It was dusk by the time Emma saw natural light again. The wind blew strands of hair rudely over her face as she smiled a goodbye to Officer Max.
"Thanks again for coming down Emma. We'll get to the bottom of this, you have my word".
She nodded and descended the stairs of the Lima Police Precinct, but took no comfort in his kindness.
It was a horrible story that she had come to tell them. About a student that became a victim. "Of course" she had said over the phone yesterday. Of course she would give a statement, spend a whole day detailing every bruise and tear of a teenager who had come to her for help.
As she pulled into the parking lot, she felt sick. What if she left something out? What if it wasn't enough to keep the student from more harm? What if there were more kids in trouble? Of course there were.
Will knew better than to pry this morning. He had switched off the alarm before it had a chance to scream and pulled her close. "I'll miss you today", he had said, sounding more relaxed than either of them felt.
She'd forgotten to wish him luck with Glee auditions. That was selfish. He loved her, she knew it, but she forgot to wish him luck. And sometimes had to pull herself away from him in the dead of the night and have a shower, even though she was getting better, even though he got that look of hurt in his eyes.
She took a deep breath and closed the door of the apartment behind her. This was just a moment of fleeting anxiety. It would pass. She was strong, she was charming and smart, Will always told her that over the crossword and a plunger of coffee on Sundays.
Thank God he wasn't home yet. He didn't need to see this frantic insecurity. Emma felt her face heat up.
She slid out of her skirt and slipped into Will's Air Jordan t-shirt that was even too big for him. She noticed his tattered briefcase on the floor, too broken to be functional. She had plans to surprise him with a new one, maybe even get his initials stitched in. But she hadn't. Everything was busy and too hard and people were getting hurt all the time.
In the bathroom she splashed water on her face like Dr. Shane has told her too. Dr. Shane said she was doing great, but Emma didn't believe her. She couldn't right now, not when she felt so empty and full and scared at the same time.
The nail scissors caught her eye, sitting just under the mirror. The blue metal catching the light perfectly. Will had brought them home from the grocery store last month with an announcement. "Look, they match the tiles… see I think about these things now" he had joked with mock pride catching her lips with his and dropping the grocery bag to the table where it stayed for the next week.
Something was wrong. Her thoughts mainly.
As a guidance councillor she'd never understood the beautiful girls with cuts on their wrists that stood out like diamonds, or the football player that was sent to her office for searing his own skin with a lighter.
She gave them a pamphlet and a sympathetic look and made them promise to see her again. She was concerned, so much it kept her awake at night. But she didn't understand.
But she could picture making marks on her own skin now, not big ones, but little scratches that might make the anxiety fade. After all, this was just a one off. Tomorrow she would wake up next to Will and everything would be exciting and fulfilling again.
She would just do it once.
Emma closed her eyes. She would do it once and Will would come home and she'd take his hand, make up for all the forgetting and the being nervous and they'd laugh.
He would notice. Even the slightest mark, he would notice and kiss and question and she could lie, but he'd worry and his brown would get wrinkly and his voice would get small. She didn't want that.
She gulped. Watched her reflection in the mirror. She didn't look broken.
She breathed. Thought back to the pamphlets she handed out, to the distant college classes.
Will kept markers in a draw in the living room. Will liked to write music and mark choreography that way, and Emma loved to watch him.
She coveted the packet and sat again in the bathroom where everything is easier to wash away. She thought the red marker would shake in her hand, but her mind and her movements were firm.
It was an old diversion therapy tool, and as Emma swirled lines of ink up her arms, slowly, lightly, it worked. She didn't write anything, just lines, some straight, but mostly curly. It wasn't sharp like scissors, but it was pleasant. She drew a circle around her ankle.
The door lurched open further. How could she not have heard Will's car pull up? She wouldn't berate herself for it.
"Hi" he said curiously, with a grin and a silent question, before sitting beside her again the tiled wall. It was amazing how he never hesitated in getting close to people, he was fearless. "I could have brought some construction paper from school if you need it" he quipped, brushing his fingers against her shoulder.
She smiled and a calm descended. She could share this with him.
"I had a rough day" she offered, alternating her gaze between him and the uncapped marker between her fingers.
"Okay" he murmured, pressing his arm against hers.
"I… Will, things are good. Really good, but I got home today and I was feeling low and all I wanted to do was cut myself… with scissors". It was strange to say out loud, ridiculous really, but true.
She watched the color fall out of his face.
"I hope you're joking" he choked, but they both new she wasn't.
"I didn't do it. But I wanted to, so I used the markers instead… it's written in one of my pamphlets".
"Em…" he stammered and took her hand fiercely, causing her whole body to turn towards him.
"It's okay. I don't want you to freak out-"
"Did something happen?"
"No, Will. I was stressed, that's all"
"….Sorry, I just… God, I don't want you to ever feel like that. You're amazing Em, you're perfect-"
"Will" she chastised, this was no time for romance.
"No! Listen to me" his hands shook and traced the pattern of her scribbled leg. "You're the most precious thing in my life, and when you hurt, I hurt. You can downplay how pretty, or funny or adorable you are, but you don't get to downplay this. How would you feel if it was reversed? If you found out I wanted to hurt myself?"
She focused on the checks of his vest, knowing the beauty of his body that lie underneath it, a body that she loved so much, it was part of her.
He had a point.
A tear and then another fell down her face, for the first time all day. "I'll talk to Dr. Shane about it".
And then because she didn't know what else to do, she pulled his closer until her head was resting against his chest and she could hear his heart. It was fast.
She heard his breath catch, the way it did when he sobbed and his arm wrapped around her tightly, holding on.
It felt like forever, but maybe it was twenty minutes before he spoke.
"I didn't handle that very well did I?" he spoke dryly with a hint of self-deprecation.
"You're here, that's all I needed"
"Can I come to Dr. Shane with you?"
"Okay"
"And you'll call me next time? Or come charging into Glee Practise, I don't care", he moved his body to see her face.
"Mmmm" she sighed in agreeance.
"Em?"
"Yeah?"
"Just in case you didn't know it, you're the bravest person I've ever met", she studied the earnest look on all of his features. That face was always going to captivate her, it would always make the bad days worth it, and the good days even better.