Ameliorate
A/N: PTSD is a bitch, and this is actually how I experienced it after a really bad car accident I was a passenger in. That was more than a decade ago, and this has been a good experience going back and thinking about how that is now all in my past. I hope that you enjoy the story, and if you are going through hard times that you'll see there's a bit of light up ahead.
Post-Deathly Hallows Harry/Ginny fluff story. One-shot. Rated T. Everything belongs to JKR.
It had been only weeks since the final battle and Ginny had taken him back, and Harry quickly found himself feeling trapped by the events of the last year.
It had started with holding Ginny's hand, and the chaos of emotions it had brought on. He'd nearly collapsed, overwhelmed by the near panic attack that had hit fast and hard. Harry was grateful it had just been the two of them on the couch in the room. After that, they took things slowly. Everything was in small steps for fear that it would overwhelm him or her, she'd have awful nightmares anytime they spent more than a few moments in physical contact. Harry had been immensely grateful she could understand, although he hated that she could, that she too was plagued and haunted. He remembered how they had been before, he remembered the feeling of fire between them, and he knew she missed that. He did too. He wanted desperately to feel her burn like she used to, the high that was better than fire whiskey. But he was scared of what it might do to him, to her, if they moved to fast. He'd lost so much, caused so much pain, he couldn't bear to lose her too or worse yet, hurt her more.
He's lost in his thoughts, lying in the grass behind the burrow after dinner, wrestling with the slew of feelings and chaos within him. He's about ready to yell in frustration when he hears the back door open and soft footsteps approach. His heartbeat quickens from months of fearing every sound, but he's past jumping up to attack every noise that startles him. Breathing deeply, he looks up to see Ginny approaching, and props himself up, smiling at her, she's like a glass of cold water in the Sahara.
"Hey stranger, deep thoughts tonight?" Her tone is light, but her eyes betray the reality of how true the statement is for everyone as they heal mentally from the events of the last few years.
Harry pushes himself up to sitting as Ginny plops down on the grass beside him. "Yeah, just, wanting to be normal again, you know." He sighs and hangs his head. She's silent for a moment before he feels tentative fingers tips on his shoulder. He doesn't flinch this time and breathes a sigh of relief before looking over and nodding her on. That's how everything has been, not just for him, but her too. They move slowly and wait for the 'ok' to keep going. It became necessary when Gin nearly hexed him after he grabbed her arm to ask a question, his lightning reflexes throwing up a shield just in time. Tentatively, he reaches out and gently lays his hand on her thigh. She tenses but then relaxes.
"I'm ok," she smiles.
Harry breathes a sigh of relief, simply enjoying the contact that they've managed to get to. Then he sighs, "This is so hard."
Ginny hums in agreement, "Worth it, though."
He snorts, "And your nightmares?"
"No worse than they've been for years," She shrugs.
They're silent for a long time, watching the sun sink lower on the horizon. "I miss us." Harry breaks in, shattering the false sense of peace.
Ginny's quiet, her eyes fixed on the sinking sun.
Harry can't gather the courage to look at her, so he stares too, as his frustration comes spilling out. "I miss how we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I miss how we could reach out no matter what and immediately know it was ok to keep going. I hate that I can't just tell it's your hand anymore. I hate that I'm so fucking broken that I can't even be a proper boyfriend." His voice breaks in the last statement, and he can feel the tears pricking his eyes.
"I'm broken too," Ginny whispers, her eyes downcast now. "I hate myself for nearly hexing you last week. I miss being able to tell it's you touching me. I miss snogging you. I miss feeling safe, feeling like I could trust that I was safe. I hate that I'm broken too when you need me to be whole so you can heal. I hate that you have to try and help hold me up when you're already so beaten down." She cuts off abruptly and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.
Harry reaches for her, cursing everything he can think of when they both tense, but they push past it as Ginny curls into him and he wraps himself around her. It gets easier, bit by bit, and they relax into the calm of each other's embrace.
"I'm so sorry," Harry says for what has to be the billionth time, but it's all he has at this point, and Ginny nods.
"Me too."
They sit there until the stars are bright in the sky, the sun long since set, the darkness seeming to cocoon them, protecting them from the world, from themselves. And that's when Ginny turns to look up at him.
"Could we try and be us, old us, just for a moment?" There's desperation in her voice, betraying the calm expression on her face.
Harry looks down at her and part of his brain is screaming not to, but if she can overcome that voice in her own head, maybe he can too. Slowly, so slowly it's nearly painful, he brings his face to hers. His nose brushes hers, and his lips gently brush her cheek. He expects them to both tense, to flinch away from the contact, their now normal response to any new contact, but she doesn't, and neither does he. Instead, Harry hears her breath catch, and something sparks inside of him. It's as though a part of him he thought lost is back again, and it starts to take control. Gently, Harry brings his lips down to her jawline, kissing his way closer to her now parted lips.
With each kiss, it gets easier and that piece of him takes a stronger hold. But nothing could prepare him for when he finally brought his lips to hers. Ginny's wanton moan opens a floodgate of memories, moments he didn't feel he deserved and had locked so far away that he'd forgotten how they felt. Ginny's hands spear into his hair and pull him over her as she lays back into the grass. Her tongue seeks out his and then it's his turn to moan as her nails run along his scalp. It's only snogging but it's them back to how they had been before life completely went to shite before they became so broken, so shattered.
Neither could tell anyone how long they lay on the grass clinging to each other as if it were their lifeline, refusing to let the moment end. They were on fire again and both were scared that if they stopped, the fire would burn out and leave them cold. But at some point, Arthur called out that they should be coming in soon, and the couple slowly broke apart. Breathing heavy, they lay on the grass, foreheads resting against each other, neither wanting it to end.
"Wow..." Harry took a deep breath, staring into Ginny's eyes.
"Yeah..." Ginny's smile is small, but Harry sees the fire burning in her eyes again. It isn't quite as bright as it once was, but it's back and that's something.
He leans in again, kissing her without hesitation and reveling in how quickly she returns the kiss, pressing herself against him. Contact that less than an hour ago would have had them both flinching back now feels necessary to keep going, calm within the chaos that runs wild through them.
"We should go in," he murmurs against her lips.
Ginny moans in response as she deepens the kiss.
Harry chuckles against her before pulling back, "I promise, we won't lose this."
Her hands cling to his arms in a death grip, "How do you know? We could walk away from here and everything could go back to how horrible it's been the last few weeks."
Harry shakes his head, "We won't let it. We'll keep pushing, we'll keep working, and we won't lose this. We need this, you need this, hell Gin, I fucking need this, and I refuse to lose it again." He brings his lips down to hers in blazing passion, one hand tangling in her hair as the other grips her side.
Ginny quickly returns his fervor, one hand running through his hair as the other digs into his shoulder, pulling him closer, till his full weight is on top of her. They're a tangled mess and until oxygen becomes a necessary evil they refuse to stop. Panting and clinging to each other, Harry tucks a stray lock of tousled red hair behind her ear.
"I promise, we won't lose this."
Ginny nods, her chest rising high as she catches her breath. "I'll hex you into next week if we do."
And then she laughs, and Harry laughs, and it starts to deteriorate into a fit of senseless laughter and kisses as they attempt to pick themselves up off the grass. And the looks they get from their family don't matter as they attempt to climb the stairs to their rooms, laughing so hard they can't speak, because for the first time in months they feel happy and there's finally hope and a light in their future. And fuck it all they're going to make it, together, the way they always wanted it to be. And when Harry kisses her goodnight at her door he sees the fire burning brightly in her eyes again, and he knows they're going to be ok, they're going to make it out, they're going to be whole again.