Monkeys and Motrin
Disclaimer: Don't own House or The Office. I'm just borrowing a few people for awhile. Was originally posted in The Office section, but after further thought, I decided it was better situated over here. :-)
Chapter One
"In all actuality," House thumped his cane on the ground for emphasis, "clinic duty is Dante's previously hidden tenth level of hell."
Cuddy paused, looking over her shoulder at him as the doors exiting the clinic swished open. "Great – then you won't be complaining about how cold it is. Try not to sweat all over the patients." She gave him a look somewhere between a smile and a grimace before stepping through the doorway and turning in the direction of her office. The hem of her black knit dress flounced mockingly at House as he ran his free hand over his face. A silent expletive was cut short by someone in the waiting area.
"Oh, she's good," commented a male voice.
"Mmhmm," agreed a soft-spoken feminine one. "I wonder if she gives lessons 'cause then I would totally be able to kick your sorry butt."
"Funny, you didn't seem to think there was anything sorry about it --" The man's voice dropped to an indistinguishable murmur before House heard the woman softly exclaim "Jim!" before smacking him on (oh please) his arm. They laughed together quietly.
It was going to be a long afternoon.
"Okay!" House turned around sharply, the rubber tip of his cane squeaking in protest at the sudden movement. These people had to be moved out of here before they infected the whole clinic with their nauseating cheer. Though if he did indeed hurl from the clichéd sweetness of it all, it could get him out of clinic duty . . .
House shook his head, popping a couple of Vicodin as he located the saccharine young couple. Pretty easy, given the camera crew surrounding them. They certainly didn't look famous, what with her plain Jane looks and his rumpled shirt and tie. No rings, so not newlyweds. Hmm, holding hands, fingers interlocked. Newly dating. Judging by the snippet of their conversation, probably newly . . . yeah, and the camera was now focused on him. Crap.
Mustering something close to an affable smile (and probably closer to a grimace), House held out his free hand in the direction of the front desk, motioning for a file. One was promptly smacked into his hand and House felt the sting of the resulting paper cut on his palm. He really did need hazard pay.
"Exam room two, please --" he flipped open the folder, scanning the information on the questionnaire. "Mr. Halpert." Tucking the folder under his right arm House headed to the exam room.
"There's someone in there." House half-turned in the direction of the front desk, his gaze locking with Nurse Brenda.
"Are they dying? Dead? Bleeding out? About to lose a limb? Contagious?"
"You're the doctor, you figure it out."
"You're the nurse always whining about not getting any respect; surely you don't want me to trample all over your specialized skill set by inferring you're incapable of taking a not-so-subtle hint to move the patient." Nurse Brenda pressed her lips into a thin, hard line, silently letting House know what she thought before motioning for a young woman clad in light blue scrubs to look after the room exchange.
"Gee, thanks," House said with all fake sincerity he could muster. Turning back in the direction of the couple, he took note of the man's pasty complexion and the woman's concerned but teasing expression as they stood to follow him.
Ten minutes later and House was finally allowed to begin examining his patient. He almost told Mr. Halpert he could thank the camera crew for his imminent death as it was now too late to help him, but everything was being recorded and he wasn't eager to return to the courthouse or a jail cell anytime soon. He settled on a snarky comment about the back of his head being his best side before turning his attention to the patient. Who was now puking on the sound guy's shoes. Nice.
"Sorry," mumbled Puking Guy, swiping the back of his hand across his mouth.
"You should have known better." The girlfriend cast a quick glance in House's direction as if for affirmation. He became engrossed in the file he was still holding.
"Pam --"
"Just because Dwight made that stupid comment didn't mean you had to --"
"But --"
"That was really stupid, Jim. Now you owe Charlie a new pair of shoes." House watched her look apologetically at the sound guy before he saw the Puking Guy wincing slightly.
House pushed his stool back slightly. "You're not going to hurl again, are you? Because I'm pretty sure you can't afford to replace my shoes." He glanced over at the sound guy, who was stoically looking straight ahead while, judging by his reddening face, not breathing. "Breathe through your mouth, you moron," House griped. The sound man exhaled as the cameraman choked back a guffaw.
"Look, doc – I'm fine." As if to prove his point Joe (Jim?) pushed himself off the exam table and into a standing position. "I just ate some bad jerky and I'll be fine in a bit." He placed a hand on his girlfriend's shoulder, meeting her gaze. "Really."
"Great, then my work here is done!" The plain redhead looked at House, her mouth slightly agape. "Make sure he gets plenty of fluids – Gatorade would be good – and shove some soda crackers into him." She nodded her head at this, satisfied. Maybe she could give lessons to Cuddy on learning how to lay off.
House tossed the patient's folder in the direction of the counter before looking directly at the camera. "Monkeys and Motrin – it's all you really need." And with that House exited the exam room.
"Weird," he heard the couple say in unison, the door closing on their simultaneous exclamation of "Jinx!" before they began laughing.
House leaned against the front desk with a sigh. "Got any more escapees from the nut house?" A smirking Nurse Brenda slapped another file into his outstretched hand.