Please Note: I wrote this many many years ago, when I was feeling very alone and in need of desperate help.
I'm smiling... as usual... I feel like it's a nice look for me... very pretty...
I always liked looking at knive's. The shining metal, the ridges of the blade and the warm wooden handle... they always seemed like such delicate objects. Even more delicate than humans, sadly, humans aren't so hard on the outside. Our skin is weak, our bones are nothing and our emotions are our true flaws. Nothing more than a simple kitchen knife, which is us, and the sharp blade that can pierce through our body's with ease, life.
Life can take out our beings really quickly, easily, very fragile are we...? I feel that way all the time. Never really wanting to break out of my fantasy life. The knife is something I don't want to encounter, but I guess. I'm encountering it right now, aren't I? Sigh, I always loved this corner of my room. Most comfortable for when I am sad, it makes me feel safe. Safer than anything. I push my naked back against the cold wall, I look into knife's blade again.
Ah. I was always prased on my body. Not too fat and not too skinny... but, in my eyes... I never liked it. It was too fat in places, it was too skinny in places. Just, everything but perfect. Especially my face... my cheeks. They're too fat. Too chubby... I feel a pinch and something slide across on of my cheeks slowly, it's painful... not too much but painful none the less... it was the knife...
The knife knows... it knows I'm not happy... my blood stains the tip of the knife, running down the blade and my face. I can taste it. The blood rolling down my face into my mouth, it tastes so sweet, but I can't help but cry. With a smile on my face, I begin to lick the dripping blood, at least as much as I can get. The mixture of blood and tears sustains my hunger. I'm happy.
It's not really just my fault my body is so ugly, it's weak. It's weak and it always has been, I can hardly walk in winter for fear of breaking my bones. They freeze up in winter... unable to move and see what all the other kids saw in my street. I wish I could go out and play with them without getting pain in my legs and sickness from the winter... I just want to be normal, but... I can't have that...
A sharp pain strikes one of my legs, it burns, it hurts, it stings and above all... it feels great...
The knife... the knife fixed me again... it's making me bleed again... it knows I want better legs. Better health. A better life. My leg is soon covered in a coat of deep red. My blood, it smells so sweet... I pull the knife out of my leg... it stings... I'm so greatful for this knife helping me... please knife... free my other leg too... The knife quickly obeyed my request and began to fix my other leg. With a smile on my face, I pull the knife out on my leg and I look into it's now... bloodstained blade. I'm so happy...
The pain suddenly moves, up to my chest... right... I'm too emotional... my heart is weak... the blade will fix it... I know it will... I'll become stronger... soon enough...
Warm liquid drips and slithers down my body... over my breasts, my stomach and eventually wrapping around my waist... like a dress... a dress... I must look so pretty... I want to sigh, but... I stop myself. I must stop myself... the knife knows this... I must stop... the cold metal touches my neck... softly... my voice... nobody wants to hear it... nobody... I should fix it...
Yes, please knife... fix it... quick... it's the last thing I ask for... you've made me so much better, just one more thing... I know I'm asking for a lot... please... I'll never ask for anything again if you do me this one favour... the knife stopped moving... I stopped moving... my eye lids growing heavy... so heavy... maybe I did ask for too much... maybe I really am just that selfish..?
The knife rests in my lax hand by my body, how lovely... he's going to keep me company... for the rest of my days here... it wont be long, I promise you knife. I feel warm... sleepy... and... sad...
The happiness I once felt while the knife was assisting me... has changed, why? Why am I so upset now? Knife please, I don't understand... I never did anything wrong... did I?
Wait... wait I did... I did something wrong...
I'm crying... I shouldn't be crying... that's not who I am...
I must be who everyone wants me to be... I see...
The knife was just testing me... ha ha... ha ha...
I see...
My eyes close, the warmness around me slowly fading into cold shivers, the room feels so cold... as do I. For one last time, if someone were to see me in this state, I must show them what they assume they will always see... I must...
With once last smile on my face, I die.
Please. Don't ever try or think about suicide. There are lots of different people that can help you, and bring you out from hiding how you truly feel. Don't hide it. Seek help. People are there for you.