A/N. I own absolutely nothing. This is still in progress. I'm new at this kind of stuff so I'm going to need A LOT of reviews from you guys. Don't worry, I have an open mind.

Would I Rather

Chapter 1

It's Thursday morning. Iris is at the table with her calculator, a pen, and some papers which I assume are my laboratory and consultation fees... again. I just finished my third cycle of chemotherapy last week and like always, my sister had busied herself managing loans, debts, bills, and god knows what more stuff it is that involves money.

As I approached the kitchen, I turned my back on her without saying anything, facing the counter to make some breakfast out of wheat bread. The truth is I'm starting to get tired of always seeing her stressed like that.

"I can make you some eggs if you want." She finally broke the morning silence.

Oh dear. Here she goes again – catering to me like I'm three years old. It's not that I'm getting annoyed by the fact that she treats me like one, no. I'm actually very much appreciative of it, really. But sometimes she does things a little too much especially in taking care of me. I mean, I have Leukemia and I already lost my hair but I can still change clothes myself! Iris really needs to lay off a few babysitting chores off her back. This is all just too much for her.

"Yeah and I'm 16, I can make them too." I told her monotonously – still not facing her. Then between us, there was again – silence.

"I'm going to go back to the clinic for a little while today. Will you be okay here alone?" Iris said sweetly. Somehow though, I didn't like the sound of it. Probably it was because of the "c" word I'm sick of hearing.

"Something wrong?" I nervously asked but trying my best not to sound anxious to her.

"No. Uh, Doctor Barden thinks that he can help us cut some of the costs." She sounded more positive this time.

Out of curiosity, I finally turned to face her. "How?"

"I – I have no idea." She piled the papers back into an envelope and finally stood from her seat. "But I'll find out." She said excitedly before heading to get dressed. It didn't take her more than ten minutes to get to the car and drive off.

Well great. That means she'll be out far from the bills for a while. Finally, my morning is starting to light up just by thinking about it.

I'm alone again in this melancholic house but I kind of like it. I can temporarily forget about my illness and the debts that Iris has to worry about because of it. These are the times when my mind has this little freedom to wander. My face can window the thoughts inside my head and no one will notice. No one will question it or confront me about it. And that's fine for me, since every time I'm around Iris, it seems like I have to act like I'm made of steel or pretend that I'm doing emotionally okay with all this. It's the least I could do for everything that she has done for me.

I sat by the porch after making myself a sandwich. Then here I went again doing what I'm great at: thinking. It's a growing hobby of mine, ever since things got pretty bad in our family. It's my way of staying by my worth. Thinking back, thinking about now, thinking 'what if,' thinking 'would I rather...' - I like doing all sorts of thinking. My most favorite though would be playing 'Would I rather,' but it's too early for that right now. I often spare about an hour for it before bed at night. At this time of the day I guess I'll challenge thinking back again. Yes, it's a challenge because everything grows more terrifying every time I look back; the events more vivid, the details much finer, & the sensations more scarring.

10 months ago...

"She's really not coming home." Mom said with full disappointment after a phone call with Iris. She walked about my hospital room back and forth, her face obvious of her longing.

"It's okay dear. She's in college. Iris is probably really that busy to leave Georgia. I'm sure she'll find time to pay us a visit after the holidays." My dad, the glass-is-always-half-full type, comforted my mom.

"It's been four months since she's been here, Will." Mom finally sat down. She leaned in to rest her head upon her hands in surrender. "I miss her."

Dad went over to her. "I know Kate. I do too. And-"

"She hasn't called in a month!" She interrupted. "I mean… we still talk over the phone but," she realized the exaggerated sense that she said. "Do I always have to be the one who makes the dialing? I don't know, Will. She's way farther from us this time."

Mom and Iris have this special bond. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought of the possibility that I'm adopted. She gives her everything she asked. Although I know that I'm loved just as much, Iris always has the slight edge. And here's my mom right now - freaked out by the fact that she gets to talk to Iris these days only twice a week (apparently a big deviation from the usual four times).

Mom and dad's conversation got cut for a while when the nurse knocked in to give my anti-emetics, or as I call it - my puke-gatekeepers. They're the only ones that make sense on every chemo. The rest is just some liquids 'destined' to make me better.

"Hey, just because Iris can't come to us for Christmas, doesn't mean we cannot go to her." Dad smiled at his 'Eureka!' moment.

Mom lifted her head – curious of what dad got to his head. "What? Wait, what do you-"

"If we leave at noon, we'll be in time for a Christmas Eve dinner at Georgia! Then we can spend the night at a nearby hotel and drive back here at dawn for Christmas day!" My dad's eyes were as wide as a happy puppy and his smile couldn't get any higher than it already was.

Mom seemed to be accepting his idea but she worriedly shook her head. "What about Raleigh? He'll be alone here at the hospital." Wow, my name magically turned up.

"No." She shook her head. "Um, I really want to see Iris but-"

"Mom, I'll be fine." I interrupted her. "I'm sure Iris would love to have you come over." I'm really glad that dad came up with this plan. Whatever it is that Iris is so busy about, I know that she's feeling lonely as well.

"You sure, kiddo?" Dad walked over to me. "We could just, you know – set up the laptop, log into Skype and all that."

"No dad, it's okay. I'll be okay. It's just for a night, right? I can manage." Dad sweetly smiled at me while brushing a thumb on my left shoulder. "Plus, if you put up with Skype I'm sure Iris will just come up with another excuse to showcase her unavailability." I teased.

Mom chuckled. "Alright then." She got up to walk over. "Sticking with the plan, we better get going."

She turned to me, "Raleigh honey, do you need anything else before we go?"

"Tell Iris I'm still looking forward to my swimming lessons that she promised two summers ago." I smiled upon bringing it up to the surface. "That is, if her college fats hasn't made her heavier for pool water." I laughed. "Tell her that for me."

Present time…

My Christmas Eve was peaceful that night. I was alone but it was soothing. Then when I didn't get a visit from my parents the next morning, off-putting thoughts started invading my head. I kept on convincing myself that they probably just enjoyed Iris's company that they decided to extend their stay. But when a red-nosed and puffy-eyed Iris surprisingly walked into my room later that afternoon, I fought off what was left of my positive spirit and actually believed there is trouble.

She immediately went over for a tight mourning hug and cried. It took me a couple of 'Iris, what's wrong?' interrogation and a lot of back-rubbing on her before she finally had the sense to tell me that our parents got into a car accident.

10 months ago…

Iris pulled back from the hug and said that she learned about it through a phone call from the police. "I was… about to get up m... My seat to start my pres... sentation in… in class when… when… I received it and-," she said in between sniffing. I could feel a barrel of tears pooling in my eyes.

Iris took a few deep breaths before continuing. "And suddenly, everything shot into dim and I could feel my heart hammering in my chest. I ditched my report, went straight to my dorm and cried endlessly. Raleigh they're gone. I don't know what to do. I feel like I let them down. I didn't come home for the holidays, I'm really sorry Raleigh. I wish I could-"

"Shhhh Iris. No, it's not your fault." I drew her back into a comforting hug. The barrel of tears that were held in my eyes lost control and started flooding down my face. "Iris, it was an accident. It's not your fault. Don't do this to yourself."

We were in that hug for a while - no words, just us seeking comfort in each other's presence.

"I enrolled in a few more classes this semester that's why I still had academic activities yesterday." She said in a calmer version of herself. "I know I hadn't been reaching out to you guys lately and I'm such an ass. Mom and dad didn't like it-"

"Iris, please." I begged as I found myself crying a lot more. "Look, they missed you and they just wanted to see you for Christmas that's why they planned to drive over and spend a night with you. They-" I got interrupted when she suddenly pulled back from the hug wearing a 'What are you saying Raleigh?' expression.

"They were… driving to Georgia? To me?"

"I- uh," With all her apologies earlier, how come she still didn't know that they were driving to her dorm? "Iris, I- I thought you knew. Yes, they planned to surprise you for a simple dinner."

Present time...

And here it goes again – Iris's point of devastation flashing back into memory. I regretted it so much that I mentioned it to her at that particular time. Just when I assumed at the moment that Iris couldn't get any more hurt because of what happened, I had pushed her way over the line and into an ugly realm of deeper self-inflicted pain.

And it has changed her forever.