A/N: Title and lyrics come from Gary Moore's 'If You Be My Baby'.
If You Be My Baby
Regina groaned at the bleating ring coming from her bedside cabinet. Twisting around beneath her duvet, she pried her eyes open, only to shut them almost immediately afterwards as the bright light from her cell phone attempted to blind her poor eyes. With another groan, she grabbed her phone and just about managed to press the call button with her eyes still shut, falling back onto her mattress. Whoever was on the other end of the line, she hoped, was someone who had a great career - which could easily rip from under them.
"Hello?" she practically barked into the receiver. She considered whoever was calling lucky that her voice was still laden with sleep, and her tone not as harsh as she had intended.
"You know… you're a real bitch…" came the hazy response.
Regina's eyes flew open, frown furrowing her brow. The voice on the other end of the line was instantly recognisable, and the owner of which was quite obviously under the heavy influence of alcohol.
"Excuse me?" Regina croaked, clearing her throat and sighing. Her sleep had been interrupted for nothing.
"I said…" the intoxicated sheriff tried, "I said you're a bitch, a really real bitch!"
Rolling her eyes, Regina ground between her teeth, "Sheriff Swan, I do hope you haven't called me at this hour," she wasn't even aware what time it was, "just to give me your oh so highly valued opinion of myself."
She heard a sigh and what almost sounded like a whine on the other end of the line, and frowned, ready to hang up and discharge Emma in the morning for… well, she was sure to think of a reason by then.
"Why are you so fucking stuck up?" Emma cried, words punctuated with irritation and dripping in her drunken haze. "You're not even all that great, Ruh-gee-nah!"
Regina's thumb hovered over the 'decline' button, about to put the phone down, but Emma's next words halted her movement. "I mean, you're pretty hot, I'll give you that, but otherwise you're just… you're just a bitch. A big bitch. The biggest, and I've lived with bitches before, okay? I was raised for, like, a year by the Miss-fucking-Hannigan of all bitches…"
Frowning, Regina blinked and tried to process what Emma had just told her. Had it been her sleep-clouded mind that had misheard her calling her 'hot'? Before she had a chance to inquire or further investigate, however, the voice on the other end of the line was rattling off again.
"I think you just like to see other people miserable, that's it, isn't it? You feed off their misery like a leech. Like a freaking vampire leech."
Blinking slowly, Regina finally said, "Ms. Swan, that's quite enough. I think you need to go to bed."
"You wanna get in my bed?" Emma's obnoxious voice cried through the receiver, and Regina inwardly groaned at the misunderstanding, but Emma was speaking again and she sounded greatly annoyed. "My god, why do you do that?" she seethed. "Even if you were- were the last person on Earth, I would not let you into my bed."
Emma sounded so indignant Regina almost had to repress a smirk.
"Even with your little skirts," Emma continued to ramble, "and those stupid shirts you shouldn't even be wearing, with your stupid legs and…a-and your…" Emma trailed off and a peculiar noise of irritation carried through to Regina. She frowned, wondering just where Emma was going with this. She was well aware she should have put the phone down minutes ago, but intrigue held her in place, her cell pressed against her ear.
"Even then," Emma managed to save, "I wouldn't let you in my bed."
Smirking now, Regina said, almost coyly, "Ms. Swan…anyone would think there was something you were trying to tell me."
"What?" Emma asked dumbly. "No. Because… no."
"Really, sheriff?" And was she lowering her voice into a husky murmur on purpose, or was she just tired? "Because I'd love to hear just how bad you don't want me in your bed right now." Regina couldn't help herself. Emma sounded way out of it, she reasoned, she'd probably never even remember. And if she did, well… it would certainly make things interesting.
"Uh… what?" Emma asked, her breathing easily heard through the receiver. "What did you just say?"
"Pray tell, Emma, why have you really called me at…" Regina removed the receiver from her ear and blinked furiously as she fought to read the time through the bright light, "two twenty in the morning?" Her tone significantly hardened as she relayed the time, but a greater part of her than she would care to admit was anticipating a reply.
"To tell you to stop…just stop being a douche," Emma mumbled. From the muffled rubbing noise that blanketed her frustrated sigh, Regina suspected she was rubbing the phone against her head. When she had apparently returned to the phone, Emma asked, "Why are you even…what are you doing?"
Regina blinked. "I was sleeping, Ms. Swan, as many people make a habit of doing at such a late hour." She sighed and rubbed her tired eyes. As interesting as this was, she was still exhausted.
A sudden snort of laughter startled Regina, and she did not expect Emma's sudden burst of, "You know what? I'm coming over."
"You most certainly are not."
"No, no, it'll be cool, I'll bring a ball and a glove - I really wanted to teach Henry how to catch," Emma rambled. "I mean, you don't look like the baseball type - do you even, like, know what it is? - I'd have to teach him. He needs to learn."
"Emma," Regina growled, hearing shuffling on the other end of the line as Emma moved around. "Sit yourself down this instant. You are not coming over to my home at this hour."
Her eyes were wide as she tried to make sense of the shuffling on the other end of the line, and when Emma failed to respond, she almost shouted, but controlled her volume for her sleeping son's sake, "Emma Swan, you had better listen to me - I swear to god, if you get in that death trap of a car of yours you will lose your position as sheriff. If you turn up anywhere near my house, I will not be held responsible for my actions."
Emma's laughter was heard down the phone, clear and loud, and Regina had to sit up in bed as her frustration caused her back and shoulders to tense. "Relax, I'm coming, I'm coming - hey, do you want me to bring anything?" she asked, to which Regina released a fuming breath from her nostrils. "I have… what do I have?" The sound of a falling object sounded over the line, followed by Emma's snorted laughter. "Whoops," she laughed, "I have…honey! I have honey!"
"Emma," Regina tried, sick of this now. She wanted to be able to go to sleep without having to worry about Emma Swan climbing in through her window - or whatever other ludicrous entrance she would opt for.
"Wha-?" Emma gurgled, mouth clearly full, most likely with honey. Regina had to control her gag reflex.
"Ms. Swan, you will not be leaving your apartment until morning - or, more likely, late afternoon. Am I understood?" Regina asked, considering calling someone - Sidney would do - to keep an eye on Emma for the night and make sure that, if she left her apartment block, she was safely escorted back inside.
"You know what your problem is, Miss. Priss?" Emma asked, mouth clearer than before. "You don't know how to have fun."
"I am not having this conversation with you," Regina sighed angrily, leaning back against her headboard.
"No, I think you are," Emma stated, then giggled. "You need to loosen up a bit."
Shaking her head, Regina couldn't stop herself from asking, "Oh, and you'd be willing to show me how?" Her tone was sarcastic but she could not ignore the roll of desire that seeped deep between her legs.
"You so want me," came Emma's response, and Regina had to roll her eyes, able to practically hear the smirk in her words.
"No, sheriff," she sighed, "I so want you to go to sleep, so that I don't have to worry about you turning up on my doorstep within the next few hours."
"Priss," Emma snorted. "I think I'm just what you need."
Regina almost guffawed at the idea. "Oh, really?" she asked, words dripping in sarcasm. She tried to overrule the part of her that pressed her cell phone further into her ear.
"Mhm," Emma's voice sounded smug, "you need someone to help you let go…"
Swallowing, Regina ignored the way her heart suddenly began to pick up in pace, and asked, "And just how might you do that?" Her voice was far away, even to her own ears, and she nipped at the flesh on the inside of her lips, wondering just what she was doing.
"Is, er, this gonna turn into phone sex?" Emma's voice drawled over the receiver, and despite its crass, sleep was suddenly the last thing from Regina's mind. "'Cause as much as I would - and…I totally would - I don't think… I don't think I'm in the right…frame of mind." Emma laughed suddenly, a deep rumble of laughter that sounded to emanate from her gut, and the noise lasted longer than the situation deemed appropriate.
Regina sighed again, frowning into the darkness of her bedroom as the laughter finally died down. She couldn't help but ask herself why she had not yet put the phone down and found her way back to sleep, but a little voice at the back of her mind struggled to argue that it was to make sure that Emma would not be visiting her in the early hours of the morning.
Suppressing a yawn, Regina said, "I'm hanging up, Ms. Swan, and I would recommend you go to sleep."
"Aw, don't be such a bore!" Regina frowned at Emma's outcry. "Just stay up and talk to me, I'm all alone," she wailed.
Before Emma could burst into song, Regina could not help but ask, out of her own curiosity as well as wanting to cease the singing before she re-enacted the entire scene from Shrek, "I would have thought your roommate," she made it sound like an insult, "would have been home?"
"Mary Margaret?" Emma asked, then continued to drawl, "Nah, Maggie's out…she left me. She's such a, what do you call it…?" A brief pause, the phone line rang with static energy. "A dark horse! You know? I mean, you take one look at her and think 'yeah, you're gon' be a crazy cat lady when you're older', but I mean…"
Emma's voice turned into an over-exaggerated whisper. "She doesn't exactly spend her nights playing scrabble, if you know what I mean…"
"And… with whom is she not just playing scrabble?" Regina found herself asking, a frown marring her brow as she wondered whether or not David had strayed from his wife…again.
"Mary-Maydoll don't kiss an' tell." Emma's tone was almost indignant, if not slightly disappointed. "I bet it's Dr. Whale! God, he's such a fuckin' creep…" And she burst into laughter once more.
Sighing, having had enough of their conversation, Regina stated again, "I really am going, Ms. Swan."
"Oh really?" She did not like how sure of herself Emma sounded, and very nearly put the phone down right there…in fact, she furiously questioned herself when she refrained from doing so. "I think you like talkin' to me," Emma continued, "you just…you just won't admit it. 'Cause you think you're better than me." She let out a mock sigh, even in her drunken haze.
"I am better than you, Ms. Swan," Regina told her without hesitation. Emma snorted once more into the receiver.
"Why's that?" she asked.
"I'm not the one drinking alone on a weekday," Regina informed her quietly. "Now, can I be sure that you're not going to appear at my front door any time soon?"
"Aw," Emma whined, "you don't want to see me?"
"Sheriff."
"Fine, Priss, keep your panties on… or, rather…" She burst into laughter at her own joke, and managed to choke out, "Hey, Regina, I still have my honey… you know what I wanna do with it?"
Frowning, battling between swiftly putting the phone down or pressing the receiver further into her ear, Regina barely had a chance to purse her lips before Emma was answering her own question.
"I wanna spread it all over your-"
"Ms. Swan."
Regina couldn't help herself. Her heart was beating erratically and her thighs clenched around a wanton throb. She had to remind herself just how intoxicated Emma was, and just how much she would not remember their phone call in the morning - or, as previously established, late afternoon.
"Too ina-inappropriate?" Emma asked on a laugh. "You know you want me to lick honey from your-"
"Emma!" Regina cried, suddenly reigning in her voice in the fear that she might disturb Henry. She continued in a quieter, yet just as seething, tone, "This conversation is over. I am putting down the phone." But Emma barely seemed to be listening to her, instead humming - rather out of tune - an unfamiliar song.
"Na-na-na-naow-naooow, na-na-na-naooow!" Emma screeched down the phone, perhaps imitating a guitar, and then belted out, "If you be my baby, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll give you so much lovin', you gotta love me, too!"
With a sigh, Regina rubbed her eyes and, ignoring her body's dull ache, told Emma, "I'm hanging up."
When she realised Emma probably hadn't heard her, and was continuing to sing to the ridiculous song she could not put a name to, Regina did just that. She stared down, incredulously, at the little device in her hands. Had that really just happened?
Her frown remained, though whether because of the peculiar phone call or her sudden plunge into sexual frustration, Regina couldn't determine. She dropped her cell phone back on her bedside cabinet and threw herself down onto her pillow, wrapping an arm beneath it and pulling it into her head. As she found herself slowly seeping into a light sleep, Regina could not fathom the sudden want to hear her mobile device buzzing once again…