Believe
By Staind
I've had that damn song in my head since Jimmy dropped me off...which has been three days total.
I sit alone and watch the clock,
Tryin' to collect my thoughts.
All I think about is you...
I never avert my eyes from the plain white clock with big black numbers on it, ticking and tocking just above the door that locks from the outside. There's no such thing as privacy here in the loony-bin. But, thanks to Wilson pulling a few strings, I have a room to myself...except for Amber and Kutner.
Thankfully, Kutner fades in and out, but Amber... The only time Amber disappears is when the imposter Cuddy comes...
And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the Devil I don't meet
In the dreams I live through...
God she- the real Cuddy- must hate me. For once, I should have never listened to Wilson. It's his-
"It's not his fault. You know that, because I know that."
'Shut up, Skutner.' I think.
Kutner's sad dark eyes glance at the clock. "Visiting time."
'Shut. Up.' I yell in my head. There was no sense in saying anything out loud. If you talked to someone that wasn't there, you were crazy. If you glared at someone who wasn't there, you were crazy. If you didn't do anything but stare at the clock, you were crazy...thus me being here...still.
Believe in me...
There's a knock on the door and a blonde nurse comes in and announces that I have visitors. Yip-fucking-e.
"Hey, Greg." Wilson says, walking in after the nurse left, leaving the door open.
I knew she was with him. I could tell by the way he was hovering on the opposite side of the room. He's waiting for her to come in, then he'll crack some scheme to give her some privacy with me.
I know you've waited for so long...
God, she looks beautiful. I'd never tell her that, but I'm free to keep thinking it. Her hair is fixed with those bold bangs that I like so much. She looks good...tired, but good. I can already see the heavy cover-up under her eyes.
"Hi, House."
"Skip the crap. Why are you two here?"
Jimmy glances over to Lisa, and she glances back. They both look worried.
"We came to see how you were doing." Jimmy says, slipping his hands into the pockets of his black slacks.
I turn to Lisa.
Believe in me...
"Wanted to see if you were doing okay. Are they going to rapid detox or-"
"Rapid. Tonight is my last dose of Vicodin." I spit out. I rub my leg, even though I just took Vicodin an hour ago.
I watch as James and Lisa have a silent conversation. They were decided on whether to tell me something big. Wonder who died this time.
Sometimes the weak become the strong...
"Funny." Kutner spits out, appearing in the corner. Amber is silently pacing back and forth behind the two sane people in the room. Every time she passes Lisa, she glares at her. And, since Amber's here while Lisa is, I know she's real. That, and I've never hallucinated James before.
"Did you hear me?"
"Huh?" I look up, James was leaning against the white stone wall (Lisa had pulled strings so I wouldn't have to be in the West Wing a.k.a. padded walls) and Lisa was just standing in the middle of the room looking at me, inspecting me.
Believe in me...
"I said-" She puts her left hand on her hip and I suddenly notice she's not wearing stilettos- "your team misses you."
This life's not always what it seems...
As she took a few quiet steps toward me, probably trying to gage my reaction, I notice that she's timid. Cuddy's never timid.
"Have they killed anyone yet?"
Believe in me...
"No." She says, stopping a few steps away from me.
'Cause I was made for chasin' dreams...
A nurse knocks on the door and enters, telling Wilson that his brother was ready to see him.
"I'll stop by before I leave." He says, glancing at me, then Lisa. She nods and gives him a half-hearted smile.
Lisa walks toward me, then turns to lean against the wall. I had my bed pushed into a corner, so she was on one wall and I was on the other.
All the smiles you've had to fake
I finally catch her eye after a few minutes of silence, and she smiles. I know it's fake. I could always tell when she would fake smiles and lie through her pretty white teeth.
And all the shit you've had to take
We are comfortable with the silence in the room, except for the tick and tock of the clock. We enjoy just being there for each other...always have.
Ever since Michigan, she has put up with all the crap I give her. From the snide or sexual comments to the real arguments where we can hardly stand each other, she's put up with it.
Just to meet us here again...
"I won't come again."
I look up at her, wondering why she would say something like that. She always was the one puzzle I could never figure out.
I've never have the things to say...
"Say something!" Kutner yells, placing his hand over Amber's mouth before she could say anything negative.
To make it all just go away...
"Wait- Lisa I-" I stutter, trying to somehow tell her that I need her, without making my hallucination become real. Not that I wouldn't want it to be real...
I search for words as she closes the door and slowly makes her way toward me. In her wonderful gray eyes I can see concern intertwining with worry and fear dancing with something I can't put my finger on.
To make it all just disappear...
Kutner is struggling to keep Amber under control while I try to think of words to say. They are so distracting.
Lisa notices my glances in the corner and moves to sit next to me on my small white sheeted bed, productively blocking them from my view.
She brushes her hand on my untrimmed stubble, looking up at me.
"Greg, please talk to me..."
Believe in me...
"I..."
I know you've waited for so long...
"I..."
Believe in me...
I take a deep breath, and look at Lisa Cuddy. My sadness is reciprocated in her..
Sometimes the weak become the strong...
"I want you to commmme..." I draw the word out, trying to figure out when I wanted her to come...
Believe in me...
"Every chance you get. I can't detox alone." I mutter the rest and turn my face away from her. I miss her gentle touch on my cheek already.
This life's not always what it seems...
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a tear roll down her pale cheek, then she quickly wipes it away and mutters a "I promise" and gets up to leave.
Believe in me...
"You idiot! You're looking for unconditional love from her aren't you?!" Amber yells, elbowing Kutner in the gut.
I say nothing.
"Well, she's got a kid that she gives her love to," Amber's voice raises, glaring from Lisa to me. "And besides, there's no such thing as 'unconditional love' so stop deluding yourself, Sherlock."
'Cause I was made for chasin' dreams...
Amber huffs when I don't say anything but just glare her back into the corner with Kutner. If I could have picked my hallucination it would have been Kutner. Amber's...well, she's a bitch and Cuddy's...still alive.
It's my life.
It's my choice.
"Greg?"
I look up at see Lisa standing there, hesitating by the door.
"Yeah?"
"It's your life. Don't hold back from your treatment or therapy or anything else they have you doing in here."
"Why do you care?"
Lisa looked so hurt by my question that I was about to apologize, but she spoke first.
"You son of a bitch." She whispers, walking toward me in the fast pace that she used in the hospital.
I suddenly have a small flash back to the night she had lost Joy...
"You son of a bitch!" Lisa yells louder. "Why do I fucking care? What kind of shitty question is that?"
"I-"
"Greg..." She sighs, her anger vented. Lisa kneels down in front of me, her hands resting on my knees. I could see her eyes glistening, like the way they did when she leaves the children's Oncology Wing during her time of the month.
"I care because your- dare I say it- a close friend. Whether I like it or not. I don't care just because your a big asset to the hospital-"
I was about to interrupt her by saying that she had fired me, but she held up her hand.
"- And you are un-fired." She huffs a laugh. "I care because a long time ago, I promised a man that I would always be there for him, and I try to never break a promise."
I look at her, a bit of awe in my eyes and probably worry.
"Are you really here?" I ask, looking down at her, then to the corner. Amber was still there and so was Kutner.
Hear my words.
Hear my voice.
...and just believe...
Lisa looks hurt for a second, then watches as my eyes leave her and travel to the corner. She turns her head, looks in the corner, and then back to me.
"Yes. I'm really here."
"Then come back tomorrow. I'll feel like shit...and...and you don't have to if-"
"And nothing. I'll come." Lisa says, giving me one of her classic grins and kisses my forehead as she stands.
"Promise?"
"Promise."
I watch as she knocks on the door. The blonde nurse opens it for her, and just before she leaves, Lisa glances at me.
"Greg?"
"Hm?" I don't look at her.
"You have to believe this is going to work...You might not believe you can do this, but I do."
I look up at her, searching her eyes for some sort of hint as to why she was saying this.
"I believe in you, Greg."
Then she was gone.
I sit alone and watch the clock...
Tryin' to collect my thoughts...
And all I think about is you...
I sit on my bed, just like before, and look at the clock. James had stopped by after seeing his brother. We had talked about the hospital and little things like that before he said he had a date and that he had to leave.
My only two friends had come and gone in an hour.
If you believe in me...
Life's not always what it seems...
Believe in me...
'Cause I was made for chasin' dreams...
"She was lying." Amber said, pacing around the room, her hands on her hips. "I could tell. She doesn't believe in you, she just wants you back at the hos-"
Believe in me...
I know you've waited for so long...
"Shut up, Amber." I mutter quietly, so none of the hall monitors would hear me.
Believe in me...
Sometimes the weak become the strong...
I kept thinking over and over that by this time tomorrow, I will be with Lisa and James again and hallucination free.
Believe in me...
This life's not always what it seems...
"And opium free."Kutner added happily, giving me a small smile.
Believe in me...
'Cause I was made for chasin' dreams...
Just twenty-four hours...
Twenty-three hours...
Twenty-two......
Twenty...one...
That night I dreamed of new cases, I dreamed of James, I dreamed of Rachel...I dreamed of Lisa...
"I believe in you, Greg."
---iOi---
So if you liked it or hated it or just think it was "okay" leave a comment! :D
All I ask is that you don't just leave flames. If you didn't like it, tell me how I could make it better & I will change it. :D
Thank you, so much. ;D
-- iOi
(illusion of innocence)