' "Precious, precious, precious!" Gollum cried. "My Precious! O my Precious!" And with that, even as his eyes were lifted to gloat on his prize, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then with a shriek he fell. Out of the depths came his last wail Precious, and he was gone." '
And then Sauron, atop Barad-Dur said... "Bugger it..." and in a great explosion of flame and cloud and dust was gone even as his dark tower toppled...
Actually, to be accurate the Dark Lord didn't say anything – it's amazingly difficult to say something when you are a great big flaming eye hovering in midair...but he thought it all the same.
And now Sauron opened his eyes (amazed to have two!) this didn't help whatsoever because it was so dark where he was he couldn't see a thing – nevertheless darkness was his forte... He carefully flexed his fingers (he had fingers!) prodded his hands (and hands!) felt his arms (don't forget the arms!) felt his legs (legs too!) and for some time continued to probe his body...in certain places that would be best left unsaid...
Things were going quite well – he was alone in the dark with his brand new body...ahem...yet all good things must end...
Suddenly there was a crackle...a fizz...and with a blast of neon light that almost blinded his new eyes, a huge sign formed in midair:
WELCOME TO THE VOID!
Sauron groaned with his new voice – he was in the Void! and that meant...oh no...
"Aloha!" the blackness abruptly switched to blinding whiteness and a extremely tall figure wearing a very bright shirt, excessively large sunglasses and a great big floppy black hat walked towards the stunned dark lord – he was holding two very large coconut drinks.
The bright apparition halted and furrowed his scarred brow... "Sauron? That can't be ickle Sauron can it?" his voice was deep and as hard as iron – not at all suited to his clothes.
"Hello Melkor," Sauron sighed, eternity just got a hell of a lot longer,
"Well I never – what on Middle-Earth are you doing here?"
"It's a long story, Melkor,"
"Doi! We have several thousand millennia here!"
"I'd...rather not discuss it..." Sauron's new cheeks went a tinge of pink; Melkor laughed a deep evil laugh, "C'mon wussy! Tell me tell me tell me!"
Sauron had quite forgotten how immature his former master could be out of the public eye...
"My Ring was thrown into the...fiery chasm from whence it came...and all my dominion was unmade...There, are you happy!?"
"Your ring? Ah yes...I get some news here you know? Every so often some stupid sap sacrifices himself to me and brings me news of the outside world...and then I promise to send him back as a useful servant of darkness..."
"Really? That's kind of you,"
Melkor grinned nastily, "Maybe...the last one was sent back as a rather large pig...I believe my mortal subjects need to eat?"
Sauron managed a weak laugh.
"So, as I hear it you put all your power into an earring?"
"It was a Ring!" bristled Sauron indignantly,
"That was stupid...why a ring? It would be much more useful in a sword, I've never heard of anyone cutting someone's head of with a ring, have you?"
"No..." Sauron answered shamefaced.
"And then you had your fingers cut off, didn't you?"
"Finger. By a stupid mortal!"
Melkor put on what he must thought was a sympathetic face, "Then what happened?" he asked gleefully, Sauron gritted his teeth – he really hated this evil oaf...
"My orcs killed the man who stole my ring and it fell in a river..."
Melkor tutted.
"And then I took a three thousand year nap because it was no biggy and then when I woke up I transformed into a..." Sauron looked at his former master – a giant flaming eye wasn't that flattering and anyway - what Melkor didn't know wouldn't hurt him, "a giant evil dark lord with big black armour and so on,"
"A giant evil dark lord! Hah! More like a helpless floating eye!"
Sauron groaned. Melkor looked around at the new voice, Saruman the Wizard bowed low, "My lord Melkor, mightiest of all Valar, may I introduce myself?"
Melkor looked disbelievingly at the old wizard, "No." he turned to Sauron again, "Who the bloody hell is that?"
"Oh it's Saruman – a minor Istari – nothing more than a puppet in my great plans..."
"Puppet! At least I did something rather than sit on my arse all day and order people around! Oh wait – you didn't have an arse!"
"Shut it oldie! Last I heard you were screaming like a little girl as some walking trees attacked your tower!"
"LADIES!" Melkor yelled impatiently and the squabbling dark lords quietened, "Just tell me what happened!"
"If I may tell you the truth about what really happened my lord?"
"Go ahead Sarah-man,"
Sauron opened his mouth to argue but Melkor glared at him. And Saruman recited all the events of the War of the Ring to Melkor, occasionally being interrupted and corrected by Sauron, after he had finished Melkor sat with a puzzled look on his face, "What's a hobbit?"
Sauron had to intervene – it was too embarrassing, "It is a huge, giant creature that lives in the ground, they are very strong and have hairy feet,"
"Liar!" hissed Saruman, "The only thing that's right about that is the hairy feet, they are tiny my lord hardly taller than an orc,"
"Shut up Saruman!"
"No Sauron! The darkest of dark lords Melkor needs to know the truth," he smiled smugly at the nodding Melkor.
"I like this one Sauron...why aren't you ever this polite?" Melkor asked approvingly of Saruman.
Sauron gritted his teeth, "Because I don't like licking people's shoes!" he hissed at his master.
"Now, now, Sauron be nice and anyway I don't wear shoes,"
Saruman let out a phoney laugh, Melkor narrowed his eyes, "Ok Saruman, if this is going to work you've got to crawl out of my arse,"
"Oh yes my lord Melkor, of course, anything you say!"
Sauron sighed, stuck with two buffoons – the Lord of the Rings shouldn't have to endure this...it was going to be one hell of an eternity...he had to get out...