Johnny James Johnson looked up at the tall building that was his workplace and grinned. Life was such a dream if one was as clever as he was.
He was a skunk, or a badger. He was black and white all over, his arms striped, his tail divided into columns, his face in lines and patches, but all the same he never changed color once. He wore a red shirt, with light brown pants and a light green sleeveless vest. His tie was blue today and the shoes he chose were dark black. He was either a skunk with no stink, or a badger with a tail. Either way he was born lucky.
He was not actually that clever.
He had flopped his GCSE's, and would have been thrashed black and blue and forced to retake it, had his parents' known that the lowest grade possible was a U. He had gotten a U in all ten of his subjects. Not because he was dumb, but rather, because he was lazy, or at least that's how he justified it. He had never gotten any license other than a Learner's Permit, but that seemed enough for him. Heaven's only knew how he got his job. But he was too clever for the world and you dear reader are about to see why.
He crashed into the lamppost at breakneck speeds, before hurling himself out of the car and slamming the door shut behind him, before racing a few steps and turning to lock the car doors with his key, before crashing through the office doors at breakneck speeds.
"Maximus, how many minutes do I have left"? He panted out to the receptionist, who was actually called Maurice.
The sloth chuckled slowly and waited for a few seconds before pronouncing the letter 't'.
"Right thanks Madelline". He himself thought for a second on his own plan of action. His office was on the fourth floor. The choice was lift or stairs.
He chose stairs.
He pushed open the door before throwing himself onto the spinny-chair, which spun around once and threw him into the wall. Rubbing his bruised nose he sat down properly, just as his manager (called Daisy) walked in.
"Yo Jenny, what's up man"? He asked, swallowing his panting.
"I am not a man"! She snapped, clearly unhappy that she couldn't chew him over for being late. "Now get to work Johnson, you have three interviews scheduled for today, two of them are already waiting for you. You read their CVs I hope"?
Nope. "Of course, send them in, will ya"!
The first interviewee was a gorilla, at least five times the size of him, big with muscles the size of watermelons. He looked extremely out of place in the skunk's tiny office, where he had to hunch over so as not to scrape the wall with the top of his head.
"Good day", the ape spoke in a voice as deep as thunder. "My name is Olu De Shaun".
"I know", JJJ answered.
"You got my CV"?
"No. I know everything", he answered with a massive grin.
The ape snorted in disbelief. "Sure", the gorilla said in a voice absolutely dripping with sarcasm.
"You don't believe me"? The badger asked in mock hurt. "Tell me something I don't know then".
"Okay. My mother's maiden name is-"
"I know what it is. Next"!
"No wait ! You know I went to university"?
"Yes I know".
"You know I used to work in Starfish"?
"Yes, of course I know".
"You know I murdered my wife before I got here", the ape seemed to genuinely think he knew everything. How touching.
"I've heard enough, just wait outside for a moment please", he said with a faux smile.
As soon as the ape closed the office door he dialed the ZPD. "There is a murder outside my office now, get your as*** here quick"! He promptly put down the phone, and let in the second interviewee.
"Good morning, my name is"-
"I know your name", he said absently. Where are those lazy mammals ?
"Bull**** ! I didn't send you no CV"!
"Yeah, I just know everything".
The second interviewee was a dog, who looked at him through eyes patched brown. His trench coat was khaki in colour, and his eyes were a dark green.
"I have never heard more rubbish in my entire life"!
"Oh is that a fact"? He heard the police sirens pull up outside his office. "Open that door. See the gorilla ? Watch him for a few seconds. The cops are coming to arrest him in five, four, three, two and"-
"I didn't do anything ! Who told ya ! I'm innocaaaaaaaa"-
"He was tasered wasn't he"?
The dog blinked at him, shocked into decorum. "You know everything"?
"Of course. Now get out of my sight, it's time for my lunch break". JJJ got up and strolled past the dog.
"But it's eight past eight"?
"I knew that". His smug grin carried him into the parking lot.
"Officer Tod at the scene of car crash, just outside office building, waiting for tow truck", the great brown bear spoke into his reviever, just as a skunk strolled into the demolished car, and pulled into reverse, made a U-turn and was about to hit the gas when the bear stopped him via a flashing police badge. "Hey ZPD over here ! What do you think you're doing"?
"Going for a spin, duh".
"In that wreck ? I don't think so buster"!
"Well I know so copper", with that the skunk sped off in an erotic circle, smashed into another car, reversed and drove off, on the wrong side of the road.
The bear promptly punched the lamppost... only for the sloth know as Maurice to exit the building... and shout faster that his species was allowed to.
"Hey, why are you smashing ma lamppost for ? I don't care I'm calling the ZPD. Lamppost breaking son of a *****"!
"I have a reservation"!
"Nonsense ! We are only scheduled to receive Henry Broshinski at this hour".
JJJ sighed. "I am Henry Broshinski".
"Nonsense, now get out of my shop"!
The skunk grabbed the wall-phone and began smashing in the buttons. "I'm calling my assistant".
At that moment the restaurant's other wall phone began ringing on the other side of the room. "Give me that"! The bartender snapped, trying to take the phone off of JJJ.
"Touch me I yell rat", the skunk threatened. Predictably the barman muttered and walked across the room to pick up the phone.
He heard a female voice on the end of the transceiver. "Hullo. Is that Henry Broshinski ? The devilishly handsome skunk arguing with the bartender ? The one in the red shirt with the blue tie"?
The bartender gulped. "Yes it is". He put down the phone only for it to start ringing again. On the other side of the room Johnny James Johnson changed his voice from a high-pitched feminine coo to a deep growl with hints of Russian hit man.
"Hello ! Is this the idiot who won't let into La Dela"?
The bartender smashed the phone down and raced over to JJJ. "Your reservation has been kept".
"I know", the skunk answered with a smile.
Tod was having a bad day. He had been arrested by officers from another precinct and placed in the cells. He was currently waiting for his boss to call in and get his butt off the bench.
"Hey look, it's one of those ZPD Coppers"! One detained criminal whispered to another.
"Let's get him"! Another said cracking his knuckles.
As they advanced towards him he remembered the smiling face of the skunk who had gotten him into this shit in the first place.
"I fake all my bills. I evade taxes. I hide things from my parents. I live with my parents. I work at Burger Alpha which is three hours away from my home. I robbed a granny yesterday"-
JJJ cut short the third interview. "Look I'm sorry, but your future doesn't look too bright".
The third interviewee was an adorable little weasel who JJJ had convinced into spilling the beans. He wore a coat several times too big for him.
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but because I know everything I can't leave you in good conscience without giving you this vital piece of information. Your life is gonna be shit. I'm looking at eight hours of sitting where I am, covering my tail and getting a decent wage while I miss months of work."
Johhny James Johnson snapped his fingers. "You're hired".
Officer Tod's day had gone from bad to worse. He was released from the precinct center for causing Minor Bodily Harm to a pair of assailants. His boss had called in and he had been released. Now all he had left to do was find the piece of shit who had done this to him. And to be honest it was hard to miss the broken down car as it traveled in a rickety line right down the road. The great brown bear cracked his knuckles, and got his taser ready.
The car was parked or rather crashed into the garage. The thing wasn't even open ! The great brown bear stepped gingerly over the tiny fence, and tip toed over to the door. He kicked it open only to receive a frying pan to the schnoz. That was enough to take out any bear.
Johnny James Johnson dialed the police again. "Excuse me, ZPD right ? Yeah one of your officers was in my toilet. He tasered himself I believe. I think he's your garbage ? An Officer Tod"?
The skunk was too clever for the world, or rather too lucky to be believable. But ladies and gentlemen it's all true.
Footnote: What up guys ? This was just a little side project I thought I'd do, mainly for humor purposes.
It's basically an introduction to my Zootopia OCs, Officer Tod and Johnny James Johnson, who I will be making short stories of from time to time when I get bored.
Anyways I hope you had a laugh and Update soon.