Fragments of Innocence
I recall once Sano asking me why I do the laundry for Kaoru-dono. I've often told him that it's because she'll whack me with her shinai if I don't, but he knows as well as I do that I could avoid the blows if I wanted to.
I think the truth has something to do with the fact that when I'm washing the clothes, I don't have to think about the next great battle that lies just around the corner. I've seen blood and death to cover a lifetime, and I'm only twenty-eight. Or am I twenty-nine? I can never remember.
Anyway, back to my point. I had a point, you see...
Oro... Where was I?
Oh yes. I have seen blood and death and sickness. I have seen betrayal, and treason, and the retribution of those actions. I was part of a revolution. I saw my family die of cholera. I became Kenshin, the student. I became Battousai, the killer. I became myself, the rurouni.
I do the laundry because it helps me forget what I was, and the blood-paved path that led to the person I am now.
That and the fact that it's damn satisfying to get a stubborn stain to come out clean. Perhaps it's my own mind playing on the stains of my own life, taking my current actions as a metaphorical pail of water and washboard and soap, trying desperately to rub the dirt away.
Or maybe I let Kaoru-dono hit me one time too many.
*****
"Oi, Kenshin!"
I turn away from the pile of dirty clothes. Sano is here. He is always here when I need distraction of another sort.
I've often wondered what he would say to me if I ever told him that he distracts me. He'd probably take it in the context of a fight, and tell me "Sagara Sanosuke is never a distraction during battle!" The truth is that I never have to worry about him when I'm fighting. He can take care of himself.
No, when I am distracted by Sano, it's because he's decided to do some chummy male-bonding thing with me. He's taken me to gambling halls. He's taken me drinking with him.
He's been my friend when I haven't had one in years.
"Oi, doin' the laundry for Jou-chan again?" I smile at him. He grins at me in return, nodding toward the pail and washboard. "Keep this up, and when you marry her, nobody'll know who wears the kimono and who has the sword."
His dark eyes dance with amusement. I know he doesn't realize what he said, or how it struck me.
When I marry Kaoru-dono. Not if. Not maybe. But when.
"Oro?" I fall back on my old response, scratching the back of my head like I don't understand.
He shakes his head. "Nothing," he replies, a bit quieter. He acts like I should believe it, so I don't. I keep a corner of my mind open for more observation of this. I want to know why he said that. I want to know why he thinks like that.
I want to know why it bothers me so.
"Are you staying for dinner, Sano?" I ask. Putting on my most oblivious expression, I add, "Kaoru-dono is making ohagi." Free food motivates Sano like nothing else. Even the promise of a good fight comes in at second place. Even if the food is Kaoru-dono's.
I want Sano's distraction.
He scuffs his shoe in the dirt for a moment, not quite meeting my eyes. I fight the urge to frown. This is peculiar behavior for him. Hesitating when offered food? Not Sano's usual reaction. Not at all.
"Oro?" I peer at him. He almost jumps, startled, finally meeting my eyes with his own. "Sano, is something wrong?"
"Nothing." He shakes his head. "Nothing at all." Twice this dismissal. I begin to wonder, but as soon as I do, the melancholy expression fades into his more normal cocky grin. "Jou-chan's cooking... I'll have to stay here just to see if it's improved since the last time."
"The more I eat Kaoru-dono's cooking, the better it tastes," I tell him. I don't tell him, however, that it's because every time I eat her cooking, more of my sense of taste is scraped off my tongue.
Something flashes across his face when I mention Kaoru-dono. Some dark thread of emotion that I never noticed before. What was that? It is almost a conscious effort for me to not to grab that shirt of his and pull his face down to where I can inspect it clearly.
"Oi, can you taste anything at all? You live with her, you've had to put up with that crap the longest."
I search his face for a moment longer, but whatever had flashed there is gone. Did I imagine it?
Yes. I must have. I'm sure of it.
*****
Kaoru-dono is asleep. I can tell without even peeking into her room to check on her. I smile, moving back down the hallway to where Sano is sitting. He has his elbows on the table, a sake cup balanced between his thumb and forefinger.
"Oi, Kenshin... You finished puttin' Jou-chan to bed?"
I smile at him, taking my seat at the table beside him. "Kaoru-dono is asleep. I think it has something to do with the cup of sake you bullied her into drinking."
Sano snorts, pouring a cup and offering it to me. I take a sip. Until he had come along with his warm friendship, I did not drink sake all that much. One would think that with a master such as mine, it would be unavoidable that I would end up a drunk. The truth was, I never really developed a taste for it. Yes, I can recognize good sake. I even enjoy it. But I do not actively seek it out.
The sake is warm and good. My master once said to me that if sake tastes bad, it is because there is something wrong with the drinker.
I suppose that means that there's nothing wrong with me tonight.
We sit in silence, pouring each other drinks when we need it, but mostly sitting in peace. It's times like this, when the world seems to have stopped for a moment, when nothing needs to be said or done and no battles need to be fought, that I enjoy Sano's friendship the most.
He sighs, the lids of his eyes drooping a bit. With a resigned look, he puts the cup down. "I guess your self-control has had an effect on me." He looks up and smiles. "I'm only a little drunk, and I feel like stopping."
I watch Sano get to his feet, pull his shirt around his shoulders for warmth, and head for the door. "I'll let myself out," he tells me.
"Where are you going?" I ask. It's stupid. I know very well where he is going. I just feel like I should hear it from him. Like he should account to me where he is at all times. I try to shake the feeling away.
"Home," he replies, a bit distantly. "If I stay, I might drink some more, and do something really foolish."
Foolish? Sano? I have to smile. "Oro, you already do foolish things and I don't mind."
He turns to me, cheeks flushed pink from the sake, eyes serious and dark. "I mean it. Not stuff where I run off and make a fool of myself, not where I get into a fight for no reason at all. Something really stupid."
My smile leaves me. Sano is only this serious over important things. Most fights aren't even included. I get to my feet, my hands loosely clenched into fists. "What do you mean?"
He shakes his head. "Nothing. Really, it's nothing. I'm going." He starts to turn back towards the door, but I stop him. Somehow, I get the feeling that if I don't pursue this now, I will never see the matter's resolution.
"What is it?" I press harder.
"I might do things. Say things that I shouldn't say."
"Is that why you stopped drinking?"
"That and a hundred other reasons. Let me go, Kenshin."
He pulls on his sleeve, trying to wrench it from my grip. I pull in the opposite direction, forcing him to stay. Forcing him to answer when somewhere inside of me I know that he will do something to surprise me. "What would you do, Sano? What?"
I am right. What he does IS shocking. He turns to me suddenly, wrenching his arm out of my grip and grabbing my shoulder in return, all in one smooth movement.
Then he kisses me.
I stare at him in shock. His voice is low, throaty, and I can tell that he is furious at himself for doing it. "That," he answers.
He pulls away, runs a hand through his hair. "I'm going home," he proclaims softly.
He leaves me alone with the sake bottle.
*****
"Kenshin? Kenshin?"
I realize with a start that Kaoru-dono has called my name several times with out my noticing. I get to my feet, blink at her with every ounce of befuddled confusion I'm feeling. "Oro?" Is it just me, or do I sound helpless, even to my own ears?
Kaoru-dono's eyes are worried. I hate to worry her, but it seems to be my lot in life.
"Is something wrong, Kenshin?"
I sit again. Things are almost always wrong. There's always someone out there, trying to kill me and those I love. I try to brush her question away. "Wrong? Kaoru-dono, why would anything be wrong?"
She nearly jabs me in the eye. "You have that look that is all serious, with your eyes narrowed. You haven't heard a word I've said, and you haven't TOUCHED the dirty dishes. Something has to be wrong."
I evade her eyes, which are trying to pierce me with their concern. I shouldn't trouble her with something like this, something that seems so insignificant...
But it wouldn't be bothering me if it weren't significant, would it? Sano hasn't done anything since that night, when he kissed me. He comes over and jokes, eats the food, and appears to be his normal self. He and I have not spoken about that time, knowing that we both are uncomfortable with what happened.
I haven't said anything to Kaoru-dono yet. She's looking more concerned as time goes on.
"It's nothing," I tell her.
Her face darkens, and one eyebrow lifts in preparation for a long, loud lecture. I hold up my hands in defense, backing away slowly. "Which enemy from the past is hunting you THIS time?" she begins. "What horrible killer wants to test his strength against the legendary Battousai? What horrible person wants to wreak his revenge on you now?
"No one. There is no one. Really, Kaoru-dono. There is no one coming after me. I haven't talked to Saitou in over a month, there haven't been any death threats... Everything is so peaceful!" To my surprise, I'm yelling. Kaoru-dono stares at me, shocked.
"Ken...shin..?"
I sigh. She is not going to accept my answer now. Better to distract her with something else... anything else... Just something to soothe her worry away. I flounder, realizing that I'm unable to talk on a most subjects that don't involve fighting of some kind. My childhood? I was a farmer's son, and then a slave, and then a student. There is not much for me to fall back upon. My ten years wondering? Most of it was being cold and tired and hungry. But that relates back to fighting, doesn't it? And that is what I'm edging away from. I have to assure her that she's not in any physical danger.
"Have you ever thought of getting married?"
She looks down, cheeks bright pink. "Marriage?" she repeats in a soft voice. Shakily, she sits on the step next to me. "Why do you ask?"
I shake my head, flushing as well. This was not how in envisioned this conversation going, not in the least. "It has to do with something that Sano told me," I try to explain.
"Is that what's bothering you?"
Yes and no. I search for a way to answer. "Kaoru-dono, you know that I care for you... That I want to protect you..." I look up at her. She doesn't meet my gaze, instead focusing on where her hands lay folded in her lap. Her cheeks are bright red, and I suddenly realize what she's thinking. "Ororo..." I moan, holding my head in my hands, my eyes pressed shut.
How do I explain this? It's because of me that she has gone through so much. It's because of me that she's almost died so many times.
My fault. Always my fault.
"I'm not protecting you like this," I tell her. She looks up, startled. Her blue eyes are bright and liquid. There I go again, injuring those I care for. It's just not fair. "Being here, I'm just a magnet to all of the killers and fighters and former hitokiri out there. It's not fair to you or Yahiko to put you in this much danger."
"But..." she falters, on the edge of tears. I want to wrap my arms around her, to comfort her, but who would find comfort in the arms of a killer?
Was I ever this innocent? This untouched? Yes, before I met Hiko. Before I dug those graves in the night, burying the bandits and the slavers together.
Akane-san. Kasumi-san. Sakura-san.
Tomoe.
All of the women in my life have died because of me. Because they were protecting me. I can't let that happen to Kaoru-dono. She's too precious, too innocent. I want to keep all of the death and pain as far away from her as possible.
I love her. I love her wide eyes, and the innocence reflected there. I want to keep everything that is dark and ugly away from this person who is precious to me, this sister that I never had.
But I can't touch her. I don't want to touch her.
"Kaoru-dono..." I struggle to find the words, to say something to comfort her, or at the very least explain. She is so much younger than I am, so less troubled. I've tried to protect her by leaving her behind, and all she does is follow me. "Your life was so much more peaceful before I came," I tell her. "Do you ever miss that?"
She falters, suddenly unsure. "I miss all of my students, and the way everything fell together neatly," she confesses. "But I wouldn't trade you for the peace that I've had! Because of you, the Kamiya Dojo is still standing. Because of you, I know Yahiko and Sanosuke and Megumi and Misao and Aoshi. There's so much I would have missed. So much that I love now that wouldn't be the same if you left me."
"I can't leave you now," I whisper. "You're in too much danger because of me. Because I've lived here. Because everyone knows that I'm here. Because Battousai lives here."
She relaxes a little. I've convinced her that I'm not going to leave. That I can't leave. But she is still unsure of what I am saying. That's perfectly understandable. I'm not too sure of what I'm saying, either.
"So what are you saying?"
Now for the truth, whatever it is. It's time to search deep within myself and try to figure out why I'm in a quandary over this. Sano's kiss. Kaoru-dono's love. Everyone's assumption that I will marry her.
"I don't love you, Kaoru-dono, not the way you want me to. You have so much light inside of you, such brightness that I can never touch. Even if I were to marry you, nothing would change between us. You will always be Kaoru-dono. I'm sorry."
There, now I've done it.
She runs off, tears streaming down her reddened cheeks. I call after her, but she doesn't answer. She runs out of the yard, into the street, and doesn't look back.
I stare at her for a moment, then head inside to wash the dishes. For everything that's happened to her, the battles, the kidnapings, the threats she's faced... At least I can give her this.
*****
I'm almost frantic by the time Sano shows up. "Kaoru-dono is missing," I tell him. She has not returned, not after I hurt her and she ran away crying. Megumi-dono stopped by, looking for her as well. She is nowhere to be found, and my imagination keeps terrible images close to the front of my mind.
Could something have happened to her? Could she have been taken by someone seeking revenge? All I know is that she is gone.
Sano puts a hand on my shoulder. It's warm and steady, soothing. "Kenshin, calm down. What happened?"
I feel reluctant to inform him that his actions prompted the conversation that may have put her life in danger. "We were talking," I reply, "about marriage."
Sano suddenly goes rigid. His face is pale, dark eyes pained. I suddenly realize that I've been an idiot again. Of course he would come to the same conclusions that Kaoru-dono did. I open my mouth to explain, but he turns away from me, heads out for the street. "I'll check with Tae, see if she knows anything. You ask Saitou if there are any strong fighters in Tokyo, anyone who might want to kidnap Battousai's woman."
Battousai's woman.
He believes it too. I call out after him, but he is already gone. Is it inevitable that I end up hurting those close to me? I stare at my hands, imagine that I can see the blood there, taste it and smell it. I have destroyed so much, taken so much, and what have I given in return?
Death. Sorrow. Pain.
My redemption will never--can never--catch up to my sins. All I can do is try to keep the damage away from the others.
And what that means is that I must focus, that I must cast these thoughts aside and try to find Kaoru-dono and make things better in the only way I know how. It is the same way I have tried to repent for all of my previous sins. I'm an old man trapped in a young body. I've been an old man for much longer than my ten years of wandering. I can't seem to recall a time when I didn't feel the weight of this all, of this scar on my face, of the memory of that day in the snow, and my failure.
The sword that protects life. Kaoru-dono's "joke" about swordsmanship. It has one fundamental truth that I agree with on all levels.
To protect is to sacrifice oneself.
For Kaoru-dono, I would sacrifice anything.
*****
I hear her voice as I'm crossing the bridge on my way to Saitou. I freeze, searching my surroundings for her. I want to find her, to keep her safe from every monster that is following me through these peaceful times. Finally, when my initial search turns no results, I lean over the side of the bridge and see them both.
Kaoru-dono is standing on the rocks below, heedless of the river's swift current that is sweeping past her feet. If she looks up, she will see me here, looking worried and perhaps a bit foolish with my ponytail hanging upside-down. But she is not looking around, she is not seeing me here, or the water running under the bridge.
No, she is looking at Sano.
Now I can hear his voice, low but furious, barely audible above the sounds of the water. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Kaoru?" She replies with something that I cannot hear, but I can judge from Sano's reaction. "The hell he doesn't! You're standing here moping while he's worried SHITLESS about you! If that doesn't prove it to you, then I don't know what will."
The polite thing to do would be to walk away. I'm eavesdropping, after all, on a conversation that was never meant for my ears. But for some reason, I can't pry myself away. I want to know what he is going to say to her. I HAVE to know. Maybe then, I can figure out why I care so much.
She looks up at him, face flushed. "Shut up, Sanosuke! You don't know what you're talking about!"
"The hell I do!" he responds, clenching his hands into fists. "You're not the only one who's in love with him!"
Stillness.
I try to breathe.
"Sanosuke...?"
His voice drops again, and I have to strain to hear him. "When he left for Kyoto to beat Shishio, you were the one he told goodbye. Not me. I know it sucked for you, Kaoru, but at least you got that much. He just left me behind like I was nothing to him." He closes his eyes and his hands go limp. Defeated. "I would follow him anywhere, chase him into any battle. But that doesn't mean he wants me there."
She says something too soft for me to hear. Sano doesn't react for a moment then shrugs and faces the water, his head bent so all I can see is his messy hair.
"Sano..."
He starts suddenly, turning and looking upward to where I am. Kaoru-dono follows the motion, a question written across her face which vanishes when she sees me. But my attention is on Sano and his bottomless eyes.
As Kaoru-dono comes to meet me on the bridge, I try to ignore him. I smile at her and scold her for worrying me so, and she hangs her head in apology. He doesn't say anything or do anything, he is just there.
Always there.
"Let's go home, Kenshin," she tells me, tugging at my sleeve. "It's time for dinner."
"Go on ahead without me, Kaoru-dono. I'll be along in a few minutes." She hesitates, looking between me and Sano, then nods.
And then I am alone with him.
"You heard." It is not a question.
I nod, not entirely sure of what I need to say to him. I need to say something, anything to ease this strained silence we have. "I think we need to talk."
"What do we have to talk about?" he asks, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.
"I am not sure," I admit. "Something. Anything. As long as we are talking."
For the first time since that kiss, he smiles at me.
*****
We sit on the front step together, watching Yahiko and Kaoru-dono as they go through their usual ritual of training. Yahiko looks in my direction from time to time, perhaps wondering if the difference in Kaoru-dono has something to do with me. As for Kaoru-dono... she remains focused on Yahiko. We act as if nothing has changed, but something has. She looks at me less, blushes less when I speak to her, and her temper has cooled considerably.
I wonder if her infatuation with me is fading.
Sano chuckles softly as the ritual dissolves into fighting and taunts, Kaoru-dono chasing Yahiko around, waving her shinai. Turning, I stare at him for a long moment. He is, for the moment, perfectly content to be at my side. We are not even touching, yet I can feel the heat of his skin, and with a lapse of concentration, I can taste that brief, smoldering kiss.
I wonder if I can love him back.
I lost everything in the snow that day. My home, my security, my love... and the last of my innocence, shattered with a single stroke of a katana. Numbed to the core, I wandered wearing a mask of gentleness, a facade of my former innocence, when what I see beneath those layers is nothing more than a killing machine.
"You okay, Kenshin?"
I don't reply at first. Instead, I lean against the comforting support of his shoulder. His hand seeks mine and I let our fingers twine. "When you look at me, what do you see?"
He doesn't hesitate. "A man--a very tired man--trying his damnedest to protect all of the innocents around him. That's the Kenshin I fell in love with. Not the sweet-faced rurouni, not the incredible Battousai, just you."
"And you want to help me protect those innocents?"
He laughs softly. "Not exactly. This is going to sound really dumb, but..." He turns away from the scene in the yard, towards me, untangling his hand from mine to gently touch the scar on my face. "I want to protect you. Your innocence."
I almost laugh at him. "I don't have any innocence left."
"Yes you do," he insists. "If you didn't, you would have reverted to Battousai a long time ago. It may not be much, but it's there. And that makes it all the more special."
There is nothing I can say in reply. I only resume my position against his shoulder and stare after Kaoru-dono and Yahiko. Their tussle is winding down with Kaoru-dono as the victor, as usual. She holds him tight by the collar, heedless of his struggling, but freezes when she sees us. Perhaps, for a moment, there is a flash of jealousy in her. I cannot tell. All I see is her hesitate, then smile.
I smile back at her. Yahiko just stares, his mouth agape, then jerks himself out of Kaoru-dono's grip and demands to know what's going on. Once again, she grabs him by the collar and drags him away, allowing Sano and me some time alone together.
"But they're two GUYS!" he exclaims.
"Shush! It's romantic and you'll understand when you're older, Yahiko-chan."
"Don't call me Yahiko-chan!"
Sano chuckles deep in his throat, and I close my eyes at the sound. His arm falls across my shoulder and tentatively pulls me closer. He's so warm, so tender, holding me like I'm some precious thing that will break if he holds me too tight.
Me.
It takes a certain kind of innocence to fall in love. It, like Kaoru-dono's sword that protects life, requires a great deal of self-sacrifice and trust. If nothing else, I trust Sano. I trust him to hold me like this when anyone else would have been politely pushed away. Maybe he's right after all. Maybe I do have what it takes to love that completely again. Even if all I have left are fragments of my innocence, for him, I'm willing to try.
Then I look up at him, see the look in his eyes, and I realize that I don't have to try hard.