My first fanfiction. If it's terrible, please don't hate too bad? Mehh, I can't tell you what to do

I disclaim Kingdom Hearts?

My Roxas,

Why did you... what have I done...?

It's truly crazy how fast it takes for all of this regret to pour out of me. I don't think i've ever been this scared before. I don't think I've ever felt you so far away. I didn't want you gone, you know? I didn't really want you to leave... I am so sorry.

I should have known.

You have left me, me, in a state of unforgiving hatred of myself. Only now have I realized what I am. I'm an uncontrollable monster. I act before I think. Heh... it's kind of funny how it takes something like this for me to realize that. All of the times I shouted at you, hit you, broke you... all of those times were nothing but moments to me. I never dwelled on them. I never thought that maybe you did dwell on them. So, why did you stay with me? Why did you let me hurt you? I am so, so sorry.

What can I do to fix what I've done?

You used to laugh when I got mad at stupid things like video games or dumb-ass people in dumb-ass movies. You used to tell me my short temper was cute. Cute? I used to call you stupid for thinking that and even now, I don't regret that. Except... before I thought you were stupid in the head, but now... I think you were just stupid for noticing my temper and not... leaving. Why didn't you leave? Why did you let this happen? No... I let this happen. I am so, so very sorry.

I wish you were never unlucky enough to have met me.

Remember when we were kids, and you thought I was half dog for how much energy I used to have and I thought you were half owl for how much you talked? I would laugh and say we couldn't be those animals because dogs kill owls and I would never hurt you. Funny how wrong I was. I can't even tell you how sorry I am.

I didn't mean it.

Look, when I told you that you were the worst thing in my life... I didn't mean it. You were the best thing in my life. And now, because of me , you'll never be in my life again. What I would give to hear you laugh again. Not that scared laugh that used to escape your lips when I hit you, but your laugh. The laugh that used to make me laugh too. I burned the happiness from your soul. I killed that laugh. And I am so sorry.

Please forgive me.

If I had known you would go to this extent. If I had just opened my fucking eyes and seen how much I damaged you, I would have never said anything to hurt you. No, scratch that, I would have never let that smile fade. I would have dressed as a goddamn bunny and danced for you if that's what it took to make you happy. You liked bunnies, right? Fuck, I don't know. I never took the time to find out what you liked. It was always me... I'm SO sorry.

How am I supposed to go on?

I destroyed all of the things that used to mean more to me than you. My cellphone is somewhere stuck in the filter of the pool. Our pool. Remember that stupid car I bought myself on your birthday? I gave it to that old lady you used to love. Remember Ms. White? I used to hate her because you talked to her more than you talked to me. Now I realize you only did that because I never let you talk to me. That lady treated you better than your own boyfriend did. I know she asked you about me. I know she asked you if I beat you. Why did you say no? She could've helped you... I'm sorry...

I wish I could do it differently.

There was a world in your eyes. Your skin was the sweetest porceline. Your voice was my lullaby. As much as I never said it, you were my everything, Roxas! And now... now my everything is buried six feet underground. You're so far from my reach... I... I'll never be able to hold you in my arms and tell you everything will be okay. I'm so SORRY.

Maybe I should join you...

There's nothing left for me in this world. All the "friends" I have? They can never replace you. Poker night won't be the same without you on the couch cheering me on... All the girls I used to bring home and... betray you with right in front of your god damn eyes, they'll never warm my bed the way you did. Notice how whenever I was mad, I never made you sleep on the couch or shit like that? I think it's because I was -no, am- addicted to you, Roxas. Nobody deserves to be hurt the way I hurt you. I don't deserve to be here when you aren't. I would've followed you wherever your little feet wanted to go. In fact, maybe I'll still follow you now. Yup, you hear that, Roxy? You have me wrapped around your fingers. I'm sorry...

It was all me.

I screwed up. So much. But no more. I don't want to live in a world without your beauty. When I... when I first heard that you had taken your- taken your life, I was angry. I was angry at you for doing that to me. I was angry at the world for letting you do that to me. This home is a prison without you. So I'm moving out. If I come to where you are...will you forgive me?

Don't forgive me,Roxas .

If I take this rope... and I use it as a bridge to you, will you let me in?

I don't deserve to see you.

If I hug you and tell you that I love you, will you believe me?

Don't believe me.

It doesn't matter... if I see you or not.

I just want you to know.

I just want you to know.

That I love you, Roxas. And I'm sorry.

So, I'm on my way to you, and I pray to whatever deity there may be that you don't forgive me.

Thankyou so much for reading! Please review! Even if you hated it, I just want to know how it came out. I don't have any beta or anything so tell me if there's anything terrible that you noticed. Till next time!