A/N:
This story is the product of me and my best friend Liesl's tragic imagination. This story is something that I hope helps many people out there. For all of you out there who need someone or need to know that you are not alone I am here and I may not know how you feel but I know everyone has their struggles. But let me tell you this friend, it gets better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and no it's not hellfire. I care about you and if you ever feel like you are alone pm me.
Love,
weaslytwinmaterial
A War Fought With Love
Self harm. It's an addiction that is hard to beat and here I was smack in the middle of it. After Sherlock... I just couldn't do it anymore. I've seen war, deaths, and almost anything else you name it. But having your best friend jump off a building and kill himself... That's different. It does some horrible things to you. You lose the will to live.
It's been a year, two months and eighteen days without him and I don't think I can take it anymore. I want... no I need him to come back. He was the one I cared for the most. He needs to come back, even if it's not possible.
"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! PLEASE SHERLOCK! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME! I'm sorry. Please. I tried. I really did. But I can do it anymore. Please come back or take me with you into death." I exclaimed. My yell had turned into a desperate whisper.
I had been going to therapy quite often, but it still seemed that it wasn't working. I still felt lost and hopeless. It kept getting worse and worse every single day, so I came back to my self harm. It seemed counterproductive, an oxymoron really, hurting yourself when you were already in pain, but it helped me in a weird way.
Although, I started yelling into empty space and Mrs. Hudson was getting more and more worried. I tried to reassure her, but she sees the scars that mar my arms and the lies I struggle to come up with are pushed like garbage. Because they are. I have no valid reason why I'm doing this. It just helps.
And the nightmares… oh, the nightmares… they're death. I can't sleep because of them. The images that haunt me in the middle of the night keeps me from living my life. The pathetic life I have.
All I see when I close my eyes is the broken body of my best friend. The man I cared about. The one I failed to save. How can I sleep when this nightmare plagues me?
I try to stay awake as long as I can, days on end, but it never works. Sleep overwhelms me and I fall into a restless sleep. And the ferocious cycle continues.
I found that sleeping in Sherlocks old room helps keep the nightmares at bay. Not completely, but I feel slightly safer in his room. Almost like having him back.
It was an accident that led me to sleeping in Sherlocks room. I was thinking about finally relocating his things, to a dumpster, but I was feeling weak from my lack of sleep. I fell ungracefully onto his bed.
It was warm and comfortable and I found myself curling up in a ball and sleeping. I awoke to find that I had no nightmares. It was the first time I had hope.
~Two Weeks Later~
I met someone. Her name is Mary. We work together at a clinic. She's funny, pretty, smart. I think I'll ask her for coffee.
~One Month Later~
Mary is amazing. She's a total sweetheart. She saw my scars and she didn't flinch like others would. She knows my past life with Sherlock and she understands how his death affected me.
She wants to help me get better. She said she doesn't want me to be in that much pain. And I believe her.
~Three Months Later~
I had another nightmare. And Sherlock said he never cared at all. That death was a better out than continuing the dreadful life he lived. He said I would like death too. That it's easier. Like falling to sleep. But with my experience with sleeping, dying would be like going through hell.
~One Month Later~
I'm moving in with Mary. We've only been together five months, but she makes me happy. And I love her. Maybe this will be good for me. I can finally start a new life. And who better to start it with than someone like Mary?
~Four Months Later~
I've decided to propose to Mary. She's completely amazing and loving. She makes me happier than I've ever been these last two years.
I've still had my bad days, but Mary is there to calm me down. She helps me feel safe and wanted. She brings hope. She is hope.