Mario Bros: A Tale of Crime and Brutality in the Streets and Sewers of Mushroom Kingdom
Mario stroked the nine millimeter he had come to call his most trusted companion. Sure, he had men with AK-47s and revolvers at his command, but his gun was reliable, personal even. It never squealed to the fuzz or botched a job. And as the leader, the godfather, of the largest gang in Mushroom Kingdom, Mario had learned to value these qualities.
A knock at the door pulled him out of his thoughts. In walked Yoshi, Mario's right hand man. Yoshi was a bright green cheerful dinosaur who was quick to smile and even quicker to stick a knife in your gut. Mario had watched over Yoshi since he was just a hatchling and trained him to become his most loyal and deadly follower.
Yoshi was in charge of the new recruits, the Koopas and Goombas who thought they could live it up while being a gangster. Very few ended up staying long enough to see the right side of a gun.
"Bad news boss," Yoshi began. "Goombario's dead. Four bullets to the head. Some of our guys found his body on the edge of Donut Plains."
Damn, Mario thought as he leaned back in his chair. His guys had been dropping off like flies recently. That could only mean one thing. Bowser, so called "King of the Koopas". His gang was constantly fighting with the Mario Bros over turf, guns and money.
Bowser had his own personal castle located far north of Mushroom Kingdom, but he had several subordinates that operated in and around Mushroom Kingdom's cities. Bowser's minions included Chain Chomps, Piranha Plants, Boos, Koopas, Goombas, the occasional Shy Guy, and a host of other thieves, murderers and hired guns at his disposal.
Worst of all were the Magikoopas. There had been many a time Mario had plugged a few rounds in the robed, bespectacled monsters, only to see them disappear, and turn around just in time to dodge a colorful assortment of deadly shapes whirling at his head. The rare occasion one of the damned things was killed, its body would vanish in a puff of smoke.
Mario had men on his side too, Toads, Yoshis, Koopas, Goombas, Shy Guys, Bomb-Ombs; but Bowser always seemed to outnumber him 10 to 1.
And lately the situation was getting tense. More suspicious looking characters than ever could be seen wandering the streets of Mushroom City and Toad Town at night. Some people swore that the cacti in the Dry Dry Desert were moving. Mario heard strange things coming out of Donut Plains and the caves. Disappearances, strange looking creatures. This city and kingdom was getting out of Mario's control.
"Tell the guys to lay low for a while," Mario said, "Tell them we got something in the works to pay Bowser back big time."
Yoshi nodded curtly, turning to leave.
"Do we have something boss?" Yoshi added with all the subtlety of a green dinosaur wearing bright red shoes.
"I just might have something that could change our luck", Mario said, leaving back in his Italian leather chair.
And Mario did have a seed of an idea beginning to sprout in his head, like a particularly nasty Piranha Plant. This newly germinating idea depended on finding out where his slimy rat of a brother was at. Luigi is a man with all the mystery of a Shy Guy, the cunning of a Boo, and the freakish surprise of a Monty Mole.
Mario and Luigi had been through everything together, but there was always a bit of the unknown about Luigi. Who was this guy? Luigi had dozens of contacts, but none of them knew him. Mario, his own brother, only knew enough to say that Luigi's jump was a bit higher and preferred green to red.
Luigi had always been content to stay in Mario's shadow, but he came and went as he pleased. Mario felt like Luigi had the utmost loyalty to the Mario Bros. But then again, Luigi was a professional conman. He was slick. A little too slick.
At all times Luigi carried a pistol with a silencer. That was nothing special in Mario's world. The way Luigi handled it though, that was very special indeed. Luigi had no qualms about ending a conversation with a swift bullet to the head. He didn't say much and never said what he truly thought. Some people said he was a genius. Others said he was crazy. Either way, people tended to stay on his good side.
Luigi was last rumored to be wandering around The Forest of Illusion. Only God knows what he was doing in there. He would be back soon though. He somehow always knew when he was needed for a job. Luigi would probably know how to flesh out Mario's plan.
Meanwhile, Mario had plenty of things to do while waiting for Luigi. Namely, the foul temptress who had been haunting his dreams. Princess Peach. Mario always wanted what he couldn't have. Princess Peach was a prime example. They had had very limited contact. After all, he was a crime lord and she was a candy coated princess living in a ridiculously large castle with an army of servants and her creepy pedophilic advisor of a toad.
Princess Peach was something of an enigma. She left the castle often enough, but was never seen anywhere in Mushroom Kingdom. No one knew what exactly she did. Perhaps that explained Mario's deliciously unhealthy obsession with the cotton candy glob of a princess. He wanted to know if she really was the sweet naïve princess everyone thought, or if she had a dark side.
Mario had the castle staked out to find out her comings and goings, and thought now was the perfect time to start laying some groundwork with the seductive siren in pink.
Mario got up from his chair and threw on his battered trench coat over his ridiculously expensive suit. He had all of his suits hand stolen from only the best shops in town.
Normally Mario would be wearing his plumbers' overalls. He always remembered where he had come from. But business was business, and classing it up was necessary when representing his Bros. However, he was never seen without his hat. His trademark cap, carefully drawn over one eye. A ridiculous "M" was emblazoned on the front of the bright red cap. As if people didn't know who he was. When Mario wore it however, the effect was sobering, even disturbing in its clownish appearance. The darkened, aged blood splatter stain around the rim was a nice touch.
Mario moseyed on up to the side of the castle where the Princess' rooms happened to be, satisfied that the guards he had bribed were gleefully rubbing their coins together. It would be a unpleasant surprise for them when they found out they were fake.
Mario had on good word that the Princess liked to saunter about on her exquisitely crafted balcony before turning in for the night. And there she was, a beacon of confectionary sweetness, gazing at the stars. Or something like that.
Mario sidled out of the shadows smoothly, saying "Nice night for a stroll, isn't it?" with a self-assured smirk on his classically handsome face. With his expertly manicured moustache, mysteriously twinkling brown eyes and a strong chiseled jaw, he struck a devilishly handsome figure. Or so he had been told, anyway.
Princess Peach slowly turned to look at him, disinterested and unsurprised, it seemed.
"Perhaps if one enjoys lurking in the shadows long after his bedtime", she said, monotone.
Mario felt his smooth demeanor starting to slip ever so slightly. Time to engage in witty banter and effervescent charm.
"Or if one enjoys meeting Princesses under the, shall we say, romantic light of the stars?"
The princess then looked at him more seriously. A quick appraisal as she noted the suit, the ridiculous trench coat, and perhaps the bulge of a holster at his hip. Mario hoped she noted the expensive watch that was just counterfeited. She met his eyes and he gave her his most disarming smile.
Next thing Mario knew, he was starting down the barrel of a sleek pistol.
"I suggest that you run away as fast as you can before I shoot your knees out, pervert".
The Princess said this calmly, with a grim sort of satisfaction.
Mario barely contained his instinctual urge to whip out his own gun and plug a few rounds into every living thing in the vicinity.
"Sweetheart, really this is all just a-".
He jumped in midsentence as the Princess's warning shot landed mere inches away from his left toe. Taking aim for his skull, she simply whispered, "Run".
Mario then did what he had never done before in his life. He turned his back and ran from a prospective gunfight. Walking back through his streets Mario was not dejected. In fact, he was more intrigued by the bubblegum princess than ever. As he made his way back to the picturesque cottage his lived in at the edge of town, he was even smiling. He would win the enigmatic princess even if it killed him.