Chapter One
I turn away, I want no mirror,
I think I see, without it clearer,
Quickly I turn away from the mirror, but it's too late. I already looked and I can't take back what I've seen now.
My reflection shocks me in a way and scares me more than anything else. I think it's because I can't quite believe what the mirror is showing me. To my friends and family it wouldn't be unfamiliar, but to me it is.
I see a narrow face, wide round eyes and a long, thin nose – I still look like a little girl – although I don't feel it. I can't help but think that the mirror is lying to me. It doesn't show who I am at all. I look ordinary and plain, though I feel far from it. I always had the feeling that deep down inside of me, I was different, but I guess everyone feels like that.
Once my mother finishes cutting my hair she ties it up in a clean bun customary for my fraction.
"There" she smiles at me shutting the mirror.
I make no comment, except to look down at the floor. That's what we are meant to do at Abnegation. We are selfless.
"Are you nervous?" my mother asks.
"No" I say calmly, although I really want to tell her that I am. I want to hold her and hug her and tell her how scared and afraid I really am.
Today is the day of the aptitude test that will show me which of the five factions I belong in. And tomorrow, at the Choosing Ceremony, I decide on a fraction where I will spend the rest of my life. I can't help but feel how stupid the whole thing is. That a few days ago we had to ask permission to go to the bathroom during class and now suddenly we are choosing our own destiny.
It's there way of making us chose between ourselves and our families.
On the way to school, I get on the bus and cringe. It's hot and smelly and it doesn't help that the bus drive takes corners to sharp. I clutch on tightly to the seat and look out the window.
My older brother Caleb, stands in the aisle. Not that anyone would be able to tell that we are siblings. We look nothing alike, he has dark hair unlike my blonde and he looks a lot more like my father. Yet he also inherited my mother's talent for selflessness, giving up his seat to a Candor man on the bus without any thought. Their faction values honest and sees morals as absolute black and whites. Yet it angers me that the man takes the seat. Does he not believe in equality? Does he think he's better than us?
Personally I'm just glad that they can't read minds, because I think I would be kicked out of Abnegation for even thinking that.
The bus stops at the school and I get up, holding onto my brothers arm as I stumble past the Candor man resisting the urge to kick him. The school is a large building made of steel and glass. I don't talk to my brother at all as I enter the school. I'm too nervous, I can feel my heart thumping in my chest and my hands shaking already. I know this is the last day that I walk these halls.
The hallways are cramped and are one of the only places that kids our age are allowed to mix.
As I collect my things and walk to chemistry an Erudite boy in a blue sweater knocks me.
"Out of my way Stiff" he snaps.
His friend laughs and tries to trip me. I almost manage to keep my balance but then don't. I fall hard on the ground and my face scrapes the concreate floor. Suddenly I can feel a stinging graze on my face. Instinctively I raise my hand to my face and can see the blood. My hands have been grazed too.
I look around. My brother is nowhere to be seen. He must have gone to class already. I feel my cheeks burn even more as the boys stop and laugh at me.
I don't get up. I know if I do they will just push me back down again. Instead I stay on the floor and let them laugh. If I were strong enough, I would fight back, I would speak up and say something but I know that would only make them taunt me more. Besides I'm Abnegation, I'm supposed to be selfless.
This sort of thing has been happening a lot to people in my fraction. Ever since Erudite has been releasing demeaning reports about Abnegation, and people always listen to them.
Funnily enough the grey clothes, the plain hairstyle and the uniformity of our fraction which is supposed to make it easy for us to forget ourselves and for others to forget us too. But it doesn't work. Instead it makes us a target.
"Don't listen to them" It's a skinny boy with dark blue eyes and long eyelashes.
He holds out his hand to help me up. I didn't expect that. Nobody ever does anything nice to me like that. Ever.
He is also Abnegation. It takes me a moment before I recognise him as Markus's son Tobias. He's normally shy and likes to keep to himself - even more than the usual Abnegation. He's the same age as me but I wonder how I missed him for so long and I suddenly am kicking myself for not getting to know him sooner. After the Choosing Ceremony, it may be too late.
Both of us pull our hands apart very quickly. I guess that's why they call us stiffs. Because we don't like physical contact with anyone.
I don't even bother to dust down my clothes. They are already grey after all. Instead I smile. Walking towards chemistry together, I pause by the window on the E wing and so does Tobias.
I wait for the Dauntless to arrive every morning at exactly 7:25. They prove their bravery by jumping from a moving train. Only Dauntless ride trains.
My father calls them "hellions" as they are pieced tattooed and black clothed. There main job is to guard the fence around the city. From what, I have no idea. They should perplex me. I should wonder what courage has to do with sticking metal rings through your body. Instead my eyes cling to them and I can't help but think how cool they really look and how I might like to be one.
The whistle blares, as the dauntless continue to jump out of trains, hurling themselves into the school as if they were having the best time in the world. They never hang around before or after school much. I guess that's why I like them, because they don't have time to bully us as much as the other factions. There too busy climbing up roofs and scaling heights.
Watching them is foolish but I can't take my eye off the glee in their eyes as they run.
"They always look like they're having fun" I say, "and they always seem much older than us. I guess because they know how to protect themselves".
This seems to interest Tobias as if he'd never really thought about it before.
"Yes they look as if they'd be able to fight anyone off" He says almost as if he's not speaking to me.
"Bye Tobias" I smile before I enter chemistry lab.
"Good Luck" he replies, and I know he's not talking about chemistry. I know he's talking about the aptitude test this afternoon.