Stargazing
by Pnumoman
/* Dedicated to Hikaru, for putting up with the idiot (me), and
also because if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be writing CCS fics
today. Thank you, truly, for teaching me how to be a real fan of a
series. ^^
(PS: Take a gander at some of her fics if you haven't yet!) */
***
The sun shone on the grassy fields as the cicadas hummed the
distinct sound of summer. There was gentle warmth as light as a lover's
embrace, touching and caressing, but never being overbearing. And up
above, sparse, white clouds drifted in a sea of baby blue, floating in
the heavens as green leaves swayed on tender branches, moving to the
odd breeze. Wide swaths of grass followed suit, dancing to the same
soothing rhythm, while the wildflowers, dotting the vast expanse of
overgrown grass, stood like pinpoints of bright color amongst them.
It was summer.
On a small road near a quiet country village, more a lane than
anything, a lone van sped along kicking up dust, alone between the
plains. The windows down, the gray van suddenly seemed to have sprouted
two heads, a young boy and girl's. The boy, with raven hair, sharp
features and wire rim glasses, gave a smile to his twin sister, as she
returned the favor. She had brown, unruly hair and piercing green eyes,
eyes that were lit up with happiness. And they were both laughing.
"Please don't do that, Ayumi, Kaneda."
Slowly, the two children lost their wonderful smiles, and ducked
inside once more. The quiet request from inside the van commanded
mostly with its emotionless tone; chastised, the two put back on their
seatbelts and sat with their heads slightly bowed, mood quickly
dampened.
Up front, Tomoyo slowly brought her head back forward, and
frowned slightly.
****
"Auntie Tomoyo, can we go and explore?"
The van was parked in front of the summer home, still painted a
pastel shade of yellow, the same shade from long, long ago. Nothing
much changed around here; it was all kept in pristine condition by an
obscure organization funded by the extensive Daidouji estates. Indeed,
Tomoyo's business skills were quite adequate to support this lavish
preservation, and many others besides. In any case, the keepers knew
when to recede into the woodwork, and summer vacations were a prime
time to do as such.
"Well, I see no reason not to. Do you have any objections, Li-
kun?"
"No."
"Then be back in time for dinner, children. Have fun."
Tomoyo saw them off with a smile, holding her straw summer hat
down from a renegade breeze. After the two kids ran off over the
nearest hill, she returned back to the van to unload the rest of the
luggage. There was only one suitcase left, however, as Syaoran had
already unloaded them all, wordlessly. Frowning, something that Tomoyo
seemed to be doing more and more around Li, she tidied up, and then
approached Syaoran in the kitchen, where he was setting water to boil.
Or appeared to be doing so, anyway.
***
He stared into the pot of water, peering into his reflection for
a second, until ripples in the water distorted his figure. Placing the
near-full pot of water down before he could spill some on him, he noted
that his arm was becoming increasingly unsteady. Li then reached over
to light the stove so he could warm the water, something which reminded
him of warming milk. Reminding him of warm, honeyed milk, something she
would do for him when he was sick, sick but still able to see her, see
her beautiful face on the bed, the bed that smelled of flowers, and
her, and antiseptic...
Somehow, Syaoran suddenly found himself staring into a pot full
of boiling water, half of it evaporated already, with someone's hand on
his, turning the burner off. He looked up, saw Tomoyo's worried face,
and looked away.
"Please, Li-kun, let me help you."
A pause.
"...I don't need help."
"Look at me and say that, Li-kun. Look into my eyes and tell me
that."
Syaoran knew that he couldn't, and made no pretense in doing so.
He pulled his hand away, turned around, and started to walk out,
heading back into the living room.
"Will you at least let me show you something? Please?"
The sheer desperation in her voice stopped Syaoran, the tone
bringing back some of his former self. It was brief, but long enough
for Tomoyo to start leading him outside into the harsh light of day.
***
They entered the old mansion together, still furnished and clean
after all these years. The staff were doing an admirable job,
preserving all the little details, yet keeping it all sparking neat.
They were gone now, knowing when to give their President and Owner,
Miss Daidouji, some privacy. She led Syaoran up the winding stairs; he
was oblivious to what this place was, much less who formerly resided
under this roof. But still she led on, eventually ending up in what
seemed to be a little girl's room, dolls on the dresser et all. The
room led to a private veranda in the back of the mansion, overlooking a
tennis court and the gardens. There was also a picture drawn in crayon
on the desk, framed and sitting alone, picturing a family of sorts,
with a rainbow over their heads. Done in white, with the linen and
curtains to match, it was a very pleasant room, the décor giving it a
light and airy feel.
Syaoran entered, looked around, and faced Tomoyo with his dead,
lifeless eyes.
"Why did you bring me here?"
Tomoyo walked over to the desk; she stood silently, just staring
at the picture.
Then she spoke.
"Because...because I have a story to tell you."
And Syaoran listened.
***
"He passed away a few years after that incident, but on his own
terms, at peace with the world."
Tomoyo then turned to Syaoran. He still stood motionless in front
of the doorway, head slightly down, looking for all the world like a
living corpse. There was no reaction from him, not even a hint that he
even listened to her tale.
Soon a breeze ruffled her skirt from the open balcony door behind
her; Tomoyo suddenly balled her fists, anger uncharacteristically boiling
up in her. The clouds that gathered during her story made the room
shadowy and dark, matching her mood, it seemed, perfectly. Walking
stiffly towards Syaoran and brushing past him, she whirled around in
the doorway, narrowing her eyes.
She spoke quietly, but with rancor.
"Could you stop being so selfish for one minute to love your
children?" She paused, then seemed to deflate as there was no response
again from Syaoran.
She then whispered something as she looked down at the ground.
"You know, stars exist where you least expect them."
She turned around, and left.
***
Syaoran made no move for a minute, then started to laugh
bitterly. He started to laugh louder, then suddenly started to sink to
the floor, as the tears started to fall. Outside, lightning struck,
briefly illuminating the man inside the room, the man who sat on the
floor head clutching his head as tears streamed down his cheeks. He
started to sob as the rain fell, driving down hard from the heavens, in
deafening sheets of water. Soon, the only sound that could be heard was
the rain, pelting the earth, flooding everything in its path. With
another crack of lightning, Syaoran slowly pulled himself up, tears
still flowing, and moved slowly to the balcony.
He fell in a heap on his knees on the balcony floor, rain already
soaking him to the bone with a stinging hail of water, hair matted down
to forehead. As he sat there on his knees, his mouth slowly moved,
imperceptibly at first, but it moved wider and wider as he started to
say something over and over again. Soon, his voice rose to a scream, as
loud as he could shout, but the sound was still nearly drowned out by
the rain. He screamed out a word over and over again, his head looking
up towards the heavens, hands in fists at his sides, rage contorting
his face. He then breathed, and using that breath, he let loose one
last scream to the heavens, yelling out the word again, and the heavens
answered with a bolt of lightning. Collapsing on the balcony floor once
more, he sobbed and whispered that word until he lay unconscious on
the floor.
Once more, the rain was the only sound that could be heard, as
the pained cries of "Why?" ended.
***
"Could you stop being selfish..."
'I can't help it, I love her so much...'
"...to love your children?"
'But I do love them, I love them so much, but it hurts to
see her inside of them, to see her spark in theirs...'
"You know, stars exist where you least expect them."
'Really? Then where is my star now, where is she when I
need her the most?'
***
He felt warmth on his skin as he started to wake up, felt warmth
all around him. As soon as he tried to open his eyes, however, he
immediately shut them again, blinded by the sun. Rolling over, he blinked
his eyes open in the shade, his back towards the sun. As he started to
get his bearings, his eyes suddenly jerked upward and widened, and then
his face cracked a smile as he lay back down. He started to chuckle, with
his eyes closed. Suddenly, he started to laugh loudly as tears trickled
from the corner of his eyes; they were sweet tears this time, not bitter
ones.
And then he rolled over back into the sunlight.
***
When Ayumi and Kaneda came back from their expedition, they were
thoroughly soaked, but laughing and jubilant, with Ayumi following her
brother down the road. Their hair matted and wet, they sprayed off some
moisture now and then as Kaneda shook once in a while, eliciting
shrieks of laughter from his sister. As they neared the house, however,
they saw their father sitting on a bench in the front porch, bathed in
sunlight. Their mood immediately became somber; Kaneda went next to
Ayumi, and held her hand as they approached the house.
Expecting a scolding from his father, Kaneda was understandably
shocked when all he received was a pleasant request to go change for
dinner. All the more shocking was that it was done while his father
seemed to be basking in the sun with his eyes closed. Not being one to
tempt fate, he immediately went inside, where as his inquisitive and
more naïve sister stayed behind.
Ayumi crept up on the swinging bench next to her father, and
asked a question only a wise child could ask.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
Her father smiled.
"I'm stargazing, dear."
Her head cocked at an angle with a quizzical expression on her
face, Ayumi decided that this was one of those adult things, shrugged,
and went inside to change.
Her father stayed outside, and kept on stargazing out in the
daylight.
/Fin/
/* Yes, this is in the future; yes, Syaoran and Sakura married; yes,
this fic takes place where you think it does; and no, Tomoyo and
Syaoran have not, are not, and will not hook up. So there. ;P
Standard disclaimer applies (these ain't my characters 'cept for Ayumi
and Kaneda, they belong to almighty CLAMP, yadda, yadda, yadda). */
-Pnumoman
Historians exercise great power and some of them know it. They recreate
the past, changing it to fit their own interpretations. Thus, they
change the future as well.
-Leto II, His Voice, from Dar-es-Balat
by Pnumoman
/* Dedicated to Hikaru, for putting up with the idiot (me), and
also because if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be writing CCS fics
today. Thank you, truly, for teaching me how to be a real fan of a
series. ^^
(PS: Take a gander at some of her fics if you haven't yet!) */
***
The sun shone on the grassy fields as the cicadas hummed the
distinct sound of summer. There was gentle warmth as light as a lover's
embrace, touching and caressing, but never being overbearing. And up
above, sparse, white clouds drifted in a sea of baby blue, floating in
the heavens as green leaves swayed on tender branches, moving to the
odd breeze. Wide swaths of grass followed suit, dancing to the same
soothing rhythm, while the wildflowers, dotting the vast expanse of
overgrown grass, stood like pinpoints of bright color amongst them.
It was summer.
On a small road near a quiet country village, more a lane than
anything, a lone van sped along kicking up dust, alone between the
plains. The windows down, the gray van suddenly seemed to have sprouted
two heads, a young boy and girl's. The boy, with raven hair, sharp
features and wire rim glasses, gave a smile to his twin sister, as she
returned the favor. She had brown, unruly hair and piercing green eyes,
eyes that were lit up with happiness. And they were both laughing.
"Please don't do that, Ayumi, Kaneda."
Slowly, the two children lost their wonderful smiles, and ducked
inside once more. The quiet request from inside the van commanded
mostly with its emotionless tone; chastised, the two put back on their
seatbelts and sat with their heads slightly bowed, mood quickly
dampened.
Up front, Tomoyo slowly brought her head back forward, and
frowned slightly.
****
"Auntie Tomoyo, can we go and explore?"
The van was parked in front of the summer home, still painted a
pastel shade of yellow, the same shade from long, long ago. Nothing
much changed around here; it was all kept in pristine condition by an
obscure organization funded by the extensive Daidouji estates. Indeed,
Tomoyo's business skills were quite adequate to support this lavish
preservation, and many others besides. In any case, the keepers knew
when to recede into the woodwork, and summer vacations were a prime
time to do as such.
"Well, I see no reason not to. Do you have any objections, Li-
kun?"
"No."
"Then be back in time for dinner, children. Have fun."
Tomoyo saw them off with a smile, holding her straw summer hat
down from a renegade breeze. After the two kids ran off over the
nearest hill, she returned back to the van to unload the rest of the
luggage. There was only one suitcase left, however, as Syaoran had
already unloaded them all, wordlessly. Frowning, something that Tomoyo
seemed to be doing more and more around Li, she tidied up, and then
approached Syaoran in the kitchen, where he was setting water to boil.
Or appeared to be doing so, anyway.
***
He stared into the pot of water, peering into his reflection for
a second, until ripples in the water distorted his figure. Placing the
near-full pot of water down before he could spill some on him, he noted
that his arm was becoming increasingly unsteady. Li then reached over
to light the stove so he could warm the water, something which reminded
him of warming milk. Reminding him of warm, honeyed milk, something she
would do for him when he was sick, sick but still able to see her, see
her beautiful face on the bed, the bed that smelled of flowers, and
her, and antiseptic...
Somehow, Syaoran suddenly found himself staring into a pot full
of boiling water, half of it evaporated already, with someone's hand on
his, turning the burner off. He looked up, saw Tomoyo's worried face,
and looked away.
"Please, Li-kun, let me help you."
A pause.
"...I don't need help."
"Look at me and say that, Li-kun. Look into my eyes and tell me
that."
Syaoran knew that he couldn't, and made no pretense in doing so.
He pulled his hand away, turned around, and started to walk out,
heading back into the living room.
"Will you at least let me show you something? Please?"
The sheer desperation in her voice stopped Syaoran, the tone
bringing back some of his former self. It was brief, but long enough
for Tomoyo to start leading him outside into the harsh light of day.
***
They entered the old mansion together, still furnished and clean
after all these years. The staff were doing an admirable job,
preserving all the little details, yet keeping it all sparking neat.
They were gone now, knowing when to give their President and Owner,
Miss Daidouji, some privacy. She led Syaoran up the winding stairs; he
was oblivious to what this place was, much less who formerly resided
under this roof. But still she led on, eventually ending up in what
seemed to be a little girl's room, dolls on the dresser et all. The
room led to a private veranda in the back of the mansion, overlooking a
tennis court and the gardens. There was also a picture drawn in crayon
on the desk, framed and sitting alone, picturing a family of sorts,
with a rainbow over their heads. Done in white, with the linen and
curtains to match, it was a very pleasant room, the décor giving it a
light and airy feel.
Syaoran entered, looked around, and faced Tomoyo with his dead,
lifeless eyes.
"Why did you bring me here?"
Tomoyo walked over to the desk; she stood silently, just staring
at the picture.
Then she spoke.
"Because...because I have a story to tell you."
And Syaoran listened.
***
"He passed away a few years after that incident, but on his own
terms, at peace with the world."
Tomoyo then turned to Syaoran. He still stood motionless in front
of the doorway, head slightly down, looking for all the world like a
living corpse. There was no reaction from him, not even a hint that he
even listened to her tale.
Soon a breeze ruffled her skirt from the open balcony door behind
her; Tomoyo suddenly balled her fists, anger uncharacteristically boiling
up in her. The clouds that gathered during her story made the room
shadowy and dark, matching her mood, it seemed, perfectly. Walking
stiffly towards Syaoran and brushing past him, she whirled around in
the doorway, narrowing her eyes.
She spoke quietly, but with rancor.
"Could you stop being so selfish for one minute to love your
children?" She paused, then seemed to deflate as there was no response
again from Syaoran.
She then whispered something as she looked down at the ground.
"You know, stars exist where you least expect them."
She turned around, and left.
***
Syaoran made no move for a minute, then started to laugh
bitterly. He started to laugh louder, then suddenly started to sink to
the floor, as the tears started to fall. Outside, lightning struck,
briefly illuminating the man inside the room, the man who sat on the
floor head clutching his head as tears streamed down his cheeks. He
started to sob as the rain fell, driving down hard from the heavens, in
deafening sheets of water. Soon, the only sound that could be heard was
the rain, pelting the earth, flooding everything in its path. With
another crack of lightning, Syaoran slowly pulled himself up, tears
still flowing, and moved slowly to the balcony.
He fell in a heap on his knees on the balcony floor, rain already
soaking him to the bone with a stinging hail of water, hair matted down
to forehead. As he sat there on his knees, his mouth slowly moved,
imperceptibly at first, but it moved wider and wider as he started to
say something over and over again. Soon, his voice rose to a scream, as
loud as he could shout, but the sound was still nearly drowned out by
the rain. He screamed out a word over and over again, his head looking
up towards the heavens, hands in fists at his sides, rage contorting
his face. He then breathed, and using that breath, he let loose one
last scream to the heavens, yelling out the word again, and the heavens
answered with a bolt of lightning. Collapsing on the balcony floor once
more, he sobbed and whispered that word until he lay unconscious on
the floor.
Once more, the rain was the only sound that could be heard, as
the pained cries of "Why?" ended.
***
"Could you stop being selfish..."
'I can't help it, I love her so much...'
"...to love your children?"
'But I do love them, I love them so much, but it hurts to
see her inside of them, to see her spark in theirs...'
"You know, stars exist where you least expect them."
'Really? Then where is my star now, where is she when I
need her the most?'
***
He felt warmth on his skin as he started to wake up, felt warmth
all around him. As soon as he tried to open his eyes, however, he
immediately shut them again, blinded by the sun. Rolling over, he blinked
his eyes open in the shade, his back towards the sun. As he started to
get his bearings, his eyes suddenly jerked upward and widened, and then
his face cracked a smile as he lay back down. He started to chuckle, with
his eyes closed. Suddenly, he started to laugh loudly as tears trickled
from the corner of his eyes; they were sweet tears this time, not bitter
ones.
And then he rolled over back into the sunlight.
***
When Ayumi and Kaneda came back from their expedition, they were
thoroughly soaked, but laughing and jubilant, with Ayumi following her
brother down the road. Their hair matted and wet, they sprayed off some
moisture now and then as Kaneda shook once in a while, eliciting
shrieks of laughter from his sister. As they neared the house, however,
they saw their father sitting on a bench in the front porch, bathed in
sunlight. Their mood immediately became somber; Kaneda went next to
Ayumi, and held her hand as they approached the house.
Expecting a scolding from his father, Kaneda was understandably
shocked when all he received was a pleasant request to go change for
dinner. All the more shocking was that it was done while his father
seemed to be basking in the sun with his eyes closed. Not being one to
tempt fate, he immediately went inside, where as his inquisitive and
more naïve sister stayed behind.
Ayumi crept up on the swinging bench next to her father, and
asked a question only a wise child could ask.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
Her father smiled.
"I'm stargazing, dear."
Her head cocked at an angle with a quizzical expression on her
face, Ayumi decided that this was one of those adult things, shrugged,
and went inside to change.
Her father stayed outside, and kept on stargazing out in the
daylight.
/Fin/
/* Yes, this is in the future; yes, Syaoran and Sakura married; yes,
this fic takes place where you think it does; and no, Tomoyo and
Syaoran have not, are not, and will not hook up. So there. ;P
Standard disclaimer applies (these ain't my characters 'cept for Ayumi
and Kaneda, they belong to almighty CLAMP, yadda, yadda, yadda). */
-Pnumoman
Historians exercise great power and some of them know it. They recreate
the past, changing it to fit their own interpretations. Thus, they
change the future as well.
-Leto II, His Voice, from Dar-es-Balat