubes, flooded him and he wondered if it would have made a difference if he had been on her side.
"You have to trust me." And from that moment on he knew he would, no matter what his instincts told him. He'll only do what she would want him to do.
How badly he wanted to screw the city, sit there and just hold he hand and talk to her the way he did when she was infected with nanites, but Atlantis meant everything to her.
How badly he wanted to screw the dangers and let Rodney and Keller save her, but she wouldn't want them risking the city, not even for her.
How badly he wanted to screw her orders, turn back and get their fucking hands off her, but she wanted him to leave her and take the ZPM back.
How badly he wanted to screw the IOA and go save her all by himself, but he knew he'd only have one shot at it, if any, and he needed all the help he could get.
How badly he wanted to screw Carter and go back for her anyway, but her words were a mirror image of what Elizabeth had told them when they first got on Atlantis and he knew she would have agreedWhen he thought they finally had a chance, he found out it was too late.
And how badly he wanted to screw it all, and go back to Asuris to show them all that manufactured ruthless killers were nothing compared to the darkness the mental images of her lifeless body awoke in him, but the last thing she did was to save his life, so she must have wanted him to live.
And he did live, because he couldn't deny her last wish.
But he never felt alive again, haunted by what ifs and memories of her smile her soft voice and the warmth she seemed to emanate.
Though he knew that he had screwed up bad and lost her for good this time, there was a part of him that still prayed to God or the ancients would break the rules of nature and bring her back to him.
And maybe then he'll be able to truly smile again.