Meredith stares at the six pregnancy tests lined up on her bathroom sink. So much for S and M. So much for taking things slow. She can't stop the small smile that begins to grace her mouth. She is actually excited. This is what she needed. She is going to have a baby. With Derek. Her and Derek are going to have a baby and she can start her own family. She can leave all of the bad family issues behind and start her own family with the man that she loves for than anything. Finally.
She reaches up and brushes the tears off of her cheeks. Tears of joy. She thought she would be freaking out right now. She should be. She should be freaking out but she can't help but smile at the thought of Derek resting his cheek against her swollen stomach. Her hand involuntarily goes down to her now flat abdomen. She imagines how big it will be in a few months. She can't wait. She can't wait to prove them all wrong.
She turns around and runs out of the bathroom. She needs to find him. She needs to tell him. She needs to tell him so much. That she loves him. That she's ready. That she's pregnant.
She jumps into her jeep and drives to Joe's. She heard him mentioning something to Mark about going their earlier. She parks the jeep and runs into the bar. She stops at the door and her eyes scan the bar for his familiar head of curls. She spots him. She spots him and she feels her heart stop.
Derek is sitting at a table, drinking his signature single malt scotch. But Derek isn't alone. He is sitting with a dark-haired woman. He is laughing and smiling at her. His eyes are twinkling. He looks happy. The strange woman leans in and whispers something in his ear, touching his arm lightly as she does so, and Derek doesn't move away.
What was she thinking? He is so much better off without her. She was trying. She was trying so damn hard. She told him she was trying. She tried to show him she was trying. But once again she isn't enough. She isn't enough for him.
Meredith's tear-filled eyes meet Mark's sympathetic ones and she can't take it anymore. She turns around and runs out of the bar. Away from Mark. Away from Derek. Away from her pain. She reaches her jeep and jerks the door open. She doesn't allow herself to sob. Not yet.
She drives home calmly, eerily calm. Once she places the jeep in park, her movements have almost become mechanical. She has pushed him away. He wanted more and she pushed him away and now, now she has no one. She can't do this. Not alone. It was only great if it was with him. She can't.
She walks up the numerous stairs, her steps heavy with the weight of her decision. She reaches her bedroom and pushes the door open. It doesn't even bother her that the darkness surrounds her. The lack of light in her life makes it dark all the time.
She trudges across her room and into her private bath. The pregnancy tests stare back at her. Taunting her. Laughing at her for believing that she could have happiness. Her. Meredith Grey. Yeah. Right.
She glares at the straight line of pink sticks before running her hand over the counter, flinging the tests to the ground with a resounding crash. The tears finally begin to fall as the reality of her decision sinks in. It hurts. It hurts so much to know what she is doing. But there is nothing else. Nothing else.
"Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace
This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would've guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late
She slowly walks over to the bathtub and turns on the warm water. Step one of her plan completed. There is no point in bother to get undressed. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Only when she realizes that she has lost him, does she realize that life is nothing without him. If he can walk away from her after all the wonderful things he said, then who will stay? She will always be alone. Always.
She opens the medicine cabinet and pulls out one of his razors. She can't help but laugh bitterly at the irony. She can't leave without letting him know. He has to know. She grabs a tube of lipstick and scribbles a quick note on the mirror.
Derek,
I love you always and forever.
Only yours,
Meredith
The sobs bubble up inside of her as the thoughts of leaving him behind almost make it impossible. She doesn't want to leave him behind, but he has already left her. He has left her so many times and she has continued to push him further away. He deserves to be happy. He deserves a happiness that Meredith can't give him. A happiness that she will never be able to give him.
Even if I say "It'll be alright"
Still I hear you say you want to end your life
Now and again we try to
Just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
She kicks off her shoes before walking over to the tub, the razor his razor, gripped firmly in her right hand. She places one foot in and then the other before slowly sinking into the depths of the bathtub. It seems so fitting, to do this in water. Her clothes weigh her down even further, clinging to her like a second skin.
She moves her sweater sleeves up both of her arms, exposing the thin, delicate skin on lower arm. She knows that two major arteries run down her arm. She knows that this could be very quick. Quick is good. Quick is perfect. Like a band-aid. Right?
She positions the tip of the blade just below the junction of the upper and lower arms. She wants to be effective. She doesn't want to leave any room for error. Who will find her anyways? She has no one.
She applies a small amount of pressure and the razor effectively does its work, penetrating the skin. A small droplet of blood appears at the surface, captivating, entrancing her for a moment. She finally begins to move the razor down her arm slowly, slicing through her radial artery, luckily missing the branchial. By the time she reaches the wrist, the blood has already begun to turn the warm bathwater red.
The warm water causes the blood to flow from her arteries quicker than normal. Her head begins to feel somewhat light and she leans back in the tub, not even bothering to cut her other arm. She lifts her arm out of the water momentarily, dropping the razor on the floor next to the tub with a loud clatter. Blood pools around the razor, which ironically lands in the midst of two pregnancy tests.
Meredith closes her eyes and places her frayed arm back in the water. She inhales deeply. So many things flash before her eyes. Derek. Derek is in every single image. Some of the images also contain a smaller version of her Derek. And they are happy. They are all happy together as a family as they play together on their land, where Derek built them a house.
These are the images that are running through Meredith's hand as the darkness overwhelms her and the water continues to turn a darker shade of red.
No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would've guessed it?
And I am left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late
This is being written for a challenge on mine and ashley's board...it's not going to be too long...maybe 3 or 4 parts...and at a later time when I don't have so many fics...I might continue it. This is the first part. The rest of the song will be incorporated throughout the other updates. I hope you like it.
-Marci