Everything I Failed To Be

Chapter One

by Kate04

"The dance between darkness and light will always remain— the stars and the moon will always need the darkness to be seen, the darkness will just not be worth having without the moon and the stars."

― C. JoyBell C.

A/N: This plot bunny has been hopping around in my head for a very, very long time, and I finally got it pinned down. It is AU and delves into Sharon and Andy's past with a big "what if" at the center.

A big "thank you" once again to RockinRobinB for her wonderful beta!

Disclaimer: Not my sandbox, not my toys. Just playing because it's fun.

Time: February 1999

Sharon dropped her bag onto the small table in the hallway, slipping out of her heels as she placed her jacket into the hallway closet. Some days were definitely not worth getting up for and it had been one of those again. From the moment she had rolled out of bed at five in the morning, her head pounding, things had gone steadily downhill. Everyone had seemed to want the impossible from her, starting with Ricky who had come to her with some forms that needed signing. Of course he'd had them for over a week, but somehow he had forgotten about them and they were due that day so could she please fill them out and sign them now? Sharon had told him once again that she would really appreciate it if he brought these things to her earlier, because she liked to actually read what she was signing and five minutes before his bus left was not an ideal time to spring this on her. He had smiled his charming smile that was completely Jack's and told her – once again – that he was sorry and that he would try to do better from now on.

His smile wasn't the only thing Richard had gotten from his father. He was a sweet, outgoing boy, who had no trouble charming everyone around him with a joke and a broad grin. He was also prone to promising the world and then struggling to keep his word. It was something they needed to work on or he would end up turning into his father.

Work had not exactly been a walk in the park, either. One of the senior partners at her law firm was about to retire and they were looking for a replacement. It had been hinted at that she was among those considered for that promotion and she really wanted it. It meant a lot of hard work, overtime, and taking even more work home with her to do after the children were asleep. She had not slept more than four hours a night in weeks and it was beginning to take a toll on her.

To make matters worse, one of their biggest clients had been especially difficult. He was known for demanding the impossible and every one of her colleagues tried to get out of having to deal with him. In addition to their client's absurd professional standards, he was also a disgustingly sexist pig, who spent a large part of their meeting trying to look down her blouse and touching her inappropriately. Every time his hand landed on her hip or accidentally brushed over her butt, she told herself that she would only have to put up with it until she got that promotion. Then she would be free to tell him to behave like a decent human being in her presence if he had any interest in keeping those wandering hands of his.

As she walked into the living room to greet her kids, who were watching a movie and munching popcorn, her mind was already on the hot bath and the glass of wine she would have in a moment. Since neither Ricky nor Emily were willing to acknowledge her presence with more than a mumbled hello and, in Ricky's case, an exasperated sigh when she planted a kiss into his hair, she left them to their action film and went into the kitchen to get a glass and a bottle of chilled white wine. Even the dog ignored her and only sighed when she patted his head as she passed his bed in the hall. Grabbing her purse, which she had dropped at the bottom of the stairs when she had come in earlier, she dragged herself upstairs, already hearing the siren call of hot, lavender-scented water and soft, classical music.

Sharon padded into the master bedroom at the end of the hall and gently closed the door behind her, dropping her purse, the wine bottle, and the glass on the sideboard next to it without breaking her stride. Her eyes were set on the large, soft bed, and her muscles twitched in relief when she threw herself across it, her body sinking into the comfortable mattress. The smell of freshly washed linen surrounded her and she congratulated herself on having taken the time to change the sheets after getting up in the morning instead of putting it off until after work.

Once her initial elation wore off a little bit, she noticed that she was lying on something. It scratched the skin of her chest unpleasantly, but she could not bother to move enough to find out what it was. It felt like paper, but she figured that it would still be there in a few minutes. It was probably something Ricky or Emily hoped she would not find before they were safely asleep and she simply did not feel like dealing with anything like that.

As she contemplated having to get up in order to make it into the bathroom, she wondered if it had been such a wise decision to lie down in the first place. The idea of simply drifting off right there was very tempting. In the end, it was thoughts of waking up with a stiff back, a headache and wrinkled clothes that compelled her into action. Rolling over onto her back, she sat up and started to undo the buttons of her dark blue blouse as she struggled to her feet. She let the garment drop to the floor, her skirt joining it seconds later. Grabbing her black silk robe from the bench at the foot of the bed and the slightly crumpled envelope she had been laying on moments ago from among the rumpled sheets, she made her way into the bathroom.

Sharon placed her robe on the hook behind the door and started the water to fill the tub. She leaned her hip against the vanity and studied the letter she had taken from the bedroom. It was a plain, white envelope with her name written on it in Jack's familiar, bold scrawl. Her heart sank when she thought about what she would find once she opened it. Memories of another note like that were all too fresh, and she could not help but think back to that time when she had found her husband gone from their lives for several months, when he had left them with nothing but debt and broken hearts to chase another big win, to bury is head in another bottle of Scotch far away from his nagging wife and demanding children.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath, letting the warm, steamy air and the scent of her lavender bath oil soothe her, before she opened the envelope and scanned the hastily scribbled words.

Dear Sharon,

I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking that I'm running away again, that I'm off to get drunk and play cards somewhere, but that's not true. Well, technically I am running away, I guess. It's not about the cards this time. I swear it isn't. I guess you won't believe me, but I need you to. I did some things that maybe I shouldn't have done. I messed with the wrong people and got in over my head. I'm sorry to leave you and the kids like this, but it's better if I disappear for a while. I can't say more than this, because I don't want to drag you into this. The less you know, the better for you and the kids. I'll contact you as soon as I think it's safe.

Sharon, even if you don't believe me, which I guess you won't, please be careful and watch your back.

Love, Jack

Sharon let her hand sink, the piece of paper dangling from her numb fingers. He had to disappear for a while? What was that supposed to mean? Was this simply another way of Jack walking out on them? Was he too much of a coward to tell her to her face that he no longer wished to be with her? And yet, she could not help but feel her skin prickle with unease at the ominous words. Something had been a little off about Jack lately. He had left early in the mornings and stayed out until late, often returning long after she was asleep. He had been nervous, trying to hide that fact beneath an additional layer of forced joviality. She had begun to grow suspicious, had kept an eye out for signs that his drinking had gotten worse or that he had started gambling again. There had been nothing concrete, except his strange behavior, and maybe she had not been as committed to getting to the bottom of it as she had liked to think. It was less painful to pretend that they were doing all right than to face the facts, and as long as she did not have the facts, she could go on pretending.

Apparently, that was over now. He had once again walked out on them, for whatever reason. Sitting down on the rim of the bathtub, she leaned forward and covered her face with her hands. Her mind immediately went to her children who were sitting downstairs, oblivious of their father's renewed absence from their lives. How would she tell them that the man who was supposed to love and protect them considered other things more important than his family, that he seemed to have such a hard time being with them? How would she make them understand that it was not their fault? She still remembered the last time he had left, when she had sat on Emily's bed and held her as she cried and asked what she had done to make Daddy hate her so much. Her own eyes filled with tears at the thought of having to put her through that again, of having to be strong for her children when her own heart was shattered once more.

In addition to that, she could not shake the feeling that there was more to Jack's ominous warning than an excuse for his leaving them. Her mind was already busy with measures that would have to be taken in order to ensure her children's safety – just in case.

Taking a bath had suddenly lost its appeal when she thought about their potential vulnerability. Instead, she decided to take a quick shower. Closing the tab, she pulled the plug and sighed, disappointed as she watched the water vanish down the drain. Going over to the shower, she turned on the water, waited for it to heat sufficiently, and stepped under the spray. She closed her eyes as the heat seeped into her tired muscles. They relaxed slightly in response and she groaned as the pounding behind her eyes eased to a bearable throb. Thinking about the wine that was still on the vanity, she considered having a glass later, after she had checked and double checked all doors and windows and made sure the children went to bed, but she discarded the idea immediately. The thought of an unknown threat that might lurk close by was enough for the pleasant buzz of a glass or two of her favorite wine to lose its appeal.

As she thought over her limited options, Sharon once again cursed Jack Raydor and the decisions that had led her to this point in her life.

~TBC~