A/N - Hmm, I wrote this quite a while ago and never put it up on FF, so I'm polishing it up a bit, but I would still say it's not the best thing I've ever written, so bear with me. :)
Disclaimer - I don't own VA, sadly. :(. All props go to Richelle Mead for the wonderful series she's given us. All props go to me for defamating the wonderful series she's given us. :D
Based after SB, so there are spoilers. Natalie, Mason, and Tatiana are still dead. Rose and Adrian broke up, but are still friends. Rose and Dimitri are rekindling their relationship. Lissa is the new Queen, her half sibling is Jill, and she is still with Christian. Tasha was convicted for the murder of Tatiana Ivashkov. Enjoy.
He promised me a picnic. A real, romantic, out in public on a sunshine day picnic. This was more than I could have ever hoped for, I thought we were done, more than done. I thought he would never speak to me again. Or worse, I thought he would choose to become a Strigoi, so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. But today is the day, after two weeks of waiting, I am getting my picnic with Dimitri, my former instructor, a former Strigoi, the man who said he doesn't love me anymore. But it doesn't matter now, everything is going to be okay.
"Dimitri, is the blindfold really necessary? Picnics are fun, I guess, but I don't think you decorated the grass, so you might as well let me see where I'm going to be eating." My patience was growing weary, but just then Dimitri sat me down in a chair. I should have figured - stoic, perfectionist Dimitri Belikov would never eat food on the ground. Even for a picnic. He's such a prude.
Removing my blindfold, he hands me a furry plastic wand, and puts a matching plastic tiara on my head. This was a trick, there's not even food. We're on a stage, and not alone. To my right I see: Lissa, Adrian, my mother, Eddie, Mia, Christian, Sydney, and Abe sitting in a half circle, Dimitri taking the empty seat next to Abe. There's a podium outside the circle halfway between Dimitri and I. Suddenly I know this is going to be bad.
"Is this an intervention?" I'm yelling, and my face is probably turning red. Normally, I'd love seeing all these people together in one place, but now? And for this reason? And the didn't even have the decency to warn me? I stand up, livid, and about to leave. They have no right to address my drug problem like th - wait... I don't... have a drug problem. What is this about?
"No, Rose, it's nothing like that. Look, this is just, well, a Roast." Lissa tells me, her words show sincerity through the bond, but I have no idea what she's telling me.
"A Roast?" I ask incredulously. What is this girl on about?
"Yes, a Roast, it's where your friends get together and... Make fun of you. We used to watch them on tv when we left the school." Oh, I remember those. A smirk arises on my face, I'm officially amused.
"Oh," I say, "Go ahead then. Without further ado, everybody, I present you Queen Vasilisa Dragomir." A blush creeps onto Lissa's face, I know she hates being formally addressed, and this time with an audience around, she wasn't thrilled.
"I'd like to welcome everybody to the Official Roast of Rosemarie Hathaway. And by 'everybody,' I mean me. Who are these people up here?" A polite laughter ensues, but everyone in the room is silently hoping all Lissa's jokes aren't this terrible. Or at least, I know that's what I'm hoping.
"Please keep your commentaries to yourself, that is, until it's your own turn. I'm your host - Lissa Dragomir.
"You know, Rose, no one else wanted to be the host. They were all scared that you would confuse the word 'host' with a person that you sleep with. Not even Dimitri is that brave. Adrian didn't mind... Until he heard that Jesse Zeklos tested positive for 37 STDs after laying on a couch with you - clothed. He became a born again virgin, but he'll never be the same.
"In fact, the only thing more pathetic than Jesse now was the time Adrian sent you a box full of perfume because he thought you were homeless and smelled bad." I scoff. Even if I were homeless, Adrian would still think I was sexy. I sense Lissa thinking the same thing through the bond.
"But who am I kidding?" she asks, "Rose Hathaway would never be homeless. She'd break into Tarasov prison if she ever needed somewhere to sleep." Several gasps escape throughout the room. I know my mother is scared out of her wits that I was the one to break Victor out of Tarasov. I laugh, despite knowing that Janine will have an earful for me later.
"Seriously Rose, I love you, you're my best friend, and the funniest person I know."
"Keep going!" I shout. Everyone laughs, but Lissa finishes up with her speech.
"Up next is Mr. Adrian Ivashkov!" We all clapped and cheered. Hey, the girl can actually be funny.
A/N - So what do you think? The rest of the gang should be much funnier and longer as well. If you have any jokes of your own put them in your review or a message, the only thing is that all jokes used will be original, so don't recycle any jokes please.