December 29, 1999
Sirius lay on his bed, heart pounding, palms sweaty and completely filled with panic. She knows, he thought. She knows I'm gay.
"She bloody knows," he whispered to himself and groaned.
Perseus responded with a mew from the floor and hopped on the bed, startling him.
"Peres," Sirius said as the cat climbed onto his chest and sat down, staring at Sirius with what he chose to interpret as an inquisitive glare.
Sirius absently pet Perseus's black, fluffy fur, feeling unable to calm his mind.
It had only been a small moment, just a little thing. It was a mere casual mention from his mother that she had read some of his poetry on his website, along with her familiar sneer and condescending tone that voiced her disapproval, that chilled Sirius to the bone.
"She fucking knows," Sirius whispered again, this time to his cat.
Perseus pawed at his chest then laid down, loudly purring. Sirius found this a small comfort, though he couldn't stop his mind from racing. They knew and if they knew then God knows what they would do. For one they would immediately stop him from seeing Remus. They might even see fit to move back to London, if it meant keeping their son away from any deviant behaviour.
Sirius desperately tried to stop himself from crying. He searched his mind for any shred of hope that might ease his mind. The only thing he could hold onto was that if his mother knew he was gay, why hadn't she said anything yet? Perhaps, she was hoping to surprise him with whatever her retaliation for his unwholesome sin would be.
I need to see Remus, he thought. He trembled with fear at the thought of never being able to see Remus again. They were supposed to spend New Years together and there was no way he was missing that.
Sirius grabbed his mobile from the night stand and quickly dialed Remus's number. The line rang three times before Remus picked up.
"Hello," Remus's voice said on the other end.
"Remus. I need to see you. It's an emergency," Sirius said.
"Emergency? What's the matter?" Remus asked, sounding worried.
"I can't explain over the phone. I'm on my way," Sirius said.
"But Sirius-" Remus started by Sirius hung up before Remus could finish.
"Fuck," Lily moaned as her body shuddered one last time.
James felt her body relax on top of him. She looked down at him with a grin then gently collapsed on top of him with a grunt while he breathed hard and stared at the ceiling of her bedroom.
That's two times today, James thought. They had already shagged twice and it wasn't even noon. Lily giggled then kissed his cheek. James smiled though he could already feel euphoria dissipating as his arousal slipped away. He needed a shower. Actually, he needed a nap… a bloody long one.
"Two times! Imagine that!" Lily said, sounding pleased.
"Yes. Two times," James said, trying his best to sound neutral.
Lily leaned up, and gave James a curious look.
"What?" James said.
"You tell me," Lily said.
"It's nothing. I'm just tired… and sticky," James said then grimaced slightly.
"You'll be having a shower then," Lily said and slid off of James. James slid the other way and stood up from the bed. He removed the condom then yawned. He turned around and saw Lily standing naked and looking through her CD collection. James smiled at her pale, shapely bum then turned and headed to the shower.
A few months ago he was afraid of her parents catching them shagging but just after Halloween they found out. They did insist that Lily get on birth control and made sure she was well stocked on condoms. Getting on birth control only seemed to make Lily want to have sex more.
James didn't mind sex. It wasn't bad. It felt nice and he liked being with Lily. The trouble was that sometimes he just wanted to cuddle and talk but whenever they got physically close in bed Lily seemed to immediately want to shag. Sometimes he just wanted to snog but snogging always led to making out and making out usually led to shagging.
No, James didn't mind shagging but it was clear that Lily really loved shagging. As he showered he contemplated ways that they could be close and intimate without things getting sexual. Perhaps, they stayed indoors too much. Maybe they should spend more time at his place, where his parents were home more often.
Once James was clean and dry he went back into Lily's room where she was laying on the bed in nothing but a tee shirt with a joint between her fingers while she loudly sang along with Blur:
We all say
Don't want to be alone
We wear the same clothes
Cause we feel the same
We kiss with dry lips
When we say goodnight
End of a century, oh, it's nothing special
"Topical," James said.
Lily flashed her green eyes at him with a smile as she took a big puff from the joint. James also had little interest in marijuana but Lily didn't seem to care whether he did so he elected to not care if she smoked.
"What a time to be alive and young!" Lily said happily.
"Indeed," James said and sat down on the bed.
James decided not to mention that technically the end of the twentieth century was still a year away.
"Are you heading home?" Lily asked.
"I was thinking about it," James said.
"Still on for Friday night?" Lily asked.
"Absolutely," James said.
"Cheers," Lily replied then leaned over and kissed James softly.
She tasted like raspberry lipgloss, sex and marijuana.
"Later," Lily said, grabbing his hand as he smiled and left the room.
James felt a twinge of pain as he left. He knew Lily was easy going but he wondered if she ever missed him when he was gone. James pulled on his coat, grabbed his brolly and stepped out of Lily's flat. It was still pissing down, just like it had been the night before. James sighed and made his way to the bus stop.
Remus heard a loud almost frantic knock at the front door. He quickly hopped off his bed and dashed out of his room but his sister Natalie had arrived their first.
"It's Sirius, Remus. Hello, Sirius," Natalie said.
"Hi, Nat," Sirius said as he stepped inside.
"You're soaked!" Remus said.
"Yeah. I wasn't bothered about the rain so much," Sirius said.
His shoulder-length hair was matted from the rain and he was shivering.
"Your boyfriend's going to catch a cold!" Natalie screeched.
Remus looked at her aghast.
"Quiet down, Nat! Mum and dad don't know!" Remus whispered.
His parents were home but napping. They slept hard and probably hadn't heard anything but he wanted to be err on the side of caution. He felt certain his parents would accept his sexuality but he wanted to do it properly on his own terms.
"Well, they should!" Natalie insisted.
"When the time is right. Will you go grab a towel for Sirius? Please?" Remus asked.
Natalie nodded and strode off to the bathroom.
"Pull off your coat," Remus said and Sirius complied.
Natalie got back with the towel and Remus took Sirius by the hand into his room. Inside, he rushed around the room to turn on all of his lamps. Sirius had insisted that Remus should get something brighter but Remus frankly preferred things a little dark. He tossed Sirius the towel.
"Dry your hair. And get your shirt and trousers off. I can put them in to dry," Remus said.
"What am I supposed to wear in the meantime?" Sirius said as he removed his shirt.
"A blanket for now," Remus said, gesturing at the quilt that was folded up at the end of his bed.
Sirius removed his trousers, leaving him standing there in only his pants, which appeared to be his only clothing that were even a little bit dry. Remus tried to ignore the sight of his boyfriend's mostly undressed form so that he could instead focus on taking care of whatever his immediate problems were.
"Remus, we need to talk," Sirius urged.
"Let me get your clothes in to dry. Then we'll talk," Remus said.
Remus gave Sirius a peck on the cheek then shuffled off. Minutes later he had returned and Sirius was curled up at the end of the bed, with the quilt wrapped tightly around him. Remus sat next to him and placed an arm around his shoulders.
"Do tell, what's the matter?" Remus asked.
"They know," Sirius said, flatly.
"Who knows what?"
Sirius turned towards Remus, his grey eyes intense and sorrowful.
"My parents know about us," Sirius said.
"Do they? Are you sure?" Remus said.
"No… I'm not sure. It was something mum said… she looked at my website. She's read the poetry I wrote for you. I don't know why she hasn't locked me in my room yet. But if she's read my poetry how can she not know?"
Remus frowned.
"Are you sure she's not just trying to get under your skin. I bet she didn't really read it. How did she even find it? She's just having a go and trying to make you feel like shite," Remus said.
He looked at Sirius and realised that her tactic definitely was making him feel like shite.
"So maybe she didn't. So what? It's only a matter of time until she does. And when she does she'll either take me away or kick me out. She'll write me out of the will, assuming I'm even in it anymore. They might just give it all to Regs and tell me to fuck right off," Sirius said with a sneer.
Remus looked at Sirius. Seeing him so sad hurt. He wished they were both eighteen and done with school. They could run off together somewhere. They could even bring James, Lily and Peter. They could move to the Scottish Highlands. This lead to Remus picturing Sirius in nothing but a kilt, standing amongst the heather and drinking a pint of whisky. Remus repressed a smile and decided to hold onto that fantasy for a later date.
"What am I going to do? They'll never accept me as I am. You don't understand. Your parents would accept you in a heartbeat!" Sirius said.
Remus widened his eyes and grinned, despite himself.
"You're right. They would. They will," Remus said and stood up in front of Sirius who he quickly gripped by the shoulders.
"Let's tell them," Remus said with enthusiasm.
"Right now? I'm not exactly decent, Remus," Sirius said his eyes wide with shock and terror.
"No. Not right now. New Years Eve! I'll tell them that I'm gay and that you're my boyfriend," Remus said.
Sirius's face was implacable for a moment. Remus wasn't sure if he was excited or terrified and wasn't sure what he was going to say. Perhaps, he would reject the idea of ever outing himself.
"I'm afraid," Sirius admitted with a sigh.
"So am I. But I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm something I'm not. I don't care if we're not normal. Let's be ourselves with family, if only for a night," Remus said.
Sirius slowly began to grin.
"OK. All right. Let's do it!" Sirius said.
"Excellent," Remus said and he knelt before Sirius and gave him a kiss.
The kiss held longer than Remus intended. He could feel hot tears on his face, not sure if they were his or Sirius's. He pushed closer to Sirius, and placed his hands on Sirius's thighs. He desperately wanted throw the quilt off of Sirius and ravish him but now was not the time.
They had only had really had sex one time, at Halloween. They had fooled around since then but things never seemed to work out. Remus still wasn't over the insecurities about his body and whenever he was in the mood there was rarely anywhere for them to do it, especially since the risks of being caught could be terrible.
Remus leaned into Sirius's ear and whispered: "If only my family wasn't home. The things I might do…"
Remus pulled away and Sirius stared at him, mouth agape. Remus winked and shrugged then went to grab a book. Sirius liked it when Remus read to him and they needed time for Sirius's clothes to dry.