Hicks, Sticks, and Ugly Chicks
A/N: This is the first combined work of Dragonwings and Abby. Abby used to have another pen name, but she refuses to be reconnected with The Britney Spears Cliché. Ooops? Did we let that slip? We hope you enjoy our effort put into this fic. We stayed up till 3:00 AM for every day a week in a row (hey, it's Spring Break!) to work on it, and we're extremely proud. Abby also did many cartwheels in preparation for this effort. Dragonwings carved our signatures into a tree at our Grandma's house. What can we say? Just r/r, and HP 4 ever!
A man stood angrily in the middle of a crowded Muggle street in London. Confused and bored, he shifted his wait eagerly from one foot to the other. Hair unmistakably ruffled and clothes definitely worn, he looked bored, uninterested, and perhaps a little edgy. And who wouldn't be if they were in his situation? He wanted to run, go somewhere far away and never come back… perhaps the vast jungles of Borneo where the ferocious acromantula was said to reside (according to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander)…but somehow he willed himself to stay put without suffocating.
Why am I here?
He thought wearily. Why am I talking to myself? Well, at least it's not out loud. Then people would think I'm crazy… oh, right, they think I'm crazy anyway. What I wouldn't give to be back at the school… God, I've really got to get out of here and get back to the world of wizards! I hate this old Muggle town…why I come here is still a mystery. I'm in the center of London just standing here like a stupid gawking tourist. Typical. There they are: my stupid relatives. Why do I associate myself with . . .? The man was cut off in mid sentence by a terrible cry erupting from the far end of the street. Muggle heads were turning right and left to see who could be the unlucky recipient of the call. And then it hit him: the voice was calling him."Hey Sev!" A giant woman hollered in the crowded street of Muggles. "Come give your sissy a hug!" The woman waddled her enormous girth towards our hero. Smiling broadly, she scooped his tiny, pale frame in her flabby arms and nearly wrung the life out of him. Her face was bright red and rosy, and Severus could tell that his sister was wearing her Eau de flora perfume. Personally, he thought it smelled more like 'Midnight in a Garbage Can'.
"You've just got to come see all this crazy British stuff they've got up here!" she shouted jovially as she flung him back to the solid (thank God!) concrete. "Bubba's waitin' fer ya at the cabin, and so is that durned Slappy Jack. In fact, we all came from up from Arkansas just to see y'all! So, where's the missus?"
Our hero looked her in the eye while retaining his glare, "You know perfectly well I am unwed and I moved to the U.K. to escape you stupid bunch of hicks." He spat bitterly on the ground, shaking his greasy head warily. He was in for a long ride home.
"Naw, that's just nonsense. Y'know ya love us. Ya just cain't show it right! Now, let's head down to your cabin and let your sissy make some of her famous Jambalaya! It's hot n' spicy, and there ain't nothin' like it in the whole dang world!" His sister drawled ferociously. She scooped him up like a small tinker toy, flung him over her broad shoulder, and carried him towards a rickety old truck in which sat his worst nightmare – Big Mama.
The car was a red Ford pick up truck that looked as if it had been painted ten thousand times. The metal rims around the tires were worn to the core, and the rear view mirrors were so clouded with dust and dirt, not a single reflection could be seen. The back bumper was severely dented in and its right end hung dangerously off the car, swinging and bouncing with each jolt the buzzing car made. Fuzzy blue dice adorned the mirrors, the steering wheel had a pink leather cover on it, and country music was blaring as loudly as you could imagine through a radio with terrible reception.
"Doesn't it just make ya wanna square dance, Sev?" His sister replied. Severus didn't answer. He was about to lose his lunch. When he got his wits about him and was almost sure the green had left his weathered face, he replied to her.
"Ima Gene, I'd love to dance, but, ah, my feet hurt terribly. I've had a long ride from work…" Of course, that wasn't true. He'd apparated here! But it didn't matter. As long as he didn't have to square dance, it was all right.
"Uh, you wouldn't by chance still have that shotgun in the back of this vehicle, would you?" Our hero whimpered.
"You talkin' 'bout pappy's ol' gun? Yup, it's still back there. Why, Sev? You wanna take Ol' Yeller out for a hunt?" Ima shouted as the truck gave an almighty lurch. A wrinkled coon dog lay across the laps of our hero and his mother-in-law. The hideous thing drooled over Severus' only pair of Muggle clothes, soaking his entire lap. The woman beside him was just a wrinkled as the dog and she smelled strongly of malt whiskey. The truck leapt into the sky once more and this time, instead of just finding the sorry-excuse-for-a-pet in his lap, a pair of yellow and brown teeth were grinning back up at him. After Severus stopped screaming, the old lady snatched up the teeth and promptly shoved them back in her mouth. "Thanks fer findin' m' teeth, sonny. How's about a kiss for your mother-in-law as a reward!"
"No, no, that's… that's quite all right, really, mama…"
"That's Big Mama to you, hon."
"Right… right, Big Mama…"
"So how'za 'bout a kissy-poo? Come on…!"
"No, really, it's okay…"
"Naw, you know you want me t' kiss ya!" Mama leaned forward and drooled all over his face, her clammy lips pressing against his in what she thought was a moment of indescribable passion. "Awww… my wittle Sevvy is getting pretty hot there! Yer growin' up, boy!"
Severus wrinkled his nose in disgust. Oh God, he thought, please let this be over soon. If that slab of lard sitting next to me tries to snog me again, my insides won't be the only thing getting thrown out the window…
The truck rambled along, humming, clanking and sputtering. Suddenly, the engine began to choke violently. "Dangit!" Ima Gene said from the front seat, thumping the car heavily and shaking her head. Severus could hardly believe it… the car had stopped! "Sevvy, hon, why don't you go take a look at the engine and see if you can fix it?"
"Oh, all right, sister dearest," he said with fake sincerity, "I will."
Severus saw this as a good opportunity to get some fresh air. He jerked open the heavy truck's door after much strenuous pulling and finally managed to slam it shut with a huge BANG. He had to jump about five feet downwards before he reluctantly hit the ground. Apparently, he was in an undeveloped area of London. Not a single flat adorned the hillside, not even a petrol station could be seen for thousands of kilometers out. Suddenly, he lost that sense of newfound freedom and quickly replaced it with dread. How can this be? He wondered. Is this a dream? No. I'm stuck with my Arkansas relatives out in the middle of nowhere with no food but a molding pot of jambalaya and no water! There's not a drop of petrol that's going to be found around here, and if I don't do something, Mama's going to be doing a strip tease any minute now! That does NOT count as entertainment. Bloody Dumbledore! Why did you have to tell them I was on vacation?
Head foggy, he wandered over to the car's hood. With a swift tug, he pulled it open. Steam poured out in billowing clouds that enveloped his face and burned his eyes, which began to tearfully water. What was he going to do? He swatted his hand in a simple attempt to shove the smoke away, but it refused to clear for around five minutes. When the smog cleared, he was able to survey the damage. They were out of petrol, a belt looking contraption was caught on some metal thing, and… oh, it was a disaster!
"Wait!" He whispered aloud. "I can use magic!" Then it hit him: he didn't have his wand. Could things get much worse? Just to be sure, he quickly jammed his hand in his pocket. All hope was lost. "Sevvy? You getting' that there fixed? Maybe ya need another kissy from Big Mama to git ya to yer senses?" The thunderous voice bellowed from inside the truck. Severus took another look around him. Between his relatives and the vast desert where he would probably suffer for days then die slowly as the vultures pecked at him, he'd rather have the desert. Just then, Big Mama waddled out of the truck. She hit the ground with a sickening thud. Severus winced at the thought of another kiss from that hag. 'There should be a law against these people,' he thought as she heaved herself towards him. "Now why ain't you done fixin' this here contraption? Let Mama handle it, sonny," with that, she shoved him out of her way and knocked him to that good old boy-that-really-smarts concrete. 'I want to die,' he thought miserably. 'I'd rather be doing something much more productive and less torturous, like perhaps having the Cruciatius curse performed on me my You-Know-Who.'
Then, an idea stuck him. With all the sorrow he could muster he started wailing like a little child. "I wish to go back to school!" he sobbed with fake tears streaming down his dusty face. "Think off all the children I could be educating right now! Those poor lost souls!"
"School?" Big Mama asked. "What school, hon? You been outta school fer a long time now!"
"No… shoot…"
"Shoot what? Is there a bee botherin you, babe? Mama'll go get that gun and make it all better!"
"No… I didn't mean it… I, ah, work at a school!"
"What school?" Sis replied.
Now he was really in a fix. What school did he work at? "Um… St. Brutus' School for Criminally Insane Boys." He replied shakily. He admitted it, he had spent some time with Harry's Aunt Marge last summer. After all, she wasn't that bad looking, but she reminded him of his relatives…
"Ooh, St. Brutus'. Good fer you, hon. I'm sorry you miss it so much! Lemme kiss ya and make it better!"
Groan.
He thought. I was hoping they'd just take me back to school so I could get on with my life… but noooo, they've decided that a kiss makes it all better! What is with these southerners, anyway? "I need to go back to school, not be kissed!" He wailed miserably."Aww, poor, poor, poor Sevvy!" Mama said.
There was only one last hope. Severus Snape was going to take a stand. It might not be pretty, it could even get ugly, but he was going to stand up for himself. Taking a deep breath, he began. "Now, you listen to me, Mama; Sis. I'm not putting up with your lovey dovey stuff. I'm a grown man, I can care for myself. I refuse to be treated like a child! I'm intelligent, brave, quick-witted… everything you're not! How can you claim to be my relatives? That's an insult to me! Ooh, I'll blast you back to the time of Salazar Slytherin if you're not careful… we'll se what he thinks of you!" There was a long silence.
"What… what was that baby? You said you can't stand up? That there's a big bully at school who's going to blast you? Oh, no, poor honey… Mama will take care of you… and who's this girl… Lovey Dovey? Are you gonna marry her, hon? I get it… the Salamander dude likes yer Lovey Dovey… oh, hon, I'm so sorry, but you gotta admit, you ARE a little runty…" Mama replied.
Great. Just great. I finally get the courage to say something and she thinks I'm in love with somebody named Lovey, I'm getting beaten up by a Salamander… and that… oh… God know what else. Help me, Lord!!!
There was a loud clank and Mama slammed the hood shut, "She's all fired up. Give 'er a turn, Sis!" The engine roared to life and Mama scooped Severus up and tossed him in the backseat. She squished in and put the coon dog back on her and Severus's lap. "Mama, you wouldn't believe what I found in the car!" Sis exclaimed as they drove on.
"What is it, hon?"
"It was a stick! It was a righ' funny looking stick, too. It was all long and pointy. Well, I did the right thing and tossed it out the window. Ain't ya proud o' me Mama?"
My wand! "That was my, erm, lucky stick! I found it in Paris! We have to go back and get it! Please, Mama!" Severus pleaded.
"Sonny, that there was just a stick. Now you hush your mouth and be happy your Sis got rid o' that darned thing. The way your actin' you'd a thunk it was sum kinda magical wand that gave you what ya wanted!"
"But I need my lucky wand…uh…I mean stick!"
"Well fine. If yer gonna go and bawl about it. Sis, turn this here truck 'round. We need to get Sevvy's stick."
Sis turned around looking absolutely heartbroken, "But Mama, I threw that stick out just right! He don't need no lucky stick!"
Severus was running out of excuses, "But Lovey gave it to me!"
Sis hit the breaks, which caused Severus to go flying into the front seat. A terrible screeching noise erupted, and the smell of burnt rubber entered his nostrils. Two linear black marks caused by the tires' rubber stretched endlessly behind them. "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? If that there stick was from yer gurl, ya shoulda hollered! Strange gurl ya got there Sevvy," Sis chuckled as she swerved the truck around and hit the gas. Severus was tossed into the backseat right into Mama's lap.
"Now yer right where ya belong, Sevvy!" Mama bellowed as she heaved her thick, flabby arms around his skeleton body and squeezed with all her might. Severus swore he blacked out twice in five minutes and had it not been for all the bumps in the road, he never would have squirmed out of Mama's grasp. After the truck lurched to a halt (once again launching Severus into the front seat) he crawled out of the truck and hit the concrete with a thud. He saw his wand lying just centimeters away from him. Smiling broadly (several of his teeth were now missing, let's just say they were lost in a rather… erm… nasty battle with Big Mama) he reached for it, only to have it reappear kilometers down the road. Shouting and cursing angrily, he ran towards it… and he just kept on running. The wand always seemed just a few centimeters out of his grasp! Running… running… almost there… no! Wait! Come back… running… no…! Eventually, the old truck became a speck in the distance, far behind him. Without stopping to worry, he kept on running.
Severus fell onto the road face forward. He lay there, completely flat, for several moments before standing up. Waves of dizzying heat gleamed in front of him. They were so bright that he could see his reflection… er, what was left of it. There were skidded tar marks all across his face!
Suddenly, Dumbledore appeared in front of him with Severus' wand in his wrinkled hands. The old man was levitated several feet off the ground, but his silvery white hair still touched the ground in long, braided strands. "Ah, Severus, there you are!" The man called out. His eyes were shaded by his hallmark, the half moon spectacles he so frequently wore.
"What are you doing here?" Severus asked. "Why have you got my wand and when can I have it back?"
"You may only have your wand back as soon as you learn how to appreciate your family and values they serve. They are your blood, magical or not, and you must respect them for what they do." Dumbledore chided wisely with a grin.
"Appreciate? Respect??!?!? What bloody god-forsaken planet are you from?"
"I believe my ancestors were from the planet of Abertswithen, but that was quite long ago…"
"Oh, WHY do you enjoy torturing me?"
"It's not torture, it's getting to know your family. And besides, every professor does it. I helped Minerva come to terms with the fact that her family was a band of wild Neanderthals living in the South African desert with a group of monkeys wearing grass skirts! Then there was Flitwick's family who were Irish midgets trying to overthrow the government . . ."
"Alright, I get your bloody point!" Severus screamed insanely.
"Now, Severus, no rude language! I know you're a bit upset at all this and I know you wish you had been informed . . ."
"Yeah, so I could escape to France." Severus interrupted.
"Ahem, quit being irrational. All you have to do is show your relatives how much you love them and respect them and you will have your wand back." Dumbledore warned, much to Severus' chagrin.
"But they don't listen to me!" He wailed.
"Well, all Minerva's relatives could do was grunt, hoot, and holler and she taught them how to make fire and clothes! They're now part of the Ministry of Magic, and are no longer listed in the book "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them." Dumbledore smiled nonchalantly.
"I always knew those ministry officials had a screw loose…"
"If Minerva can do it, so can you! You must be on your way back to the, er, truck, Severus. Your relatives are waiting…"
"But Minerva is different! She's smart and witty and gorgeous…. Oops…." Severus felt his cheeks burn bright red. The last glimpse he saw of Dumbledore was that annoyingly familiar all-knowing smile. Then he was gone! Severus headed back to the truck, pictures of his relatives, Neanderthals, Dumbledore and Minerva… ahem… in his head.
"That's it. I hate to do this, but if Dumbledore won't help me, Voldemort will." Snape swore as he jokingly looked at the Dark Mark emblazoned on his left shoulder. He chuckled insanely as he headed back to the truck. Unfortunately, someone was already waiting for him . . .
The Mark burned a grueling black and caused Severus to collapse to his knees. He jerked his head up to see Voldemort perched happily on the hood of the dilapidated truck.
I did NOT mean for him to be here! Oh well, maybe he'll frighten them off!
Severus thought as he approached the truck where his former master sat. Nervously, he bowed at his Voldemort's feet, all the while thinking, "Please don't let him chop off my head… my neck is too vulnerable in this position…" So he made his hands to cover the back of his neck. His feet protruded largely from his quivering bulk. Voldemort gasped and resumed the same position."Where's the tornado?!??!" He cried.
"Huh?" Severus replied.
"Well, you're in the duck and cover position!" Voldemort whimpered.
"Actually, I was afraid you were going to chop off my head." Severus reluctantly admitted.
"Hey! I never thought about that!" Voldemort and Snape sat there on the pavement, squatting down on their knees like ducks and keeping their hands firmly about their neck for a matter of minutes. Then, for lack of conversation, Voldemort looked down and said, "Wow! Your feet look like mine!" Still strangely nervous, Severus cautiously replied.
"Ah, yes, sir… they certainly do!"
"See, we have the same retarded big toe, and there's a little gap between it and our next toe, and our pinky toes are about an inch thick!" Voldemort cleared his throat. Suddenly, Big Mama and Ima Gene appeared, lumbering excitedly out of the truck.
"Did ya find yer stick, Sevvy?" Mama asked.
"Er, no, Mama, I didn't, but I found…" Severus was cut off by his sister's interruption of :
"Ooh, who's dat, Sev?" Then she gasped. "Why, Mama, it's Lovey!"
Voldemort looked over at Snape.
"Actually, my name is . . . "
"Well, if ya ain't Lovey, then yer that snake, Salamander," Big Mama glared down at him, "and we gonna have to take care of ya." She pounded her chubby fist in her hand as Sis grabbed the shotgun.
Voldemort obviously didn't understand what they were trying to tell him, so he opened his mouth to once again correct them. Snape, in a wave of panic, threw his bony arms around Voldemort. "Uh, yes Mama, this is my Lovey. Uh, Lovey Dovey to be exact. Yes, dear, uh, you were just about to leave?"
"Nonsense! If dat there's yer gurl, she's gonna come home and meet the family!" Mama bellowed. Then she whispered to Severus, "She sure is right funny lookin', but you ain't no peach yer self!"
With a hearty chuckle, Big Mama scooped up Severus and Voldemort and tossed them in the back of the truck. She then wedged herself into the front seat, turned slightly around and giggled, "We'll let you two be alone fer a spell now." She promptly pulled the curtains separating the backseat from the front together. Pink and red hearts adorned the white cloth and Severus was getting more nauseous by the second.
"Listen, if we want to get out of here alive, you have got to trust me," he whispered to Voldemort.
"What in the bloody heck is going on?" Voldemort said loudly. Suddenly, Severus heard Sis talk to Mama.
"I think somethin's going on back there! Lovey just cursed and Sevvy sounds mad. Maybe I'd better check on 'em." In great haste, Severus hugged Voldemort, just as Sis' head popped through the curtain. She nodded approvingly and closed it again. Voldemort shoved Severus off him and was about to scream when Severus clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Sssh, let me explain! They think, for some odd reason, that your name is Lovey Dovey and you're going to marry me. They also think you gave me a stick, which is actually my wand. Dumbledore took it from me and wouldn't let me have it back, so I called on you, jokingly, and here you are. I couldn't come up with a better explanation of who you are, so I'm letting them think you're my Lovey. Just pretend like you're a girl and that you, er, like me a whole lot."
"Oh…my…God. How are we going to get of here? I don't deserve this. If we do get out of here alive, Severus, I'm going to kill you."
Gulp.
"My Lord, I never meant for this to happen! I swear!" Severus cried a little too loudly then fell to the floor and proceeded to kiss the hem of Voldemort's robes."Sevvy? You alright back there?" Big Mama called as she stuck her head through the curtains. In yet another wave of panic, Severus got on one knee and said, "Lovey, will you marry me?"
Voldemort paused for a moment, then said, "Yes!"
"Stop the truck, Sis!" Big Mama cried. "We're gittin' rid of a pair of skunks! Lovey, you knew Sevvy was mine, and you've crossed da line!"
Sis did as she was told and Big Mama pitched Severus and Voldemort out of the car. With a blazing screech of tires, the truck sped off.
A/N: Cliffhanger? Maybe? Well, are they going to survive on the side of the road? What adventures will they encounter on the way? Will you be reading the sequel? Many questions are yet to be answered. We have almost finished the sequel, look for it tomorrow.
Disclaimer: We own nothing. If you have a problem with that, email us at AbbyTheTabby@msn.com or Dragonwings@ididitmyway.com We also want to say that we now worship Starling and share her lovely views of Draco. ::drools on keyboard::