Disclaimer: I do not own "Harry Potter" or anything associated with it: the characters, places and events mentioned in the books and movies belong to JKR, Bloomsbury, Scholastic, and Warner Brothers etc.
A/N: Alright, so here it is... an insight into my craziness... Gwen is an original character... totally non-canon...
Mr. Wolfman
Sirius was standing nervously in front of Andromeda's house, shifting from one foot to the other. He had just appeared in the department of mysteries, together with a number of other people who had had the misfortune of passing through the veil. One of the Unspeakables had explained to them that it looked as if once the veil had mysteriously been destroyed, all those who had passed through it physically had been set free. The same official also mentioned that it seemed to him that for all these years they had misunderstood what the veil actually held on the other side. Nevertheless, once they had questioned the people, who had returned from behind the veil, the Unspeakables discovered that these people had no recollection of their time beyond it. For them it was like only a second had passed since they had walked through it.
"I is king Shermalola, my people waiting, you piece of undercooked monkey," one of the really ancient ones had lashed out at the young wizard who had tried to examine the man for any physical injuries.
"I am the Duchess of Edinburgh, and that man does not know how to talk in front of a lady. Would you be kind enough to lead me to my manor, my poor children would be left all alone with that sad excuse of a governess. She has the foulest smell on the planet."
"Stop touching me, it costs to touch this beauty,"
"What do you mean who am I? I am the minister of magic, you imbecile."
"You reek of mixed blood, get off me. Don't you know who I am?"
"My name is Ludda. I came from India, to show the wizards here my potions. They were quite pleased. The one that cures butt rashes was very well praised, you see."
"I am a poetess; my understanding of life far surpasses you."
"Oh, yes, right there. I have been suffering from an itch that just wouldn't go away. What do you mean I can scratch my own bloody back? I am the Prince of Harmalott, I have special people, who are specially appointed for scratching my royal back. You could apply, you know, but there are a number of specially designed tests that you have to pass before you even qualify to be allowed to as much as look at my beautiful back."
They should have been checking them for mental ailments, rather than physical ones according to Sirius. He really couldn't stand them, especially after all this time of being behind a piece of fabric and not remembering. He was tired, so he rang the doorbell.
A boy of about five stared at him from behind the door, his hair a dark shade of electric green. What the fuck?
"Does Andromeda Tonks live here?" he asked the little boy politely. But he just kept on staring at him suspiciously.
"Teddy, you idiot, close the door!" a girl's urgent voice came from behind him.
"Victorie, shut up!"
"Close it, before your grandma comes and we are all in big trouble!" she said again.
"Cwose it, Teddy, he could be the big bad wolf! Awooo awooo," another little girl appeared, peering at him from behind her long lashes, her electric blue eyes huge and frightened.
"Don't be silly, Gwen, he is not a wolf," the kid named Teddy soothed her.
"Erm... listen." Sirius began once again. "I really didn't mean to disturb you lot, it's just that I am here to see Andromeda Tonks. Does she live here? Or is there an adult in the house, who I could talk to?"
"See, Gwen," Teddy said to the little girl. "He just wants to talk to grandma. You don't need to worry about anything."
"He doesn't wanna talk to your grandma, Teddy. He wants to eat her." Her whisper was urgent and hushed but still audible enough. "He will awoo awoo, and then he will attack from the back and the next thing you know, your grandma is going to be in his tummy," the little girl had started to cry.
"Gwen, honestly, he is not going to eat grandma." Teddy now looked up at him and said apologetically, "This is Gwen, she is a little crazy. I will tell gran that you are here to see her."
"Noooooooooooo," the girl named Victorie screamed. "First he is gonna gobble your gran, then he is gonna hunt down mine and eat her, then he is gonna email Gwen's grandma and track her down and swawwow her and then he is gonna come for US!" With this she too started to cry.
"God, you two are loony, he is not a wolf, a blind man could see that,"
"No matter what you do, Mr. I-am-wolfman-and-I-am-here-to-eat-your-grandmother, you will NOT touch my grandma," Gwen poked him in the tummy, while keeping a good distance as she said this. With great effort Teddy got her little finger away from him, although he was sure there would be a bruise from all the poking.
"Stop being rude Gwen," Teddy said in a superior tone.
"Really, look, if you could call your grandmother,"
"No, no, no, no," Victorie screamed as she lunged herself at Sirius. "You will not eat our grandmothers. We will sacrifice our Teddy bears, our doll houses, our plastic tea sets, even our dolls, although that will hurt us really bad, and make us wanna cry like little Lucy, but we will not let you, wolfman, eat our grandmothers!" The girl made a war cry and Sirius thought he just might start pulling his hair out, as she attacked his leg.
"I wuv my grandma," how could devils be disguised as cute little children, he had no idea, but he couldn't deny the reality as it enfolded right before his eyes.
"Please, just call your mother instead, or your dad, or someone taller than four feet!" Sirius pleaded.
"Now he is going to eat our parents! We can't let him eat our parents!" Victorie screamed.
"I only have Daddy left," Gwen sniffed.
"Oh for goodness sake, what the hell is going on here?" Thank goodness Andromeda had come to free him, as these war queens attacked him in the form or angelic faces.
"Get away, Dwooma, he is gonna eat you," Gwen said in an urgent whisper, her lower lip trembling.
"No he won't, he will have to go over my dolls' headless bodies. Two are already broken thanks to that idiot, Carl, from next door, but that is not the point." She bit him, she actually bit him.
"OH WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S RIGHT AND LEFT BUTTOCK, DO YOU FEED THEM?" Sirius yelled at Andromeda. However, the moment she looked at him, her breath hitched and she fainted. Her face was white as snow, as if she had just seen a ghost.
"Nooooo," yelled Teddy as he went over to his grandma. "You killed my gran!"
"No, she just fainted. Look, could you get this... erm... her off me? I will look what's wrong and fix your grandma, okay?"
"I won't let you eat my gran," Teddy said with such determination, it scared Sirius and as Gwen started poking again, he attacked Sirius. "She is all I have left! You can't eat her!"
"Honestly, I don't want to eat your grandma," Sirius pleaded as Teddy pulled his hair. "I promise if you let me go, I will convert and become a strict vegetarian. Just please, let me go."
"The big bad wolf sweet talked the Wed Widing Hood, we are not that stupid, Mr. Wolfman." Gwen said her mouth pouting in anger. "You will not eat my grandma."
"Someone, please, help me," Sirius pleaded just as Harry stepped out of the fireplace. Why had he let the people at the ministry keep his wand for further tests? That was just stupid. He should have anticipated being attacked by a mob of little people.
Harry just looked a little bit shocked when he saw what the children were doing to a very disgruntled Sirius. Wait, what? SIRIUS? Harry almost fainted. Almost.
"Children!" Harry's voice was stern and they all stopped. It was quite a scene, if you think about it. Teddy on Sirius's shoulders, his hair in his little hands. Victorie frozen around his leg, her mouth half open in attack and his little Gwen staring at her fallen Teddy bear with big sad eyes.
"Get off Sirius this instant!"
"But Daddy, this is not Sirius, this is Mr. Wolfman," Gwen said in a small voice. "He came here to eat Teddy's grandma." She said this with such conviction that even Sirius almost believed her.
"Oh dear, what did Dromma feed you?"
"Mushy peas and French fries," Teddy smiled at Harry, his hero, Sirius's hair still in his hands.
"Right, now give the poor man some rest and get off him, now," Harry said sternly just as Andromeda came back to her senses.
"But Daddy,"
"Now,"
"Uncle Harry,"
"I mean it, NOW,"
And the moment those little devils had freed him, Sirius passed out from the mere relief of it.
A/N: Alright, so after reading half of you might think, 'What the hell was this?' Honestly, I don't even know. But some feedback would be nice. My second attempt at humour, which does not come naturally to me... So, I hope you laughed like a little at least... Let me know...