"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens."
-Fran Lebowitz
A is for Android 16
Android 16's base programming is stolen from that of Android 8. However, where Dr. Flappe intended for his creation to be genuinely concerned about his own actions, Dr. Gero was more focused on creating a simple façade of interest that 16 would be able to break out of once pushed past a certain level of damage.
16's original battle programming, on the other hand, was modeled after what tidbits of power Dr. Gero was able to record from Son Gohan. The ideal plan for 16 was to begin the battle with average power, to throw Son Goku off balance and persuade him into mercy when 16's face is ground into the dirt; followed by a vicious, enraged, all together animalistic counterattack while the hated man's back is turned. But, Gero gets stuck at convincing 16's AI that it is logical to become enraged when one has been spared, and 16 is resealed.
16 knows this, and believes that if the real thing is anything like his emulated latent power, then Cell is in for one hell of a ride.
B is for Bardock
When his sons die, Bardock is there to greet them. He smacks Raditz upside the head for being such an idiot. Not only for dying, but for letting himself be killed by a Namek of all things, and for not even considering that he should reason more with his brother. In the past, sure, it would have been standard to destroy a defector such as Kakkarott, but this isn't the past, and somehow Raditz seemed to have forgotten that there were only four known full breeds left alive; Now two, because he'd been an idiot.
Bardock also yells all this at the top of his lungs.
Raditz then punches his dear old dad in the face, kind of because he doesn't want advice after he's dead, but mostly just because he can, and it feels damn good.
Bardock knees his son in the gut.
Raditz hands out a roundhouse kick to the side.
And before they know it, they're going at it like they haven't seen a battle in a month, completely unaware that Kakkarot has already left, and they don't stop until the Enma sends the ogres to separate them. And then it starts back up again once they're down in hell, because there's no one to separate them there, and that's the best part.
They stop for a second time because they're both face-first in the dirt, and they've each got more broken bones than unbroken ones and because Raditz can't see anymore, and down in hell, healing takes a long, long, long time.
"You know," Bardock begins conversationally, "Even if you've got that girly hair, I still think you're my favorite brat."
Raditz tries to kick him.
Bardock just laughs.
C is for Cooler
Despite being light-years stronger than his younger brother at birth, Cooler was disowned by King Cold the second that Freiza's chubby face first opened its eyes. It had something to do with Cooler bursting from his egg while he was still inside his mother and consequently ripping her insides to shreds. While King Cold hadn't really harbored any true love for her, she had had the potential to create some very powerful offspring that would pass on the Cold name in honor, so her death was something of a blow to his plans.
When Freiza's mother, a rather small thing, spat out Frieza's egg, King Cold snapped her neck for failing to produce a child as strong as Cooler. Frieza never did seem to understand that it was his own weakness that had caused his mother's death, much like how Cooler's strength had caused his own mother's demise; and for that, Cooler hated him.
But for some reason that he could never understand, Frieza, the weaker, was allowed to remain by his father's side while he is banished to a far-flung galaxy.
This is why he chases Son Goku to earth. Why he tries to eradicate the saiyan's offspring, his friends, his planet. The saiyan stole his one chance to kill Frieza and regain his rightful place as his father's favorite.
D is for Dende
In the aftermath of Cell, Dende decides that he needs to learn more, much more, about the earth if he's really going to be able to serve as its resident god. Living within the Briefs' protective walls for a year had taught him some things, like how to play cards, how to be a proper golf caddy, and how to keep a dinosaur from using you as a chew toy, but he had learned very little about the people of his planet in general.
He asked Piccolo, but he knew even less.
So Dende turned to Gohan, who, as an Earth native, should know everything that needed to be known about the planet; should being the key word. And while the hybrid could easily rattle off his planets circumference, its distance from the sun, the amount of woodland that covered the planet, the total population, the number of animal species present, etc, he didn't know all that much about the people. (Well, it was understandable, Dende had rationalized. Gohan didn't live in the middle of a city like the Briefs)
But all was not lost, because Gohan had an idea!
It took a lent cap and hoodie from Kuririn, along with some serious searching for pants that actually fit the earth's god and a little bit of creativity with Gohan's homework (read: copying the answers from the back of the book), but in the end, the earth's guardian and its savior found themselves at the Satan City Fair with nothing to do but observe the people.
Well…and ride the roller coaster. And eat the cotton candy. And clear out all the vendors of their prizes. And laugh their way through the haunted house. And run away screaming from the clowns. And wonder why the bearded lady looks so much like a cross between Dodoria and Zarbon. And ride the roller coaster some more.
Okay, so Dende could have just asked Mr. Popo. But Popo knows that even the earth's god has to be a kid once in a while.
E is for Erasa
Erasa was first introduced to Videl as her Math tutor. Videl had been failing out due to a sudden rise in crime and a sudden drop in her attendance, and a tutor had suddenly become necessary. Instead of hiring a professional, Mr. Satan had deemed having one of her classmates a good move for Videl's public image, and she hadn't really cared either way.
But when she got stuck with a blond bombshell who just would not shut up about how cute some of the guys in her class were, Videl was pretty sure there had been a mistake. Short on both sleep and patience, Videl told her tutor as such, and was subsequently subject to one of the most grueling math sessions in the history of creation. Somewhere between her head being squeezed with asymptotes and matrices, Videl made a mental note to never, ever comment on Erasa's blondness again. Ever.
And then, gradually, she found herself sitting with Erasa's group at lunch, mostly because it beat sitting in the corner and glaring at people. Sure, she wasn't dishing out fashion advice and boy solutions, but it was a start.
In all, Erasa's rather proud of herself, not only having transformed Videl from an antisocial mess into the quiet yet kind celebrity, but Videl aced math. In all, a job well done, and a good hundred hours of community service in her pocket.
F is for Fasha
Fasha hates Raditz. And by extent, she hates Kakkarot, even though she's never met the brat. But she loves Bardock. And Bardock thinks she's hot, she knows she's hot, and for a while, he had the habit of calling her to his quarters to "discuss strategy".
But one time, her stomach began to swell. She spent the rest of the day training, and somehow, one of her opponents just happened to get a solid elbow to her stomach in.
Fasha doesn't know how Bardock found out about the fetus, and she doesn't know how he found out about the opening she left for that elbow, but she does know that he wants kids and she doesn't. She does know that the wrench who finally bore his brats is one of the weakest things she's ever seen, and that the strain of popping out Kakkarot killed her.
But the bitch is in heaven, (stupid goody-goody and her track record. She'd been too weak to be a warrior, had been nothing but a breeder, and they let her into heaven!) so Fasha's sure she doesn't notice when one day down in hell, Fasha jumps Bardock; Too bad, because she would have loved to rub it in her face.
G is for Goku
At the time of his death, Goku is the oldest mortal on the planet and the oldest man to ever live, period. He lives to be just over a thousand, beating out Roshi a good three hundred years and Pan by something around the eight hundred mark. Baba snatches the title of oldest human period out from under him by default since she's effectively immortal and all (and...he's saiyan and therefore not really human), but he doesn't mind, because being that wrinkled would gross him out.
Not that he really spent all his mortal time on earth. Bugging Vegeta –who seemed almost too comfortable in heaven- was way too much fun to give it up for the duration of his Kaioshin-boosted lifetime. Enma would make the interns try to shoo Goku out of heaven whenever he hung around too long. He's just sadistic like that. After sitting behind a desk for all that time you would be too.
H is for Hercule
Once upon a time, there was a little boy who wanted to grow up and be a super-destructo robot.
He didn't get his wish, mostly because two weeks later he decided that he wanted to be a fighting legend instead. He stuck with this one longer, mostly because the kids in his class didn't laugh at it as much. It was kinda hard though. Sure, he was big enough to beat up the kids two grades above him, but that didn't mean he could actually do it. And people had a tendency of ignoring him whenever he started telling them about the time he'd wrestled with a dinosaur, or the time he'd saved that poor old lady from the robbers at the bank.
Plus, with a name like Herman Satan, he wasn't getting anywhere fast with the cool kids.
And then fate gave him a wakeup call. Well…except fate's name was actually Penelope, and it was more of an elbow to the gut than an actual call. Apparently, he'd knocked into one of her friends and forgotten to apologize. She was a student under the Serpent master, Nagini Hebi, was fairly shorter than him, and he hated her guts until the hormones kicked in. Well, then he still thought he hated her guts, but he was suddenly a lot more appreciative of her curves. He said as much, she snorted, and life moved on.
She went on to serve and protect; he skipped university and after two years of straight training under King Chapa, he went on to try and make his name at the 23rd Tenka'ichi Budokai. He didn't make it past the qualifying rounds, but looking back on it, he doesn't mind, because he was allowed to evacuate with everyone else when it looked like that Majunior fellow was gonna kill them all.
Which is how he meets her again.
He's still getting over his broken ribs from the tournament, and she's suffered a concussion from the line of duty and amongst the throngs of desperate people flooding the hospital for shelter, they somehow end up sharing a room. He can't boast as much as he wants, because his ribs are still killing him, and it hurts to laugh, but she's been hitting the morphine button a little too much and admits that she likes him better this way and…well…
Nine hours later, ribs be damned, he's pinning her to a wall and whispering something naughty in her ear.
Nine months after that, she's screaming enough curses at him that the doctor can barely hear the baby's wail over the whole mess.
Nine weeks later, they're planning a shotgun wedding.
Nine years after that, he and Videl wave goodbye to Mama for the last time.
Nine seconds after the phone call, Herman roars, because she's not coming back, and now he's alone with Videl, and he doesn't know what to do, and her favorite cereal was Lucky Charms, and his janitorial work isn't going to support them both, and she hated the name Penny, and she'd wanted to enter the tournament and honor her old master, and how was he going to tell Videl, and life wasn't fair, and he was a man dammit and men didn't cry, and her favorite Disney movie of all time was Hercules…!
Nine minutes after he picks himself off the floor, Hercule decides to enter the Tenka'ichi Budokai. He wins.
I is for Icarus
Technically speaking, Icarus is Shenron's big brother. There was a period in Baba's life where she thought she'd make a good Kami. Between her, Piccolo and Garlic, the three of them made up one of the oddest candidacy rosters for Earth's guardian since the beginning of time. One of the earlier tests to prove their worth was to create their own set of dragonballs, and of course, the dragon that went with them.
Garlic's dragon is black and purple, and proclaims himself to be Dark Shenron and that he will now proceed to send his minions to–
Well, nobody knows what, because Mr. Popo destroys the dragon, Garlic is deemed unworthy as successor to the throne of God and is unveiled as a successor to the demon clan. The violent aftermath leaves Mr. Popo with an ugly scar and permanent baldness, Piccolo with a hate for those who think themselves powerful enough to take what they want by force and Baba with second thoughts about taking the world on her shoulders.
Piccolo's dragon is a vibrant red and gold, and outwardly, nothing appears wrong. But the current Kami can feel the evil energy within, and before a wish can be made, he dismisses the dragon and hides the balls away, warning Piccolo that although his intentions are pure, he must expel the hate that now lurks deep in his heart if he wants to watch over the earth.
That leaves Baba. Her dragon does not rise into the sky, and unlike the seven balls for Piccolo's dragon and the six for Garlic's, hers comes only with one massive orb. The purple creature is pleasantly plump, quite young, and obviously very happy to meet them all, seeing as he tackles Mr. Popo to the ground and gives him a lick bath.
But no one can get him to speak, much less grant any wishes, and Kami deems that Baba's heart is not devoted enough to watch over the Earth. Unlike Garlic, she really doesn't mind, so she packs her bags, and takes her dragon with her. After all, it's only a baby, and no one can really expect such a small thing to survive in the world all by its lonesome.
She tries telling this to herself a century or two later, when the thing has progressed into toddler-hood and is destroying any and everything it sees when teething. When Baba has gone through her seventh crystal ball in two days, she decides that enough is enough, and pulls a favor with Kami, the new one, who has since renounced the name Piccolo and adopted the title of his position as his new name.
Kami agrees to help, if nothing else because Baba is one of the few living humans he knows personally, and sets the nameless dragon up with a pair of dinosaur foster parents. As long as the lone dragonball remains glowing, Baba knows that her dragon is still summoned and alive, so she doesn't think much of the thing for another three or four centuries.
Well, not until she's visiting Roshi, and the thing comes barreling through his front door to tackle her. The young Gohan doesn't stop apologizing for a good couple of minutes, and by then, Baba has already filled up her quota of laughter for the next century or so. Of course it's the son of Goku that's a playmate to an eternal dragon. Of course.
Kuririn just makes a mental note to ask Master Roshi is Baba is feeling alright.
J is for Jeice
Whereas Guldo collects rocks, Recoome collects drinks, Burter collects scarves and Ginyu collects bodies, Jeice collects accents.
He makes it a point to learn a planet's accent when they arrive to clear people out. No matter how well a race can speak Galactic, there's always a twinge or two, the slur of an 'r', the omission of a 'b', anything and everything, he collects them and remembers them. He thinks it's funny to switch accents when he's in the middle of killing an opponent. Eight times out of ten, his opponent's confusion gives him an opening big enough for him to kill the guy.
On Namek, somewhere between adopting Vegeta's guttural Saiyan and the bald one's trembling Earthian, he's killed. But he doesn't mind that he's lost his chance, because they sounded stupid anyway.
He is pissed about dying though…
K is for Kuririn
Kuririn is a soda addict.
Alcohol in general makes him nauseous, though he thinks living in a rather strict temple for the first twelve years of his life may have had something to do with it. So whenever Roshi makes a trip to shore for a pack of beer, he always brings back a large amount of Coke as well. It gets to the point that when he's enroute to Namek, Gohan and Bulma have to pull him away from the navigation systems when the soda withdraw hits him too hard.
He meets #18 again when he's buying a soda.
He's a Coke fan, and she prefers Pepsi. They spend a whole fifteen minutes going back and forth over which is better. It dissolves into the question of why is an android drinking soda in the first place, and then into how she's been, which she says she might answer if he admits that Pepsi is better. Which he doesn't, because that's totally not true, and he tells her as such. She laughs, kisses him again, and leaves.
L is for Launch
Bulma is the one who tells Launch that Tienshinhan is dead. Somewhere around the third straight minute of swearing, she hears a sneeze and is treated to a much louder and longer wail. After a few more minutes of sniffling on Launch's end, Bulma casually mentions that Goku and Kuririn are holed up in West City Hospital, if she'd like to pay them a visit.
She has wait a few days until she can get a job from the trucking company which actually gets her to West City, but she manages it. But by the time she's there, Kuririn is gone, and its just Goku and his son who no one thought to tell her about.
"So I heard ya got ruffed up"
"Mmhmm"
"Heard some people died" the kid stiffens.
"Yeah"
"Heard they can't be wished back" the kid excuses himself.
"Well…"
So she hears this crazy story about the kid, Kuririn, and Bulma going to a new planet to ask if they could use their dragonballs. And she volunteers to go. Goku says no. She sneezes, and that's the end of it.
Bulma calls her a year later. Tells her that they're going to wish Tienshinhan back to life, and asks if she wants to join them. She turns down the offer, says that it's more fun to track down the oaf herself. In reality, she never does, kind of because its getting obvious that he really doesn't want to be found, and kind of because she never made it to that crazy planet. It's stupid, but after backing down like that…facing Tienshinhan, a warrior who gave his life for the planet, just doesn't seem right.
But when the Cell games start playing on the T.V. and she sees the doofus getting beat up by some mini-clone of that monster, the shame doesn't stop her from grabbing her gun and shooting the T.V. Honestly, the things some channels will do for ratings. Showing guys get beat up? That's low even for them.
She sends a get well soon card anyway. And somehow, he gets it. And is left very, very confused.
M is for Master Roshi
Contrary to popular belief, Roshi is actually pretty good with the ladies. Or was. At one point. A very long time ago. But the point is that he scored big time multiple times, and of course, there was always a slip up here and there. A child or two or three or fifty who grew up without knowing that their dad had passed them up for hanging out with a turtle.
But he kept track of those kids, sent them a mystery gift or two when it was their birthday, because once the wrinkles appeared and the students stopped coming in droves, there really wasn't all that much else to do except watch reruns of his favorite exercise program. And then, out of lack of better things to do again, he watched their kids. And then their kids. It got to the point that by around the fifth or sixth generation, Baba stopped lending her ball out to Roshi because there were just too many of them.
So he let a few go, like all those years ago when he'd had a pair of rabbits (which hadn't stayed a pair for very long), forgot about the lawyers and the doctors and the scholars who were the branches in his family tree. But he kept track of the ones who needed a nudge or two in the right direction every once in a while; the criminals, the drunks, the parentless…
Kuririn is the only one of Roshi's descendants who ever lives with him.
N is for Nappa
Nappa dies on his 50th birthday. He doesn't know it, because few saiyans remember or are ever told the date of their birth, plus, all the cryo-sleep he's undergone for spaceflight hasn't helped him any in figuring out the matter.
Not that he really cares how old he is.
But what he does know is that his healing rate wasn't getting any better, and the aches in his limbs were probably never going to go away. That limp he tried to get fixed didn't really get any better, and his tail was still missing a good chunk from all those years back when Freiza had still had to "discipline" him on occasion.
He also knew that Frieza doesn't appreciate old warriors. At all.
So, he's pissed as hell at Vegeta for killing him because he couldn't take down Kakkarot, but at least…it's a saiyan death. He wasn't left at Freiza's mercy, donated to some scientific lab because he'd been deemed too old to fight in the tyrant's army. He died on the battlefield, which is where he'd been aiming for his whole life.
He's still pissed though.
O is for Ox King
It's a tough thing, dealing with death in the family. His wife left him the same day she gave him Chi-Chi, and it took a long, long time for him to get over it.
When Gohan comes home from the Cell games, alone, clothing ripped, and skin still holding faint tinges of red to mark where blood has hastily been wiped away, his heart almost breaks. When his grandson drops the bombshell, that Goku is dead and that he's not coming back again, it really does shatter. Partially because Goku was a good person, and he'll be missed, and partially because that's his daughter who's just been widowed for good, and partially because it's his grandson that's looking so lost and wondering how he's supposed to make it better. Ox doesn't have the heart to tell Gohan that nothing he can do will help, so he doesn't.
Ox doesn't leave the Son household for a good month or two, simply because they need him. He helps with the cooking, steals Gohan away from his books for a breath of fresh air, pats Chi-Chi's back when she's throwing up in the morning and far too melancholy because she knows the reason why. He does everything that Goku should have been doing, and bit by bit wishes that the man had thought things through just a little more.
But he doesn't say this out loud, because that'd just be the nail in the coffin. By the time Chi-Chi is six months pregnant, Gohan has buried himself in a hastily found job, and Chi-Chi has given up on making him study. Another three months, and Ox is about ready to call in Baba and beg for some advice.
He doesn't have to, mostly because of a frantic call from Gohan that Chi-Chi has gone into labor and help would be greatly appreciated like…now.
The only reason the Ox king was ever able to deal with the death of his wife was the fact that she'd left him Chi-Chi, and he clung to her with all he had; protected her from dinosaurs, beheaded bandits, given her armor that could strike down even the strongest man. Gazing down at the infant Goten, snuggled between the world's strongest boy and his mother, the Ox king is happy to note that the same is true here as well.
P is for Pan
Until she was ten, Pan really didn't know she was the daughter of the man who saved the world. She knew she was the granddaughter twice over of the men who had saved it, but for all intents and purposes, her Papa just had a really big brain.
But then there's one day when she's out with Mama shopping for her Papa's birthday. One moment she's skipping along with her ice cream, and the next she's waking up with the worst headache since ever, these strange guys looking at her like a piece of meat, and her hands and feet bound with duct tape; which is dumb, because it really doesn't take that much strength to break out of duct tape. She spends a few minutes grumbling to herself about how stupid she is, and how neither one of her grandpas would be caught dead being kidnapped by guys who use duct tape of all things.
So she sighs, and she's just about to crack out of the stuff when the room's door gets blown open. For a second she thinks that its Grandpa Satan, but then she thinks it looks more like Uncle Goten, before she finally realizes that its her Papa; The same Papa who Uncle Goten complains about all the time because Grandpa Goku never made him train; The same Papa who Mr. Vegeta claims is an embarrassment to the fighting prowness of the saiyan race. And by the time she's at that conclusion, Papa has already thrown one guy into the wall, brought another one down with an elbow to the gut, and taken the third guy down with an uppercut to the chin.
He then spends ten minutes fussing over every single bump and bruise and cut and scrape. He's her Papa after all, he's allowed to do that kind of thing (not that she has to appreciate it…). When she asks why he never fights like Grandpa Goku does, he only smiles and says that he's glad she's alright.
She never does get her answer.
Q is for Queen Vegeta
The thing about being queen of a warrior race is that by default, you're expected to royally suck at being a mother. And Queen Vegeta never really defied that stereotype. She beat her son for being weak, held back his meals if he complained of pain, tossed him into walls if he talked back to her. By saiyan standards, sure, she was great. But down in hell, she's drafted into a support group for mothers of murderous and obnoxious bastards (MMOB), and she learns that the galactic norm is that mothers love and care for their children, packing their lunches for school (a concept that had to be explained to her on several occasions, but that she never quite grasped), showing affection when putting them to sleep (again, she saw no point, as they would still be there in the morning…most likely), and comforting them when they were hurt (a sure sign of weakness).
In all, she failed the compassion test, but she didn't really care. Sure, Frieza's mother reformed and was granted parole, and the ogres in charge of the session told her that she had the potential to do the same, but none of it made any sense at all. None. Children who were coddled would become weak, and in the end, weak children ended up hurt and usually dead, so then why bother? Why not save affection for when it was deserved instead of giving it freely? Why not show you cared by training your offspring so that they would never have to worry about being harmed? It really didn't make much sense.
But still, she's the only one with bragging rights, because in the end, her little Vege-kins (she'd been forced to come up with a nickname during session number five, and she thought that the label mocked his short stature quite well) was the one up there in Heaven, while all those other mothers had to rot in hell with their spawn. Hah, so much for reform. Nappa's mother wouldn't stop slapping the poor man.
Vegeta does visit her one day. He snorts, and says that her face is holding together pretty well for being so old, and she replies that he looks far too soft and that her half-breed grandchildren better be the strongest brats since creation if he ever wants to think about tasting her cooking again. He shrugs and says he'll think about it, though he wouldn't want to die from having to taste her foul food, so maybe he'll just let them get soft. But he does promise to drag the boy, Trunks, down here some time, if nothing else so that he can see what a hag his grandmother is.
The Queen smiles sweetly and allows herself to say that it'd be quite nice to meet her darling grandson. The look on Vegeta's face leaves her with enough laughter to last the next century.
R is for Recoome
Recoome is actually one eighth saiyan. His great grandfather was a saiyan elite who had way too much to drink and managed to breed with four different species in one night. Unwilling to be chained to the Saiyans, Recoome's great grandmother, Cream, fled the planet that night with the help of the saiyan consort who had entertained the elite before her. Nine months later, both women gave birth.
Cream's child, unwilling to hide from the saiyans on a dairy farm, joined Freeza's army in order to train until the Saiyans couldn't touch him or his mother. He failed in both aspects, but produced a child before he was killed. During the interval between his father's death and his own enrollment in Freiza's army, the son lived on the decomposing body of his father. The joke was that his breath was so bad that it could kill. Something clung genetically, and Recoome's first burp as an infant killed the entire medical room.
The consort's child, a pure-blood saiyan, eventually filled his father's position as commander of the Saiyan army, as did the child's son, Brassic, and his offspring, Nappa.
S is for Snake
Princess Snake hates men. Kinda. Unless they're cute and young. If you ask her about it, and she's not hungry enough to eat you, then she'll shrug a little and tell you a story.
Once upon a time, she was the princess of her race, the Jamajins. Or, well, as much as you could be princess of a race of space pirates. Her homeworld was a barren asteroid that housed only a simple medical facility, the both the birthplace and final resting place of every Jamajin by law. Otherwise, how else were they supposed to keep track of everyone? Originally, they'd had a pretty nice homeplanet, but it'd been abandoned when the saiyans had attacked in the search for a new home world. Eventually, they'd decided on planet Plant, but not before rendering planet Jama inhabitable.
And she'd been fine with flying around the galaxy in her father's flagship, robbing and marauding, and reveling in the thrill of it all. The galaxy was still in its infancy, and few races had developed the technology to speed around the stars as they did. So once they were clear of the atmosphere, they usually had a clean getaway.
She had everything she'd ever wanted. A pet viralu from planet Beast, the newest games from planet Akihara, all the clothes she'd ever need from planet Shibuya, and a cute little robot from planet Lagaan. As long as she pulled off the jobs quickly and took responsibility for whatever went wrong, her father, the King, didn't mind the pit stops.
But apparently, the crew did. One day, there's a mutiny which cuts the ship's population in half, leaving her father dethroned and out the airlock, and a new King in his stead, Bojack. In order to…assert…his new position, or maybe just to grow himself a new following, he rapes every woman on the ship, including the former princess.
Nine months later, the ship stops at their asteroid homeworld. Snake names her twins Mamba and Zangya, and she vows that Bojack won't get her hands on either of them.
It kind of works. Bojack takes Zangya, but she manages to escape the asteroid with Mamba just before Bojack blows it up, and tries to spend the rest of her life staying as far away from Bojack as she can. But it gets difficult. By the time Mamba is five, Bojack's reputation of pillaging planets and then destroying them is so infamous that people take one look at her skin and hair and bar her entry from their ports. So she makes a stop on a planet with a reputation of being very "spiritually advanced". From there, she makes her bargain with the gods.
The guys in charge wanted to seal Bojack away and keep him from destroying any more planets. Problem was, they needed two people related to him to serve as the lock and key to his chains. It's almost too perfect to be true. Zangya is stuck inside with Bojack, the lock which holds the chains together. Mamba is the willing half, the key which keeps the lock closed. Snake even manages to pull out a promise that she'll be allowed to stay with her Mamba and live in luxury.
So Bojack and Zangya are sealed within the North Kaio's planet, along with Bujin, Bido and Kogu, the three of Bojack's followers deemed the most dangerous. Snake and Mamba settle down in their palace, and the ogres go so far as to name the path which connects the check-in area with North Kaio's planet after her, probably because Snake has taken up a new hobby, stealing men. Not one of them gets anywhere close to her bed, she usually eats them, but still, it's a lot more fun than sitting around and doing nothing. She teaches Mamba some sorcery, but that's about it. She figures her life will be uneventful hereafter.
Then Goku, stupid stupid (but oh so cute) Goku blew up the planet and broke the seal. She would've killed the man if he hadn't already been dead. She sends Mamba to clean up the mess and turn Bojack into a frog or something, but Goku's son beats her daughter to it, and that's the last Snake sees of Mamba for a while. Well, she figures, she's got pirate blood in her, of course she'd want to do some roaming around before heading home.
When Mamba finally does come home and tells her all about the brats who cut her hair, "Goku and Puck! Ugh, I hate those two!" Princess Snake can't stop laughing for days.
T is for Trunks
Despite his mother's complete and utter failure at the art of cooking, Trunks is actually fairly adept in the kitchen. Scrambled eggs are his specialty, and he likes to think that his rice is even better than ChiChi's. True, his creations don't always turn out like a five star meal, and they don't have that particular grace or flare that you'd find in a high class establishment, but they get the job done. He doesn't go hungry and whenever his grandma is out of town, his meals are a much healthier substitute than the toxic waste-dump his mom tries to pass as chicken.
Sure, there was that time when he and Goten tried to make "DINO SUSHI!!", complete with capitals and exclamation point, but he was seven and he likes to think he's grown up since then
All things considered, Gohan is proud of his culinary student. (After all, you don't live with Master Chef ChiChi for eighteen years and not pick anything up)
U is for Uub
There's a story in Uub's home village about Pavan, the mystic who spirits away young children with his powers of the wind. As far as the story goes, a child who disrespects his elders and seeks no penance for the act will be visited by the image of a kind man, who will promise whatever the child wants to them, as long as they follow him.
And then, if they do so, they'll be lifted up by the spirits and their childhood stolen away, left to live out the rest of their lives as decrepit old men.
So, when Uub returns home ten whole years after the tournament that he left for, catapulted from a child of ten to a man of twenty, with the weight of the world on his shoulders and the power to match, he suddenly feels like the myth is a lot more real than he once thought it was.
V is for Videl
Hands down, the weirdest day of Videl's life was May 7th, 774. Not only did she find out that the first guy she'd genuinely liked (as in liked liked) was half-alien, but she had to live through his death, she evil incarnate and realized it was pink, died herself, and got dating advice from the friggin' King of the Demons. (who, coincidentally, was also pink)
The day after might be one of the happiest, because her mother was wandering around heaven too. Plus, not only was Videl wished back to life, but everyone else who'd died because of Buu was too, her Papa promised to try and tone down the media appearances she had to make, Gohan blushed bright enough to be confused for a stoplight and kind of sort of muttered and stuttered that yes, he liked her too, and she finally got that puppy she'd always wanted.
The day she gave birth to her first child is somewhere in between the two. On one hand, holy crap she was a mom and what was she going to do now and she was totally going to be such a bad mom and her poor kid and why hadn't anyone told her how hard this was going to be and Pan looked so much like her mother and grandmother and father and holy crap she was a mother and dammit why was she crying!?!
…and she saw that her baby girl had a tail. Gohan muttered that he knew he'd forgotten to tell her something, and Videl realized that it wasn't a hallucination. When she woke up again, Pan was tailless, but Gohan wasn't off the hook. So he got stuck with midnight baby-care duty for a few weeks, and eventually all was right with the world.
W is for West Kaioshin
It's a ritual in the Kaioshin hierarchy that every being to ascend to the level of a full fledged Kaioshin has their hair cut in the traditional Mohawk to symbolize their status as the best of the best.
And she, being the first female to rise to the rank since time first started spinning his cogs, flatly refuses. Nobody really knows what to do for a while, since she's too strong not to initiate, but such insubordination is surely the sign of a poor ruler of the universe. There're numerous talks back and forth over the subject before the Grand Kaioshin puts his foot down and declares that enough is enough, and does a woman's hair really have anything to do with her leadership abilities? There's some grumbling done, but eventually, the West Kaioshin is formally recognized by her title.
If she'd been smart, she could have continued hiding from Buu when he made his first strike. Her speed was unmatched, even by the monstrosity, and if she'd flown as fast as she could…
But Bibidi insults her flowing locks, and that's the end of that.
X is for X
Android 10, referred to simply as X by the Red Ribbon army while in use, was a failure from the start. Dr. Frappe, who had previously been in the good graces of the army, was forced to work with the up-and-coming genius Dr. Gero. Their ideals, to say the least, were a bit conflicting. As was X's programming. By the time of his release, his mental software had been so corrupted that he was the very definition of bi-polar; cleaning the latrines one minute, using the janitor's head as a dartboard the next.
Of course, it didn't matter, because that morning, Gero went missing, and that afternoon, Son Goku stormed the base and destroyed them all.
Y is for Yamucha
He and Bulma have been broken up for a good two years when she gives him a call. It's short, sweet, and to the point. Nothing like Bulma. So he knows something's up, and he briefly entertains the idea of calling in sick to avoid going to see her. But it passes, because obviously there's something wrong, and even if she can be a moody bitch, it doesnt't mean that she deserved to be ignored.
So he shows up with a six-pack of beer and a pack of her favorite cigarettes.
She greets him at the door with a baby on her hip. He twitches and it takes all he has to keep from fainting when she says it's his.
"S-seriously?" He manages to squeak out, sounding far less manly than he's ever wanted to sound
"Of course not." She chuckles. "He's too young, and he doesn't look anything like you." She grabs the cigarettes and the beer while Yamucha's distracted, and invites him in. He doesn't move for a while, so she manages to grab him by the neck of his shirt and drag him to the living room couch, where she offers him one of the beers he just brought.
He has two questions he wants, needs, to ask, and he doesn't know which goes first. He finally goes with the one that should have a simpler answer.
"Who's the father?"
"Guess." He sighs and goes with question number two.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"You know, you're the first one I've told at all. You should feel honored." For a moment, he gapes openly.
"You haven't told the father?"
"Psh, no. He just knew. It was really freaky. One day he comes up to me and says 'Woman, you're pregnant with my heir.' And then he wouldn't let me anywhere near a cigarette for the whole nine months! Ugh, I just about died."
But Yamucha stopped listening. "It's Vegeta, isn't it?" He manages. Bulma nods, and the conversation dies. Unspoken are the words that this is the same guy who was laughing when he died. The same guy who wanted to destroy the earth, eradicate every single last one of them, burn everything down to the ground. But he's not that cruel. He gives her a hug goodbye, rustles Trunks' hair, and leaves.
The next day he comes back with a sword and a scabbard.
"Late Baby-shower gifts." He offers. He doesn't mention that he had them made to maybe hopefully give to his son one day. He doubts that he'll ever have that kid, and, well, can't let them go to waste. Trunks has warrior blood in him after all. Bulma smiles, and promises that she'll drop by his place next week and let him and Trunks get more acquainted, because she'd been thinking about godfather nominations and…
In the end, it doesn't matter, because the next day, Goku is dead and no one knows why. It doesn't matter, because in a week, the androids come out of no where and begin their reign of destruction. In one blow, both Vegeta and Yamucha are stolen away from her, and in another, Piccolo is gone forever, and with him, the hope of wishing either man back. Bulma tries to console the orphaned Gohan as he goes on about how useless he was, she really does, but her heart's not in it, because no, everything's not okay. It's not.
Z is for Zarbon
On Zarbon's homeplanet, there is only one sex. There are two sets of organs for the deed of reproduction, but in the end, one will end up on top and have their name carried on, and the other on the bottom and their stomach swelling.
There are but two rules to who goes where. Softness and Strength. The softer and more feminine the features, the more likely they will be challenged to defend themselves from another who seeks to top them. This is where strength comes in. Unless they can defend themselves, they are topped. It's simple.
Zarbon has many, many, many children, none of whom carry his name, until finally, he enrolls in Freiza's army. He trains. Works his way up. Kills a few billion life forms. Next time he meets someone from his own race, it's him on top.
Or, well, it would have been. Vegeta kills him before he gets the chance to assert his new strength.
So…my random ideas about the DBZ universe. Feel free to ask if I've made anything too obscure. We're going to ignore the fact that I added in Gohan wherever I wanted to :P Gah, I've just spent too much time on this thing…Hah, I've got some catching up to do, there's this stack of new chapters for stories I wanna read, so that'll be fun.
I don't own.