Hey guys! So sorry for not being able to update on TFS... but with all this crap being loaded onto us, it's really getting hard to even type something...
So, what I've typed down here is from my own personal journal. I thought it would be nice for you guys to know why I can't update or do squat...
Enjoy!
The Final Stand:
A day in the life of a Crazy Person
It was a dark cold afternoon when I received the worst kind of news a student like me would receive. Over the week I was chosen to be a student-teacher for my batchmates and the freshmen classes. Apparently, my physics teacher sees a lot of potential in me. Yes, I can teach, but that doesn't mean I was psychologically prepared for the stress that followed with being a teacher. Even if it was for only a week, the stress brought back a lot of dark feelings from my past, scaring me out of my wits and keeping me awake at night.
For five whole days, I could not sleep, eat, drink, or even think without a daydream or nightmare of whatever events that haunted me returning to my head and scaring me. During the week, I pretended to be alright. I didn't want to disappoint my teacher, much more my students, especially the freshmen who seemed to have quite a liking to me…
There was a time I nearly fainted from fatigue on the stairs. My teacher managed to catch me, and he noticed the stress in my eyes and the eye bags from getting little to absolutely no sleep at night.
"Are you alright?" I remember him ask. I gave him a simple nod in reply, lying to him with a truly well-practiced fake smile.
"Yes, sir… just a little tired from my last class, that's all…" I lied, smiling lightly hoping he would buy it.
Seeing that he bought it, he nodded and gave me the record book. I took it from his hands and I slowly made my way to the faculty room where I could begin grading papers.
It was Wednesday, and recently I found out that I had become an uncle. My cousin had just given birth to her little baby boy, and all of us were totally ecstatic when we heard the news. I tried to be happy for them, but my fatigue and lack of sleep only allowed me to smile and tell them "congrats, new mom and dad" on a message on Facebook. While I was checking my papers, I didn't realize that I was crying. I only noticed that I was when a tear drop suddenly dripped into the paper. Hurriedly, I wiped my tears before any of the other student-teachers noticed. Giel, a good friend of mine who's a student-teacher in English, noticed me crying and looked at me curiously.
"Um, excuse me Perry, but are you alright?" she asked as she raised her eyebrows in suspicion.
"Uh, yeah, just thrilled with the news that I'm an uncle now…" I smiled at her; again lying through my teeth with my well practiced smiling.
She smiled as she congratulated me, saying how lucky I am to be an uncle to my nephew. Taking it happily, I thanked her and continued to grade my papers, thoughts coming into mind as I tried to stay awake.
As I got home, I just received a text from my sister, telling me I didn't pass the entrance exam to the other university I applied for…
And I only applied for three…
'Great…' I thought, cursing myself, 'first, you flunked the university your parents wanted to go to… now you flunked the university that you wanted to go to? All that's left is that failsafe university… great job, Perry, great job…'
It was late afternoon when I looked myself in the mirror in the bathroom. I stared in horror at the features I had on my face.
My eyes were swollen red, probably due to all the crying I've been unconsciously doing. My eye-bags were quite hidden due to my Chinese-like eyes, but they sure looked a little baggy and violet when I took a closer look. I had a bruise on my cheek, not knowing where I got that from though. I walked back to my room and stared at the notes on my wall.
They all said, "Keep going!" or "Engineering all the way!"
What a load of bullshit I've told myself… what a load of bullshit I tried to keep… it's funny, now I'm laughing sympathetically at myself… heh… now I'm even more pathetic than ever.
I walked to the mirror in my room. Originally, I wanted to remove it because it was my sister's, but she said I could use it. I looked again at the horrendous figure that was me in the eye again as my eyes began to pour again.
Let's face facts… I'm ugly, pathetic, and an idiot… not only that, now; I might have no future and no reason to live…
But what else is new? Ever since as I could remember, I've been living with pain in my gut. All I could feel was, guilt, hatred and…
Regret…?
What is it that I regret the most? What wrong have I committed to gain all this? Is this really a sort of justice for the crimes I committed but can't remember?
"That's up to you… you've been seeing yourself as a pathetic life-form…"
That voice… the ever irritating voice of my conscience… why? Why do I have to live every single day fighting him? My inner me… why did he have to exist? Why do I have to argue?
"Remember, he's not alone…" the other replied.
Oh, yes, how can I forget? There's another one like him. He's just like my conscience, annoying to the highest power… why did they have to haunt me? What did I do to deserve these idiots?
"Hey, remember it was you who created us… or have you forgotten already?" One of them replied, laughing lightly.
How pathetic. Was I really that desperate to make room in my head for these guys? These mirror images of the remainder of my happiness and my wisdom? These two phonies who keep giving me comfort and advice when I'm alone.
I'm hated, unwanted, unloved, betrayed… I guess this is all that I deserve for my dumb choices of friends and schools.
I was crying my heart out on my bed on a stormy evening then. I was only eight years old when I first met them, the images waving at me from the mirror in my room. They came out of the mirror and came walking to me.
In fear, I trembled as they got near me. But they simply chuckled as they stretched their hands to me, smiling lightly. I hesitantly took their hands and they immediately pulled me into a hug. They rubbed my back lightly as I let more of my tears flow.
"Shh… it's alright… you're not alone anymore…" one of them cooed, gently whispering into my ear.
"We'll be here for you whenever you're sad or lonely… we promise…" the other smiled, tightening his hug.
From then on, they were my only friends, besides the books I read and the toys I played with, they were the only real friends I had.
The only things that kept me sane throughout my childhood.
"Oh yes, you really were… and we remember it well…" The first spoke sternly, his gaze staring blankly into my eyes.
"We're a part of you now… your actions, your thoughts, emotions and experiences… we know them well…" The other replied, stating his point clearly…
They knew about my wrong choices… my poor decision of friends… their betrayal, my fall, my depression, my newly acquired insanity… how? How could they know how painful it's like to be me? Why should they know? I didn't tell them…
Impossible…
"You told us to stay with you for as long as you need us, dear boy…" The first continued, "And look what's happened? You're still alive, somewhat sane and still emoting…"
"At least you're not in as bad as you were before, right?" The other smiled evilly at me, "We did our jobs well don't you think? And we'll be staying with you until you no longer need us…"
"Which is probably going to take a while…" At that, my two other me's began laughing like crazy.
But they were right. I might have to need them… I'm alone in my room. My life in itself is nothing but a failure. With very little ups and a whole ship-load of downs… that's the life I chose while growing up.
'Great job, Perry…' I spat out to myself, punching the wall next to the mirror hard. My eyes looking hatefully at my form as more tears fogged my already blurry vision. 'You've just destroyed your dreams, your hopes, your triumphs, everything… what's wrong with you?'
More than once I've asked myself that question… I've tried therapy, it only made me feel worse… then there's counseling. Sure, it made me feel a little better, but it was so limited that it didn't take long for me to begin remembering these horrid things.
Then there's her… the only person keeping me bound to this world.
I can't break the promise I made her. I want to stop breaking promises; I know it's something crazy, but I don't want to hurt her any further than she already is…
'I love her… I can't break my promise on her…' I keep reminding myself, trying to snap out of my fit. 'Distance doesn't matter between lovers… I know she's the one for me… and I will strive to get to her… even if it kills me…'
'Good luck with that then, Perry…' my inner me congratulated. He no longer looked like me, but instead looked like a small chipmunk. He had crispy brown fur and hazel brown eyes and a smile that brought lightness back into me.
"Thanks Max…" I replied, smiling happily.
'Remember Perry…' The other continued, 'She's the only reason left for you to live out your life… try to live a happy one… for her sake… okay?'
My other inner self then appeared in front of me. Like Max, he no longer looked like me. He appeared in the form I imagined him when I read a light novel a few months before. He took the form of a large almond brown wolf, standing at my height on his four large legs. I petted his head, earning a lick on the cheek from him as I snuggled on his fur.
Max joined us by giving us gentle noogies on our heads. We laughed as I took their point to heart.
I'm not alone… not anymore…
I have friends now… and they're the good ones that'll stick to you until the end…
I'm better now… screw therapy… I'm fine…
I'm in love with someone… someone I have a promise to keep… to stay alive and happy until we could finally meet face to face…
I'm an uncle to my nephew, a role-model to my students, a friend to my friends, a child to my family… all that and so much more…
No more will I think of myself as a "Walking Disaster", I'm just in the need of more light. I'm still trapped in the dark. But the fires of those who showed me the truths of who and what I am become lights that guide me through the deep pitch blackness of my heart.
Things have been hectic, well, they were always hectic… but now, I'm fine with it…
At least I'm not alone in this gig we call life…
And that, my friends, is a day in the life of a crazy person…
Why crazy? Just re-read this story! There's all the craziness explained to you in proper detail…
Hope you guys don't end up like me… trust me, ain't pretty…
And with all honesty, I really wouldn't have made it to age sixteen if it hadn't been for you guys telling me that it's alright... :)
You all are my sources of confidence, of fun and laughter... really can't thank you guys (readers and reviewers alike...) for all the comments you've given me... :)
This story is particularly dedicated to Cerulean Pen. Though she may not write for this archive anymore, her words and her kindness have always lit the candle in my heart into a raging inferno.
Wen, words cannot really explain how thankful I am for meeting you... even if it's not in person, I can't think of spending another day without the words of kindness you've instilled within me...
I hope I could repay you someday... repay you with the kindness you've shown me... :)
Sorry, must've let my mind and fingers slip... ehehe...
Hope you guys enjoyed it! :P
"Living it my way..."
~Perry