The Food Of The Gods
Oneshot
By: Rai-Child
Fandom: Naruto
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters.
Summary: Those four words he never wanted to hear… The ramen's gone, Naruto. NaruSasu, KakaIru. Oneshot.
Author's Note: Written because I can. X3 Pure boredom.
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"Wha? Sorry, I don't think I heard you right-"
"Ramen. Gone." Why did the teme have to be so... Horribly blunt? The Kyuubi-container that had previously been scouring through the cupboards froze; mouth left hanging open as if some invisible force had left him unable to move his jaw. He gaped at his rival-turned-enemy-turned-friend-turned-significant other with that expression that clearly read; 'what the hell?'.
"...Okay, okay. You've had your fun, Sasuke, but seriously- where's the ramen?"
"There is no ramen." Naruto eyed him warily. He was in no mood for messing around- he had about an hour before he was supposed to be meeting up with Konohamaru. That meant a quick breakfast of cup ramen, time spent hopping around trying to find clean underwear and then plenty of room to turn up on time for once in his life. He had learned quickly that giving himself plenty of leeway should he be late was the best way to go about daily life. It didn't matter that he was seventeen now and 'practically a fully grown man', as he had so often put it- 'Granny' Tsunade was always ready with a terrifying, fixed smile and a balled fist should he keep her waiting for tedious mission reports and the like.
Now, watching the incredibly calm Uchiha, the one who was showing no sign of the awful prank he was obviously pulling, Naruto felt distinctly uneasy. Ever since moving in with the fox-boy, Sasuke had made very sure that there was enough ramen to satisfy each day's appetite, mostly for fear of what would happen should Naruto one day open the cupboards to find-
"Sasuke, please, don't. You're scaring me-"
"The store was closed." Sasuke said dully, obviously still not fully awake. He had the day off from his Chuunin duties and planned to spend it not chasing a ramen-starved Naruto around Konoha whilst he raved about the absence of the noodles. Naruto's shoulders sagged in relief as Sasuke opened his mouth, but he quickly jumped in indignation...
Finally, an explanatio- Wait! That's not what I wanted to hear! A pause. One, long, horrible silence.
When Naruto spoke, his voice was quiet, and slightly higher than usual.
"You're serious?"
"Deadly." Sasuke took another bite of his toast; still idly flipping through a newspaper Sakura had brought around yesterday. "I realise this must be a big moment in your life-" He didn't sound too enthusiastic, bored maybe and a little tired, "-but you can't let it faze you. As a Konoha ninja-"
"Sasu, that's not funny." Indeed, a small smirk had appeared on Sasuke's lips, despite the fact that he tried to disguise it behind the toast. Naruto groaned. His whole morning was going downhill before his very eyes, right from the moment Sasuke had uttered those dreaded words, those four words he never wanted to hear…
"The ramen's gone, Naruto."
"Look, if you're that set on it, just go down to your damned Ichiraku-" Naruto's eyes widened and he jumped from his perch on the countertop. It was amazing how one name could change an expression.
"Of course!" Why didn't he think of that? "Sasu, you're a genius-"
"Yeah, I know." Before the Uchiha could react, his hair had been ruffled and a hurried kiss pressed to his forehead, and an orange whirlwind was tearing through the flat, retrieving various items of clothing and practically throwing itself out of the door... Naruto's voice echoed down the hallway…
"Raaaamen, raaaaaaaaaamen..." ...Along with an accompaniment of several, disgruntled voices telling him to shut the hell up. Sasuke shook his head.
"Dobe."
-----
And to think, it had been such a nice, quiet morning so far...
Three Genin were gathered at the end of the street, perched on empty storage barrels under a small overhang.
"Boss?" Konohamaru looked up in surprise as Udon nudged his elbow, gesturing towards the lone figure...
Indeed, it was Naruto, walking despondently towards the group, dragging his feet slightly in the dirt...
"What happened to him?" Moegi wondered aloud, her head tilted to the side. Konohamaru moved the few steps between the Kyuubi-container and where they stood, promptly putting him hands on his hips and staring the older boy down...
"Naru-nii-sa-"
"Ichiraku..." Naruto mumbled, a pained expression on his face. Konohamaru blinked.
"Wuh?"
"It's closed, 'Maru." He grinned sourly. "Closed. No ramen." The younger male mimicked his expression perfectly, albeit with just a hint of dumbstruck horror.
"The ramen's gone?"
"The ramen's gone."
"You sure?"
"Very much so." Moegi looked to Udon, who adjusted his glasses, shifting his feet uncomfortably...
"Surely there's somewhere else where you can get the stuff..." He managed, squirming slightly under Naruto's stare. The sudden look of realisation on the older male's face could have called for a lightbulb to flash over his head, and he gave a happy little mumble under his breath...
"Uh... Nii-san?" Konohamaru whispered, obviously confused as to why the blond was chortling to himself.
"You!" Naruto exclaimed, prompting Moegi to let out a small scream and instinctively reach for Konohamaru's elbow. Said nin found a finger pointing into his face, Naruto's grin far too triumphant for his liking... "An official mission from your soon-to-be Hokage!" Despite his initial shock, and the fact that he still had a rather startled young Kunoichi clinging to his arm, Konohamaru stood quickly to attention.
"Is it to do with cats again...?" Udon asked, completely ruining the moment. Naruto managed a look of pure befuddlement for a second, before shaking his head dismissively.
"You can go chasing neko later- this is much more important!" Konohamaru grinned widely.
Finally!
Let's see Iruka-sensei give us all the low-grade rubbish when we kick ass at this!
-----
"...I still think I preferred the cats." Said Udon.
The Konohamaru Corps made their way sluggishly down the main street, said keen-eyed leader half-dragging the other members of his team through the crowds.
"You heard the boss- this is a high-level mission!"
"It is?"
"Sure it is!" Konohamaru waved a hand flippantly as they pushed through the swarm of people, finally coming out and into the open- where they could move freely without stepping on other people's toes. They got a good, clear view of the street from the guttering of a nearby building; in seconds they were all perched on the roof staring down at the expanse of road below...
"You're adamant about this, aren't you?" Udon queried, evidently sceptical. Konohamaru dragged a hand down his face, groaning in frustration. There wasn't another ramen seller in sight.
"Aw man... Why is it so hard just to get-"
"You said it was high-level. High-level missions aren't supposed to be easy." Konohamaru visibly slumped at the other boy's words, leaning back against the tiles. He fiddled absent-mindedly with the end of his scarf, sighing.
"Hmmm. You're right." He yawned. "If it was a decent assignment for once, there's be someone's ass to kick. And... Enemy territory and stuff." Suddenly, he sat up straight, grinning broadly in childish excitement- "Wait- Naruto said to find ramen. He didn't say where to get it from, exactly."
"I thought he'd confined us just to Konoha..." Moegi said with a slight, thoughtful frown, 'girl-reflexes' she had acquired from one Sakura-nee-chan kicking in.
"Always be ready to stop your teammates from doing anything stu- NARUTO! You IDIOT! What the hell do you think you're doing-"
"Nah, he never said that..." Said Konohamaru quickly, waving a hand and looking far too pleased with himself for either of his teammates' likings. "So, if he won't give it to us, then maybe we can change the mission into a good one. C-level, maybe."
"And how do you intend to do that?" Moegi raised an eyebrow.
"There's gotta be ramen elsewhere..."
"Like...?" It was Udon's turn to be worried again. Konohamaru turned a look of betrayal on both of his friends and exhaled heavily, in a way that signalled he was about to launch into a long and articulate explanation...
"Wave Country." Or not. Udon choked on nothing in particular, nearly falling from his perch in the process. Konohamaru slapped him repeatedly on the back, whilst Moegi had gone rather red in the face...
"E-enemy territory?"
"Sure, why not? I'd say that'd be enough to boost the coolness factor, ne?"
"I... Suppose you're right, but-"
"Then it's decided! Kiri-"
"GODDAMN KIDS! GERROFF MY ROOF!" Something that looked suspiciously like a broom handle came up over the edge and managed to deliver well-aimed nudge to Konohamaru's hip, nearly sending the rascal tumbling off. Instead, he swung down to look directly into the face of the 'enemy', his grin just as sunny even when upside-down...
"Hey look! It's you, Obaa-chan!"
"Don't you 'Granny' me! Off with yer!" The old woman, who was certainly no relative of any of them, gave another swipe to the laughing boy with the brush end of the broom, the look of mock outrage hidden behind the scratchy bristles for a moment before he tumbled, rolling as he made impact...
Laughing.
"That's it-" And all three of them took off running, the immediate issue following in pursuit, still waving the brush around like some sort of weapon.
Evidently, this wasn't the first time such a pursuit had taken place.
-----
"...What happened this time...?"
All three of Team Konohamaru turned at the low, almost-groan from the ground, their team leader's face creasing into a cross scowl.
"The old bat hit me with her stupid broom!" He said, waving his arms around for emphasis. Unfortunately, this also released his hold on the stone he was holding, and the roof tile slid off the edge, cracking against the ground mere inches from Naruto...
"Yes, because that explains everything..."
"Naru-sama..." Moegi piped up, giving him a slight smile in apology, "Iida-san, she needed her roof tiles replacing. We didn't really have much choice, 'cause she can't get up here 'cause of her bad hip and rates for repairmen are horribly high-"
"She should have just flown up on her stupid broomstick."
"Konohamaru!"
"Well it's true! Just be glad she hasn't hexed us!" Uzumaki Naruto was not convinced. He frowned.
"Did you three cause the damage in the first place?" He asked, prompting a round of both quick-fire denial and confession...
"Iie-"
"We come up here quite a lot... Maybe that's why they keep coming loose."
"I told you before- it's not 'breaking-and-entering' unless you're actually inside the stupid house!"
"Right; we didn't break any windows at least..."
"It's just a couple of stupid tiles! You're outnumbered, admit it! As your team leader-"
"It is her roof-"
"Naruto's always coming up here, tell her Nii-san!" Naruto held up his hands, as if to show he had no part in it whatsoever. Konohamaru frowned. "...If you hadn't stopped me, everything would have been fine." He said sulkily, directing the comment specifically at Udon, who blinked.
"What- your scarf! It got in the way!"
"You didn't have to tread on it!" Moegi simply sat in silence, looking slightly embarrassed. She covered her eyes with one hand, shaking her head. Clearly the memory of skidding to a halt only to find both of her teammates in a pile of limbs a few metres back was a painful memory. The old woman standing, leering, over them was only the icing on the metaphorical cake.
Naruto would have happily killed for cake. He didn't care anymore.
Refusing to eat until his trusted comrades found some ramen had not been a good idea... Especially when they hadn't reported back for hours, and the darkness of late evening had already set in.
"I thought I could trust you with this." He said, sighing melodramatically. Konohamaru gave a yelp of protest…
"Hey, we were doing fine until a certain someone interrupted..." He glared downwards, as if the old woman quietly sipping green tea could see his scowl through the solid surface of the roof...
Maybe it was a good thing that they couldn't see each other, because she could certainly hear them, and was chortling quietly, smugly to herself at that point in time.
Despite the fact that it had supposedly all been going to plan, the whole part about the Wave Country was conveniently not mentioned.
"It's not fair, Boss!" Konohamaru whined, "You can't fail us! It's impossible! It's like... A ramen-drought or something!"
"What rank was it?" Udon asked with a sly grin and an oh-so-subtle hint of sarcasm, "'Z'? Lower?"
"Can you even get Z-grade missions?" Moegi wondered aloud.
"I still think I would have completed it if the old hag hadn't caught us..." Konohamaru said loudly, barely letting her finish her sentence. Moegi blinked in surprise, before letting a smile almost identical to Udon's creep across her features...
Plotting. Evidently, Sakura's talks with the younger girl had stretched not only to 'how to handle male comrades', but also to, 'how to wind them up'.
"You should have said earlier!" She exclaimed, "I could have gone and fetched my portable RDD!"
"RD-wha?" Konohamaru seemed to be functioning a little too slow to keep up.
"Ramen Detection Device." The blond back on ground level turned away as both Moegi and Udon burst into loud laugher and Konohamaru yelled at them, demanding to know what was so funny...
"This is it then." Naruto muttered to himself, staring wide-eyed at nothing in particular, "The end of life as we know it. I shall have to eat Sasuke instead. I'm sure he won't mind."
-----
...It was late.
Very late in fact- the clock on the bedside table displayed the time blatantly, though the two figures could not see for two reasons; one being that they were fast asleep, and the other that it was too dark to see anyway, even if they were awake...
Maybe it was the whole Chuunin-Jounin difference theory coming into play again, but Hatake Kakashi was as wide eyed and conscious as if he had never been sleeping to begin with, sitting up slightly and unwinding one arm from around the warm body next to him. He silently prayed that the movement wouldn't wake Iruka.
A noise. In the kitchen.
Several noises actually- a creak, a thud and a string of elaborate curse words.
Kakashi was on his feet in a flash, not particularly caring that he was in his boxer shorts, but reaching for his mask regardless. Not many people besides Iruka-sensei had seen his face without the cloth, and he wasn't about to start handing out the honour to every intruder who just happened to break into their flat during the ungodly hours of the morning...
Kunai... Check. Shuriken... Check.
He could feel the chakra of the intruder before he'd even stepped out into the hallway- it came with a strange sensation almost akin to burning, and the initial impression of two energy systems intertwined-
A Chuunin, Kakashi decided, slowly pushing open the door to see the intruder...
Sitting on the table, clutching what looked like cup ramen to his chest as if he would never let go...
"Naruto?" The copy-nin said, looking horribly confused for a moment.
The Kyuubi-container looked up, blue eyes flashing dangerously at the shock of seeing Kakashi-sensei, (in his underwear, no less), advancing on him with the barest hint of a bemused grin showing through the mask, and...
Iruka-sensei was woken by voices from down the hallway, blearily making his way into the kitchen mere seconds after the cry went up, just in time to hear the final and decisive 'thud' as Kakashi fell unceremoniously onto his backside. A quick scan of the room told the schoolteacher that yes, the window was open, yes, so was the kitchen cupboard, and yes, several items were missing.
"We've been robbed, eh?" Iruka said, trying not to grin too much at Kakashi's predicament, realising immediately what had happened, mainly due to the select items that were obviously absent. He idly scratched underneath his thick ponytail, yawning and stretching slightly. "I swear, I'll never fully understand that boy when it comes to-"
"I hate Sexy no Jutsu..." Kakashi scowled, cutting him off, still trying to stem the flow of his nosebleed.
On that very same roof Konohamaru and his team had been forced to repair, a very-much-naked 'Naruko' sat, happily eating her beloved noodles and seemingly oblivious to the chill.
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Fin.
Ally