Why hello there, I missed you guys. So this is just a little ditty that popped into my head that needed to be set free. For those who read That Doesn't Happen in Real Life, Chapter 19 is with the Wonder Twin for pre read so it should be posted soon. Hope you enjoy!

p.s. I don't own TVD-sadly

Trying Not to Drown

Dear Diary,

Drowning, that's what it feels like I suppose-without the water of course. Drowning, in a whirlpool of emotions. Raw, unbridled emotions that are being cloaked, bubbling just beneath the calm, sometimes wavy water that is the me I present to the world. They threaten to wrap themselves around me in one swift motion, sucking the breath and life out of my body pulling me deeper and deeper into nothing.

Pain cutting me like a knife, knowing that I am hurting the ones I love with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart. Leaving behind wounds that no one else can see. Pain in knowing, this is not person I want to be but realizing it's too late because this is who I am. Pain in remembering the deep wounds and scars that have been inflicted upon me. Pain I inflict on myself for fighting; fighting the urge to just give up, to give in.

Love for the brother I shouldn't, slowly clawing its way into my heart, into my soul, threatening to consume me. Love, that will leave me vulnerable, naked, and ripe for the taking. Love marred by pain, longing, and guilt. Love that I so desperately want to have for the brother it should belong to but was stolen by the other. Love I crave but will never receive. Love that was had but then lost. Love that was painfully taken back, locked away never to be given again for fear of the destruction it will cause if rejected a second time.

Guilt for the love not asked for. Guilt over actions taken and for ones not. Guilt over the abandonment that was never meant. Guilt over the pain being caused, just by being. Guilt for the road not traveled, yet guilt from the road taken. Guilt that grabs your heart, trying to make the beating stop.

Lust that consumes; licking at my body, at my mind, setting me on fire. Lust that invades every waking thought at times and in every unconscious thought the rest. Lust laced with love and guilt making for conflicted bedfellows.

Anger plotting to overtake my soul, engulfing it in permanent darkness for what has been, for what has not, for what was been taken, and for what's to come. Anger so strong that it is constantly hovering on the edge, waiting for its moment to spill over, unleashing a wrath that will burn everything to the ground. Only to have a sea of red wash away the ash and the rubble.

Longing for a happiness that has never been seen and waiting to be felt. One I know I don't deserve. Longing to turn back time, changing the course. Longing for the day when life becomes what we had hoped it to be. Longing for the numbness, for the release I beg to give myself, taking all of this away. But what would become of me if I turned it all off?

Sadness that weighs me down but feels like second skin. Sadness for the pain, the loss, the love taken, the love given, and the love never there. Sadness, so all-encompassing, knowing that no matter what happens, pain will come.

Joy, all be it small, found in different places. Joy, for the ray of sunshine slicing through the clouds. Joy, in knowing your reason for being; the reason you hold on so tightly, fighting to keep afloat. Joy in the cosmic bond that made you feel a little less alone and being understood without words. Joy for the friendship and acceptance bestowed to few; one that will stand the test of time which nothing can break. Joy for the laughter that feels like a breath of air amongst the suffocation.

Fear all-encompassing, embedded in every fiber of my body. Warning me of the end that will surely come. Fear of what will be left, if anything at all.

This is what goes on beneath the surface as I navigate day by day. Emotions whirling around me, licking my skin, clawing at my heart. Me trying desperately not drown.

*A/N

Please review, I love to hear your thoughts.

pssst... Did you catch the WT nod JRDurham?

XOZO

HB