can't I can't I can't I can't
I picked up my cell phone. I knew Papyrus was with her, but maybe he'd answer anyway…
God, part of me hoped he wouldn't answer. But I needed him…
I found his contact. Called him. Last effort… I won't last much longer… it's a miracle I'm even doing this…
The phone rang once. Twice. Three times. Four. Oh God, he isn't going to answer, is he?
A sick part of me is relieved as the phone goes to voicemail. I tried. Damn, I tried.
It hurt so much. I couldn't do this anymore.
I'm so sorry, Papyrus.
"SANS?" Papyrus called as we got home. He was still smiling from the date. "SANS, WE'RE HOME." Worry shot through me. Something wasn't right. I didn't know what, but something wasn't right.
Papyrus checked his phone, and frowned when he saw one missed call from Sans. "SANS?" he called, his voice wavering slightly. I went up to his room and gently knocked on the door. Not even the sound of him snoring. He wasn't asleep.
"Sans?" I called, feeling my heart drop. I had a sixth sense for these kinds of things; the fact that I was worried for once worried me even more. I tried to open the door, but it was locked. Papyrus joined me, wringing his hands together. "I can't hear anything."
Papyrus tried opening the door, and when it refused to yield, he threw his shoulder into it a few times. Eventually, the door gave, and Papyrus stumbled into the room. I was on his heels, and we both saw it at the same time. The pile of dust on the bed, some of it on the floor. "No no no no no…" Papyrus was muttering under his breath, kneeling beside the dust. Perhaps it was possible to deny it for a little while, but when he unearthed the blue hoodie from the larger pile on the bed, he immediately broke into sobs.
"No…" I never hated Sans. I led him to believe that at first, but we'd become friends over time. It was my fault. He'd told me, he'd fucking told me everything, he'd explained that resets took meaning out of his life, and when they stopped happening, when I arrived, he figured the universe was taunting him. Even if I reset, he'd be back, but he'd probably just do it again. He remembers resets, I should've told him I have complete control over them now, WHY DIDN'T I TELL HIM?!
It was too late… Papyrus was clutching the hoodie to his chest and sobbing harshly. God, I wish I'd told Sans how much he meant to me besides being my boyfriend's brother, I wish he could've known that I'd be here, sobbing over his dust along with his brother, because maybe he wouldn't have done this. If he knew exactly how I felt, and exactly what I was capable of, he'd still be here. This was all my fault.
There was a note next to the pile. I picked it up and handed it to Papyrus. There was no way it was for me. I didn't mean nearly as much to Sans as he meant to me, despite him pouring his heart out to me. It was because he was tired of hiding it, not because he truly cared about me. I let out another sob. Maybe if he'd known how much I cared for him, he would've let himself care for me…
Papyrus paused his sobbing for a minute, letting out pained whimpers and sniffling as he read the note. Then he began sobbing even harder, holding the jacket tighter to him. He let the note fall to the floor, and I gently picked it up.
'hey pap. im sorry i had to do this. just couldnt wait to bite the dust I guess...heh… but yknow, im gonna miss you. its no ones fault but mine. im sure youll be ok without me. i know i never told you before, but i love you paps. youre the best bro ever. tell cin i said im sorry.'
"Fuck," I whimpered. Papyrus was too busy sobbing to scold me for cursing, or he just didn't care, I wasn't sure. I attempted to comfort him, but while I was sobbing myself, I was no good. I gently took the hoodie from his hands, and at first he put up a fight, but was distracted by his own crying. I placed the hoodie carefully over his shoulders, and we sat there and cried for a long time. Eventually, Papyrus put his arms through the hoodie and hugged me tightly, and we were there for each other. Our SOULs throbbed painfully together. After a while, I struggled to find my phone, and quickly called Undyne.
"What's up, punk?! Why are you calling so…" she trailed off when I let out a broken sob. "H-hey, punk, what's wrong?"
"S-Sans is gone," I whimpered, trying hard to stop sobbing. It was starting to hurt. "P-please, we need you, Papyrus needs-... I-I can't, please come comfort him." I let out a sob at the end.
Her voice was very quiet when she finally responded. "You mean… he's… dead?"
"Y-yes. Please, Undyne. We need you." I was back to whimpering.
Another pause. "I'll bring Alphys," she whispered, and hung up.
And I was there when you grew restless; left in the dead of night…
"S-SANS? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Papyrus was concerned. Sans had suddenly started making a lot of noise in the middle of the night; he was pulling on his lab coat and shoes. Papyrus didn't miss the look in his eyes: focused but dead at the same time. "BROTHER?" Sans glanced at Papyrus once, and continued quickly pulling on clothes.
"I'll be back," he muttered quietly when he finished, and almost threw himself out the door.
From then on, Sans's presence at home was spotty. Sometimes he'd turn up late at night and sleep for a couple hours, then return to wherever it was he was going (probably the lab, Papyrus thought), all while Papyrus slept. Those times, he only left a small mess as evidence he'd been there at all. Most of the time, he stayed away. Papyrus rarely saw him, but was too afraid to interrupt whatever it was that Sans was doing.
He missed the bedtime stories, though. He even missed the puns. Most of all, he missed Sans.
And I was there when, three months later, you were standing in the door all beat and tired…
This had gone on for several months. There was a constant ache deep in Papyrus's chest now, but he ignored it. Whatever Sans was doing, it must've been important if he barely had time to acknowledge Papyrus's existence…
He would be there for his brother, he decided. If Sans was busy, he would show his love in other ways. He made Sans bag lunches, and put them on the counter for the rare days when Sans would undoubtedly sleep in his bed for a few hours and then raid the kitchen for food before returning. It always pleased Papyrus to see the lunches had been taken. He never knew, but Sans had loved the lunches. Sometimes they were spaghetti, but not always. They were whatever Papyrus thought Sans would appreciate. Sometimes, it was even food from Grillby's, and Sans loved those the most. The fact that Papyrus had gone into a place he hated just to get his brother, who rarely ever looked at him, a lunch, it made Sans regret the time he was spending away even more than he already did. But he was so close. They were so close to figuring this out, they couldn't stop now.
The first time Papyrus had gotten Grillby's for his brother's lunch, he was shocked when the owner revealed Sans hadn't been around since the day he ran off to… the lab? Papyrus couldn't think of any other place he'd need a lab coat for.
But one day… late at night, there was a timid knock on the door. It woke Papyrus up, and he was shocked. If it was Sans, he wouldn't have knocked. He would've quietly slipped into the house and gone over to his room. Papyrus cautiously went over to the front door, and he let out a soft gasp when he saw him. It was Sans indeed, but he had dark circles under his eyes, and he looked unbelievably sad. When he saw Papyrus, he plastered a smile on his face; the same one he'd wear for the rest of his life. "Hey, Paps…" he slurred softly, and if Papyrus didn't know any better, he'd think Sans was drunk. But Papyrus DID know better. Sans looked dead on his feet. Papyrus looked sad for a minute, and almost seemed as if he were psychic when he held his arms out in front of Sans a second before he fell. (But, if Papyrus was being honest, it was just extremely obvious that he was ready to drop at any minute.) "Ahh… so tired…" Papyrus could barely understand Sans at this point, but half smiled at him anyway. He was just happy Sans was home.
"Welcome home, brother," Papyrus said quietly. Sans continued lazily smiling at him as his eyelids drooped even more. Papyrus noticed strange black markings in patches on the otherwise white lab coat, almost as if there were a good number of small explosions happening wherever he'd been.
Papyrus was so glad he was home.
He carried Sans up to his bed as Sans's eyelids slid shut and he went limp in Papyrus's arms. Papyrus carefully placed him on his bed and took the lab coat off him. He was snoring softly, and Papyrus couldn't help but stare for a minute. Sans seemed to be home for good this time, and if he wasn't, Papyrus was determined to memorize the details of his face. He'd almost forgotten what his own brother had looked like…
The reunion was bittersweet, though. That was when the nightmares started.
… and I stepped aside.
We were opposites at birth, I was steady as a hammer. No one worried cuz they knew just where I'd be. And they said you were the crooked kind, and that you'd never have no worth...
Papyrus whimpered as the kids from school cornered him. They were sneering at him, calling him names… He was trembling in fear. There were four of them and only one of him. He wasn't sure why they didn't like him. All he knew was that he was in danger of being seriously hurt by these kids. He was trying not to cry.
Suddenly, a figure was standing in front of him, towering over them all. The figure was balancing a bone on his fingertip, and Papyrus sniffled, wiping at his face. He recognized the figure as his big brother, and hope was quickly filling him.
"Why are you guys being mean to my little brother?" Sans said, eerily calm. The kids cowered away from him; his height advantage alone was enough to scare them. The bone and his glowing blue eye were just the icing on the cake. They knew he was pissed.
"W-we're sorry, we didn't, um, know he was YOUR little brother!" one of them stammered. Sans had a reputation for taking a lot of shit, but when it came to Papyrus, he wasn't having it. Everyone knew it, and was nice to Papyrus in return; some of it was sincere, but a bit of it was out of fear.
Sans chuckled darkly. "You didn't know he was the scary older skeleton's brother? Try another excuse."
They all just stared at him fearfully.
Sans suddenly shot the bone into the snow an inch in front of the apparent leader. They all let out some form of a scream and stumbled backwards. "If you EVER come near my little brother again, I'll-"
Sans's suddenly angry tone scared Papyrus, who tugged on Sans's shirt. "Sans…" he whimpered softly. Sans paused his enraged threat and glanced back at Papyrus with his glowing blue eye. Papyrus was staring at him with wide eyes, begging him to stop. Sans sighed softly; the kid was too nice for his own good. He glared at the bullies. "Get out of here," he snarled. They didn't hesitate.
When Sans turned around and kneeled by Papyrus (little did they know, he would only be able to do that for a few more years), his eyes were back to their white pupils. "Are you okay?" he asked softly. Papyrus nodded, wiping away a tear, and hugged his brother tightly.
"Thank you," he whispered.
… but you were always gold to me.
Papyrus's head was spinning.
And back when we were kids, we swore we knew the future…
"Sans! What do you think the surface is like?"
… and our words would take us halfway 'round the world…
"It's probably beautiful, bro. I hear most of the surface is water."
"No way, Sans!"
"It's what that old monster told me! He's probably so old, he was there when the war was going on." A small child snickers.
But I never left this town the Underground, and you never saw New York the surface, and we ain't ever cross the sea…
Sans would never see the surface.
Papyrus wished he could stop thinking about that.
"S-Sans is gone."
And it cut me sharp, hearing you'd gone away…
He couldn't stop sobbing. It hurt more to hear her say it.
But everything goes away…
That… couldn't be true… right? There's… something good in everything…
Yeah, everything goes away.
Oh God, it hurt so much.
To say that we were all broken without Sans was an understatement.
Papyrus worked himself to the-... he worked himself way too hard, and he slept in Sans's bed now. I curled up on the couch because I was too sad to want to sleep in an actual bed. I shoved my face between the back and the cushions to hide from reality. It only worked a little.
I pushed hard to get us all to the surface, and so did Papyrus, but in his own way. Papyrus wasn't the same after that. No one was.
But I am fine with where I am now; this home is home and all that I need.
No. I need Sans.
This home has everything I need but Sans. We all needed Sans. Papyrus more than anyone.
But for you, this place is shame…
Papyrus was trying so hard to reach the surface. "It's what Sans would want," he insisted, and his now-average voice volume sounded too quiet for him. He couldn't stand to be down here much longer. He wanted to make Sans proud. He blamed himself for his death for the longest time, until I convinced him it wasn't one day. He didn't know who to blame now.
Papyrus was overloaded on emotions one day. I could sense anger and regret and hatred at nothing building up inside him. He needed an outlet. I tried to get him to talk about it, but...
You can blame me when there's no one left to blame. I don't mind.
I told him that. I was the only one blaming myself, but I knew it was my fault. I was desperate for someone to blame me, someone other than myself to realize it was my fault. At that point, he snapped and started screaming at me with tears running down his face. "YOU LET MY BROTHER DIE! YOU DISTRACTED ME! I COULD'VE SAVED HIS LIFE! IF YOU WEREN'T THERE, I COULD'VE ANSWERED THE PHONE! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM! I NEVER SHOULD'VE DATED YOU!" Finally hearing some form of blame from anyone else was comforting in an odd way. My eyes burned with tears and then spilled over. I wanted him to continue, but he faltered when he realized I was crying. He sat down and let his head fall into his hands.
I got us to the surface, but it was bittersweet. We all looked on silently as the sun rose. Everyone eventually dispersed until it was just me and Papyrus left. He didn't look happy. He was frowning.
Tears were falling silently down my face. Eventually, he collapsed, letting out soft sobs.
Papyrus finally accepts that it wasn't anyone's fault.
He let himself accept that Sans just felt that he couldn't live anymore under the circumstances, and he'd have to respect his brother's decision. That didn't mean it hurt any less.
He wonders if it had anything to do with the lab.
He knows it does.
'Wait for me, Sans,' he thinks while he's on the ground, sobbing from the intense pain in his heart. Cinny was sitting next to him, trying to hold in her own sobs.
'I'm sorry, Sans. I love you. I'll be a better brother to you. Just wait for me. I'll be the best brother in the world when I see you again.'
All my life, I've never known where you've been. There were holes in you; the kind that I could not mend. And I heard you say right when you left that day, 'does everything go away?' Yeah, everything goes away. But I'm going to be here 'til forever, so just call when you're around...