The Son in the Rain
Composed: 4/1/04
When you're desperate to show someone that you love him, sometimes you settle for less than what you know you deserve.
She loved him with her entire being—I knew that from when I was very, very young. My brother did, too. Sometimes we'd lie awake at night in our room and talk about it. There was always the looming fear that Otou-san would leave, after all. It hung over our house like a rain cloud, even though there were relatively sunny days. Adults always underestimate the understanding of children, and as much as I hate to admit it, Otou-san and Okaa-chan were no exception.
They both loved us, I know that. Days spent together were very happy despite that looming rain cloud. My brother and I longed for younger brothers to play with, and Otou-san and Okaa-chan wanted to grant our request. Okaa-chan became pregnant four times while I still lived at home, yet each time she miscarried. I never got a younger brother.
Otou-san and Okaa-chan never really married. They just started living together one day, as far as I know. I was born shortly after. My brother, who isn't truly my brother but adopted, tells me that I almost wasn't born. Otou-san and Okaa-chan never talked about that, and the one time I brought up the subject, both suddenly took on a very pained look. That was when I was five years old. I never brought up that subject again with them, but I did ask my brother. He told me that, when Otou-san and Okaa-chan made me, Otou-san was different than he was when I was born. To this day I don't know what that means, but I can only assume it was a physical disparity. I always knew my father as having black hair, as did my mom, yet my hair is a very dark shade of gray. Okaa-chan had many books about many subjects, and after reading some of them for educational purposes, I doubt that gray hair comes from two black-haired parents. Otou-san dyed his hair, perhaps?
I wish I had never left home.
I left home at 15, as was customary. Shortly after, Otou-san left. Deep down we probably all knew it would happen, but we didn't think….
I should say first that when I was around age ten, I walked in on Otou-san and Okaa-san having sex. They were quiet yet also very rough and, I'd say, animalistic. I had walked in time for the last five minutes of the act and witnessed both orgasm. Okaa-chan moaned loudly and kissed Otou-san everywhere, saying not "Oh, Inuyasha, I love you!" but "Thank you, Inuyasha. I love you." She had the biggest smile on her face, the truest smile I ever saw on her and I swelled up with pride knowing that that smile belonged to my mom. At that moment the embarrassment of having walked in on and watching them faded away.
But Otou-san only grunted a "You're welcome, Kagome." There was no "I love you too." And that's when I knew. Otou-san didn't love her back.
Okaa-chan was still smiling after his response. And that's when I realized that she knew. It became to me, then, such a moment devoid of intimacy that the embarrassment returned and I quickly left the doorway of their room.
When Otou-san left, I realized that the only reasons he had stayed were my brother and me. It might not have been apparent at first glance, but my father had a sense of pride and of duty, and he'd damn well make sure his sons were raised by him. He loved us, I know he did. He just didn't love Okaa-san.
And so, once I left home, he did too. No goodbyes. I don't know where he went, but I always wish that Okaa-chan had told him she was pregnant again. She was, really. Otou-san would have stayed longer, I'm sure. Shippou-nii-chan and I stayed loyally by her side to help her.
Okaa-chan died in childbirth.
An Explanation
I love Inuyasha, but sometimes I really do think that he values Kikyo more than Kagome, which is sad.
I based this monologue off of what I thought would happen if Inuyasha somehow accidentally transformed to his full youkai form and Kagome was the only one around at the time. I think he would indeed want to mate her and especially, speaking from dog instinct, want to impregnate her. And I don't think Kagome would stop him, especially if she were in one of her vulnerable moods after a Kikyo encounter. Continuing that scenario, I don't think Kagome would tell Inuyasha that she was pregnant after the fact. She'd probably feel guilty and keep it to herself for as long as possible.
I imagine this scenario happening at the defeat of Naraku: Inuyasha delivers the final blow to Naraku and kills him. Kagome restores the Shikon no Tama and, out of love and out of guilt, gives it to Inuyasha. Kikyo joins him and Inuyasha tells her that before they go to Hell, he wants to fulfill his 50+ year old promise to become human for her. So he wishes on the Shikon no Tama and indeed becomes human. But, the critical point is when Kikyo, who can sense the spiritual energy of Kagome's baby, slips up and mentions it to Inuyasha while giving him the characteristic hell-awaits-us speech. Hence Inuyasha and Kagome living together. Inuyasha might love Kikyo, but he's not irresponsible. That's why he stayed to raise both Shippou and his and Kagome's biological son. Once that responsibility was gone, he left for Kikyo.
When you're desperate to show someone that you love him, sometimes you settle for less than what you know you deserve.