I was convinced that no one in the world knew her as well as I did. Therefore by saying that I was also convinced that no one in the world cared about her as much as me. Man, how she can make me hate myself.
If I stay in this one spot maybe she will notice my lack of movement and look my way. On the other hand I could accidentally collide with her to make her look at me. No, that will show her that I miss her, I can't let her know I have any feelings for her at all. How can she make me feel this weak? Its stupid. I try and direct my attention to another girl walking by, making sure to notice every little piece of her. It was an empty attempt.
She laughs a laugh that only I could tell was fake. As I said before I know her the best. Or should I say knew. I could never tell her. She would never know, that line will never be crossed by me. And even though she isn't mine, I would have nothing if I couldn't see her.
Its time for our next class. It took all my breath to walk past her, trying hard not to look or touch her. I think it's getting better, she hasn't caught me looking at her in over four weeks. She kind of stumbles on her words as I walk by, and then quietly carries on her conversation. I wish I was perfect for her, I wish every little piece of mine would fit exactly with hers. But I know that can never happen. Fact is, I would still do what ever she wants.
The new kid comes to sit next to her. Jealousy rips thought me like a snake striking for its prey. He could sit next to her and know one would care, but if I was sitting there, everyone would explode with questions. I imaged that I was sitting next to her. She would shy away like I was a hideous monster. That thought made my insides churn. Why did she hate me so? She turns around and she looks right at me, her face screws up and then goes back to normal. So fast that if I had blinked, I would have missed it. But before she can read my face, I look away. Blood rushes to my face as I realize the reason she had turned to look was because someone was telling me to move so they could get by. I play it like I'm ignoring him. Hoping that no one would notice, expect her. For she always notices my mistakes, or at least it feels that way.
I wish I could know what she was thinking, probably of the problem on the board. When I give my answer she corrects me like I'm an idiot. She does realize how horrible that makes me feel, right? And what's worse is she loves every one but me, in fact I am almost sure she hates me. What other reason is there? She doesn't love me with her unconditional love, and yes I see the irony for she is the only one I do.
Why her, why this? I'd rather anyone else, just not her. The one that I can't have, not that I could have anyone else. But her? Two totally different people, and yet I can tell you what she will do almost to a 'T'. Damn it, I'm going to have this forever. This feeling of horror. Not ever knowing what is next. But the dark isn't as bad when you have a light to follow. I can't even image a world that her and I could exist. How cliché, how true. Now suddenly I'm desperate to change. I'm demanding truth from someone. This feeling was not planned, not that it could have been.
But now suddenly this one thing is my life. And this one thing is you.