AN: Welcome! My name is Willy...and my compadre's name is Wonka. Just kidding. My name is Jess, and my compadre's name is...let's just call her Spectaculas
So back up, put the gun down, and give me a pack of tropical fruit bubblicious to masticate. AND SOME SKITTLES!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a few pairs of socks, overalls, and an evil cat. But that's another story...
This may be a one shot...or a two shot...or a three shot...but I doubt it would go past that. Brace yourselves. This might be dangerous.
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(Forget the epilogue, it's about...5 minutes after Harry says he's had enough trouble for a lifetime. But is that TRUE?)
Harry is wandering aimlessly around the grounds, when Hagrid drops dead a few feet from him. Harry rushes to his side.
Harry: NO! Hagrid, wake up!
Hagrid: opens his eyes and rises to his feet. I...made cupcakes. Hagrid motions for Harry to follow him. Hagrid leads him back to his hut. Follow me around the back now, I wanted them to cool...
Harry: follows Hagrid behind the hut. There are no cupcakes anywhere to be seen.
Hagrid: shoves Harry into a sinkhole that was concealed behind a scarecrow wearing a party hat. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, HARRY!
Harry: finds himself in an underground cave, painted white with various kinds of peeps decorating the walls. WHAT THE HELL HAGRID? He spots a shiny, sparkly, pink door a few feet to his left. Harry hesitantly turns the knob and opens the door.
Everyone we thought was dead (but only the cool people): SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Sees standing around him Dumbledore, Snape, Sirius, James, Lily, Tonks, Lupin, Fred, and Skankarella...I mean...Bellatrix...in a cage with some Trix Yogurt. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!
James: We're your parents!
Harry: My parents are DEAD. What kind of sick people are you?!
James: That hurt where it counts...
Harry: But...I...I don't get it...you're all dead. Am I dead?
Tonks: Well, Harry, none of us are really dead...The Killing Curse puts you into a coma, and then you get sent down here. When you wake up, you're in a party room, like this one, surrounded by other dead people you knew.
Bellatrix: But WISH you didn't! I could've ended up with all of the other Death Eaters, but NO! I get stuck with YOU people!
Fred: points Watch out for Skankarella, she bites.
Lily: But you weren't sent down here because you possess a very special recessive gene...
Harry: What kind of gene? Frowns.
Sirius: A SPECIAL gene that makes you immune to COMAS!
Fred: And also to AIDS and Herpes, but that's not the point...
Harry: How...how long have you guys been down here?
Lily&James: YOUR WHOLE LIFE! Grin stupidly.
Sirius: A couple years...
Dumbledore: Six months or so...
Lupin&Tonks: Roughly, I'd say an hour.
Snape: You saw me die, you should know...
Harry: Shoots accusing look at his parents and Sirius. And there's no way you could've contacted me?
Bellatrix: I just love family reunions...
Remus: SHUT UP Gerome!
Bellatrix: My name is not Gerome!
Fred: I've found she quite prefers Skankarella...
Harry: ANSWER ME!
Sirius: Patience, young grasshopper.
James: Well...you see...it would have subtracted from the erm...element of surprise. Smiles meekly.
Lily: says feebly surprise!...
Harry: WHAT KIND OF SICK PEOPLE ARE YOU?! That's not funny! It's just...WRONG!
Sirius: Define wrong...
Harry: punches SIrius in the face.
James: I"LL KILL YOU!
Harry: What, so I can end up back here and yell SURPRISE at poor tortured souls?! Cause that's real classy! Surprise! SURPRISE! SUR-FREAKIN-PRISE! YOU MAKE ME SICK! Goes around and takes turns spitting in everyone's faces. Gets to fred. I ran out, but I'll save you for later!
Lily: Well, I personally THOUGHT you would be a little more glad to see us...
Harry: Right. Because you couldn't have just REVEALED that you're still alive! Wait...what about Voldemort?
Remus: Oh, he's really dead. Turns out he had cancer...who would have thought...
Lily: AND just so you know, we couldn't just REVEAL ourselves to you! You had to come down here and find us yourself!
Harry: And what exactly was keeping you from just coming out?
James: Well...the earth would explode...
Harry: Oh...
SIrius: rubs bruise forming on cheek So are you still pissed off, or can we get out of this hellhole?
Harry: sighs I guess we can leave...but...you promise me none of you could have gotten out of here?
Tonks: Well, Fred could have...
Fred: I TRIED to leave, but Skankarella pulled me into her cage!
Harry: shoots Fred a bitter look
Fred: mumbles under breath Well she's very persuasive...
Bellatrix: Smiles proudly.
Harry: You do realize I'm still pissed off that you didn't, send a letter? "Dear Harry, we're not dead, just in an underground room. Entrance is behind Hagrid's. Please come get us out". That WOULD have worked.
Sirius: Well...
Harry: I was ALL ALONE! sobs.
Bellatrix: GROW UP!
Tonks: punches Bellatrix in the mouth. SHUT UP, GEROME!
Bellatrix: My name is SKANKARELLA!
Sirius: Okay Skankarella.
Bellatrix: Dammit...
Lily: Harry...we...can we just all go get ice cream?
Harry: in between sobs I want sob mint chocolate chip!
Lily: Well alright then...
Sirius: I have one request: We leave Skankarella here.
Bellatrix: You so wouldn't...
Sirius: I ABSOLUTELY would.
Bellatrix: I'm your cousin!
Tonks: scoffs I'm YOUR niece...
Sirius: You KILLED me, need I remind you?
Bellatrix: YOU DIDN"T EVEN DIE!
Sirius: Yeah, but you thought I did! I saw you up there doing your happy dance! There are CAMERAS! points to monitor which shows various people.
Bellatrix: But...
Sirius: WHO'S DANCING NOW BITCH? WHO'S DANCING NOW!!!!!
Bellatrix: starts dancing in her cage. THAT WOULD STILL BE ME!
Fred: Can we just leave?
James: Gladly...
And there you have it!
No one we thought was dead really was, they were all just waiting in the underground room for Harry, so they jump out and yell surprise. A sick joke? Possibly. A partially hilarious sick joke? You could say that too.