Title: Banter Gone Wrong
Author: whatever name I'm using today
Rating: G
Summary: Inspired by Artemis' comment in Artemis Fowl, about being completely dumbfounded by Holly's comment about lollipops. My version of what happened after. Small spoiler for Eternity Code at the end.
"I don't like lollipops."
Six months later, that phrase still made Artemis' lip curl in disgust. And that by itself gave you an inclination of just how vexed he was. Artemis wasn't one to express emotion in a public manner. Really, how could he have allowed that word to be expelled from his lips? It was unbecoming of a criminal mastermind. Criminal masterminds shouldn't even be familiar with the word, let alone speak it.
It just wasn't done.
Indignation flowed through him as the memory of Captain Short's amused face replayed itself in his minds eye. Even in the midst of a kidnapping, her kidnapping, even when a Troll had just entered his house bent on destroying everything in sight, even when he had held all the cards, she had insulted him. And he, the criminal mastermind that had orchestrated the entire plan, the genius, the prodigy, had been stunned into silence, while his brain tried to think up a suitable response. None came though, and he was left staring at her with his mouth open. It was the first time that his brain had ever failed him.
His brain had never failed him before. It was a new experience. An unpleasant one, at that. One that he vowed would never happen again.
And then, as the final disgrace, when he had finally come up with something to say, that phrase came out. It was humiliating. It was unbefitting a genius such as himself.
Artemis stewed in his chair for a few minutes. What he really needed was a collection of witty responses, so that he would never be in this position again. Of course, he doubted that his brain would ever fail him again, but it was better to err on the side of caution in situations like these.
He sat there for another minute, thinking up and then discarding ideas as they came to him.
"No, not that."
"Definitely not, too unoriginal."
"My God, no."
He briefly considered just going with the classics, but then discarded that idea as well. He would not be some cheap villain who spouted off cheesy lines and swirled his black cape. He was Artemis Fowl, and he would come up with some witty repartee if it killed him. The crease between his eyes started to get thicker, and his eyebrows began to furrow. He was getting irritated.
"I don't like lollipops."
That phrase kept repeating in his mind, driving him to higher and higher levels of frustration. Finally, he sighed, and said to the empty room, "Very well. I shall take a break, and then return to this problem. I shall not be defeated."
Artemis paused briefly at the threshold. He had decoded the fairy bible, The Book, in less than a week. He had translated the Gnomish letters into English and read there what had not been seen by Humans for eons. He would not be beaten by an immature comment made by a fairy. With that thought in mind, he left the room and headed down to the kitchen, head still held high. Obviously, he was hungry.
*****
Artemis successfully stayed away from that room for a full week, always remembering other things that needed to be done instead. After a month, he had effectively 'forgotten' about the task he had set himself out to do. And when the Goblin crisis arrived, he conveniently forgot about the fact that Holly had insulted him earlier, focusing instead on saving his Father and the Lower Elements.
So Artemis Fowl was defeated, not by an army, or by one of the various governments out to get him, but by a lack of good repartee. Artemis eventually edited the entire incident from his mind, and he never gave it a second thought again. But someone did.
When he was mindwiped a year and a half later and Foaly was looking over Artemis' memories, he found it and decided that it was extremely funny. What Foaly did with that particular memory though, is another matter entirely. And the rumors that the recollection promptly ended up on every screen in Haven, and on Commander Root's and Captain Short's view screens in particular, are totally unfounded.
The End
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