WARNING! I AM PURPOSELY GOING TO BE OFFENSIVE! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED (or triggered, for safety measures) DO NOT CONTINUE! If you don't give a shit either way, please, continue, enjoy, and have fun. (PS, I'm trying to offend myself, so if this hits home, realize that it's something I feel strongly about in one sense or another. And I'm not comedian material) ALSO, sensitive topics will be discussed.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for Levi Ackerman!" The announcer yelled on the loudspeaker, and Levi just rolled his eyes as he walked out with his microphone. Everyone was clapping, a few screaming, and cheering. Levi just stood on the stage and waited until everything got on his nerves before speaking.

"Alright motherfuckers, quiet down it's the same shit as last time. Offensive midget with a potty mouth." And for some reason, everyone cheered again. "No, I mean it. Shut the fuck up." More screaming. "I will cut you. I mean it. And I don't mean that paper cut shit. I mean I will straight up Jack the Ripper your ass."

"Now that I have your attention, I will go over the usual shit. I give no fucks. I will offend you, it is my goal. If you leave giddy, good for you, you have problems. So, first offensive topic, politics. As you all know, gay marriage has been legalized in the United States." There were cheers throughout the crowd. "And we found the LGBT+ crowd. Now, I don't have a problem with queers, some of my best friends are." Levi looked around the crowd. "I said I have friends that are, so it's alright for me to use that word." Levi was quiet for a second. "Do you see how stupid that shit is. Like fucking seriously? I'm a prick and that shit is fucking retarded. That's about as reasonable as all of you saying 'I know a comedian that used to be a thug, so I'm thug and can use the word 'pig' to describe cops'. No. That shit's stupid, and so are you."

"Now, back to gay marriage. I personally don't find what the big fucking deal is. I personally believe marriage is bullshit. You want to know what marriage is? Prison." And Levi continued. "Have you been to prison? I have. It was only one year, but it's shit, literal shit. There is shit everywhere. And you want to know why that's marriage? Because it's not even your own shit. It's someone else's shit everywheres. You have to go to court to get out of it, you aren't always sure if your cellmate is sane, but in a marriage, the food, housing, and cable isn't free." Levi finished and the crowd laughed and clapped.

"So I don't see why you all fought so hard. Not getting married is easier. Something goes wrong, oh well, move on. It's easier that way. I personally, never want to marry. Why? Because then I have to share my apartment with someone else. Someone else will be shitting in my toilet. Someone else's shit will come into my house. And does this face look like it wants to share anything?" Levi just looked out to the crowd as a few people cheered. "Those fuckers who just cheered better hope their significant other isn't next to them or they are officially single as of..." Levi waited a few seconds, looking at his watch. "Now."

"And that is why I don't date. Who wants to deal with that? You piss them off, and they leave. And why do most of us get into relationships? If you say love, you're fucking lying to yourself. It's for the sex and we all know it. I don't need to go through drama if I want to get off. I also don't do one night stands. I don't know you, I'm not putting my dick in any part of you if I only know you drink martinis and your first name starts with M. I don't know how many other people you've slept with, and I am not risking getting AIDS because you decided to go bareback once. I have a hand, and porn is plentiful, I'm perfectly fine." Cheers from the crowd. Levi walked to a different part of the stage.

"I've got some gossip for you. Most comedians say story, I say gossip. I say that because you guys will spread this shit like wildfire. I'll go on the internet after this show, and it will be everywhere..." Levi paused for a minute as if having a revelation. "Holy fuck I'm talking to high school girls aren't I?" And a few cheers came from the crowd. Levi stood quiet for a second. "Who the fuck would bring teenagers to this?" And so Levi's show continued. He compared teenage girls to vultures as well as fun house mirrors because 'they're so damn two-faced sometimes you can't tell what the real face looks like' and went on to tell his 'gossip' about the time he and Erwin had went to a bar that ended with Mexican food that 'burned my ass like a volcano.'

As Levi was leaving the show, a figure walked up to him.

"Um... excuse me, Mr. Ackerman?" The voice said. Levi turned and was ready to pull out his pocket knife. Old habits died hard, very, very hard. What Levi saw was a man, a kid really. Was he even old enough to be out this late? It was one in the morning. He was taller than Levi by a few inches, and he had big, green eyes that shimmered in the light of the shitty parking lot light. Brown hair and tan skin that would make most models jealous, it looked so natural.

"What?" Levi snapped eventually, but the brat didn't seemed deterred.

"Um, well, I was wondering if I could get an autograph."

"I already did my signing." Levi said. The boy frowned a little.

"I know, but I was at the end when you had said you were done... and I need to get this signed." The boy continued.

"What the hell is so important that-"

"It's a recording of your first show." The boy cut in. He seemed to realize his mistake, but he kept going. "You see... my mother had seen you when you first started, before you became so well known, and she was a huge fan, and she wanted to come see this special, since it was also your first time being recorded for an actual DVD release... but she passed away last month, and she had wanted to get you to sign this, so I HAD to get it signed... for her." The boy's eyes had changed from green to blue during his story, and he had begun to get choked up as he spoke.

Levi's first show had been years ago, a decade, maybe a little more. That means that, who ever this woman was, had taken a camcorder to his first time in a comedy club, and recorded his first time trying comedy. Levi knew what it was like losing a mother, and damn it if it didn't hit him in just the right way.

"All right you shit, hand it over." Levi said, pulling out a pen. The boy smiled as he handed the VHS casing over. It was obviously well loved, Levi could see the tape thinning and it looked a little banged up, but it was a home video of his first show. So he signed it, asking the name and putting 'Carla Yeager' on as well. He handed it back to the boy and saw that he as finally crying.

"Thank you so much Mr. Ackerman. This means everything to me!" And the boy gave a bright smile as he gave a quick bow and ran off. Levi allowed a small smile cross his lips.

"He must look like his mother." He thought allowed, before shaking the thought away and getting into his car.

Levi was in the middle of another gig.

"You all remember hearing about Hange right? My crazy Genderfluid friend that mixed frog intestines with squirrel shit when we were younger, claiming it could cure anything? Yeah, well, this dumbass forced me out to a bar. So I'm sitting in this dingey ass place that obviously hadn't been cleaned right and they had only called the shittest of health inspectors to clean it. I swear to God I saw a fucking cockroach. So I, being the clean freak I am, made a fucking scene. And you know what that nut job does? Hange picked the fucking thing up, and dropped it into..." Levi paused to think. "The pronouns that day were she/her, and according to Hange when I'm telling stories about her, I can use whichever pronouns she was using that day. So back to the gossip, she dropped the cockroach into her drink. Because she wanted to get it DRUNK and see if it could walk a straight line." There were a few laughs.

"It's not fucking funny! I fucking left her ass there. And she was my ride. I fucking walked back to my apartment, which was one the other side of the city, and nearly froze my dick off. I got a call from Erwin later telling me that he had to go pick... him up the next day. Pronouns changed. Okay, since I'm talking about Hange, I want to get a few things out. They're all fucking nuts. Hange does experiments, Erwin's the head of some huge important business with caterpillars for eyebrows and a Captain America complex. You think I'm lying. That fucker was mistaken for Chris Evans once. The idiot that did was also either high or drunk off his ass, maybe a little bit of both with an acid trip thrown in. But anyways, back to Shit Specs."

"You want to know what sucks about Hange? Know one with ever accept... pronouns today I believe are he/him, so him. No one will accept him because of who he is. Gay marriage is legal, whoop dee fucking do, but if your gender identity doesn't line up with your sex, your a fucking freak. And what's worse for Hange, is that he's abrosexual." Levi scanned the crowd as a few people cheer. "Most of you seem to be ignorant fucks, so here's a quick life lesson. Abrosexual means that you flucuate between sexualities. And for those who didn't make it past high school, fluctuate means to continually change. So Hange's sexuality and gender can never be pinned down. You never know which pronouns to use, or what he's interested in. And for those of you who judge people like that." Levi held up his middle finger. "Meet me in the parking lot because I'm going to fuck you up!" There were loud cheers around the hall he was performing in, and Levi stood, slightly proud and regretting how Hange will smother him in his chest later.

"Continuing on. Why does Hange's sexuality and gender suck? Imagine this." Levi said. "You are always changing, daily, weekly, monthly, hourly, and you love neuroscience." Levi looked around. "Hange is his favorite thing to study. Hange is a neuroscientist and one of the best, and I am not saying this because he's my best friend. Fucker needs to be the nut house I swear. I'm saying it because he literally has the current title, and he has in framed in his office at home. Why at home, because Hange is also sort of humble and only likes rubbing that shit in my face because I make a living off making shit jokes while he tries to find out why you fuckers think it's funny. Not the point. But Hange will talk about how his brain must work and he's trying to figure himself out. And you want to know what I finally told him?" The room was silent. "'You are Hange Zoe, top neuroscientist in the world, crazy mother fucker, and." Levi paused. "I regretted saying the next part. But I told Hange that the most important thing was, that he was my friend. He cried for three hours straight, on my shoulder, and then tried to kiss me. Needless to say I pushed him off, told him he needed to take a god damned shower, and continued with our evening of drinking and making fun of Erwin's eyebrows."

The night ended and Levi was heading to his car when he noticed something laying on the roof. He grabbed it to see a letter.

I was too nervous to approach you after last time, so I'm being a pussy. I wanted to thank you again for signing my mother's VHS a few months back. It means a lot to me. I just watched your show tonight (I wrote this in advance, sue me) and it was awesome. And this is going to sound really weird, and I obviously shouldn't be doing this, but I was wondering if you'd like to go out for coffee or tea sometime? If not, just throw this away, but if so, call XXX-XXX-XXXX. And by the way, my name's Eren.

Levi stared at the note for a few minutes and sighed. He never met up with fans like this, and he doesn't know what compelled him to dial the number, or accept the request, but he did it anyways.

Levi was sitting in the chosen cafe ten minutes early. He had a thing about being on time or early. He didn't believe that 'better late than never' shit. Because too late leads to people dying. And three minutes before the designated time, the boy that had brought Levi his mother's recording of his first show came in, looking around for a place to sit, and instead finding Levi. He walked over with a small smile.

"You're early." The boy said, Eren, if he was telling the truth about his name in the note. Levi nodded.

"I have a thing for punctuality." Levi said, watching Eren sit down. "So Eren, why did you want to see me?" Levi asked, cautious as he watched Eren wave down a waitress. Eren turned back to him with a small blush and a smile.

"Well, I wanted to talk to you again, apologize for the sob story when we first met." Eren said, turning to the waitress and ordering a sweet tea, Levi ordering a bitter one. "And I guess I wanted to sort of get to know the man that made my mother smile when my father was cheating on her." Eren said. Levi nodded slowly.

"Well, I have a website for that and the media-"

"The media is shit." Eren said, looking Levi dead in the eyes. "You said so yourself. And your website only says which state you were born in and the type of comedy you're known for. And though your shows speak a lot about you as a comedian and bits of your personality, I want to actually know you." Eren continued. Levi's eyes narrowed.

"I'm pretty sure I said I don't date." Levi snapped. The waitress came and put down their teas and asked if they wanted anything else, but they both sort of waved her off. Eren sighed.

"I know that. Besides, it's not like you're gay." Eren said with a small frown.

"You don't know that." Levi said with a shrug. Eren looked at him with wide eyes.

"Are you?" Eren asked. Levi shrugged again.

"Are you?" Levi said back. Eren blushed slightly, but shook his head.

"No, I'm bi." Eren said lightly. Levi nodded.

"Well, I don't think you need to know my sexuality." Eren's head snapped up as his eyes narrowed.

"Hey! That's not fair! I told you mine!" Eren snapped.

"And life isn't fair, deal with it." Levi said sternly, taking a sip of his tea. He noticed Eren's furrowed eyebrows smooth out as his face changed from anger to curiosity, and then amazement. "What?" Levi asked once he put his cup down.

"That was so cool! The way you hold your cup to drink! I've never seen anyone hold their cup like that before." Eren said with a smile. Levi rolled his eyes.

"You're easily impressed." Levi said as he took another sip of his tea.

"Well, I look up to you. I remember watching your shows when I was in middle school. So I've just kind of dreamed of this moment." Eren blushed lightly with his confession and Levi shook his head as he looked as Eren's eyes turned a slightly brighter shade of green.

"So is meeting me in a cafe all you fucking hoped it'd be?" Levi asked. Eren thought for a second.

"Well, it would be if you'd share your sexuality with me since I shared mine. But... you don't share it for a reason, right?" Eren asked, shocking Levi for not even a second. "I shouldn't be pushy because it's not my place. We aren't close or anything. You're a comedian, and I'm a fan. I should be happy you even agreed to meet with me. And I am. Sorry for being pushy, I get it from my mom." Eren smiled and laughed lightly, eyes changing back to a blue green. Levi sighed.

"Pan." He said, catching Eren off guard.

"What?" Levi clicked his tongue.

"I said I was pan." Levi repeated, a little more bitter. When Eren finally realized what Levi was saying, his face split into a wide grin.

"Thank you for telling me! Oh, and I won't tell anyone. I'm assuming you don't want that to be common knowledge." Eren put a finger to his mouth as his smile widened enough to cause his eyes to close, showing all of his teeth, white and sparkling. Levi couldn't help but think 'cute smile', which then made him irritated with himself as he returned to drinking his tea, which tasted just the slightest bit sweeter.

"So my friend Erwin and his wife just had their first baby." Levi said in his stand up, causing a roar to be had in congratulations to the news. "Don't cheer for that shit, that makes me the mandatory uncle, if I wasn't already deemed godfather." Another cheer. "And I plan on being a mafia boss godfather. I've got the resting bitch face, the criminal background. All I'm missing if the Italian accent, a cat, and a bunch of idiots that will follow me and do my bidding. Wait." Levi said as he looked out at the crowd. "I've already got the idiots because I've the lot of you." Levi said, then sighed. "I even have the damn whores. I swear to god, the next woman to throw her goddamn panties at me, I will choke you with them. I could probably slit your throat with them too. They're nothing but string anyways."

"Why the ever living fuck would you want to have a wedgie all day? Not just that, but when you take them off, the entire string has turned brown with shit. It's gross, and stupid. You want to feel sexy? Be confident. I hear a lot of people find that sexy. A confident woman that doesn't need a man to fucking protect her all the damn time. Because not all men want to treat you like a fucking princess, but like a damn equal. And maybe they want to feel like a prince every so often. Not everyone wants to put you on a damn pedestal, and not everyone wants to see your ass, so cover it the fuck up. Your skirt is short enough that we can see your midback. And if a man looks, they get slapped. If you don't want a man to look at your ass, cover it the fuck up. Guys, all because you see a girl's ass doesn't mean you have to stare at it all night. And this goes all around the board. If you see someone's ass, don't stare at it, and if you don't want people to stare at it, cover it the fuck up. It's common fucking sense!"

"And guys, your significant other is never to be below you unless you're fucking or you're on a higher fucking step. I may not want to be in a relationship, but I have seen shit fail so hard you would never believe. You treat them like royalty, they'll walk all over you, you treat them like dirt, and they will fucking cut you. Equal is the only way to go. Because when they flip their shit, it's because they're crazy and not because of your treatment of them. And though I don't talk about my parent's much because my dad was a fucking mob boss and my mom died when I was young, I know that my dad treated her like a fucking queen. Which is saying something when you realize he was French, she was Japanese, and they were both Jewish." The crowd went nuts a bit, and Levi continued on.

"So I'm Erwin's kid's godfather. I don't know how to be a god damned godfather. And why is a Catholic man asking his Jewish ex gang member friend to be a godfather. He knows what will happen if that brat is left with me. She will know how to defend herself by age four and will be swearing at the other snot nosed brats in school in fluent Japanese, Hebrew, and French. She'll be able to disarm a pedophile and break three bones unarmed..." Levi paused before rubbing his temples. "That mother fucking conniving bastard."

After the show, Levi was heading to his car when he got a text message.

'So, I didn't know you were Jewish' -Eren

Levi rolled his eyes.

'You never asked.'-Levi

'True... do you practice it?'-Eren.

Levi chuckled to himself.

'If you wanted to know if my dick was snipped, the answer is yes. Are you? As for actually practicing, hell no. You practice anything?' -Levi

'No to both.'-Eren

Levi hummed, but couldn't get a reply out before he got another text.

'BTW, I'm half German. So if this thing goes right, that little girl will also be cursing in German.'-Eren

Levi shook his head.

'You lied.'-Eren

'About what'-Levi'

'Not wanting to be in a relationship'-Eren

'Maybe I wasn't.' -Levi

'Well maybe I need to give you a reason to stay.'-Eren

Levi smirked as he typed out his response.

'And how do you plan to do that?'-Levi

'Well, I've never seen a circumcised penis before. Wanna blow job?'-Eren.

Levi's eyes widened slightly.

'You're shitting me?'-Levi

'No, I've been practicing with the gag gift Jean gave me last month. Don't seem to have a gag reflex if you're interested.'-Eren

Levi's response was immediate.

'My car, back seat, five minutes.'-Levi

'Love you too.'-Eren

"Some mother fuckers are just stupid. As you all know, I just got back from a tour in Europe. It was shit. The weather was shit. It was either raining or hot as all balls. It was awful. The crowd was just like you shits, except in France, it was fucking hilarious. And I'll tell you why. When I walk around here, people either see my French or Japanese heritage, either calling me a frog or chink afterwards which is hilarious when they realize I'm half Japanese, in which they pause and then blame me for Pearl Harbor. I usually retort with 'I'm fucking Jewish so no, I'm actually not at fault, because my ass would have been in a concentration camp, for being Jewish or being Japanese in America, I don't fucking know yet.' And no, it's not too soon you fuckers. It's been almost a century, calm down, we have more important shit to worry about, liking our shitty economy and fat ass society where if your kid fails it's the teacher's fault because they can't teach instead of your kids fault for not doing their work and your fault for not raising them because you snorting crack at the kitchen table." Levi paused. "That was a little too close to home now that I think about it."

"Anyways, stupid mother fucker's in France. As previously stated, I walk around here and I'm either recognized as French, or Japanese. In France, all they saw was the Japanese. So they're talking shit in French. As I walk down the street 'It's true, all East Asian people are short.' And I'm obviously getting pissed off. It's not my fault I didn't get my father's European looks and instead look like I'm either annoyed with the world or will kill you in five seconds. Eventually I get sick of there shit and go off on them, in French." Levi looked out at the crowd. "They shut the fuck up, and nearly shit themselves. And I said 'Looks like what they say about the French is true, you're all a bunch of pussies.' And continued to the shitty theater." The crowd cheered wildly as Levi nodded a bit. "French didn't find that one funny. And where they all expected me to do my show in English, I threw those fuckers through a loop and did the entire show in French. And as a closing I told them to eat shit and die in Japanese, throwing them through two loops. As a third loop, I wished them all painful shits in Hebrew. My father called me the next day and told me he was proud of me, but reminded me that he wasn't a pussy like the rest of the French. I reminded him of the time my mother was looking at one of his guns and he was begging her to put it down before she accidentally hurt someone. I haven't heard from him for three weeks."

The show was coming to a close and Levi groaned as he stood on stage and looked out to the audience.

"Damn it. Guys, I got fucking married to the beautiffulest mother fucker on the planet." The crowd was so damn confused, because as far as they knew, Levi was single. Levi sighed, telling them the story without revealing his lover's name, gender, sexuality, or his own. And the entire crowd was awing, cooing, cheering. It was nice. Levi sighed as he scratched the back of his neck. "And I'm the happiest man in the world. You can't tell by my face, but just know I am. And I have a surprise for you fuckers. Eren." Levi called. "I know you're in here you shit, I saw you buying the ticket when you thought I wasn't looking. And I know where you're sitting. I will fucking drag you up here if you don't- There we go." Levi said when he saw a figure stand and head down to the front, covering their face as they walked. Once Eren was in front of the stage, Levi leaned down and pulled him up.

"This, you shits, is my husband, Eren. He's a proctologist, which means he knows how to handle an ass." Eren nearly screamed.

"I'm a god damned veterinarian Levi! I don't play with ass at all!" Levi smirked and Eren realized his mistake to late.

"You play with my ass." Eren covered his face as he was muttering under his breath. Levi gently pushed his hands away. "I love you." Eren smiled lightly

"I love you too." Levi then turned to the crowd.

"And that's it mother fuckers! Shit well!" And with that, Eren and Levi walked off stage, hand in hand, wedding bands glimmering in the spotlights.

Did I offend enough people? It was sort of a goal of mine, I was offended a few times while writing this. Like 'Ihh, I really don't agree with that' but went with it anyways. But I also had SO much fun writing this, like you have no idea. Trying to get a relationship sort of built was a little hard, because I wanted this to be more Comedian!Levi than Ereri, but I'm an Ereri slut so, it had to be there somewhere. So it just sort of happened like this. And I love it. And I hope all of you do too!