I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as, the wind blows
So hold me in your arms
My heart's against your chest
Your lips pressed to my neck
I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet
And the feeling I forget
I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Her conversation with Clary is buzzing in her mind.
She has to take the first step.
She, Isabelle Lightwood, has never had to chase a boy.
They come. They fall. She sweeps the floor with them.
But Simon is different. She doesn't feel like using him as a mop.
She feels like caring for him. Laughing with him. Being with him.
Maybe even loving him.
She bites her nails as she stares at her phone.
"Just call him, you idiot."
"Hey." She says as he answers. Paces around her bedroom like the schoolgirl she never wanted to be.
"Hey, Iz"
She curses inside. Even his voice makes her feel all fussy and warm.
Damn it, Lewis.
"I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight? I need to talk to you." Her voice is casual, cool and collected.
Her insides on the other hand is dancing rumba.
And this is just the phone call leading up to the real thing.
She is so royally screwed.
"Oh, Iz. I can't"
He actually sounds genuinely disappointed.
"I promised to hang with Clary. She is a little upset about the whole Jace thing. And her mother is acting weird. Weirder than usual."
She doesn't say anything. Her heart falls to her stomach. And she has an aching feeling taking over her whole body.
This will never end. He will always put Clary first.
"But I'm free tomorrow." His voice sounds hopeful now.
"I can't tomorrow. I have to clean my knives." Her voice dry and cold.
He doesn't seem to notice.
"Eh...Okay."
He waits for more.
"I have weapons, Simon."
"Oh, I know."
Truth is, right now, he doesn't feel like he knows anything.
This is the strangest conversation he thinks he's had. And with the past months in mind, that is surprising. Unsettling some may say too.
"Goodbye, Lewis."
"Wai.."
She hangs up.
"Wait." He finishes, only to his own ears.
All he hear is beeping.
She is sure of the thing she dreaded.
He is more confused than ever.
Simon makes her laugh.
He makes her cry.
No boy has ever been able to do just that.
She is Isabelle Lightwood, shadowhunter. Fearless and unbreakable.
At least she was.
At least she used to want to be.
She never cried over boys. She never gave her heart away.
It was both a defense mechanism and an act.
Because deep down all she ever wanted was to feel loved.
She rushes into his apartment two days after the phone call. She looks mad.
He stirs her inside his bedroom, away from Jordan's curious gaze.
"Finished washing knives?" He asks, his tone light. The look she gives him is not one of amusement.
"Yeah, cleaning is not a joke." He says seriously, waits for her to say something.
Anything.
"So Clary isn't here?" She asks, her arms folded. She looks annoyed. But at the same time a little relieved.
He is utterly confused.
"No." He answers.
Afraid of saying anything more.
She just looks at him, bites her lips. Doesn't quite know what to do next. She came her in a rush of adrenaline. It was a spur of the moment thing. Now she regrets it a little.
"What's with the anger?'" He asks when she isn't speaking. Tries for a smile, regrets it seconds later when she scolds at him.
She doesn't have regrets anymore. She came her to get a closure. One way or the other.
"I'm angry because I don't understand you. I am angry because you always put Clary first. I'm angry because I let myself care about you and now I don't know..." She stops.
He takes two steps towards her, about to say something. She won't let him.
"You love Clary." She simply says, a little defeated. Like she just now realizes it.
"Yes, I love Clary. But I'm not in love with her."
He is even closer to her now.
"Well. Good. Because I'm in love with you!" She yells and her hand moves automatically to her mouth. Like a reflex. Like protection. As if that would take it all back.
She covers her mouth, he stares at her baffled. For a minute you'd think he was a zombie, not a vampire.
Then he raises to her, grab her with force and kisses her.
Like kisses kisses her. The I-think-the-world-is-going-under-kiss shadowhunters more than any other lines of work experiences.
The one that leaves you breathless in the end.
But Simon doesn't need breathing so she has to be the one to pull back. Even though she wishes they could stay like this until the world actually ends. And in their case that might not be very long at all.
But air is still very much needed.
She feels dizzy as she removes her lips from his. Her hands shaking a bit and her breath unsteady.
Simon is holding on to her still, his fingertips stroking her arms.
"I love you too, Iz."
His hands move up, cups her face. She closes her eyes, breathes in the sent of him. Smiles, eyes still shut.
"I've loved you for a while I think. I was just scare.."
She kisses him quiet. Her hands in his hair, grabbing hold of him, rushingly.
"Bite me." She says firmly as they part.
His pupils dilate a little, she sees him tensing. Just a little, but noticeable to her.
He wants to badly. Has been somewhat distracted by the smell of her blood since she entered the apartment. The sent of her special to him, holding a memory he'll never shake.
"Izzy, you don't have to.." She starts taking off her leather jacket. Throws it on the dirty floor.
"That was a 300 dollar jacket. That's how serious I am."
"Iz.." He starts, she places a finger at his lips.
"Shh. Don't you know me at all, Lewis? I don't do things I don't want to. And I make sure to do the things I want."
He just nods. He knows her.
His fingers move to her exposed neck. He strokes her skin, feels her shiver. She closes her eyes, prepares for his teeth to pierce her skin. Her heartbeats go faster, she knows he can hear them. Find it thrilling that he does. His fingertips are moving gently over her skin, they stop at the scars she still has there. From his teeth.
The thought sends shivers through his body.
He walks even closer to her, their bodies completely pressed together.
Then he does what they both want. He bites her. Her blood warming up his cold body. It makes him feel alive. Like her heartbeats pounds through her veins and into his.
He feels her whimper. He is still baffled over the fact that she enjoys this.
She gasps as his teeth goes deeper. He pushes her down to his bed. Wants more of her, but has to pull back while he still is able to.
Her breath is uneven. His body is placed over hers, her eyes sparkling in the darkness.
Simon presses his lips to her chest, right above her heart. Which he feels is racing.
"Are you okay?" He whispers, his lips still against her skin.
She nods, lays her hands on his face, pulls him closer.
"I'm more than okay." She whispers and kisses him.
She drags him closer, still with her lips on his.
He could do this forever. When he kisses Izzy it feels like she breathes life into him. Like she gives a part of herself to him and he is alive again.
She manages to remove her top, still kissing him. His fingers move over her bare stomach. He pulls away from her lips a little to really look at her. He stops at some of her scars, traces them. Her stomach moving up and down as her breath increases.
Her scars. Ornaments.
"Beautiful." He says and locks eyes with her.
She pushes herself upwards and starts kissing him again. More hungrily now, more sloppy. Their bodies all tangled up in each other. She pulls his t-shirt off and throws it on the floor.
His finger at her neck now, still marked by his fangs. He feels her pulse drum under his fingertips.
She moans as his fingers drop lower. Has never wanted someone so badly.
Her heart feels like it's exploding, so is her head.
"Simon." She moans as he groans loudly.
They have both forgotten that they are not alone in the apartment. But that doesn't matter.
Nothing else matters right now.
She nips at his lips, he tastes salty and familiar.
Her arms are wrapped around his neck and her legs tightly around his waist.
Isabelle slips a hand between their bodies, guides him.
"Izzy.." He moans as her hips bucks against his.
Then he swallows her screams as the world stops for a moment.
"Alec!" Isabelle yells and flies down the stairs in Magnus's loft.
No one knows why she is even yelling.
"She is lovely, isn't she?" Simon says, a goofy smile plastered on his face.
Jace looks at him bewilderingly.
"Lovely? Jeez."
He grins.
"I guess somebody finally got laid."
Clary hits him at the side.
Jace just smiles. If Simon still could, he would be blushing by now.
"Up high." Jace says as he remembers that it's his sister he's talking about.
"I mean, never touch my sister again."
"Can I change shoes on this thing? Maybe throw on a better jacket?" She asks him in all seriousness.
"No." He simply answers and continues to talk about the various buttons for what feels like the hundredth time.
"If you touch the green button you use the sword."
She throws her hand up in the air to stop him.
"I got it." She stares at the screen, concentrating. Feels her competitive side taking over.
"Then let's play, babe."
Her eyes widen as she stares at him.
"Babe?Really?"
He shrugs his shoulders.
"I was just testing it."
She shakes her head at him.
"Well, the test results came back early on that one: No."
He smiles at her, kisses her cheek lightly.
She uses the opportunity to press play and get a head start.
"Hey!" He scolds at her.
10 minutes later it's game over. For him. For the first time in a long while.
"Ha! I crushed you!" She gloats, like only she can.
"Well, Iz. Sometimes a true gentleman lets the ladies win."
"Oh shut up, Lewis."
She is laying in his arms on the coach. They've been in this bubble for months. Not talked about anything serious, not discussed the future. But something has been weighing on her for weeks. Some things can't be buried.
"Simon.." She starts, her voice a little fragile.
He turns to face her. Cups her face and kisses her gently.
Breathes in her sent.
"Yeah?" He asks.
She swallows nervously.
"I don't want to be a vampire." She whispers, grabs his hand tightly. Can't let go right now. Fears he will be disappointed. Fears this might be the end.
But he just smiles.
"I know." He simply says and strokes her arm.
"You know?" She asks, her brows furrowed.
"I know you, Isabelle Lightwood. I know your beliefs, what you fight for. I've always known that you won't ever be a vampire. And I don't want you to be."
She closes her eyes, only listens to his words. Feels relieved. And frankly a little sad. Not because he knows her or because he doesn't want her to be a vampire either. She loves that. But sad because someday this has to end. The two of them. It won't last forever.
"I can't imagine you without these heartbeats. I can't imagine being the one to take them from you."
She closes her eyes and yawns against his shoulder.
"You will get old, wrinkly and kind of yuck"
She can feel the lightness in his voice. But underneath is a layer of seriousness.
She just listens.
"And I will still be the biggest sex bomb known to mankind."
She laughs.
He takes her hand. Lets his fingers intertwine with hers.
"But I will be right here."
"Holding your wrinkly hand, feeding soup to your toothless mouth."
She raises her brows and looks at him, he knows he is closing in on dangerous territory.
"I will always love you."
Nailed it, Lewis.
"Are you crying, Izzy?" He smiles, wipes away the tears at her cheeks.
"Well" She starts, points at Clary and Jace, getting their wedding runes.
"Look at them."
She has a point. Never has he seen two people more attached to each other.
More like one.
He wonders if somebody sometime will feel that about him and Isabelle. It really doesn't matter. He knows how they are. How he loves her, how she loves him.
How they just fit.
In the end nothing else really matters.
Isabelle looks over at Alec and Magnus.
They are nuzzling their noses together, hands intertwined. They look like newlyweds on their honeymoon, sneaking kisses at every available moment.
She rolls her eyes.
"I'm still baffled over how different me and my brothers are."
Simon looks at her.
"What do you mean?" He says.
"Jace getting married, and Alec using every occasion to display his adorable, but yet a little nauseating affections."
Simon looks in Alec's direction, quickly turns away again. Feels like he is intruding on a personal moment.
"I don't want to get married." She says casually, adjusts her dress a little.
"Don't really see the point of it." She isn't looking in his direction.
He is looking to the ground, truly a little disappointed.
Two days after the wedding Isabelle wakes with a terrible feeling in her stomach. That something is going to go very wrong. That all this happiness they've all surrounded themselves with, is coming to an end.
Threats are luring. She knows that. Sebastian. Maureen. Greater demons.
But this feeling is worse than ever.
She rests her head at Simon, who is still sleeping.
He is awake a few moments later, kisses her forehead.
Feels her heart racing.
Racing with fear.
"Izzy, what is it?" He asks, his voice heavy with worry.
"I feel like the world is ending." She says, her chest moving up and down in a tempo he finds frightening.
"So hold on to me." He says firmly and vulnerably at the same time.
She does. Feels her breathing slowly going back to normal.
"I'm scared." She whispers and closes her eyes. A teardrop resting at her eyelid.
"I wish I could take all your fears away." He kisses her forehead lightly. His arms wrapped securely around her delicate frame.
"Some fears are healthy." She says.
"But I wish I didn't have to fear for my loved ones all the time." She closes her eyes. Breathes in his sent.
The nagging felling still very much present.
"If a war comes..." He starts, feels her flinch a little at the word.
"Promise me you won't go in head first. Promise me you won't be reckless."
He knows her too well. Knows the fire burning inside her.
"I can't bare the thought of losing you." His voice so earnest, clouded with his fears.
She pushes herself up to him, kisses the corner of his mouth.
"If you promise me you'll never break my heart." She whispers.
He blinks.
"Promise me." It's only a whisper. Simon thinks he's never heard her so vulnerable. Never seen her so fragile.
He reaches out and takes a stray of her hair between his cold fingertips. Lets his fingers linger lightly against her skin. She is warm. She is Isabelle.
He can't imagine breaking her.
"I Promise."
Her worries is confirmed only days later when Alec comes from one of the adult-meetings.
They are all hanging at a diner when he joins them. He looks defeated, paler than normal. Even less cherry.
Jace stands up as he sees him.
"I felt something was wrong." He says and Alec simply nods.
"Maureen has approached us." He starts, everyone holding their breaths for the rest.
"She threatens to go to war with her whole clan if we don't give her what she wants."
Isabelle freezes, knows what her brother is going to say even before he opens his mouth.
"She wants Simon."
She swears her heart stops for a second or two.
Clary is gasping, Jace holding her hand. His face like stone.
Simon sits still by her side. Isabelle grabs hold of his arm.
"Don't even think about it." She snarls, bites her lips. Knows what he is about to say.
Knows how he will sacrifice himself for everyone at this table. That's just who he is.
"I have to, Iz"
"No." She says over and over.
"We'll come up with a plan."
"She gave us two days." Alec says and his sister sends him an angry look.
She grabs Simon's other hand.
"You promised" She whispers her eyes blank.
They don't have enough time. They won't find a plan nearly close to good enough. He knows that. She knows that.
They go the whole day knowing. He finally gets her to go to sleep at three in the night.
Watches her sleep. Falls in love with her all over again.
Does it on a daily basis. It isn't hard. Not usually.
He sighs, leaves her side.
Being a vampire has it's advantages.
Like now.
Like when you have to break a promise.
And break a heart.
Simon stands by the door. Looks over at Isabelle sleeping peacefully.
He wouldn't even have gotten across the room if not for his abilities. He can be soundless.
Even for her.
He stands there frozen, listens intently to her small breaths, the way her heart beats and the echos they make in his still heart. Wants to go over there and touch her, just feel her skin on his skin. Just feel her pulse drum under his fingertips. One last time. One last memory to hold onto.
He counts the steps between them in the darkness.
16.
16 steps.
It's sixteen steps from his skin to hers. From her beating heart to his dead one.
Right now sixteen steps feels like the whole earth.
Some things you can't come back from.
Betrayals. Loss. Words or actions that go beyond forgiveness.
He fears this is one of those things.
But that doesn't stop him from leaving.
Because the other option, the one where everyone he cares about is in danger, is worse.
Way worse.
She thinks she knew it already before she opened her eyes.
That he is gone.
She feels her body shivering and her stomach turning, she curls up with her arms around her legs and grab the paper at her side.
I had to, Iz. I'm sorry. I love you, remember that.
"Damn you, Lewis." She says and try to fight the tears that starts forming in her eyes.
She hasn't time to get sad and all teary eyed.
Anger will get her longer.
"We have to go get him! Now!" She screams, paces around the room while Jace and Clary look at her worryingly.
"We can't just go after Maureen. Her clan is huge, we would be dead before we even get inside."Jace says calmly.
Isabelle chooses to ignore him and turns to Clary.
"He's right." She says, tears running down her cheeks.
Isabelle huffs.
"If it was Jace, you would already be out the door!" She yells while pointing at Clary. Sees her shrink a little.
"Simon would have done anything for you, he has already done so much... "
Clary looks like she's just been slapped.
"I know that." She whispers and looks to the ground.
"But Simon wouldn't want us to just.." Isabelle doesn't let her finish.
"Screw that! Screw what he wants!"
Jace grab hold of Isabelle before she gets the chance to yell some more.
"Calm down." He says and lays his arms around her. Feels her realx a little at his touch. When they were younger only Jace could make her calmer when she threw one of her fits. He would just give her a hug or send her a look only she would get.
He understands her. They share some of the same fire.
He makes soothing circles at her back while she feels herself giving in to the tears she's been fighting for hours.
She isn't angry anymore. Now she's only sad.
Jace feels his shirt getting wet, lets her sob against his shoulder.
"We'll get the Clave. We'll get him back." He sighs.
"I promise."
She makes a sound and pulls away from his embrace.
"I haven't had much luck in the promise-apartment lately." She says and leaves them.
He dreams about her every night. He dreams about her every waking moment too. Can't shake her at all. Knew he wouldn't. Hoped he could.
Just a little. Thinks it would be easier if she wasn't the only thing on his mind.
Maybe he is wrong. Maybe it would be harder.
He wakes at night hearing her heartbeats.
Imagine her skin on his.
Suddenly sees her standing next to him in the daylight.
Maureen wants him to be her boyfriend. Wanders around with a fantasy of them being king and queen of the vampires.
She is crazy.
He is lonely.
Battered and beaten.
They blazes inside the hotel. Werewolves and the clave side by side.
Hundreds of them.
Isabelle not even paying attention to the fights by her side.
Just fight her way through the crowd determinedly, her whip crushing everyone that stands in her way.
Only one thing on her mind. Simon.
She finds him locked inside one of the suites.
His skin bruised and his eyes empty.
She races towards him before he gets a word out.
But she doesn't run into his arms, she slaps him.
And then she slaps him again, her eyes full of tears now.
He grabs hold of her arms as she is about to hit him once again.
"It's okay." He says and lays his arms around her. She sobs against his chest.
"It's okay." He repeats, makes soothing circles at her back and kisses the top of her head.
Feels tears forming in his own eyes.
He didn't expect to ever see her again.
He had lost all hope.
"You came for me." He says as she pulls back a little.
"Of course I did." She says and strokes his cheeks. Shiver when her fingertips feels his cold skin again. Has missed the feeling.
She rests her head at his chest again, holds him tightly.
Don't want to ever let go.
"Marry me." She suddenly says.
He looks taken a back.
"Marry me." She says again and he kisses her as an answer.
They looses no one, the vampire fleeing the scene soon after their arrival.
Maureen escapes. But right now it doesn't even matter.
They sneak inside a synagogue at night.
Magnus light up the place with hundreds of candles.
Her father isn't there. Neither is his mother.
But the few people they now call their family is standing around the alter(?) with them.
Her mom, Jace and Clary, Jocelyn and Luke, Magnus and Alec. All dressed in black.
Among all the things he calls himself, Magnus is also a certificated priest. Or so he claims at least. But the legal parts about this doesn't matter anyway. For these people in this room, Isabelle and Simon will be married in the ways that are most important.
Clary draws their runes and Magnus reads a jewish text. Their believes and backgrounds mixed in unison. The two of them united.
He grabs for something in his pocket as Clary is finished drawing.
"I know there is no rings in shadowhunter weddings, but I want you to have this."
She reads the inscription before he places it on her finger.
In a galaxy far, far away is engraved on one side.
Forever yours on the other.
Her already blank eyes are flooding over as she reads the words he has so carefully chosen.
"I love you so much." She whispers as he kisses her.
For the first time as her husband.
"This is ridiculous. Robots and light swords and Yodas. It's so unrealistic." She halfway wines at the TV.
He stares at her. Speechless for a little while.
"I mean, come on!" She throws her hand up in the air, sighs.
"You say this is unrealistic. You, who fight demons as a job. You, who is married to a vampire." He looks shocked.
She has to laugh.
He can't believe her. It took him ten years to get her to watch this and know she makes fun of it.
Star wars is like a religion to him.
Isabelle starts straddling him, kisses his neck.
"I'm so sorry" She giggles.
He gives her his whole attention now. Kisses her hungrily.
Star wars can wait. He knows the ending to that one.
"Do you believe in every story ever told?" He asks her one night.
"Almost." She answers.
"I've seen too many things to not believe."
He nods. Understands.
"You?" She asks, looks at him.
"I believe in heaven, at least some sort of afterlife. It can't just go dark when its over, I refuse to believe in a reality where you will just disappear. Be gone."
She blinks, didn't know the conversation was heading in this direction. She kisses him lightly.
"So you think we'll meet again then?" She says, curls up with him.
"I know it." He says firmly.
"Nothing lasts forever. Not even me." He adds and she closes her eyes.
Doesn't want to think about it.
"All life ends." She whispers.
He kisses her temple.
"All hearts are broken."
They are walking around the park one night. Holding hands, giggling, enjoying life.
Carefree.
And then it has to end. Of course it has to. They are cursed.
God knows why it has taken her so long. Maureen.
She ambushes them. Towing on four more vampires.
It is over in a flash. They are gone and Isabelle are laying on the ground.
Blood coming from her chest. Blood coming from her stomach. He rushes to her side, bleeding too. But this is not deadly. Not for him.
"No, no, no.." He says over and over, presses his hands over her wounds.
Grabs his phone, calls Magnus. No one answer.
"Simon.." Isabelle whispers.
"It's too late."
He holds her, won't face the reality.
"Tell the story, Simon." Her voice is soar. It's barely still there.
"I ca.." He starts.
"I need you to." She coughs. He feels her strength leave her body. Her breath weaken. Her heart slowing down.
He knows how little time there's left. He can't deny her anything.
"In a galaxy far, far away..." He tells her the story as he is holding her in his arms.
The words comes automatically. His head somewhere else entirely.
He can see a tiny smile on her face as her hands are grabbing hold of him more desperately.
He is still talking as her eyes start to fall shut.
She is still smiling.
He stops. Presses his lips to her temple. His eyes clouded with tears. They run down her face, mixes with hers.
"I love you so much." He whispers against her pale skin.
"No one could have loved me better." She breathes out. The air leaving her body as a cry escapes his lips.
"I will forever love you, Simon Lewis" She manages to whisper as he can feel her last breath.
Knows he will never unfeel it. He will never be able to.
"Nooo." He screams over and over as he gently cradles her in his arms.
The others will find him there hours later, still clinging to her body.
He presses his ear against her chest, on that place he's rested his head so many times before. Where he used to know he would hear her steady, strong heartbeats.
Now there's only silence.
His regrets haunts him.
Regretting not having turned her the biggest one.
He wanted to be selfless. To respect her wants, choices and believes.
He should have been selfish. It was just not in him.
And now she's gone.
But Isabelle will always be written in the scars on his non-beating heart.
All of her.
The scars aching. Longing. Remembering. Loving.
Burning.
They are all gone now. Only him and Magnus left. Like he said. That was their future. Their infinite curse. Black and hallow and so incredibly empty. Magnus got to keep Alec for a whole life though. Simon didn't get that. Magnus stayed with Alec til he was old and gray and he died because it was time. Like he himself was supposed to do with Isabelle. Simon envies that.
But her dying on him would be hard either way. Simon has seen how loosing Alec tears on Magnus, even though he got so many years. He has been through it before. Being left by the ones he love, left for a thousand more years and a thousand more losses. But loosing Alec might be the one thing Magnus can't get over.
Simon doesn't know how right he is for thinking that way. Magnus Bane doesn't get a thousand more years, there is no more loves for him, therefore no more losses. He found his true one. True love and true loss. And Magnus dies 20 years after his husband. Killed by his own father, but with a smile on his face. Because he knows who's waiting for him on the other side.
30 years.
That is what Simon has endured of the hollowness.
He hold on because of Clary and Jace and their kids. Because of Magnus and Alec. Alec always felt like a part of Isabelle stayed behind in Simon. He couldn't take that away from him.
And he hold on because that's what Isabelle would have wanted him to do.
Clary, he lost a year ago. Jace followed her days later. They say he died from a broken heart.
He wishes vampires had hearts that could die from breaking. That they had hearts at all.
The cementary is bathing in moonlight. He finds her stone.
There is no body there. But he feels close to her either way.
He knows he'll see her again. There is no other options.
Not now. Not when he knows how loosing her feels like.
How missing her aches like something that will never be able to heal.
Like there's no tomorrow. And without her it isn't.
It's just days. Seconds and minutes that feels like lifetimes.
And he has a thousand lifetimes left. If he wants to, he has a infinity waiting for him.
But without her he isn't really living at all.
Life's for the living. If you don't live, you are better off dead.
All life ends.
All hearts are broken.
Knowing that they'll meet again will ever only be a tiny bandage on an enormous wound.
He presses his lips against her name.
Isabelle Lightwood.
His heart aches for her.
Right now he can't bear to even take his hands of the tombstone.
He reads the words carved there out loud.
Wife, daughter, shadowhunter, friend.
Heart of fire.
Fire.
Fire.
It's time.
-fin