Author's Preface

Salutations! By Merlin's beard, I was so busy writing another bestseller, I swear I almost didn't see you there drifting along in the dreary shadows of life, looking for the slightest glimmer of the spotlight. But alas, not all of us have what it takes to make the world a brighter place, for it requires a special something if you will, that je ne sais quoi! But don't despair dear reader, for this is your chance to finally live vicariously through one of the world's most accomplished wizards. And not just any old haggard Auror, but a wizard of the Order of Merlin 3rd Class, an honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League, and the undefeated record holder of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award!

You might ask yourself who might this accomplished and handsome wizard be?

Why... it's none other than me- Gilderoy Lockhart!

And I hereby modestly submit my humble self for your illumination, contemplation, and companionship in a way I would never choose be bothered with in real life. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? But you might be wondering- "Why would Gilderoy Lockhart take time out of his busy and important schedule to submit his experiences for me to mull over with my glazed, droopy, and lack-luster eyeballs?"

Because, you silly Grumpkin, the thing to keep in mind, is- I do this, not for fame, or fortune, or for an exclusive private dining room at the Leaky Caldron, no, I do it for you! Because my only hope in life is that my world famous tales, thrilling adventures, and breath-taking daring-do, help lift you out of your boring, stifling, muggle-like life and inspires you to dream big, go out into the world, and make a difference... by purchasing all of my best-selling novels, and affordable guides to house-hold pests. And don't just buy them only for yourself, as that would be rather selfish, but also buy them for your friends and your family, since they make great gifts for birthdays, holidays, and even graduations. Also weddings. Oh, and don't forget anniversary's, not to mention funerals. (So I won't, as that would be rude, and more importantly, it would be in poor taste. And I don't want anyone to say Gilderoy Lockhart has poor taste, cause if you think about it, that would actually be really, really rude. Way more rude than giving one of my books as a gift at a funeral.)

P.S.

One teeny, tiny last thing- In order to protect the innocent, I may have changed the names of just a few characters, in order to guard their identity, of course, and in no way to benefit from their miserable experiences.

P.P.S.

Also, just in case anyone has the audacity to question whether the following stories are anything other that the utmost truth, I implore you to think of all the damage you would be inflicting on all the poor souls out there that would be caught up in your misguided attempt to smear my good name. I mean, talk about an Unforgivable Curse! Please, just take a moment to think of all the sad-eyed children with runny noses and second-hand wands that need a hero to look up to, and how they would be devastated, and in turn would give up on any hope of living a life of importance, and if you think about it, would probably become Death-Eaters or worse! You wouldn't want that now, would you? I didn't think so. So banish those fears and doubts that feed upon your soul like a hungry Dementor with my illuminating Patronus-like wit and charm, and may you forget all about "The Boy Who Lived" and begin your travels along with "The Man Who Has Lived it All"!

P.P.P.S.

To re-iterate, there's absolutely no need to investigate what is reported in the following tales and in fact, a much better use of your time would probably be to just go ahead and start your own Gilderoy Lockhart Fan Club! That's right, think about it... perhaps you could even be president of your own club, and win the adoration of all your friends and neighbors! Why, doesn't that make you feel better already? I know I do! Furthermore, just think of the past as being something really complicated that was broken a long time ago - Really, really broken, like a million little pieces broken, and it can't be put back together. So... without further ado, I invite you to light up the old fireplace, sit back in your favorite comfy chair, grab a steaming mug of Butter-Beer, and let my stories whisk you away like so much Floo powder, and know in your heart of hearts that everything in this book actually happened, and every word is completely true, and that none of it is made-up in the slightest.

Not even a little bit.

Sincerely yours,

Gilderoy Lockhart