Title: Too Much Cheese
Author: Kate Ya Mate (
katerogers@bun.com)Summary: Hm, that's a tough one… Mulder comes into work after experiencing an extremely strange evening and Scully tries to convince him it was only a weird dream…
Category: Humour/ Not MSR, but everyone-else-R…lol…
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None that I can think of
Distribution: Anywhere I guess, just let me know first
Disclaimer: If they were mine, wouldn't life be fine? But Chris, they belong to you, so please don't sue!
Author's Note: Ok so this is quite possibly one of the strangest fanfics you'll ever read. Not exactly sure where the inspiration came from… Not exactly sure I want to know…
Feedback: Am I the only one who finds this funny? Or am I just twisted? –Do let me know.
On with the story…
…***
Fox Mulder's Office
12:05
Scully sat at her computer, typing up the days' 'notes' on the case- not that they answered anything; rather, they confused matters even more, as always. She glanced up at her watch.
He's ten minutes late
.What's new?
Her conscience answered her.Finally, the door swung open, and in walked a rather bedazzled looking Fox Mulder. His hair was windswept and his tie was crooked. More to the point, it matched; something was wrong.
"Mulder? Are you okay?"
"I…I…" Mulder looked around the office like he didn't recognise it, as if someone had attacked it with Fen Shui in a deliberate attempt to confuse him.
"Mulder what's wrong?" Scully stood up, concerned.
"I didn't… get any sleep last night, I…"
Scully raised her eyebrows at him. "Yes, do go on."
"I…I thought it was a dream, but it seemed so real, well, maybe not real real but… I don't know, vivid somehow…"
"You wanna talk about it?"
Mulder nodded.
He raced along the empty streets, his breath short and his pulse racing. He had to get there. He had to get to the warehouse, to Scully. The streets seemed to become darker as he ran, and it was with a blow the size of Manhattan that he realised he was no longer in his own street, but on some unknown path… no, it was an alleyway. He stopped, noticing an anomaly in the otherwise natural surroundings.
What the hell is that?
Something stood far in front of him, swaying gently in the breeze. As he cautiously neared it he began to see its features more clearly. It was bigger than he was, kind of furry and yellow, and…
"Bigbird
Mulder? You ran into Bigbird," she queried sceptically."Yeah! It was definitely him Scully! Trust me- I had all the books."
She didn't know what was more disturbing; the fact that he thought he saw Bigbird or the fact that he idolised him as a kid…
"So, in light of my new discovery, I carried on running…"
Frowning and almost stumbling at the sight, he continued to hurtle on in a rather drunken state (although that was nothing new), his mind a frantic jumble. He kept turning back, to see if the giant yellow fur-ball was following him. But it merely stayed put, still swaying with the rhythm of the breeze.
Jesus, his life was getting worse. To hell with the aliens- now Sesame Street was colonising the planet…
But Bigbird
was kinda cute…A loud shout broke into his thoughts.
"AGENT MULDERRRRR!" The scratchy, hollow voice came from behind him.
"Kry… Krycek…" Mulder muttered, barely able to speak from the running.
"Mulder you know about the truth, don't you?" he asked, also breathless.
"I know they've got Scully."
"Oh yeah, they've got Scully all right…Come with me." Krycek grabbed Mulder's arm, brushing him slightly with the hem of his tutu
"Krycek in a tutu?"
"Apparently he always wears one…"
"Krycek why are you…?"
Krycek noticed Mulder's eyes fixed on his frilly ballet skirt.
"What?"
"What the hell is…" -waving his arms around in disbelief, "THAT?" He glared hard, making sure his eyes weren't deceiving him. But there it was. Krycek's lanky, hairy, slightly-goose-pimpled legs descending from a ridiculously stiff pink tutu, like a very-last-resort stand-in for Swan Lake.
And his feet. That was the weirdest thing. He had on his usual work shoes, with a tutu… Looking up and down, it was like; Man! Woman! Man! Woman! Man! Woman! Man! Wom
"an! Man! Wom-"
"Mulder you're side-tracking."
"Sorry."
Krycek interrupted his thoughts.
"What, I always wear it! Come on, we haven't got time for this!"
Mulder shook his head, trying to search for an answer to this madness. So there they went, two grown men running down the road, one in a (rather fetching) tutu.
"We're
"You found it fetching?"
"It was kinda cute… nice material… smooth lace… Actually it would look quite nice on you if you were to…"
"MULDER…"
"Yeah so anyway…"
"We're here." Mulder and Tutu-Boy stood in front of a shabby, decaying, presumably abandoned warehouse.
"This is it? This is where Scully and the aliens are?"
"Who said anything about aliens?"
Mulder frowned and pushed in front of Krycek, bursting through the door.
When they left the warehouse
"Hey, hey wait a minute Mulder, you didn't tell me what happened at the warehouse."
"Ohhh you don't- you don't want me to tell you that, I-"
"MULDER…"
Mulder sighed.
The warehouse was dimly lit, and all that existed in the large open room was a few scattered chairs. Birds sat tweeting at one another on
"Get to the point Mulder."
Mulder drew in a sharp breath.
There, in the centre of the room were a happy couple doing the Tango, firmly compressed against one another as they danced, their eyes burning into the wall opposite them as they approached it like a fierce battering ram, hammering their feet into the floor.
It was then that he realised mmm… hmmm… uhuhuh… uhuh ahahaha A HA HA
"HA HA… HEHEH…"
"…Mulder?"
"HUH HUH HUH!" Mulder threw his head back as he chuckled. "I'm sorry Scully I…it's just… uhuh…huh huh…" Mulder turned, avoiding her glance. His body was trembling from the laughter and he brought his hand to shade his face in attempt to hide his amusement.
"Mulder!" Scully leaned round to look at his face, trying to get an explanation from him.
"I'm sorry Scully, it's just the thought of you and Skinner doing the-"
"WHAT! Me and SKINNER! Mulder have you gone absolutely INSANE?" she waved her arms around before perching on the edge of her desk.
"You tell me Scully- I wasn't the one playing Strictly Ballroom with the Assistant Director." Mulder's grin fell apart when he saw Scully's threatening face, her lips pursed tightly together.
"It was definitely you and him, Scully," he began, his face pitiful, as if he were breaking some bad news to her. He sat next to her on the desk and leaned close, placing his arm around her shoulders. He had turned serious now, and sighed before whispering gently, "It was him. It couldn't have been anyone else- I recognised his bald head shimmering in the light…"
She lashed out, swiping him a back-hander across his shoulder. He merely grinned in response.
Mulder ducked out of sight behind a table that stood to the left of him, and continued to observe the two divas.
Suddenly the music stopped.
Scully looked up at Walter, smiling contentedly, his expression mirroring hers. He walked over to a chair (one of the few intact ones) and slumped into it, exhausted from the effort. Mulder could even see the beads of sweat forming on his shiny head…
Scully walked over to the chair as Skinner patted his lap, urging her to sit with him. She smiled willingly and plopped satisfactorily onto his tweed trousers. Mulder gaped at the sight as Scully proceeded to wrap her arms around his neck and initiate a game of Tonsil Tennis. He had a firm grip on her behind as she stroked and caressed the broad domain of skin above his glasses. As Mulder watched, they became more involved in their passion, becoming breathless and
"Okay Mulder I think that's more than I need to know… I can't believe you just stood there and watched!"
"Well I couldn't do much else, I- I didn't wanna interrupt. I always knew you two would get together… not exactly like that, but…. I knew," he declared proudly, slyly winking at her.
Scully folded her arms across her chest. "Okay we can skip that part- carry on."
"Are you sure you don't want me to tell you what-"
"MULDER…"
Mulder left the warehouse with Tutu Boy, closing the door carefully, as the music could no longer conceal its squeak.
"So you see Mulder, you're powerless to stop it. No one can. Men have tried, but-"
"What are you talking about?"
"The force, of course!"
"…Force?"
"You just saw an example of it in there!" He pointed to the warehouse. "Don't tell me you can't see what's going on right in front of your eyes!"
"But-"
"You mean all along you thought it was all a straightforward case of aliens and UFOs?"
"Well, I…"
"God, Mulder you need to work on your investigative skills. The aliens induced a disease into the American population in the form of a Black Oil-"
"You mean that's a love potion?!"
"Yeah what did you think it was? Some life-threatening virus or something? Ah ha ha… You're killing me… haha…ha…"
"Okay so now you're telling me that Krycek actually laughed."
"…Well, it was kind of a… little snort, y'know…"
*Snort*
"So if this is more than alien colonisation, what's with all the abductions?"
"They take humans to extract oestrogen and testosterone- natural aphrodisiacs- to put in the potion." He looked up at Mulder, who had stopped walking in order to digest the information, his hands pressing tightly on his temples. Krycek looked around, surveying the are for any eavesdroppers, then whispered, "Hey, you know E.B.Es?"
"Extra Biological Entities," Mulder answered confidently.
"No; that was just a code name. The correct definition is Extra Bodily Excitement."
"You're kidding me…" Mulder mumbled back.
"Let me show you another example… Come with me." He fumbled in his pink fluffy handbag for
"A pink, fluffy, handbag?"
"Did I not mention the handbag? Now that would not suit you…"
"Oh but the tutu would?"
"Let's continue the story…"
He fumbled frantically in his handbag. "Where's that goddamn wand…" He suddenly looked upwards at the sky, wildly yelling, "You told me I could get a new WAND! To hell with you!"
Mulder stepped backwards, abruptly afraid of Krycek and his obsession with his newly found 'status'.
"Ah here it is. Good. Let's go." He tapped the wand, first on his head, then Mulder's.
"Mulder besides Sesame Street did you happen to be a fan of cliché-ridden fairy tales?"
"I'm telling ya, that's what he did!"
The next thing he knew, Mulder was in the street again. He sighed with relief.
Until he realised it was a different street.
Diana's street.
"Oh Lord…This just gets better and better…"
"Why are we here?"
"We're here to see Diana."
"Diana who?"
"'Diana who', Mulder?!"
"Well I had to at least pretend!"
Scully sighed. "Go on."
"Diana Fowley."
"Your chickadee, remember." A contrasting voice cut through the air.
Mulder turned around abruptly. "FROHIKE?"
"Hey Mulder, Krycek. Nice seeing ya- gotta go." And with that, he jumped on a nearby motorcycle and sped off into the distance.
"Could this possibly get any worse…" Mulder murmured.
"Mulder come with me."
He looked at Krycek gingerly. "Do I have to?"
"I wanna show you another example of the effects of this drug."
Krycek led Mulder round to the back of the house.
"Couldn't we just be civil and use the door?"
"Shh- they'll hear you." He whispered back.
"They?"
"Look." Krycek gestured to the nearby window. In the middle of what looked like the sitting room stood Diana, her arms wrapped around someone's neck as they kissed passionately. She was wearing a dangerously short miniskirt and a cream blouse; her jacket had been flung on the sofa beside them. Mulder squinted to identify the man that stood facing her, his hands supporting her waist tightly and smoothing her hair.
Mulder's curiosity was at last satisfied as the man drew back from a devouring kiss. Mulder almost choked on his own air as a puff of smoke rose from between the two people.
"Oh my God! The Smoking Man?"
"In the flesh. Complete with Armani tuxedo."
Scully glared at Mulder in shock. "But Diana and the Smoking Man?"
"Scully I'm just as shocked as you are." He sighed, thoughtful. "This drug is obviously effective."
"Oh no Mulder you're not telling me you actually believe this crazy dream of yours! It's a dream Mulder- it's not real! It's just your mind playing tricks. You're confused because of all what's happened to you." She placed a supportive hand on his arm.
"Oh come on Scully cut it with scientific crap for a moment, will you? Anyway, you haven't heard the whole of the story yet…"
"Oh my God!" Mulder's mouth moved frantically as he searched for the words. "How long has this been going on?"
"Long enough. Skinner tried to stop it."
"You-you mean Skinner knew?" he stuttered.
"Oh yeah. He has his secrets Fox. Can I call you Fox?"
"Huh… yeah whatever…So how many people have been affected by this drug, the whole bureau?" he asked sarcastically.
"No not all of them. Just some. For experimental reasons."
"They're using them as guinea pigs."
"In a sense, yeah."
Something struck Mulder as they walked away, back down the street. "Hey wait a minute…"
"Hm?"
"How come we're not affected?"
Krycek stopped walking, avoiding the question. He walked over to a nearby car. "Here- get in." He held open the door as Mulder hesitated slightly, then thought, what the hell, I've come this far I may as well go the whole way. Nothing could possibly be worse than it already is…
Could it?
"Mulder why do I get a bad feeling about this…?"
Krycek got in the other side and slumped in the seat. Mulder watched him inquisitively as he merely stared out of the window in front of him.
"Krycek I don't wanna rush you after all you've told me, but you know I really should be getting-"
Before Mulder could even finish his sentence, Krycek was reaching for Mulder's neck, wetting his lips hungrily…
"God, Mulder! What the hell is with you?" She eyed him closely, frowning up at him. "I mean, are you trying to tell me something here? 'Cause there are better ways!" Her mood changed as the story suddenly struck her as being faintly amusing.
"Scully I'd never run so fast in my whole damn life, I…" he stopped, noticing Scully quivering slightly, a grin quickly escaping her face. "Scully are you- are you laughing at me?"
She inhaled sharply. "No Mulder I'm not laughing, I…" She gave in. "I'm sorry Mulder, it's just…" she covered her face with one of her hands as she shivered more from her laughter.
"Oh I'm glad you're able to find some humour in all of this."
Scully pulled herself together, returning to her frustration. "Mulder, really- how many times do I have to remind this was JUST A DREAM! Why are you making such a big deal out of all this?"
"Scully I've had my fair share of weird dreams. But this one was different, not like any of the usual ones. It was so real, so lifelike. You just don't wanna believe it because of what happened. It's okay to admit it Scully."
Scully's mouth dropped open. She violently shook her head in disagreement.
A thought struck Mulder. "No… hey no actually you probably wouldn't remember any of it. Memory loss is a common after-effect of most drugs."
"Oh how convenient…" Scully mumbled.
Mulder glanced at his watch. "Well I'm done convincing you. I'm heading home."
"I'm gonna finish up here. And Mulder?" Mulder turned back. "No more cheese."
Mulder nodded and left the room.
Scully began gathering together the loose sheets of paper on the desk. Just as she put them in a perspex folder, Mulder cocked his head around the door. "Hey Scully, I think Skinner's alone in his office if you, um…" He grinned and dashed out the room as Scully scowled menacingly at him.
***
Mulder sighed as he got into his car.
So Scully doesn't believe me. What's new? But then again, who knows? I could be wrong. Maybe it was a dream… Maybe I just eat too much of that Clydesdale…
Just as the thought cleared his mind, he reached for his phone on the seat next to him to dial for pizza with one hand, whilst his other turned the key in the ignition.
Hang on, that doesn't feel like my phone…
He slowly turned to see what his hand was clasped around.
Please God…
There in the middle of the seat, like some bloody knife from a Hitchcock film, was the very same pink wand Mulder had seen in Krycek's hand only moments ago. His face was filled with dread as the realisation sunk in.
"SCULLYYYYYYYYYY!"
~ End ~
-Would like to apologise in advance if I cause anyone freaky nightmares. However, If you like this, I'm looking to write a sequel in which Scully accompanies Mulder on his second 'expedition'. Now that would be interesting…
PS If you like this story, read Elvis Down the Chimney- it's much better! Lol…
J