The Bachelor Party Chapter 1: What A Great Idea, a smallville fanfic

…the bachelor party…

…what a great idea…

Summer, 2013.

"Woohoo! JLA in the hiz-ouse, baby!"

Bart Allen whipped open the double doors leading to the President's Suite and swept inside. He literally danced with glee when he caught sight of the massive, sumptuous interior. The hotel suite actually had two wings, a full bar, a dining room that seated twelve, a lounge and a wrap-around balcony, offering magnificent views of the Coast City waterfront.

"Er… JLA?" Oliver Queen enquired, as he led Clark Kent, Victor Stone and Arthur Curry (AC to his friends) through the doors.

"Yeah, well, you know those guys you and Clark told us about… the JSA?" Bart explained, "They were the Justice Society of America, right? Well… we're the Justice League of America."

"Bart," said Clark, "That's just stupid."

Bart pulled a face and dumped his bag on a couch. The rest of the guys fanned out, examining the room.

"The squirt's got taste, though," said AC, "This room is awesome!"

"The squirt?" Oliver was offended, "I paid for it!"

"I booked this weekend!" Bart insisted.

"With my credit card," Oliver pointed out.

"You weren't using it," said Bart, "Besides, I'm the Best Man! I had to set up our digs!"

"You're the Best Man coz Clark pulled your name out of a hat," said Victor, "And how do we know you didn't use your speed to rig that?"

"I would've seen him," said Clark.

"See!" Bart stuck his tongue out at Victor.

"Why do you even need a Best Man?" Oliver whined, sounding hurt.

"Because, if I had a choice, your girlfriend would be my Best Man," said Clark, "But nooo… she's Lois' cousin, so she has to be Maid of Honour…"

"Yeah, yeah, we heard the whole whiny, insanely creepy story enough times, bro," said AC, "Can we get this party started?"

"Absolutely!"

Bart sprang into action, and an array of drinks appeared on the bar counter.

"Bart, why are you even bothering with this?" asked Clark, "You know alcohol doesn't affect me."

"It affects me just fine!" said AC, grabbing a beer.

"Don't you worry, mister soon-to-be ball to Lois' chain…"

"Mister what?"

"I got you covered."

Bart finished pouring a series of double shots that included tequila, vodka, absinthe, Stroh rum and something that made the drinks hiss like beakers in a B-Grade horror movie.

"What do you mean?" asked Clark, suddenly worried.

"I mean… this!"

Bart pulled a ring from his pocket. It was a large, cheesy gold number with a blue stone for a centrepiece.

"What is that?" asked Victor.

"Blue kryptonite," said Bart, "Clark becomes human and he can enjoy all the festivities just like a regular schmuck!"

"Oh no…" Clark backed away, "I can't do that!"

"Why not?" asked Bart, "You can just take it off when the party's over."

"Because!" said Clark, "What if something happens? We've got a lot to worry about right now, and I don't think me getting stripped of my powers and mainlining tequila is the best thing to do!"

"It's your bachelor party, bro!" said AC, "What do you have to worry about?"

"Well… well…" Clark searched for a reason, and fell back on an old staple, "There's Lex!"

"Clark," Oliver slung an arm around his shoulder, "God forgive me, but I actually agree with the midget on this…"

"Hey!" Bart protested.

"Lex Luthor will still be campaigning for the presidency on Monday," said Oliver, "And even if something does go wrong, you got four other heroes here with you. We can take care of anything that happens. We don't need a suped-up Clark."

"I'm not sure," said Clark.

"Come on, Boyscout!" said Bart, offering Clark the ring and a drink, "Live a little."

Clark sighed. He grabbed the ring and slipped it onto his finger.

Bart cheered.

"That's the spirit!"

Clark grinned, and sipped at the beer. Bart started lining the shots up in front of them.

"Alright, Best Man about to make a toast!" he announced.

"Are you going to refer to yourself as Best Man all weekend?" asked Victor.

"Yes," said Bart, handing them their glasses.

Victor shrugged and accepted the shot. Once they all had one, they lifted their glasses in the air.

"To Clark Kent," said Bart, "The bravest man in the world for having the stones to marry Lois Lane!"

"Hear, hear!" shouted Oliver.

They laughed, clinked glasses, and downed the shots. Clark's now very-human reaction was to choke and bang his fist on the table. Bart giggled, and handed him another.

"Come on," said Bart, "This is just the beginning."

"Sure," said Clark, "I mean… what's the worst that could happen?"

Later.

Snore.

Much later.

Mumble…

Much, much later.

Clark groaned as he was dragged from the blissful abyss of the deepest, most satisfying sleep he had ever known.

He kept his eyes firmly closed against the intrusive light that bounced off his face.

He muttered a curse against all light everywhere and tried to get back to sleep again.

The warm body curled in his arms was comforting, and Clark wrapped himself around it.

"Lois…" he moaned.

He felt the body shifting slightly, trying to get comfortable.

"Sorry," Clark whispered, "Did I wake you?"

"S'okay..."

A pause.

Wait.

That wasn't Lois' voice.

"Lois?"

"Wha…?"

Again – that wasn't Lois' voice!

Slowly…

Ever so slowly….

With growing, mounting trepidation…

Clark opened his eyes.

Just as another pair of eyes, not three inches from his own, were opening.

Grey eyes.

So not Lois!

It was…

"Oh… God!" Clark wanted to throw up.

He chose to scream instead.

So did the other occupant of the bed.

"Aargh!"

"Aargh!"

"Aargh!"

"Clark?"

"Lex?"

Clark leapt backwards, disentangling himself from Lex. He crashed off the bed, banging his head against the edge of the dresser.

Stars exploded behind his eyes.

Lex collided with a wall and collapsed on the other side of the bed.

As Clark's vision swam, and he felt himself drifting back to the land of the unconscious, he could manage only one clear, coherent thought…

"When I get hold of Bart… I'm gonna kill him!"

A/N: Alright, the new story... Written as an homage to The Hangover - a movie we now know for a fact that Lois owns.

This is gonna get silly, and a little OOC, obviously. But I hope it'll be fun.

Dedicated to anyone who - like me - fell off their chair laughing when they saw The Hangover...