Summary: Ok, a lot of people want Soul Edge. Unfortunately, there is now a
new divine contender for the blade who has just got it. To make a long
story short, the world is very, very doomed.
Disclaimer: Hmmm....Do I own SC2? No, the answer is no. All characters (except a special few) belong to Namco.
PROLOGUE – WHY GODS DON'T GAMBLE
Now then, the planet Earth is very big. That is obvious. Another important fact: the country known to most as Germany is also big compared to some other nations in Ye Olde Europe. Something else that should be known: the abnormally imposing castle belonging to one Baron Mickey von Mickelheim is also pretty big. Inside this castle, or what was left of this castle, there was something else very big, the 7-year-old golem named Astaroth, who had a very big ax that he was using to battle the not-so-big demon known as Inferno. Ok, that's a lot of very big things, but the most important very big thing is the very big thing that was about to happen. An unfortunate incident that would change the world forever was about to occur...and, even more unfortunately, it looked very pink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lightning crashed and thunder rolled cacophonously in the heavens, rending the very sky asunder as two mighty combatants fought beneath the daggers of light that flickered every so often. The looming ebony structure of Castle Mickelheim, now without a visible roof, sat also beneath that stormy sky, slowly being torn apart by the warriors who battled within it for the future of the miserable little planet they were both standing on.
The colossal golem hacked madly at the skeletal creature that danced about wildly in front of him. He was particularly strong for a beast of only 7 years, but just not fast enough to keep the sickly corpse wreathed in flame that was running circles around him from, well, running circles around him. Astaroth, his ghastly eyes practically bulging out of an oversized skull, swung his ax about in melodramatic arcs (if such a thing is at all possible), still completely unable to make physical contact with his high- temperature opponent. He couldn't even come close to hitting his mighty foe, who was merely toying with him at this point. Gasping for air after a good three hours of battle, the golem suddenly stopped and raised a halting hand.
"Wait, stop," the golem cried, panting madly. He lowered his ax to the ground and rested on it, sweating bullets, "Just give me a minute to catch my breath."
Inferno halted in mid-stride and turned to face the golem. He crossed his arms in front of him and tapped a fiery foot on the marble floor tiles impatiently.
Astaroth began to regain his composure, lifted his head, and murmured, "Alright, I'm good. We can fight now." He paused momentarily, gesturing down, "By the way, your shoe's untied. Just thought you'd like to know."
A puzzled look crossed the flaming skeleton's unperceivable face. He instinctively leaned down to tie his shoe only to realize about a second too late that fiery demons of the apocalypse don't where shoes.
Astaroth's ax slammed with all the golem's force into Inferno. Despite not having much of a facial expression, the familiar "Oh shit" look could be clearly seen on the demons features as half of his body flew through the air and into a wall while the other half lingered for a minute before crumbling into a heap of withering marrow.
Laughing to himself with that obnoxious guttural laugh that he possessed, the grandiose golem strode briskly over to the upper half of Inferno and plucked a very large blade from his gnarled, no longer fiery, fingers. He threw the blade up in the air and caught it with a bellicose chuckle as the sword's eye slowly peeled open, looking at the golem servant of Ares.
"You," said the sword, with a hint of irritation in its voice, "What do you want? You know, it's considered very rude to wake inanimate objects when they're trying to sleep."
"Shut up, sword," responded the golem bluntly. Oddly, the sword looked insulted. Astaroth quickly salvaged the situation. "Ok, ok, that was uncalled for. Sorry about being rude and waking you up and all but, you see, I need to give you to my master, the mighty deity of fire and war and other nasty stuff, Ares."
"Fine," sighed the sword, "Just don't take too long with whatever you're doing. I have an appointment with a nice shiny whetstone at 4 o'clock tomorrow. It's a really nice whetstone in Bombay, lots of other nice swords frequent the spot and I've always wanted to file my burs there since no evil warrior of darkness has any notion of proper sword care and-"
"Yes, that's good." replied the golem curtly.
He no longer listened to the blade as he turned his face upwards to the stormy maelstrom above, which could clearly be seen through the destroyed roof of Castle Mickelheim. The clouds began to swirl around a pale light that shone through the dark slits in the smoky clouds. The light's color became pallid and nearly translucent, allowing the shifty shadows to waft through them like smoke. The entire bizarre weather metaphor had Astaroth baffled, since he had no idea what a metaphor was (or a simile, for that matter). He just looked on as a divine fire began to radiate in the sky.
"-so it's not really as enjoyable as it's made out to be, being a sword, especially after people use you to beat other people for no apparent reason. Also, a good self-respecting sword like me is never able to find a nice, conservative, girl sword on this damn planet. Oh, I've always dreamed of settling in a little cottage with a bunch of little daggers all my own and-"
Astaroth ignored Soul Edge's ramblings and kept his pale eyes focused on the big light in the sky. Suddenly, the clouds began to manifest themselves into more visible shapes. A great pair of brawny cloud arms sprouted strangely out of the sky and the beams of fiery light swirled into two ovular eye shapes, like a couple of lighthouses that shined their otherworldly rays down onto the planet, scanning the whole expanse until they came to rest on Astaroth.
"ASTAROTH," boomed the thunderous voice of Ares, "YOU HAVE DONE WELL!"
"-and there's not a lot you can do, being a sword, even though I only ask for a little cleaning every now and then and some souls to munch on. Nobody cares about proper sword cleaning nowadays, honestly. I mean, the other day- "
"SILENCE!" boomed the war deity. Soul Edge promptly shut up.
"AS I WAS SAYING, YOU HAVE DONE WELL!"
Astaroth bowed humbly to the two lighthouse eyes of Ares.
"Yes, my lord Ares. I give to you the weapon that shall give you dominion over these lands. The mighty sword, Soul Edge, is yours, my master." He raised the sword, offering it up.
"ACTUALLY, THE MIGHTY SWORD, SOUL EDGE, IS NOT MINE!"
Astaroth's head shot back up. "Then who's is it? I'm giving it to you!"
"ASTAROTH," the voice said nervously, "THIS MAY NOT MAKE A LOT OF SENSE RIGHT NOW, BUT THE SWORD IS NOT BEING GIVEN TO ME! IT NOW BELONGS TO MY LITTLE SISTER, JENNY!"
The golem's heart promptly stopped beating.
"Pardon?" he chuckled, more nervously, "What was that you just said? I think I had a liver in my ear."
"YOU HEARD RIGHT, ASTAROTH! I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, SINCE YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD EVIL MINION! I SORT OF LOST A BET WITH MY SISTER, JENNY, GODDESS OF EVIL FUZINESS AND MISTRESS OF THE HELL-BUNNY HORDES. SHE BET THAT YOU WOULD GET THE SWORD FOR ME AND, RATHER OBVIOUSLY, SHE HAS WON!"
"WHAT? What did you bet?"
"I BET THAT THE CREEPY ITALIAN DUDE WOULD GET IT FIRST!"
"You bet against your own minion!?"
"WELL, YES. I HAVE A LOT OF CONFIDENCE IN THE AFOREMENTIONED ITALIAN DUDE!"
"That's insane. If I wasn't already your servant eternal, I would quit!"
"YEAH, YEAH, SURE, SURE, WHATEVER. YOU STILL HAVE TO GIVE THE SWORD TO JENNY SO SHE CAN RE-MAKE THE WORLD HOWEVER SHE WANTS WITH ITS UNSTOPPABLE POWER!"
"But what about me?" bellowed the golem from below.
"DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL STILL BE EVIL. YOU'LL JUST BE THE EVIL MINION OF JENNY FROM NOW ON. OK, I'M PUTTING JENNY ON THE LINE. PREPARE YOURSELF, BUDDY!"
Astaroth just stared, wide-eyed, as the two fiery lighthouse eyes became two pink bunny-shaped lighthouse eyes. The big muscular cloud hands shrunk into a pair of slender female hands.
"OOOOOOH!" shrieked a booming yet ditzy voice from the heavens, "I WON! IWONIWONIWON! IN YOUR FACE, BRO!"
A very loud grumbling could be heard, but the shrill voice of Jenny, Goddess of Evil Fuzziness, ignored it.
"THE SWORD IS MINE! NOW I CAN MAKE THIS FILTHY LITTLE PLANET A LAND OF BEAUTY, CUTENESS, AND EVIIIIIIIIIIL! WOOOOOOOO EVIIIIIIIL!"
Before Astaroth could comment, the slender cloud hands shot downward and plucked the sword, Soul Edge, out of the golem's outstretched hands.
For the golem, and everything else on Earth, the world suddenly went pink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Astaroth sat up in his amazingly girly bed, lying on top of powder blue sheets.
"Oh thank Ares, it was just a dream." He said aloud.
"Not exactly," squealed a voice from beside the bed.
The golem, praying fervently that the whole experience with Jenny, Goddess of Evil Fuzziness, had been a nightmare, hopped out of the king-size bed swiftly.
He almost fell back onto it a moment later.
Standing, or rather squatting, in front of him was a bunny. No ordinary bunny, though. This bunny was five feet tall, covered in pink armor, and had muscular arms and legs like that of a buff human. Despite the bunny's incredible physique, it still had the undersized head of a pink rabbit, with huge floppy ears, bambi eyes, and a long blue horn spouting out of its forehead.
"What the hell are you?" Astaroth said, immobilized by shock.
"I am your new lieutenant, Pinkfluff, Captain of Cutefuzzia." The adorable voice returned.
"No." said Astaroth, mouthing more words which couldn't find there way past his swinging uvula.
"I'm afraid so," said Pinkfluff, "I have come from the court of Lady Jenny, Goddess of Evil Fuzziness, to give you your first mission."
"I'm not doing anything for her." said the golem, resurrecting some confidence.
"Doesn't matter what you think. You have to go out onto this world, wreaking pink havoc on its inhabitants at the head of an army of Cutefuzzian elite, and seek out the warriors who oppose you. Actually, Milady Jenny has a nice list written up for you. You are already acquainted with some of the warriors you have to find, I believe; Maxi, Kilik, Xiang-"
"I already told you, my allegiance is to Ares, not this Jenny."
"The contract is already signed, buddy. Have a look in the mirror and see."
Cutefuzz held up a mirror rimmed with pink-painted sterling silver. Astaroth looked in it and promptly swooned, falling backward gracefully onto the powder blue sheets.
He hadn't actually had time to look carefully at his own reflection. All he knew and all he cared about was the gnawing fact that he was wearing a neatly ironed bunny suit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay tuned for Chapter 2 – Bambi Eyes and Barbie Thighs, Coming Soon
Disclaimer: Hmmm....Do I own SC2? No, the answer is no. All characters (except a special few) belong to Namco.
PROLOGUE – WHY GODS DON'T GAMBLE
Now then, the planet Earth is very big. That is obvious. Another important fact: the country known to most as Germany is also big compared to some other nations in Ye Olde Europe. Something else that should be known: the abnormally imposing castle belonging to one Baron Mickey von Mickelheim is also pretty big. Inside this castle, or what was left of this castle, there was something else very big, the 7-year-old golem named Astaroth, who had a very big ax that he was using to battle the not-so-big demon known as Inferno. Ok, that's a lot of very big things, but the most important very big thing is the very big thing that was about to happen. An unfortunate incident that would change the world forever was about to occur...and, even more unfortunately, it looked very pink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lightning crashed and thunder rolled cacophonously in the heavens, rending the very sky asunder as two mighty combatants fought beneath the daggers of light that flickered every so often. The looming ebony structure of Castle Mickelheim, now without a visible roof, sat also beneath that stormy sky, slowly being torn apart by the warriors who battled within it for the future of the miserable little planet they were both standing on.
The colossal golem hacked madly at the skeletal creature that danced about wildly in front of him. He was particularly strong for a beast of only 7 years, but just not fast enough to keep the sickly corpse wreathed in flame that was running circles around him from, well, running circles around him. Astaroth, his ghastly eyes practically bulging out of an oversized skull, swung his ax about in melodramatic arcs (if such a thing is at all possible), still completely unable to make physical contact with his high- temperature opponent. He couldn't even come close to hitting his mighty foe, who was merely toying with him at this point. Gasping for air after a good three hours of battle, the golem suddenly stopped and raised a halting hand.
"Wait, stop," the golem cried, panting madly. He lowered his ax to the ground and rested on it, sweating bullets, "Just give me a minute to catch my breath."
Inferno halted in mid-stride and turned to face the golem. He crossed his arms in front of him and tapped a fiery foot on the marble floor tiles impatiently.
Astaroth began to regain his composure, lifted his head, and murmured, "Alright, I'm good. We can fight now." He paused momentarily, gesturing down, "By the way, your shoe's untied. Just thought you'd like to know."
A puzzled look crossed the flaming skeleton's unperceivable face. He instinctively leaned down to tie his shoe only to realize about a second too late that fiery demons of the apocalypse don't where shoes.
Astaroth's ax slammed with all the golem's force into Inferno. Despite not having much of a facial expression, the familiar "Oh shit" look could be clearly seen on the demons features as half of his body flew through the air and into a wall while the other half lingered for a minute before crumbling into a heap of withering marrow.
Laughing to himself with that obnoxious guttural laugh that he possessed, the grandiose golem strode briskly over to the upper half of Inferno and plucked a very large blade from his gnarled, no longer fiery, fingers. He threw the blade up in the air and caught it with a bellicose chuckle as the sword's eye slowly peeled open, looking at the golem servant of Ares.
"You," said the sword, with a hint of irritation in its voice, "What do you want? You know, it's considered very rude to wake inanimate objects when they're trying to sleep."
"Shut up, sword," responded the golem bluntly. Oddly, the sword looked insulted. Astaroth quickly salvaged the situation. "Ok, ok, that was uncalled for. Sorry about being rude and waking you up and all but, you see, I need to give you to my master, the mighty deity of fire and war and other nasty stuff, Ares."
"Fine," sighed the sword, "Just don't take too long with whatever you're doing. I have an appointment with a nice shiny whetstone at 4 o'clock tomorrow. It's a really nice whetstone in Bombay, lots of other nice swords frequent the spot and I've always wanted to file my burs there since no evil warrior of darkness has any notion of proper sword care and-"
"Yes, that's good." replied the golem curtly.
He no longer listened to the blade as he turned his face upwards to the stormy maelstrom above, which could clearly be seen through the destroyed roof of Castle Mickelheim. The clouds began to swirl around a pale light that shone through the dark slits in the smoky clouds. The light's color became pallid and nearly translucent, allowing the shifty shadows to waft through them like smoke. The entire bizarre weather metaphor had Astaroth baffled, since he had no idea what a metaphor was (or a simile, for that matter). He just looked on as a divine fire began to radiate in the sky.
"-so it's not really as enjoyable as it's made out to be, being a sword, especially after people use you to beat other people for no apparent reason. Also, a good self-respecting sword like me is never able to find a nice, conservative, girl sword on this damn planet. Oh, I've always dreamed of settling in a little cottage with a bunch of little daggers all my own and-"
Astaroth ignored Soul Edge's ramblings and kept his pale eyes focused on the big light in the sky. Suddenly, the clouds began to manifest themselves into more visible shapes. A great pair of brawny cloud arms sprouted strangely out of the sky and the beams of fiery light swirled into two ovular eye shapes, like a couple of lighthouses that shined their otherworldly rays down onto the planet, scanning the whole expanse until they came to rest on Astaroth.
"ASTAROTH," boomed the thunderous voice of Ares, "YOU HAVE DONE WELL!"
"-and there's not a lot you can do, being a sword, even though I only ask for a little cleaning every now and then and some souls to munch on. Nobody cares about proper sword cleaning nowadays, honestly. I mean, the other day- "
"SILENCE!" boomed the war deity. Soul Edge promptly shut up.
"AS I WAS SAYING, YOU HAVE DONE WELL!"
Astaroth bowed humbly to the two lighthouse eyes of Ares.
"Yes, my lord Ares. I give to you the weapon that shall give you dominion over these lands. The mighty sword, Soul Edge, is yours, my master." He raised the sword, offering it up.
"ACTUALLY, THE MIGHTY SWORD, SOUL EDGE, IS NOT MINE!"
Astaroth's head shot back up. "Then who's is it? I'm giving it to you!"
"ASTAROTH," the voice said nervously, "THIS MAY NOT MAKE A LOT OF SENSE RIGHT NOW, BUT THE SWORD IS NOT BEING GIVEN TO ME! IT NOW BELONGS TO MY LITTLE SISTER, JENNY!"
The golem's heart promptly stopped beating.
"Pardon?" he chuckled, more nervously, "What was that you just said? I think I had a liver in my ear."
"YOU HEARD RIGHT, ASTAROTH! I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, SINCE YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD EVIL MINION! I SORT OF LOST A BET WITH MY SISTER, JENNY, GODDESS OF EVIL FUZINESS AND MISTRESS OF THE HELL-BUNNY HORDES. SHE BET THAT YOU WOULD GET THE SWORD FOR ME AND, RATHER OBVIOUSLY, SHE HAS WON!"
"WHAT? What did you bet?"
"I BET THAT THE CREEPY ITALIAN DUDE WOULD GET IT FIRST!"
"You bet against your own minion!?"
"WELL, YES. I HAVE A LOT OF CONFIDENCE IN THE AFOREMENTIONED ITALIAN DUDE!"
"That's insane. If I wasn't already your servant eternal, I would quit!"
"YEAH, YEAH, SURE, SURE, WHATEVER. YOU STILL HAVE TO GIVE THE SWORD TO JENNY SO SHE CAN RE-MAKE THE WORLD HOWEVER SHE WANTS WITH ITS UNSTOPPABLE POWER!"
"But what about me?" bellowed the golem from below.
"DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL STILL BE EVIL. YOU'LL JUST BE THE EVIL MINION OF JENNY FROM NOW ON. OK, I'M PUTTING JENNY ON THE LINE. PREPARE YOURSELF, BUDDY!"
Astaroth just stared, wide-eyed, as the two fiery lighthouse eyes became two pink bunny-shaped lighthouse eyes. The big muscular cloud hands shrunk into a pair of slender female hands.
"OOOOOOH!" shrieked a booming yet ditzy voice from the heavens, "I WON! IWONIWONIWON! IN YOUR FACE, BRO!"
A very loud grumbling could be heard, but the shrill voice of Jenny, Goddess of Evil Fuzziness, ignored it.
"THE SWORD IS MINE! NOW I CAN MAKE THIS FILTHY LITTLE PLANET A LAND OF BEAUTY, CUTENESS, AND EVIIIIIIIIIIL! WOOOOOOOO EVIIIIIIIL!"
Before Astaroth could comment, the slender cloud hands shot downward and plucked the sword, Soul Edge, out of the golem's outstretched hands.
For the golem, and everything else on Earth, the world suddenly went pink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Astaroth sat up in his amazingly girly bed, lying on top of powder blue sheets.
"Oh thank Ares, it was just a dream." He said aloud.
"Not exactly," squealed a voice from beside the bed.
The golem, praying fervently that the whole experience with Jenny, Goddess of Evil Fuzziness, had been a nightmare, hopped out of the king-size bed swiftly.
He almost fell back onto it a moment later.
Standing, or rather squatting, in front of him was a bunny. No ordinary bunny, though. This bunny was five feet tall, covered in pink armor, and had muscular arms and legs like that of a buff human. Despite the bunny's incredible physique, it still had the undersized head of a pink rabbit, with huge floppy ears, bambi eyes, and a long blue horn spouting out of its forehead.
"What the hell are you?" Astaroth said, immobilized by shock.
"I am your new lieutenant, Pinkfluff, Captain of Cutefuzzia." The adorable voice returned.
"No." said Astaroth, mouthing more words which couldn't find there way past his swinging uvula.
"I'm afraid so," said Pinkfluff, "I have come from the court of Lady Jenny, Goddess of Evil Fuzziness, to give you your first mission."
"I'm not doing anything for her." said the golem, resurrecting some confidence.
"Doesn't matter what you think. You have to go out onto this world, wreaking pink havoc on its inhabitants at the head of an army of Cutefuzzian elite, and seek out the warriors who oppose you. Actually, Milady Jenny has a nice list written up for you. You are already acquainted with some of the warriors you have to find, I believe; Maxi, Kilik, Xiang-"
"I already told you, my allegiance is to Ares, not this Jenny."
"The contract is already signed, buddy. Have a look in the mirror and see."
Cutefuzz held up a mirror rimmed with pink-painted sterling silver. Astaroth looked in it and promptly swooned, falling backward gracefully onto the powder blue sheets.
He hadn't actually had time to look carefully at his own reflection. All he knew and all he cared about was the gnawing fact that he was wearing a neatly ironed bunny suit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay tuned for Chapter 2 – Bambi Eyes and Barbie Thighs, Coming Soon