Disclaimer: I don't anything relating to Harry Potter. All of that is owned by the Great Supreme Being known as J.K Rowling.
Hello people and thank you for coming to read my first attempt at a Harry Potter humour fic. I've haven't been on FF.net in quite a long time and during that time I've became a fan of Harry Potter. It feels like I'm new to this world. So I hope you enjoy this fic, now go on read.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azzkaban.
It was nearly midnight as Harry laid flat on his stomach doing his homework, careful as to not wake the Dursley's. But that was not the only thing nagging him. It was the fact that he had to do homework over the summer. This is summer vacation right? His professors gave him more homework over the summer than in a whole year, especially the greasy haired, crooked nosed, pale skinned bastard professor Snape. With the amount of homework that Snape has given him, he's practically writing a novel.
"Stupid Snape." he muttered under his breath. Then out of nowhere Snape apparated in his room.
"10 points from Griffindor." Then disappated out of thin air.
"Damn it!"
Angrily, Harry put all his wizard stuff away under the broken floorboard. He stood up and stared out his window looking at the moon, then turned away when the moons glare were beginning to hurt his eyes. Then out of nowhere something crashed into him, which sent him skidding across the floor.
He looked up and noticed it was Errol along with two other owls that were carrying packages and letters. Harry carelessly ripped the package off of Errol's neck and two letters dropped out. Harry then saw the unmistakable wizard newspaper the Daily Phophet. He picked up the newspaper and read:
Ministry of Magic Scoops Grand Prize
Arthur Weasley, head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office at the ministry of had won the annual Daily prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw. The prize money consisting of 500,000,000,000,000,000
Galleons. That lucky Bastard.
Harry looked at the moving photograph and saw the Weasley family on a cruise ship having fun, especially Ron who was sporting baggy jeans, a bandana on his head and the biggest platinum medallion with the capital letter R that Harry has ever seen, dangling around his neck, while holding a bottle of champagne while women in tight bikini's were dancing around him. One of the women were swinging Scabbers around in the air by his tail. Harry can tell that Ron was having fun.
"They don't have more money than me." Harry muttered as he put the newspaper away picked up Ron's letter and began reading it.
Dear Harry,
Happy Birthday! Can you believe it? We're rich!!! When my dad found out he won he went through four multiple heart attacks in under an hour. You should of seen the look on his face, it was hilarious. We have to hurry up and stop laughing and take him to St. Mungos or he would of died and the money would of been giving to somebody else. I've brought you something and I want you to wear it when we go to Hogwarts. You wouldn't believe the kind of stuff my dad's going to get me.
He's going to get me a new wand, new robes, a new broomstick, a cell phone, a muggle car, a muggle stereo, my own movie theatre, my own candy factory.............
Rons list went on and on. The list was so long, it would take Harry days to finish. Harry quickly put down the letter and went on to read Hermoine's letter.
Dear Harry,
Happy Birthday, Ron had told me all about how rich he is. Did you see the picture in the newspaper. That basturd!! Why didn't he take me along?! I wanted to learn about the interior design on that cruise ship but instead I have to go on this stupid trip to France with my parents. I know that you've always wanted to come to France Harry, but you ain't missing much. It's nothing over here but croissants and french fries. But that's beside the point, Harry I've gotten you a present, hope you like it.
Harry picked up Hermoine's package and opened only find a very heavy book called 50,000 ways to make Croissants. He put down the book and picked up another letter which was from Hagrid.
Dear 'arry
Happi, berthdai ai summat. Eh gat ya summat fer nex yea. Eh' hope thos 'unkers ar treeting you weel.
Harry put down Hagrids letter and picked up a package that was in the shape of a book. He opened the book and studied it for a bit and came upon the title The Monsterous book of Monsterly Monsters and where to find them.......Monsterly.
Harry put the book down to begin reading his other letter, then stopped when he heared a voice.
"Hey you, four eyes." Harry turned around and saw Hagrids book standing up and facing him, sharp teeth baring at him.
"Who me?"
"Yeah you, you dumbass. Your the only one in this Goddamn room, you fucking prick?" Harry stared at the talking textbook like it was on something.
"Well I'm not the only one in this room, incase you haven't notice I have an owl with me."
"Well who the fuck else would I be calling four eyes?" The book shouted back at him.
"Hello, the owl has glasses too." Harry shouted. The book looked up and saw Hedwig in her caged with glasses on moving her head back and forth like stevie wonder.
"Who the fuck are you to be putting glasses on a damn turkey?" Harry became very angry with the books insults.
"Well who are you to be calling my owl a turkey?"
"That is a goddamn turkey goddammmit, maybe yer fucking glasses ain't working if you look closely at the cage you damn prick."
Harry look at the cage closely noticing that it was indeed a turkey was inside the cage, no wonder Hedwig was afraid to fly out the window, and what the hell happened to Hedwig? Harry turned around and stared angrally at the book. He had been proven wrong by a textbook, a gutter mouth textbook.
"Heh, heh. Ain't so smart are you, you pussy ass." Another insult came from the book again. Harry couldn't take it anymore as he went for the textbook. Before he was able to grab it the book jumped out the way doing a 360 and landing on the dresser.
"So you want a piece of me eh, well come get me you fucking basturd. I'll bite off your dick before you even lay one of your little pussy ass fingers on me."
"I DO NOT HAVE PUSSY ASS FINGERS!!!" Harry grabbed the book on the dresser and the two begin to wrestle on the floor. For a book it was quite strong. The book trying to bite his face off while Harry was tearing out it's pages. He flung the book on the bed. The book threw hisself at Harry like a frisbee and everything went into slow motion. Harry bend over backwards as the book headed towards him the room spinning in the process.(A/N: Matrix if some of ya haven't noticed) The book barely missed his nose as it hit the door on the impact.
"Damn it, a paper cut." Harry said as he touched his nose. The book got up and started running towards
harry again.
"Hedwig go get it." The book stopped at Harry's stupid outburst.
"That isn't your damn owl you dumbass."
"Of course it wasn't, it was just a diversion." and with that Harry found the time to kick the book. He kicked the book so hard that it bounced all over the place knocking everything over in the progress. The book landed in front of him pages ripped out and beat up.
"Now who's the dumbass" Harry became very happy after his battle with the gutter mouth textbook and started doing his victory dance. Harry stopped when he heared his door open and an angry looking uncle vernon behind it.
"WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT NOISE?!?!?" Harry stood there awkwardly noticing the damage that he and the book had caused.
"Nothing"
"Oh" Then he slammed the door leaving a bewildered Harry and a disgruntled textbook at his feet.
End of chapter 1
'So ppl what did you think? did you think it was funny or downright stupid? anyway's please review I'll really appriatiate it."
Hello people and thank you for coming to read my first attempt at a Harry Potter humour fic. I've haven't been on FF.net in quite a long time and during that time I've became a fan of Harry Potter. It feels like I'm new to this world. So I hope you enjoy this fic, now go on read.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azzkaban.
It was nearly midnight as Harry laid flat on his stomach doing his homework, careful as to not wake the Dursley's. But that was not the only thing nagging him. It was the fact that he had to do homework over the summer. This is summer vacation right? His professors gave him more homework over the summer than in a whole year, especially the greasy haired, crooked nosed, pale skinned bastard professor Snape. With the amount of homework that Snape has given him, he's practically writing a novel.
"Stupid Snape." he muttered under his breath. Then out of nowhere Snape apparated in his room.
"10 points from Griffindor." Then disappated out of thin air.
"Damn it!"
Angrily, Harry put all his wizard stuff away under the broken floorboard. He stood up and stared out his window looking at the moon, then turned away when the moons glare were beginning to hurt his eyes. Then out of nowhere something crashed into him, which sent him skidding across the floor.
He looked up and noticed it was Errol along with two other owls that were carrying packages and letters. Harry carelessly ripped the package off of Errol's neck and two letters dropped out. Harry then saw the unmistakable wizard newspaper the Daily Phophet. He picked up the newspaper and read:
Ministry of Magic Scoops Grand Prize
Arthur Weasley, head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office at the ministry of had won the annual Daily prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw. The prize money consisting of 500,000,000,000,000,000
Galleons. That lucky Bastard.
Harry looked at the moving photograph and saw the Weasley family on a cruise ship having fun, especially Ron who was sporting baggy jeans, a bandana on his head and the biggest platinum medallion with the capital letter R that Harry has ever seen, dangling around his neck, while holding a bottle of champagne while women in tight bikini's were dancing around him. One of the women were swinging Scabbers around in the air by his tail. Harry can tell that Ron was having fun.
"They don't have more money than me." Harry muttered as he put the newspaper away picked up Ron's letter and began reading it.
Dear Harry,
Happy Birthday! Can you believe it? We're rich!!! When my dad found out he won he went through four multiple heart attacks in under an hour. You should of seen the look on his face, it was hilarious. We have to hurry up and stop laughing and take him to St. Mungos or he would of died and the money would of been giving to somebody else. I've brought you something and I want you to wear it when we go to Hogwarts. You wouldn't believe the kind of stuff my dad's going to get me.
He's going to get me a new wand, new robes, a new broomstick, a cell phone, a muggle car, a muggle stereo, my own movie theatre, my own candy factory.............
Rons list went on and on. The list was so long, it would take Harry days to finish. Harry quickly put down the letter and went on to read Hermoine's letter.
Dear Harry,
Happy Birthday, Ron had told me all about how rich he is. Did you see the picture in the newspaper. That basturd!! Why didn't he take me along?! I wanted to learn about the interior design on that cruise ship but instead I have to go on this stupid trip to France with my parents. I know that you've always wanted to come to France Harry, but you ain't missing much. It's nothing over here but croissants and french fries. But that's beside the point, Harry I've gotten you a present, hope you like it.
Harry picked up Hermoine's package and opened only find a very heavy book called 50,000 ways to make Croissants. He put down the book and picked up another letter which was from Hagrid.
Dear 'arry
Happi, berthdai ai summat. Eh gat ya summat fer nex yea. Eh' hope thos 'unkers ar treeting you weel.
Harry put down Hagrids letter and picked up a package that was in the shape of a book. He opened the book and studied it for a bit and came upon the title The Monsterous book of Monsterly Monsters and where to find them.......Monsterly.
Harry put the book down to begin reading his other letter, then stopped when he heared a voice.
"Hey you, four eyes." Harry turned around and saw Hagrids book standing up and facing him, sharp teeth baring at him.
"Who me?"
"Yeah you, you dumbass. Your the only one in this Goddamn room, you fucking prick?" Harry stared at the talking textbook like it was on something.
"Well I'm not the only one in this room, incase you haven't notice I have an owl with me."
"Well who the fuck else would I be calling four eyes?" The book shouted back at him.
"Hello, the owl has glasses too." Harry shouted. The book looked up and saw Hedwig in her caged with glasses on moving her head back and forth like stevie wonder.
"Who the fuck are you to be putting glasses on a damn turkey?" Harry became very angry with the books insults.
"Well who are you to be calling my owl a turkey?"
"That is a goddamn turkey goddammmit, maybe yer fucking glasses ain't working if you look closely at the cage you damn prick."
Harry look at the cage closely noticing that it was indeed a turkey was inside the cage, no wonder Hedwig was afraid to fly out the window, and what the hell happened to Hedwig? Harry turned around and stared angrally at the book. He had been proven wrong by a textbook, a gutter mouth textbook.
"Heh, heh. Ain't so smart are you, you pussy ass." Another insult came from the book again. Harry couldn't take it anymore as he went for the textbook. Before he was able to grab it the book jumped out the way doing a 360 and landing on the dresser.
"So you want a piece of me eh, well come get me you fucking basturd. I'll bite off your dick before you even lay one of your little pussy ass fingers on me."
"I DO NOT HAVE PUSSY ASS FINGERS!!!" Harry grabbed the book on the dresser and the two begin to wrestle on the floor. For a book it was quite strong. The book trying to bite his face off while Harry was tearing out it's pages. He flung the book on the bed. The book threw hisself at Harry like a frisbee and everything went into slow motion. Harry bend over backwards as the book headed towards him the room spinning in the process.(A/N: Matrix if some of ya haven't noticed) The book barely missed his nose as it hit the door on the impact.
"Damn it, a paper cut." Harry said as he touched his nose. The book got up and started running towards
harry again.
"Hedwig go get it." The book stopped at Harry's stupid outburst.
"That isn't your damn owl you dumbass."
"Of course it wasn't, it was just a diversion." and with that Harry found the time to kick the book. He kicked the book so hard that it bounced all over the place knocking everything over in the progress. The book landed in front of him pages ripped out and beat up.
"Now who's the dumbass" Harry became very happy after his battle with the gutter mouth textbook and started doing his victory dance. Harry stopped when he heared his door open and an angry looking uncle vernon behind it.
"WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT NOISE?!?!?" Harry stood there awkwardly noticing the damage that he and the book had caused.
"Nothing"
"Oh" Then he slammed the door leaving a bewildered Harry and a disgruntled textbook at his feet.
End of chapter 1
'So ppl what did you think? did you think it was funny or downright stupid? anyway's please review I'll really appriatiate it."