Qrow guzzled down another bottle of milk, in yet another attempt to rid his head of the Invincible Girl. Ever since he had witnessed her win the Vytal Festival Tournament, he had been filled with an intense desire to be her friend and touch her platonically in a way that makes her and her parents feel comfortable and that Sonic would approve of. Knowing that his nieces would be weirded out over one of their friends hanging out with an older dude like himself, Qrow tried his hardest to purge his mind of Pyrrha, yet the more he struggled, the more his thoughts would be ensnared by the spartan soldier.
The sweet intoxication of his milk only brought brief respite, but as soon as that wore off, the high calcium content would further loosen the already unraveling controls he had been applying internally since he had met Pyrrha, and as his mind swirled with daydreams of showing of his massive sword to the girl, he decided to act before his feelings overwhelmed him and sent him to the Shadow Realm.
"Well darn." Qrow totally cussed like a bad man with a sad backstory.
Qrow transformed into a crow as easily as if he was a guy named Qrockodile and could turn into a crocodile. He flew into the hallway of teams RWBY and JNPR to see his particularly special person.
A bizarre sight greeted him. Both teams, as well as an anthromorphic blue hedgehog and a few other bizarre characters that did not appear to be of the world of Remnant, were being lead by Ozpin, bound together in a chorus and singing the national anthem of some sort of "United States" that Qrow had never heard of. The grizzled veteran shrugged it off and waited for them to finish, as his mother had taught him good manners and he is supposed to be a good example and trustworthy adult figure. Soon enough, they stopped singing, and the weird creatures ran away, the blue one exiting particularly quickly.
"Hey young lady", Qrow started his greeting at the redheaded huntress who is not his niece, "is your semblance magnetism because I'm attracted to your personality and I also find you are pretty."
"Qrow said that because magnets are known for attracting other magnetic materials, based on the polarity of the objects." Ozpin educated rather pointlessly to a group of children who had materialized, some of which appeared to have artificially whitened skin.
"THAT'S MY UNCLE!" Ruby screeched horribly before said uncle gave her a cookie so that she would not disturb the delightful conversation he was about to have with his crush.
While all of Pyrrha's friends were distracted by Blake bleeding out of all four ears and convulsing from her team leader's brief cacophony, Qrow leaned in close to Pyrrha's face but not close enough to raise the content rating of this story to PG.
"Hug, hug, fall in love!" Qrow sang internally as he did his best impression of a blond, princely and handsome yet idiotic rich boy who leads a club for organizing playdates for girls.
Qrow was so good at it that the air around him got tinted pink and his face began to sparkle. Pyrrha blushed intensely and collapsed, her heart pounded away rapidly and she felt the tender heat of the older grown-up's gaze, as if she had been struck by an arrow and disintegrated. Qrow's channeling of his inner bishounen intensified and rose petals swirled around the soon to be couple.
The rose petals disappeared with Ruby as she stopped using her semblance to blitz around like a maniac and settled on Weiss, as if White Rose wasn't a garbage barge or Titanic of a ship. Qrow tagged them both with a bizarre dart gun contraption that resembled an old telephone, because Weiss deserves no happiness. Penny, who Pyrrha had accidentally knocked out due to Emerald's shenanigans, stored their limp forms safely in the local dumpster.
The cool uncle dude took Pyrrha into the dorm of team JNPR and locked the door. They both performed their own magical girl transformations, which involved their clothes coming off, them doing weird poses, and then them getting into bed.
"Oh Qrow, say it again." Pyrrha begged in a passionate voice.
"Hello, it is I, Edward Elric." Vic Mignogna replied, with miniature bedrooms contained in his eyes.
Pyrrha immediately got soaking wet. The sprinkler system had malfunctioned.
Qrow and Pyrrha did some friendly, yet very intensive sparring in her bed. He started by unsheathing his sword, which Pyrrha grabbed with her bare hands, and rubbed so that it would not cut her. Qrow was able to feel the friction, and tried very hard to not discharge the gun, or his sword would shift back into the more limp scythe.
Next, after they grappled and changed positions, the huntsman thrust his sword into Pyrrha, and successfully broke through her shield's defense, spattering a bit of ketchup in the area as it was the first time this had happened to the Mistralian. Encouraged, Qrow repeated this action with increasing speed, going harder, better, faster, and stronger until he shot his milk into his opponents bowl of Pumpkin Pete's cereal.
"That was amazing, Daddy, I'm so satisfied." Pyrrha panted heavily before the commercial break.
"Hi so satisfied, I'm Daddy." Qrow replied.
And that is why Pyrrha will not be appearing in volume 4.
To not be continued